Resolutions are popular during the last day of the year.

2012 Resolutions

1. Tear down my walls and start letting people in.
2. Stop doubting and start believing.
3. Stop fighting the positive feelings and accept that these are all real and mine to keep.
4. Give guys a chance and stop hating them. Not all guys are donkeys.
5. Lose a minimum of 5kg. HAHAHAHA let's see if that happens.
6. Study. Really. Hard.
7. Stop what I have been doing for the past 4 years.
8. Drive safer. My sincere apologies to Francine, Timothy, Nicholas, Foo and Andrew for putting your lives into danger.
9. Remove those who tear me down and those who left me from my life. I'm better off without you.
10. Be a better daughter. Parents don't live forever.
11. Be a better friend. I have been told that I am a really good friend but I will do better.
12. Laugh and smile more.
13. Look for and hold on to every reason to keep going and to live.
14. Be a better person.
15. Learn to control my anger. I am told that I am an angry person and I do not think it has much to do with my temper though.
15. Learn to tolerate.
16. Remember that people actually stay in your life. They are here and yours. I love you guys.
17. If the world doesn't end, I will watch the movie "2012".

Hold on. What's the rush? Breathe, it'll be alright.

Gravity.

be happy and Live

You get hurt and you learn to not care even though you know that is a promise that you can never keep.

I'm sorry.

 Please don't go

  don't leave

stay.

This never ends. No, I don't expect you to understand this.

I hate that feeling when you randomly feel depressed. There is no warning, no apparent reason. It just happens. You feel empty, and you feel hopeless. And you just feel tired. As if you never want to move again. Then when someone asks you what's wrong, you can't say because there is nothing that comes to mind. You know that feeling? Yeah, it sucks.

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always with you?

These words are my heart and soul.

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

\

I can't hold on to what was never rightfully mine.
I can't keep what was never mine to keep.
I can't make those who are running away, stop and stay.
But I won't let go, even odds are so.

I will always find a way, a reason to make you stay.

I haven't been blogging for so long. Guess I had a lot to deal with and I couldn't get on the laptop. Typing on the phone is harder because you can't really see what you are typing, that's why sometimes I only type a line in the title box.

So, I have been an idiot for the past 3 months. I was trying to hold on to people that was or I think was, slipping away. I managed to convince myself that both of them will stay, at least for a little while. I fought to keep myself together and try to make everything work, either if it's in another country or here. I lost enough, at least that's what I think. In the end, life is still the teacher, it will stop when it is indeed enough.

I lost him a month later.

I learn to live without him. I told myself, if he was able to live without me, if I was able to live without him for the last one and half years, I would be able to do the same now. I'm okay but after loving someone for so long, letting go is hard. I still miss him. In fact, I miss everything about him. He was the only guy that I fell so hard for. Now it's all gone.

Among all of these, I hurt the people those who are important in my life. Everything that they feel came out after two and a half months. It was in them for so long that I do not even understand how did they do it.

Life is right, I do not deserve them. I don't deserve to have them care, to have them as someone I call mine. Losing him should be a sign. It's like telling me that I can't have anyone staying long in my life, wanting them to stay is like fighting against fate, against change. Why is it that every time when I feel content with where I am, everything has to mess up and change in another direction, leaving me helpless and trying to just catch up and not be left behind? Is it a must, a law made for me that I must lose someone, something every year? Is it too much to say that I want to stay happy a little longer? Is it too much to ask for things to be the way they are, at least for a year? This is all I have, I have nothing else. If I don't fight to keep all of these, I'll lose them.

\

Please don't take away what is mine, this is all I have left.

You give up hoping and praying when you know everything is over.

Learn to fly, breathe and leap.

You learn to breathe.
You learn to smile.
You learn to laugh.
You learn to act.
You learn to be strong.

\

Everything, you will learn when you're trying so hard not to break down, not to cry, not to fall.

You learn to be happy for them.
You learn to live without them.
You learn to stop thinking about them.
You learn to be brave and be okay.
You learn to smile and be free.

\

they are not your everything. You wake up one day in the morning, realizing that you can live without them. They moved on and now you know you can too.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Thank you for telling me where I stand. It hurts but at least now I know.

I'm here as long as you need me, as long as you still want me here.

I pray everyday, waiting for this feeling to go away.

No matter how long, how much I pray,
I still wake up feeling as dead, empty.
I am alive but I know I'm already dead inside.
I wish this can end, so that it can stop this pain.

Lord, you seem so far away
A million miles or more, it feels today.

It's like I can't see you anymore, God, are you there? Can you hear me? Why is it that I am always left to feel like I have nothing else left? Why? God, can you hear me? Answer me.

And though I haven't lost my faith,
I must confess right now, that it's hard for me to pray.

Lord, I don't know what to say,
And i don't know where to start.
But as you give me grace, you'll always be in my heart.

Lord, I still believe in you. I believe the miracles and I believe that you died for me. Is that enough for me to ask for joy? Is it too much for me to just want to smile without faking it? Why do I feel like I'm going through this alone? I used to talk to you. Now, no words can describe everything that I want to say. I would open my mouth to talk to you but nothing came out. I could only sing, knowing you can hear me while letting my tears fall in the shower.

Lord, are you there? How can you hear my cries and not rescue me? How can you see my tears and leave me here to suffer?

I will sing, I will praise.
Even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain.

I know I have nothing left to offer to you. I would give you all of my heart but it's not really whole or perfect. I would I would give you my everything but I really don't have anything. I know you love me and you want me to learn from life but what I'm living now is not a life. It's a darkness that has no light. Somewhere, where I can be nothing, invisible, is all i ask for. Is it too much?

\

Lord, if you love me, you would let me die or at least take away my heart.

Like vinegar on a wound is one who sing songs to a heavy heart.

Sometimes you wait for this feeling to go away.
Sometimes it does,
Sometimes it doesn't.
You hope that this is just a dream,
A horrible one so to speak
But you know deep inside,
What is real and what is not.

Sometimes praying helps but
Sometimes it doesn't.
You end up being stuck in this black abyss that never ends,
Wishing so hard, hoping your life will end.
But you never get what you want, not really.

You lie on the floor,
Yes, it's cold and it somehow feels like your soul.
It's kinda hard to stop what you feel
Because it's not by choice
So it will never be gone, ever.
Lying there has never felt so empty.
It's like sinking in a whirlpool, but
You're just not dying.

This darkness can only pull me down so much
Some other times, I would just let myself fall
Into everything, into nothing.
Closing your eyes doesn't stop the spinning,
It makes fall you faster, deeper into nothingness.

\

Wake up in the morning with your heart racing, everything begins again.

At least you didn't kill me this time.

I love you. Please tell me that you love me back.

I never thought I will feel the pain that Santana from Glee felt. The pain of loving someone so much and watching them love someone else. I saw the scene where she told her best friend Brittany that she loved her. I'm in a different situation but I guess the pain is no different.

It's like you see them, you're happy but you question your worth to them. They make your day but the thought of never being able to call them yours just killed you inside.

But then, you love them so much that you tell yourself that it's okay as long as they are happy. As long that someone treats them right. You get jealous because you will never be the reason that they wake up to every morning. You die inside everytime they look at that someone with that look, the same look that you have, everytime you see them.

The feeling of knowing that you would be there for them no matter what is excruciating. They would run back to that someone whole because of you. They will say they love you after everything and you would wish how it was enough, for them to be yours. You feel drained everyday because you used up every ounce of strength to smile, to breathe and be okay. You love them so much that you would rather hurt and die than to let them know what is wrong. You love them so much that it hurts to even breathe. You know you can be their everything like how they are to you. You would never hurt them and you would make them happy.

