Autumns and him.

I have never met you.
When I think of you,
I think of autumn,
breezy afternoons and chilly winds.

I was told that autumn can be quite cold
and somehow,
I can imagine us taking a walk in the park.
Hand in hand,
fingers interlocked.
I don't know how cold I'd be but
in this imagination of mine,
your hands were warm.

In my mind,
we were wearing scarfs of the same color.
In my mind,
 we are walking hand in hand in the same park.

Day 4 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Write a haiku. They’re often about nature, but yours can be about anything.

Cuckoo cuckoo,
Seasons passed like books flipping fast
He never called me back.

Cuckoo, cuckoo,
it sounds like come back come back
I'd do anything please

Cuckoo cuckoo
He never came back for me
I would still wait for him.

Day 3 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Find the nearest book (of any kind). Turn to page 8. Use the first ten full words on the page in a poem. You may use them in any order, anywhere in the poem.

Are you still here? I'm afraid you already left.
Some days I miss you more, even when you are there
Mornings are the worst, especially after I have dreams of you.
I can still feel your warmth as if you never left, your cologne still lingers on my clothes.
Can you stay any longer, I asked, then you smiled,
Tell me you love me, you whispered.
He's leaving,
Rushing to live a life where he's free from everyone, including me
me, I can't let him stay if he doesn't want to. Instead,
Off you go, I said, my mistake was not telling him that I loved him.

Every goddamn time.

I see you in the busy streets outside my window,
I imagine what you look like, stuck in traffic.
It's pretty silly though, trying to imagine you in traffic,
you reading in the corner of a coffee shop, you playing catch with your dog,
you doing something, like being next to me.
I see you when I take a sip from my coffee mug,
I can't remember if you liked coffee or not
but I imagined myself bringing you a cup of whatever in bed
or maybe, I'll leave it on the table, still steaming hot, with a note,
"Hope it's not cold when you wake up. I love you."
It's funny how our thoughts can bring us to places,
the travels beyond our imagination,
or perhaps, another dimension where everything is different,
where you and I were together.

I see you when I cross the road to get to class.
You'd be tugging at my hand, signalling me to walk faster
as the traffic lights just turned green.
I see you when the cheesiest, corniest love songs play on my music library.
Those lyrics insisted that "we were meant to be", "you are my everything",
it sounds so stupid, considering that I have never meet you.
Yet, here we are, hopelessly waiting for the impossible, for a miracle.
It bothers me that I am so painfully sure of you, that you are so sure of me too,
like we have a future but we may not?
The dark clouds are sure signs of rain.
I see you when the rain falls because I have never doubted you,
the same way I never doubted the dark clouds.

I see you in the parks, playgrounds, by the beach,
All the places that we may go one day.
I see you in the books I read, the movies I watch,
I see you whenever a character says "I love you".
I see you when skies turn grey, when people run to hide from the rain.
I see you at the airport, bus stops, train stops,
I see you when the traffic light turned green
and me using everything that I have in me to make it across the road.
'Cause that's how I'd run to you when I see you,
in any dimension, any parallel universe,
every goddamn time.

Day 4 of 30 challenge: What is true love?

True love. It is very subjective for everyone. This is my version.

True, to me, is genuine and real. Love, well, it's complicated but yeah..

Love is when you know that they will mess up and you will be mad but you will get over it. It is knowing what they like to eat and knowing what they look like when they eat. It is telling them to pick their clothes off the floor over and over again, knowing that they won’t and you still do it everyday. It is being able to shout their name from the living room to the bedroom to get something for you. It is texting “I am home” when you get home at 2am. It is not wanting someone to go through something horrible alone. It is never wanting anything to hurt someone even though you know it is not the reality but still wishing for it. It is being mad at someone but not mad enough to want them to go away forever. It is wanting to show them off to the world even though they are only valuable to you. It is kissing them when they are sick. It is trying your best to make a personal present everytime it’s their birthday. It is insulting each other but never taking to heart. It is when you know you’re coming back after a goodbye.

Love is pictures on the wall and late night poems, your last 8 bucks spent on a ride to go to them. It is waiting at transits while the other prays that the plane is not hijacked. Love is staying at the door to wave goodbye and running in full speed with the doorbell rings. It is shouting at 1am because of mortgages and still waking up next to the other the next morning. Love is staying even though all you want to do is run. It is raised voices and hushed but sincere apologies. Love is making someone climb mountains so that you can show them what you find magical. It is laughing at them when they fall down while helping them up. Love is everything that the other sees about you and tries to tell you how fascinating you are. It is them loving all the parts that you hate about yourself and them kissing the scars that you left.

I'm scared of what I might feel for you, can you understand that?

You, and always you.

I wish you were here. I wish you could just hold me tight and stay there for the night. I wish to be able to look up to you and see your face. I wish.. I wish I could bury my face into your neck and we could just stay like that for the whole night. I wish I didn't cry when I miss you because right now, I couldn't stop crying. I miss you and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish you were here, you'd kiss my forehead and tell me that you love me. Then, I'll be able to look up and say I love you back.

I miss you and I wish I had enough of the right words to express it.

God damn, You're Beautiful by Chester See

The only song that makes me feel everything, EVERYTHING that I refuse to feel.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I miss you.

The only song that allows me to think about you.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I love you.

The only song that gives me permission to break down and cry.

The only song that represents my weakness, you.

I know.

I know that he loves me. I know that he'll always be there.

That is enough for me.

To the guy who taught