Life is never fair. I guess all these makes you bitter sometimes.

\

I love you. Please tell me that you love me back.

A day without you is like a day without air.

Something to hold on to each day.

You, make me smile,
Even when every part of me is falling apart.
You, keep me going,
Even when every part of me is screaming fragile.
Being with you guys,
I forgot about myself,
At least my attention is diverted somewhere else.
I'd give anything for this,
To have myself distracted from this pain
Which never seems to cease or even end.

I know I might be bad at expressing anything.
But thank you for your concerns though.
It meant a lot than you think it did.
Thank you for showing that you guys care.
I really don't know what to say.

How am I suppose to tell you guys what's wrong when
I'm not sure what's wrong with me?
All of these, yes I do have a hunch
But hunches can never be answers.
I'm sorry I acted angry,
I guess that's the emotion that keeps me going.
I'm sorry for snapping,
I guess that was how I protected myself.
Thank you for being there.
Now I'm trying to convince myself that
You guys are not going anywhere.

This is all new to me, I guess.
Having friends that actually stay
And having people who like me the way I am.
I am forever grateful for this
Don't ask me about this pain that I am always feeling.
It has always been there,
Yes, it gets worse most of the time.
But I'm coping with it, in my own way.
Seeing you guys everyday,
At least I am able to breathe for a while
Before being suffocated again.

I may be not able to tell you guys what is wrong
But at least when you read this,
It may give you a glimpse of what might be wrong.
If you guys can figure out what's wrong,
That'd be nice for me because
I have no idea.

I guess this doesn't show in my face at all but
I am forever thankful to call you two my best friends.
I owe my mental being to you guys.
Thank you for giving me something to look forward to each day.
Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for giving me a reason to stay alive.

Love you two forever.
xx

I fought for you but did you fight for me too?

Love is never a strong word when it comes to you.

I miss you.
I know I should not, but I do.
I'm not sure why but
You make me smile
I feel silly for feeling like this
But I know you won't mind, at least.

You got smile that would make me do the same.
You are so far away but yet,
My heart still stops whenever I see your face.
I know I have felt nothing all this time.
My heart emptied every emotion possible,
So that I would never feel again.
That is you, being the exception to that.
You, brought back everything,
Everything I was trying to not feel.

If only you knew the strength it took,
For me to not fall again.
If only you knew how much it hurt,
For me to let you go.
No, I never stopped loving you.
No, I could never stop loving you.

You are everything I need.
Everything that I ever wanted.
But I can't put every little bit of hope that I have left
Into something that is less likely happen.
I need that glimpse of hope, for me,
To move on.

But if, anything ever happens for the both of us,
Whether it was two years ago
Or now,
You know my answer will never change.

I love you.
Always have.
Always will.

Love Tryphena
xx

I just wanna scream and lose control, throw my hands up and let it go.

This feeling of wanting to break down.
This feeling of trying to keep everything together.
It's so familiar but yet,
It's something that I do not really know of.

My body ached for this pain.
The only thing that would
If not silence, numb the voices in my head.
I ached to breathe again, to live through today.
I ached to feel the blood running through my veins,
Showing me signs that I am still alive,
That I am strong.
I need this pain
Even though I know it hurts you more than me.

I need to straighten up, to stand tall.
I need to be able to say hi, give a hug.
I need to be happy, to smile
I need to be there when you need me.
I need to be able to be strong for those who can't be strong for themselves.
I need to lift my head, to say I'm proud of you.
I need to be able to tell you I love you, like I've never been hurt before.
I need to be everything I can be, instead of what I can't be.

I need to be strong,
So that I don't fall.
I must not be weak,
I have miles to run.
I cannot trip because I don't know if
I'm able to pick myself up.

\

I have to be strong because I have no reason to be weak.

As told to me, for her.

You asked me what's wrong,
I say it's nothing.
I always say nothing,
Even though I know you are nowhere near believing me.
How can I tell you what's wrong,
When you are the only reason that I'm not fine.

I will be that person who will always be there for you.
I will always be the one to fix you up every time you break down.
Just so you are able to run back to him, whole again.
I know you love me,
But how I wish it was enough.

I know the way you look at him.
Guess it's the way I look at you too.
Everytime you put his arm around you,
I had to look away
Just to lessen this pain
Even though I know it will do no good at all.
I see how you lie on his shoulder,
I feel myself short of breathe
As if I'm slowly losing my sanity, losing myself.

I know I will never mean anything that will amount as much as he will to you.
I know I told you that
My feelings should not, cannot, and will not matter in this.
If only you knew how much it took me to tell you this.
I want you to be happy,
That is what I always wanted for you.
You deserve to be happy,
Even if it means me backing off
And letting you go.

Nevertheless,
I wish you belonged to me.
You would be my treasure,
And I would never hurt you like the others.
I would be able to love you forever.
And I would not need to write this,
Hoping you would see this.

You are everything that I want and everything that I can never have.

The moments you live for, the little things that keep you going.

For the first time ever, three sentences actually made me speechless.

I was randomly talking to my best friend about her future that includes beautiful babies which she almost always add a "pffffftttt" to before I can finish my sentence. And she said "You have a future too." I was messed up in the head at that time. I was upset over some things but I'm not sure what, everything from the past just came back to me. I was feeling so horrible then.

I put my arms behind my head and spoke my mind without meaning to.

"No, I would be the one who is nice to everyone and get screwed over in the end."

I never expected an answer from whatever I said, so basically, I honestly did not expect her to give me this answer at all.

I was staring at the window behind her with my hands resting comfortably behind my head. Then, she spoke without looking at me.

"Not everyone leaves."

I was stunned. She continued, this time looking at me,

"Not everyone will screw you over. I won't."

With that, she smiled at me and said nothing else.

Usually my instinct would tell me to reject this or to stop trying to believe it. But this time, its shouts are nothing but soft, tame purrs. And by some miracle, I actually believed her.

Is it wrong to be scared to trust that people would actually stay? Or is it easier to push this away just so I won't get hurt again?

People like to make promises the same way they like to break them. No one keeps promises nowadays, right? I know I always keep promises but does anyone do that anymore?

She is my best friend and this time, I find no reason to NOT believe that she will stay and be there. In fact, I do not need a reasaon to believe her. I just do and I guess that's enough for me.

\

You know the little things you look forward to everyday?
The people that makes your day when you see them?
The moments in some days that makes you feel complete?
The little things in life that you hold on to so that it keeps you going?

This is who amd what I hang on to, the only reason I am still breathing here.
If I ever lose these, I have nothing else left, nothing left to live for.

This might be my end, this time I might actually understand.

My tyre punctured today. Yes, very interesting.

This 100th post is dedicated to Francine and Timmy for rescuing me when I punctured my tyre. Love you guys.

Hi.

I haven't been posting about what I have been up to these days. So, this entry will most probably be about what I did for the past week and it will make me sound like a homeless hobo.

So I was staying over at Francine's for about a whole week. We did nothing much. Timmy a.k.a Timothy also came over. We chilledand watched a lot of movies and our movie marathons often end at about 2 in the morning so yeah, we sent Tim back home after watching a zombie or a paranormal movie. I got paranoid, hah.

7 Cheese pizza from Pizza Hut is amazing. For those who are reading this, if you love cheese, you have to try this. If you don't, you are seriously missing out on a lot.

I am never a fan of horror movies but watching it with friends seems less scarier than expected. When I got scared, all I have to do is pull the blankets over my head and hide behind Francine. and if ahe's scared, she'll hide behind Tim while I hide behind her. Poor Tim, he has no one to hide behind to.

So, that's what we did for the past week. Yes, this happened for the past 6 days. Yes, it was fun. No, we did not break anything.

I love good company and these two retards are good company. So I had a really good time.

My head is killing me.

Stay tune for more... Anything really.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Keep holding on, cause I know you'll make it through, we'll make it through.

For those who mean the whole to me, you know who you are

You're not alone, not really.
I'm here right now, yes, I'll take your hand.
I won't leave you, no, I'm not going anywhere.
This is not the end, it's just another beginning.
Another chapter in your life,
Just like how you read the next part of a book.
I'm sorry if it rains and you forgot your umbrella.
I'm sorry if it feels like the end, like you have nowhere to go,
And you wish everything would just stop for the sake of your mental being.
Don't tell me that you give up,
Cause you know I won't give up on you, ever.
If you feel lost, tell me,
And I'll tell the world to find you.
If you're weary, let me know,
I'll be that strength that you need to pull through.

Not everyone is perfect, no one expects you to.
Breathe and keep going, the suffering never lasts forever.
One day if I leave this world early,
Remember that I love you.
Remember that you matter more than I will ever matter to myself.
Remember this promise in hope that you can find that ray of sunshine from it,
So that it can get you through the tunnel of darkness.
No matter what happens,
Please remember that I love you.

From, Tryphena

I can't keep thinking that you're coming back 'cause I've got no business knowing where you're at.

They say two drinks will help me to forget him, after one too many, I know that I'm never.

I understand who means a lot to you. I do, so have fun.

If I could do anything for you, anything, you know I would do it.

When your heart breaks, so does mine.
When your tears fall, so does mine.

This pain that I've witnessed, this is far too much.
Dear God, how much longer will life torment her?
How much more do you think she can take?
She's barely a woman but yet, her life is harder than most.
Is this suppose to help her?
Or was it destinied to break her down?

Dear God, this is not fair.
Why is she the only one suffereing from this?
Why does she have to hide this pin?
isn't this wrong?

Dear God, where are you?

Count on me like 1, 2, 3.

For Francine.

If you're tired, sleep.
If you're fine, keep going.
If you still feel strong, run.
If you're out of breath, breath.
If you feel weak, rest.
If you feel like breaking down, cry.
If you feel happy, laugh.
If you are staying strong, smile.
If you feel numb, pray.
If you're lost, call me.
If you need security, hug someone.
If you feel sad, cry.
If you feel empty, pray and call me.
If you need me, call me and I'll be there.

Always here for you.
Love you.
<3

This will be my new phone, if I get it.

If only I had you back then, would I still make the same mistake?

This one is for Andrew Vun.

Andrew, may the dear Lord bless you.
We got closer over the past few months
Not sure when but it might be a month or two.
So there we were, same boss, same course and all
So here I sit wondering for so long,
Why was it that we never mingle, or at least said hi?
Were we that oblivious to the existance of each other
Or just simply shy?

Now, here we are.
It's October at the moment,
Exams, secret outings,
We will remember all of these when we're aged and wrinkly.
It'd be nice to tell our grandkids these stories,
About a girl and two guys screaming in the car of a maniac driver
Boy, Andrew,
They will laugh with disbelief and say,
Grandpa, you screamed?

I guess it's safe to say you are one of my best friends now.
It's a blessing and I'm not kidding.
You're like the big brother I never had.
Yes, I know you're younger but you act older that your age.
I'll let you in on something,
Even though I am sure everyone else who reads this will know this.
For the first time in my life,
I actually felt protected in a way,
Safe, so to speak.
Andrew, you know my story and everything else.
I lost hope and you know it.
Remember what you said?
The beating-him-up-even-though-you're-just-saying thing?
Thank you for not asking why I let it happen.
Your hugs, they actually comfort me.
You make me feel,
Safe.
You're like a big brother even though you're not.
I let my guard down even though I know I'm not suppose to.
Because for once, I believe that you won't hurt me.

So, to my unrelated brother,
Let it be older or younger.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Take risks, have fun.
Be crazy, be loud.
You're young, there are no restrictions.
Fall in love, fall out of love.
Do new things, prefect old skills.
Build a bridge, dig a hole.
Plant a tree, look for firewood.
Study till you die, die because you woke up.
Sing out loud, dance your heart out.
Take what's free and buy what's not.
Ignore trends and start your own.
Don't follow the crowd, define cool by your own standards.
Admit when you're wrong, rejoice when you're right.
Learn that nothing is perfect and perfection is achieved through mistakes.
Remember who you are and no one can change that.
Learn to surf when there are waves, climb higher when it floods.
Rise above the odds when everything is against you.
Remember to trust God always, for He never leaves you.
Believe in love, be strong in your faith.
Always hope because miracles can happen.
Listen not to gossipers but welcome the company of the wise.
Remember how to differentiate black and white, for the times are turning grey now.
Never doubt your instincts because God put it there to guide you.
Your heart may be decieved, trust God when you don't know where to turn.
Take a break when you need one, pushing yourself might differ results.
Treat people the way you wanted to be treated, this, I'm sure you're doing really well.
Smile, laugh, cry, get mad, every emotion, to be explored in this short life.
Live it well because I'm sure you won't get another.
Ignore insults from people who don't know you, they don't define you.
Everything else in life is planned out by God, so go with God's flow even when times are hard.

I hope she's sees everything I see in you and maybe more of it.
You're an amazing guy, remember that.
A good brother and a good friend.
You know I love you dearly, so don't forget me because I know you don't dare to.
One day, if I ever get to walk down the aisle,
You know you better be there because afterall, you're my big but younger brother, in so many ways.

I don't wish to care. I really don't but I wish you all the best.

I miss you. It's stupid but still.. *breathe*

No, you wouldn't understand.

Dedicated to her
From TC and TC

The sky was pouring today.
There was lightning, maybe thunder too.
It was cold, but not cold enough to make me shiver.
It made me sad, this weather.
But no, it did not make me feel better.

There I sat on a rainy day,
My best friend, yes, she sat on my right
Her pain seem endless just like this season.
Counting the days, without knowing when you see a fullstop.

She's trying her best, you see.
No, you wouldn't understand because you don't see what is hidden.
Me?
I wish I could take away this grief, make her smile,
Anything, to make her live again.
Seeing her tears, it broke my heart because
All I can do is to wipe her tears and give her a hug.
And no, this, you wouldn't understand.

This boy, you see, he gave up.
She gave him everything, fought to be with him.
He ran away with his tail between his legs.
Coward, that's all he is.
He looked for reasons in this mass of snowballed destruction,
To save this skin of his.
Finally, he found some.
Bullshit, all of it.
He took away everything she gave him,
Left her with nothing
But a heart, beyond damaged and a handful of empty memories.
This other guy and I, we're trying to glue her back together.
And no, you wouldn't understand.

This broken girl, you see.
She is my best friend.
Yes, she may cry sometimes but then again, she is human.
There will be days when the walls keeping her strong will tumble,
This other guy and I,
Will keep her steady, carry her when she can't walk on her own.
Yes, she will have a seamless smile on her face,
Only God knows what is really going on inside.
This other guy and I,
We can only know so much,
Catching her when she falls is the only thing to do,
This I promise you.
Yes, she will try to be strong and face the world.
If only you knew the amount of strength put in behind this effort.
She has goals, yes, she plans to study medicine someday.
She is amazing, a fighter so to speak.
But then again, every fighter fall down sometimes.
This other guy and I,
We will help her back up every time she falls.
Afterall, not everyone leaves your life.
And no, you wouldn't understand.

If hearts were unbreakable, then I could just tell you where I stand.

One day, you will see me smiling.
You will be convinced that I am content, happy.
Decieved by the invisible walls that i have build,
To keep everything out,
To protect no one but myself.
My laugh will be loud, even contagious.
Everyone will be sure that I am fine
When I know I'm not.
Everyone believes it, why shouldn't they?
I can be an Oscar winning actress, with this skill I acquire.
I could be that one woman,
That struggles so hard, yet refusing to fall
In this film, I would be the heroine that lost everything else and yet still standing tall
Wouldn't that be fair?
Getting something out of being strong for everybody.
If only minions of justice exist in the world,
Every tear shed will not dry up in vain.

You would believe that everything is fine.
Once again, tricked,
By this act in scene three.
It's believable right, this play?
Every scene, seamlessly real.
Curtain call, the play has ended.
Standing ovation as I take my last bow.
Thank you for coming, much is appreciated.
This routine has been the past and the present,
It will be a rerun in the future, it is a cycle.

This lie I wrote, never meant to be disscected or understood.
It is to be heard and for you to ignore like you did everytime.
I will never be your priority so I understand.
You will never look for me if I get lost in the land of dreams.
You will not be the first one to reach out your hand if I was drowning in my own hell.
You might be the one running when you see me being mauled by my own demons.
Afterall, i am nothing but a tool,
A nothing among your life of everything.

The day when I can be good enough for you, will be never.

Things change and you get used to it.

Sooo...

Today's paper was AS Chemistry Practical. Wasn't all that hard. I finished it, that's what matters the most. No blank spaces.

Before taking the exam, those who are in the 3rd session had to be quarentined from 8.45am till exam time which is about 2.30pm. It is a horrible experience. I can literally feel myself going insane in that room with NO phone and NO music. I am not the type to sleep during the day or anything like that but I end up sleeping from about 12pm to 2pm. Woke up with the world's most annoying headache. Now come to think, I might be claustrophobic.

Then when Miss Teng came in, she said,
"okay, you guys have to go now."
The whole class literally responded with the loudest "YES!!"

Obviously, everyone was eager to leave the room and I think my "YES" was the loudest. The sense of freedom that camd to me when I stepped out of the classroom was simply indescribable. Freedom at last. Next time my kids' name will be starting with A, B, C, D, E or F.

Then, we were in the Chemistry Lab.

No, my apparatus and stuff did not explode like it did in my dream and yes, I think I was too stressed. The headache that I had all day proves it.

I don't understand what is wrong with me. FB1 was emitting a weird, strong, bleachy smell. To confirm my suspcions, I HAD to put my nose so close to the beaker and choked myself. Halfway through the experiment, I suspected that FB6 had that strong ammonia smell in it. Again, I HAD to put my nose to it and sniff. This time, it choked me, bad. Curiousity always gets the best of me, which is a good and a bad thing.

Conclusion of the day, any kind of quarentined makes you restless even if you did not do anything.

I'm gonna study now.

bye. <3

Last words I want to say if I ever leave this world earlier than planned.

Stay strong. Never give in to temptation. Love till you can't anymore and hold every person close to your heart, for you never know who means the most to you. Never settle for less than you should deserve. Never change for anyone else except for yourself. Believe that you can achieve anything that you want. The sky is the limit. Keep your head high and know that you are loved.

For my parents and both my brothers, Aaron and Joshua.

For Francine, Emery, Andrew, CKM, Darren, Margaret, Jade, Trish, Lianne, Vui Ting, Ling Jin, Ivy, Timmy, Audrey, Kelly, Selwyn, Abigail, Christie, Foo, Marie, Samuel, Pei Hung and Yi Mei.

For those who cry themselves to sleep at night and for those who are going through hard times now.

I'm still waiting for this feeling to go away so that I don't have to be scared anymore.

I would like to pretend that everything is okay, for now. Thank you.

Your exclamations always amuses me

I guess this post will be as random as my blog title.

These are facts that I just noticed about myself.
1. Doing push ups and sit ups help me reduce stress of any kind.
2. My arms get tired after push ups.
3. I need to workout more.
4. The silliest and weirdest things make me laugh and make me happy.
3. Francine's duckie photo (my current phone background picture) makes my day, much to her dismay.
5. I don't mind doing past year papers, it's the "it might come out this exam" part that annoys me to no end.
6. I have insomnia at the moment. I can't sleep until it's past 2 am or something.
7. Insomnia gives me weird cravings.
8. All baby animals (except for snakes) are cute no matter fierce or tame.
9. I still do not enjoy Physics.
10. I still love Math, if I know how to do it.
11. I get weird dreams these days.
12. I cannot sleep past 6 or 7 hours.
13. A clean bedroom makes me feel relaxed and I can't study in it.
14. My messy room helps me concentrate better. True story.
15. I will forever love fried chicken.

That's all for now.
I'll do more past year papers now :)

Francine is my froggie :3

Soooooo,

It's 3.05am as I'm typing this. I can't sleep and I'm craving for fried chicken. Yes, people. Insomnia makes you want stuff. Heh.

I have been doing my Chemistry past year papers and I'm starting to get the hang of it. You see, I'm not usually the type of person to actually study and DO past year questions but now I don't really have a choice. Idon't want to fail. No, I can't do that to my parents, can't to that to myself either. I guess I'm just beginning to prove to everyone and mostly myself that I can do something when I really work for it.

It's a new thing for me. I usually give up when I don't understand something. But this time, I refuse to quit even when my first instinct was to run away. I'm not sure why but I think I like it. It's nice trying to work for something for a change.

I'm still not sure why I'm doing science but God has something up his sleeve. Afterall, nothing even happens for no reason. I swear my brainis dying right now.

I can never be thankful and grateful enough for God and the people I have in my life right now. They are the reason why I wake up in the morning and the reason for me to smile. Yes, the girl whose name is currently my blog post's title is one of them. I really should give God the credit for whatever he is doing in my life.

Dear God,

I am really sleepy and apparently I can't sleep. Anyway, thank you for everything and everyone that you have put into my life. I am happy with whatever you are planning but it'd be nice to leave like that for just a bit, if you please.

I used to say life is a bitch but to tell you the truth, it's better now. I will not complain about the hardships and the emotional struggles that I've been through, even though I do wish that it had not happened. They've made me stronger and made me the person I am today despite the shell cracks and battle scars that were left behind, as trophies, lessons and reminders.

Nevertheless, I still thank you, for doing whatever that you did because I'm still here, breathing and living.

Love, Tryphena.

I think I will try to sleep now.
Goodnight.

P/S 5 more days till AS Exams.

The feeling like..

The feeling Like you are never good enough for anybody.

You make plans with them first and they cancel with you because apparently someone else more important than you makes plans with them.

You talk to them and you want to hang out with them, they tell you they are busy and they hang out with someone else.

When you need them, you text them and they text back, telling you everything they want to say in less than 10 words.

The list goes on and on..

To whoever is reading this,
if you are feeling like this, believe that you are amazing and you are worthy enough to have better friends than those who ignore you.

And to those who are doing this to someone you know,
don't do this to them. It hurts, a lot. If they make plans with you first, STICK WITH IT. It's so not cool to ditch, it just makes you shallow. If you don't want to hang, just say so. Being mean like this might just make you lose more than you ever wanted.

I hope you'd see my face and that you'll be reminded that for me it's never over

Everything that I felt that night, everything came back. I was scared, humiliated, scared and ashamed. I don't know what triggered it, I don't know what happened but what you did came back to haunt me, leaving me feeling defenseless just like I did before.

I was in a cinema, enjoying the movie and the nightmares came back like a movie going in fast forward. Everything that you did, everything that I felt came back like it never went away. My heart raced like I just ran a marathon. My palm began to sweat as I feel my fingernails digging into my palms on the arm. I squeezed my eyes shut and open them again to keep myself in reality but it was in vain as I feel more and more vulnerable.

I looked around, trying to remind myself that you're not here, that you will not be able to touch me anymore but my aggressive instinct began to overwhelm my sense of reality. I wanted to run away, to be anywhere but where I was then. I forced myself to focus on the movie and to understand every word spoken in every conversation. Luckily, my inability to concentrate on two things managed to calm me down, enabling me to stay in my seat for the rest of the movie.

And then, the movie ended. I heard a loud voice in my head, "Get OUT of here! RUUUNNN!!" I jumped up and ran for the exit. All I was thinking about is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. I couldn't stay, I was not safe. I ran and ran and I did not stop until I was safely in my car, locked.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to lock myself in my room with my blankets around me. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to stay in my room and never leave again. But, I couldn't. I had to push all feelings aside and drive to pick my brother up. Despite the ongoing battle in my head, I managed to get home in one piece, physically speaking.

The constant urge to run and take cover does not seem to stop even when I am safe in my room like I am now. It never goes away. A best friend of mine said that it will go away and he's not going to hurt me anymore. The nightmares still get to me once in a while. The disgust and fear I felt back then is no different than what I am feeling now. I will have to fight as hard as I can everytime because it never changes and I don't think it will change, ever.

If I am given a wish to change my life, to have a second chance.

i would do everything the same way but this time, with a little less mistakes but I would do it all over again.

I was strong for you and you know I'll always be there no matter what but who is going to do the same for me?

My Hero: Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey

I want to be like her.
She helps people.
She blesses people.
She is like a very famous mentor to many, I am sure.
She is everything I want to be when I grow up.

Inspiring.
Compassionate.
Lovely.
Caring.
Generous.
Amazing.
I really cannot write out everything that she is here because it will be too long.
She brings changes to the world with every word that is spoken from her lips.
Everything she does, it helps the world.

That's the person I want to be in the future.
I want toNbring change no matter big or little.
She showed me and everyone else that it's possible to bring change.
She is and will always be my hero.

Love of a younger brother

It was dinner time and there was a disagreement on the table. The topic of my two brothers who often argue came up. The older one defended himself saying that, the younger brother disrespected him and often scolded him too. I sort of disagreed with it but I kept my mouth shut. The little 6-year old boy said, in his defense, that the older brother is always bullying him and that the brother is always the one starting a quarrel.

For everyone who has younger or older siblings will understand that the older one will always lose this kind of battle. This is partly true because in this case, my parents and I often witnessed the older one being a little bit meaner than necessary to the little one. Obviously, as an older sister, you would not really take sides. My little brother is six and the older brother is sixteen but yet, the younger one is being the mature one. I am eighteen and I dare say that 6-year-old can be 16 for his maturity.

After promising me, my mum and himself, the older one promised that he would not speak to his little brother ever again. Upon hearing this, the little one did not appear to be upset, angry or even hateful. He simply continued eating his dinner like nothing happened. I can see his little face falling from heaven but he did not cry or shed even a drop of tear.

After the older brother excused himself from the table, the little one also got up but he left to get a piece of paper and a pencil. He started writing while asking for the spelling of his brother's name, " do not" and "okay". When I pieced together the words he's trying to tell his older brother, it broke my mum's heart as it broke mine.

I love you if you do not love me, then it's okay.

He delivered it to his older brother's bedroom, with a quiet knock on the door and "Gor gor, can I come in?" He was only greeted by a harsh no from the inside. So, he slipped the note under the door and quietly went to take his bath without a fuss. And my little brother is only six.

Then, I asked him, "Did gor gor say anything?"

"No, he didn't say anything."

"Are you sad?"

"Yes but good thing, I have Ipad to keep me busy,"

"Why do you love him if he doesn't love you?"

He turned away from the Ipad screen, looked me square in the eyes, "Because he is my brother, I love him even if he doesn't love me."

He is six years old and that was his answer.

Facts about living

When you do something for too long, you lose sight of what you are chasing after and you wonder why you are working so hard. You forget what your goal is and you end up wandering everywhere without a direction, lost because you lost hope and you lost faith.

Even with a constant reminder, the reason might turn out to be just a reason because our priority changes with time.

You will be missed

Life is short. 

Live your life with no regrets. 

Treasure the ones you love 

And enjoy every moment with them 

Because when they're gone, it might be too late.

Dedicated to Timmy Chin's big brother. 

R.I.P 

20.09.2011

You were an awesome brother and a good friend to many. 

You will be missed dreadfully.

To Tim's family,

My prayers will be for you guys.

Stay strong.

x

Stat strong, this won't last forever.

Dedicated to those who wake up in the morning with a smile on their faces even though they are dying inside.
There is always that one person who will be strong for you when you can't be strong for yourself and to catch you when you fall.
Don't give up hope yet.

I can't pretend to know how you feel

But know that I'm here , know that I'm real

Say what you want or don't talk at all

I'm not gonna let you fall

You used to face the world all on your own

Now I won't let you go, go it alone

Be who you want to be,

Always stand tall

I'm not gonna let you fall

Reach for my hand 'cause it's held out for you

My shoulders are strong

But you can cry on it too

Eveything changes but one thing is true, understand

I'll always be here to help you stand

Love Tryphena

x

I'm tired from sitting all day.

So, as to the title above. I am tired from sitting all day, my butt really hurts. Something is wrong with me. My body hurts when I get up in the morning, I get weird dreams and I can't sleep at night.

Anywayyy...

I watched Johnny English with Francine and Tim today. Bing, Bong, Adrian and Kee were late for the movie but they still get to watch it. The movie was amazingly hilarious, even in the most serious situations, Rowan Atkinson can make it into a comedy. It's a gift to be able to do that without cracking up yourself. And from Fran's blog, she said she find it hard to decide whether she is laughing at the movie or at me laughing. So, My laugh is laughable. Naice..

Physics practical was okay. As we all know, the gravitational acceleration is suppose to be 9.81g/ms2 Guess what I got? 77.41g/ms2. Wonderful.

I have no school tomorrow which is good, it's a day for me to study all day. I really should study, come to think of it.

Gonna blog again around midnight :)

Late Night Thoughts #3

Well, it's midnight now. I can't sleep which is quite normal. I feel guilty when I sleep too early. It's like O'm wasting my tims.

Ouch, just knocked my head on my bed post. Well, that hurts. And I'm going to watch Johnny English tomorrow :)

I so excite :3

Watching by the sidelines

This song always reminds me of them. It was a time where things were okay but falling apart at the same time. No matter how much I loathe the guy who broke my best friend's heart, this is a story of them that I find bittersweet then and even now.

She was going to transfer schools. He was trying to be strong for her even if it meant being okay with the fact that she won't be in school anymore. They were at a gathering on the beach that night. She was fine. He was fine. They did not speak of the inevitable, maybe it was far from their thoughts, that was until this song came on.

His eyes watered but tears did not fall. She must have seen it because she took him away from the crowd to take a walk on a beach. I'm not sure if they walked for a long time or they sat down after a short walk. Either way, I remember her telling me that his arms around her and I'm imagining that her head was on his chest. Then, he broke down. Shoulders trembling, whole body shaking, silent sobs. He was crying, for her.

But that is a memory now, for her. It is obvious that I am watching all these by the sidelines but even so, it does not ease the pain that I feel for her when I hear this song. They are, in my opinion, perfect for each other no matter how incompatible she thinks they are. He makes her happy and she's happy with him.

It's hard for me to believe that it ended so fast. I saw this relationship build up and crumble in front of my eyes. I witness a girl's heart being shattered to pieces, I've watched her crumble so many times, because of him. It broke my heart just to think about the pain she has to go through. Seeing him every day, I've watched her brighten up at the sight of him while dying a little inside.

I may never know the amount of strength it took for her to get up in the morning and move on with life even though we both know she is far from getting over him. Every time I see her, I see the pain that is well masked behind everything, I know it hurts no less every single day.

I wish she doesn't have to go through all of these. It sucks to feel something like this, it's also hard for me to see her go through all these. Till then, she knows I'll always be there. She knows that I love her. It may not be much but I hope it might be just enough because everything will always be about him.

Thoughts

I know I will never measure up to him. He will always be the one that you would prefer to hang with. I know you love him and he will always be your priority. I will never amount to what he is to you. He will always be someone who matters. He'll always be someone that will put a smile on your face. I wish that I can be that but I know for a fact that I don't matter as much.

I'm fine here. As long as you smile, as long as you laugh, as long as you are fine, I will be okay. You know I'll be there when you need me. You know you matter a lot to me and seeing you everyday, knowing that we are friends is a blessing. You gave me memories that I cannot replace, showed me what life is and how to live it. You'll always be my best friend and a sister I never had. I love you, that's all I want to say.

I miss you

Do you still talk about me?
Think of me, ever?
Am I in your thoughts,
for even one short second?
It should be easy,
just like breathing.
You would be my sun,
someone that I could not live without.
Maybe it was never meant to be
Or it did not work out.
But I miss you.

I hope you are doing well
because that's all I want for you.

So, it's late. 12.11am

It's midnight and I finished emptying my thoughts that are buzzing in my head. I don't know why but I get the urge to write or something around this time of the night. Thoughts just come in your head like "BOOM!!!" and you can't sleep because you're too busy thinking.

But then, you get too tired to write all these stuff down and you end up forgetting everything that you thought about by the time you wake up which frustrates me because I get the best ideas for writing materials in my bed. *where I sleep and do nothing else*

Oh well, studying sucks, that's for sure. You get so tired of books that you just want to run away and never look back. Might be getting some nail polish to do my nails if I get too stressed or something. It's new thing for me because I love colors and apparently my parents don't like me coloring my hair too much so I'll try colors on my nails.

Might be fun for once. P/s. I'm not the type to absolutely love nail polish and heels. I like them but I'm not crazy about them.

I'm sleepy. That's a first. Guess I'll try to sleep.

Night all.

Late night thoughts #2

For everyone who studied, I'm sure you've been through a time where you feel trapped after studying for 9 days a week.

You would have the temptation to stand up in the middle of a lecture or a study session, leave and run towards the sunset, never looking back.

That something in your mind makes you snap at everybody about everything and make you into someone you're not.

That's what studying does to you when you study too much in a same place.

I mean, there has to be something more meaningful than studying. I'm sure it's important to have an education but there is more to life than gaining knowledge from books and looking for a way to earn money with that knowledge.

Going through life with a dead routine is not living. Yes, it might be someone else's type of life but it's not mine. I do not believe everyday is meant to be the same.

When something happens to me, I never fail to remember the date, the time and the venue of what happened. It is something out of the norm and it brought color to my life, no matter how good or how bad it was. It made that day different.

Now, I remember my days perfectly because one of my best friends is a random, fun loving, unpredictable retard that makes my day by being there and being a sweetheart that she is. My everyday life is never the same with her in it.

You did not live until you decide try something new everyday.
You did not live until you make new mistakes for the day.
You did not live until you take risks that will let you soar in the sky.
You do not live until you learn something new.

A new day is like a chance for you to give something back to the world, no matter how big or small you are. It might be giving your help to those who need it. It might be giving someone a shoulder to cry on without judging them. It might be spending some time with orphans or people in the nursing homes. Or it might be just  the simple fact that you care.

Late night thoughts #1

Some things will always be different in a way that it can still be the aame.

We will take different paths now but we will end up meeting at the point where all roads intersect.

The earth takes a long time to turn and oscilate but it will always go back to the spot where it left days or months ago.

We started out innocent, then we changed and became different people but by the end of the day, we will all end up the same way, dead.

Something more to life.

Sometimes when I see the news, reports about war, murders, casualties are always headlines. It's either that or some other political news. Everyone reads new or stories like such on a daily basis, they will comment on what the government should do or how to prevent something similar from happening? But yet, these are all just small talk and nothing more.

Oprah Winfrey never cease to amaze and inspire me with her words of wisdom and her inredible effort to help people. Her show actually shows real things happening in real life. It's not only about celebrities and how they live a glamorous life. The show showcases real people in real situations and points out the problems that are happening in the world. She doesn't stop there. Miss Winfrey made an effort to help other people and to bring change to the world. Moreover, she showed us that we can be the change instead of waiting for it to happen.

I have always admired her willingless to help others in need because it is not about the money. People have been blessed by her throughout the years and I believe that she will continue to be a blesing to the world till the day she takes her last breath. I've seen the joy in people's eyes when they get something totally unexpected, it never was about the money, it is knowing that someone else cared. It was just simple as that.

I want to be someone like her. Inspiring, loving and humble. I want to be all of that. The things that she has done brought joy, change and peace to the world. At least a lot of people and I think so. I want to do the same because it makes life actually worh living.

I am still stupid enough to do this.

I have been stupid enough to care about someone who obviously ignores me the moment everything is alright again. Told myself that it would not happen again. Then, they call me asking for my help and my impulsive urge to help always repeats the cycle.

So, everything is alright now. I am once again left alone with myself. Yet, I still take the blow and wait in the corner because I know you will call me soon enough. I don't mind helping but I don't understand why I put up with people like that? Maybe it's because they mean so much to me that I don't mind.

Now THAT is a stupid reason but then again, it's true. Sigh.

Dear Robby

Dear Robby,

It's been almost three years since you were gone. I know I should be accepting this fact and moving on with life but somehow I am not able to digest it even though I was able to move on. There is a lingering pain somewhere inside of me when I think of you or hear a song that reminds me of you. I'm not sure what to make of it. i guess I just miss you.

Where are you now? That's what I'm asking myself sometimes. Are you doing well? Do you still get to snowboard wherever you are now? Remember the time when you told me that the things you will never give up is snowboarding and skateboarding. And you were good at it too.

I'm doing okay. Busy but overall okay. It is never easy to be alive and living. You're not sure what is next and when it hits you,it hits you hard with no mercy at all. Sometimes you'd think at being dead is easier than trying to get to the next day.

Everytime I see someone skateboarding or see snow in tv shows, I will think of you and how you love all of these. Ice creams reminds me of you sometimes. Rainy days make me think of you also as both of us love rainy days. Just wish you were here.

Goodnight.
Love you, forever or longer.
Tryphena

Refusal as it is.

I refuse to see this.
Refuse to accept this.
You've changed.
Yes, I know.
I don't want to see it.
I don't want to understand this.

You are bad for me.
Always have, still is.
You are different back then.
But at least I know you.
I know how to react,
I know what to do.

Now this just doesn't make sense
Everything doesn't add up.
I don't see you anymore
You never bother to call
Everything,
That I've ever known.
Gone.
Poof, just like that.

Yes, you were different
But at least I was attuned to it.
Like someone trying to understand a radio station
Even though it speaks not the language that they know
But they try their best to understand it.
Now it's different.
Everything's different

I'm not going to hold on to you
Just because you pretend to hold on to me.
I don't want to care about you anymore
Even though I know deep inside I still will no matter what
I don't want to believe in you
Don't want you in my life

I want you to be gone from my life
Long gone.
I moved on.
I really did.
Go.

I don't want you.
I don't need you.
Go.
I don't want..
I don't.
I really don't.

Time drags on when you're studing chemistry.

So...

I really should be studying Chemistry instead of blogging.
But Chemistry is boring. Sad fact of life.

By the way, tomorrow is the last day of school, and yay, I get to sleep in :)

Wonder what I'll do first. Hmmm, three weeks, aye...

Life's is kinda fair but unfair in a way. Guess it's just nice if I live in the moment of now.

I will continue my studying. Might also burn the midnight "filament" tonight.

Night everyone

Playlist Medley which now looks like a sad love story.

I opened my eyes last night
And saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay
On the shore
Staring up at the planes
That aren't there anymore

You were my conscience
So solid
now you're like water
And we started drowning
Not like we'd sink any further

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see
To reach my destiny
I want to take control
But I know better

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if this as a movie
Stand in the rain outside
Till I came out

If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find a way
To end all bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
I'd say, I'd say

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been there all along
Why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me

Time flies when you're growing up.

**Dedicated to my awesome brother, Aaron**

His face popped up behind me when I was paying for my extra large tutti-fruity slurpee. I looked back, there was my brother standing behind me in 7-11. He said hi with an enthusiasm that I have known for years while he stood there, drenched in sweat after so many rounds of cycling around the neighbourhood.

He has black glossy hair which will point in different directions when it grew out, an impish smile that reflects his inner kid which acts as a contrast to his now less boyish good looks. He has a strong jawline and a straight nose that makes him enviously photogenic. He is considered short as a 16-year old but is slowly gaining height everyday. Despite the gender and age difference, we have the same eyes and the same wacky personality.

We grew up chasing each other around clothes rack and shelves in department stores, fighting over the longest piece of french fry, singing and jamming to the theme song of "Tom and Jerry kids" on top of a trampoline and constructing a "castle" using our bunk beds and blankets. That was about 8 to 10 years ago. Where did time go?

Now I'm 18 with scrapped knees and elbows that came with consistent bicycle falls and amazing hide-and-seek skills that can be only be perfected with years of practices. And he's almost 16 with the most generous heart, amazing technology information in his brain that is obtained somewhere and a pair of hands that can fix anything that has wires and other stuff that I don't know.

I paid for my slurpee while he paid for his RM 10 reload. It then occurred to me that he still had the same mischievous look he has when he was 6. It's nice to know some things don't change or disappear. I got in the car and started the engine. Then, I looked up just in time to see him speeding towards me. In two lightning fast seconds, he swerved with his legs on the ground and did a sharp turn while hitting on the brakes. He finished the stunt with a grace that I rarely see in guys and turned to face me with a smile on his face, looking pleased with himself. For a second, I was stunned and impressed. Cool. And to think that I taught him how to ride a bike about 10 years ago.

With the reload coupon in his mouth, he rode off back home while I drove myself to tuition. We used to ride bikes together. He laughed so hard when I told him I nearly fell into the drain. I used to hide his little plush toy and snickered when he couldn't find it. We used to pretend that we were the Prime Ministers in a parade when we were playing with our bikes and scooters. And somehow, I remember that he used to eat durian when he was younger.

He is different in a way that no one can ever imitate. His love for old songs and funny videos is part of what defines him. The kid in him will always love turtle plush toys and cats. His nerdy side will love anything that processes fast and has the word "beats" on it. Everything about him brings back memories for me and I'm sure for my family too.


As I'm driving, I wondered how different would life be for him and me if I leave for university? I wonder if he would miss me because I know I will miss him, his lame but funny jokes and his retarded and hilarious dances. It'd be weird not to have some one annoying you with songs that you hate and it'd be very quiet without his constant singing in the shower with blasting speakers.

Time flies when you're growing up but he'll always and forever be my little brother no matter how old we both are. So, who says everything has to change? 

UPDATES!! *Might be random*

It's been a long long long long time since I've blogged so I will fill in some details about my life right now.

1. I love doing maths at the moment.
2. I am very annoyed with ammonia because they make me dizzy everytime I use them during lab practical.
3. I am trying to study this time because I have no reason to fail. CHEERS!
4. I need to stop staying up past midnight.
5. Need. To. Stop. Eating. IF. Possible.
6. Time is too fast.
7. I don't want to grow up.
8. The idea of having a younger brother who is two years younger than me is growing on me and I'm starting to love it.
9. Trials up coming up in September.
10. 80 days till AS exam.
11. I have tan lines.
12. I really should sleep.
13. Guys are really stupid, ignorant, idiotic, egoistic, clueless, oblivious and so on. Sometimes.
14. I miss worrying about what games to play with my friends.
15. I really really don't wish to grow.
16. I don't miss her anymore. I'm happier now.
17. I have amazing friends that make me smile just by being there.
18. My family is really weird. But in a good way.
19. I really should be sleeping now.
20. I feel like writing another entry. Hahahahahahahahaha..

Told you it was random xD

Things change.

Never though it would be lke this
I was always the one calling
Texting you
Asking you how you were and how things are
Now that I've stopped, as an experiment
The conclusion is what I've expected
No, it was no surprise
But why do I feel disappointed?

You don't call
Nor do you text
You say you understand that I am busy
That you didn't want to disturb me
Or was all these just excuses for you
To not see that you were the one
Too busy for me?

I was the one holding on
I was the one who was never ready to let you go
You, my friend
Were the one that I cannot live without
The one whom I kept on loving like a sister
Despite the numerous times when you wounded me
Was I the one who wanted this friendship
When you showed no interest most of the time
But yet, somehow I feel you want it as badly as me too

The confusion that I cannot understand
Slowly driving me insane
Reasoning and instincts would not let me bleed any longer
Walls were build to keep the hurts away
But tears keep flowing as freely as possible

If I don't hold on,
Will you catch me?
If I let you go as you wish,
Will you come back?
Is there a possilble hope for me to believe
Tht you actually cared
That I actually matter to you
'Cause right now, I don't know what's real
And what's not

You,
Were someone that I do not think I can live without
Then,
It became someone that I stil need in my life no matter what
Now,
I can go weeks without speaking to you
And I don't miss you now

I am not going to be the one
Who is going to reach out
I am not going to be the one who misses you
Because now, I don't anymore
I am not going to be the one
Craving for your company
because honestly,
Things are different now
And I am happy even though it's without you
I am not making the same mistake again
Not going to hope

This time,
It's all you.

Be my reason to love again.

I was blinking my eyes, trying so hard
not to let the tears fall.
A part of me ached, for something
That the other part would not let me have.
I know I am putting myself on the front line
If I take this risk again, with love.
How do I trust something that I feel
But unseen?
Something that may trick me or perhaps
Make me crumble once more?

Do I let you in?
let you love me.
Or keep my distance, so I do not fall
Too hard
And end up trying to stand up, alone.

I love you.
There is no doubt.
It is actually something to me, that
You feel that way too.
I don't wish for a fairy tale ending nor
Do I wish for it to be a movie.
But please, one thing, is all I ask for
Give me a reason to believe again.
Show me why exactly should I love again.
Tell me how should I open up, once more?

Please be my spark of hope
And my reason to love again.

Him :)

After a year and a half, I've found him!
Him! Thanks to google!
When his name showsed up in my facebook notification, My heart rate went up. My belly did flip flops. I was shocked. Everything was right again.
I've missed him.
It IS him.
Finally.
I love you :)

School. Sudden outing. Ballet. What a day :D

I had school in the morning. It's very normal and very boring without my awesome friends who are either too tired or too lazy to come to school. I drove to school :DD It was fun and I parked the car perfectly. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I finish school at about early noon, so it's ncie to be able to go home early. YAY!!

Was watching I Love You, Beth Cooper when my "Awesome Mushroom" called.

"Hello?"
"Ei, YOU!"
"Me? Why me?"
"Can you go out?"
"What? Now?"
"Yeah, I need someone to go to 1B with me"
"I can't. I have ballet later."
"Diao. Why do you have ballet?"

In the end, I end up going with her to 1B and she sent me to ballet.

She went to Daiso to get the curry packer thing.

And she is NOT average. I've been to places with people before and nothing like this has ever happened. For the half an hour we were there, there were about 4 people who said hi, one who whistled, a bunch of dudes who literally said "I likey" or some shit. Even the cashier guy said "Sexy." after she left. It was obviously directed to her because NONE of this, i mean NONE has ever happened. EVER.

My mushroom. You are sure one special girl. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She drives like a pro for a beginner :)

Francine and Emery are one of the few people that can make me laugh, smile, choke, dance, trip, cry all at the same. Francine is the only person I know that can make swear words sound like a joke. Emery is the only person who makes gross-ness into a joke. I dont know what I would do without them in school.

There are other people who are awesome too. They make me smile and laugh in school. Gret, Darren, Nat, Aaron M, Typh, Ami and a few more. I love them all!!! Really.

Anyway. After stopping for RM20 gas, we zoomed off (kinda) to my ballet place. I felt awkward at first in my tights and leotart. It's been a year maybe, since I've wore them. But it was oddly comforting in a way to be wearing them again. I felt nostalgic.

After a lot of pirouettes, demi pointes and jumps, I felt my toes disconnecting with my feet and my calves are aching and my legs hurt and, and... BASICALLY my whole body hurts. But in a good way.

I Love You, Beth Cooper is a nice movie. I should watch it again some other time since I didn't watch the beginning or the ending. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I miss Vui Ting. Wish I can poke and then hug her now.

SKRILLEX!!!

Let me use, use, use you up tonight.
Give me all, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're mine

 
It's an AWESOME song!!!! Wonder why it took me this long to actually listen to Skrillex.
 
LOOK OUT EARPHONESS!!! YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING A LOT OF BOOMING THESE DAYS!!!

Holidays. Brothers.

Holidays are so unproductive. I am going back to KK in about 2 hours. I really don't enjoy long journeys in the car but too bad, they don't have airports here so yeah.

Maybe this is weird to say so but I'm not afraid to admit that I miss my brothers. I cried when I was told by my mum that my dad misses us. My brother is at camp and I'm at a sleepover two hours away. My mum said that dad said things are going to be something like this if my brother and I are studying overseas or something next time. I burst into tears after reading the text.

Then I told my brother that daddy misses us. My brother called right after that. Telling me that they are playing Frisbee and he got another cut on his leg which I found amusing for some reason. Then after that phone call, I was in tears?

Now I'm thinking that IF I really go somewhere to study, I am REALLY going to miss my family.

Ugh. I can't be all sad and teary. I should stop talking.

Till next time.

I don't know why but I miss my brother.

:'/

It's been weeks since I've seen you
I know you were gone
I told myself that
It only makes sense if
I didn't like you anymore.
And prove this to myself,
I told you how I felt.
I felt nothing when
You told me your heart belongs to another.

I told myself that I am fine
That I had given you up
I thought I've forgotten you
Thought you were out of my mind
Gone.
For all I know.

Then this song came on.
The aching feeling reminded me of something, someone
Someone that was suppose to be gone
Then I realised it was you.
I have been lying to myself.
Lying that I've stopped liking you.
When in reality,
I was just forcing myself to believe that
I wasn't falling for you anymore.

I swear I'm going to cry for you
I swear I'm not going to think about you.
I swear I'm letting you go.
I swear I don't like you anymore.
I swear..

I miss you.

My most normal but happiest birthday

It was a normal day out. But I had fun. For the first time ever, I spend my birthday like any other day. I helped Abigail and Emery to shop for the things needed for the play. Well, I didn't exactly helped but I tagged along and gave suggestions when needed to and that is helping :) And Abby bought me a mango ice cream as my birthday treat :D

The morning started out with the extended student council meeting. It ended around 12pm. And I watched some of my friends rehearse for the play for IS night. It was good. There are sweet scenes that makes you just AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be good play :D

I'm still debating whether to go for IS night or not. I dont want to buy the dress because I don't think I will be able to fit into one. It's just embarrassing.

After the shopping stuff thing, I went to Emery's house to chillax. I like going to her house. Her house is just gorgeous. She took a nap while I went on facebook. I really see no point of going on facebook sometimes but you just click on it automatically.

Emery seem to have taken my birthday as a reason to go crazy because she tells every single person that we meet and know that's my birthday. I'm not sure if I am reacting to the whole being-the-center-of-attention thing or I just don't like people knowing but I just don't want people to know it's my birthday.

When I went to her youth, she just HAD to announce to EVERYONE IN THE ROOM, "IT'S TRYPHENA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!!" I was like "Dude, shut up!" But oh well, a lot of people knew. When she told her mum, I feel bad when she gave me an ang pau. I mean she didn't have to, really. But I was grateful anyway. Her mum also gave me a hug :DDDD

Well, anyway, when it was nearly ending, we stood up to pray. And i had a phone call so I left the room but about 15 seconds later, someone told me to go inside for a while but since I was on the phone, I motioned later.

After the phone call, I went in and the second I stepped in the doorway, I heard "HAPPY..." and I ran back out. xD I guess I panicked. The same thing happened last year when Vui Ting surprised me with a cake and stuff. Darren had to literally push me into the room. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH But I cannot believe I ran out of the room.

Even though I didn't have party or didn't do anything special like jump off a cliff or something, I had fun today. I am not someone who cares about how much you spend on my birthday gift or how big was the party that you threw me. I don't give a shit about it. It's always the thought that counts. To me, a gift is something that comes from the heart and cannot be bought entirely by money.

Personally, I would find a heart-felt letter more valuable than a very expensive gift. I am never a materialistic person so I treasure letters and photos more because they come from the heart and hold memories that are precious and irreplaceable.

Emery is one of the people that I would like to thank for making 14, May, 2011 a special day for me. So, EMERY THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!!! AND YOU'RE GOING DOWN ON 27th SEPT!!!!

Just Don't

Don’t eat, you’re gonna get fatter.

Don’t talk, you’re making yourself look fucking stupid.

Don’t laugh, it’s annoying as fuck.

Don’t hold on, you’re going to fucking let go sooner or later anyways.

Don’t expect someone to make an effort with you, you’re just gonna let yourself down again.

Don’t try, whats the fucking point?

Don’t cry, you’re fucking weak.

Don’t feel anything anymore, numbness is all you fucking know now.

Don’t hope for freedom, these chains are never going to be cut loose. Ever.

Don’t even breathe; it’s fucking pointless.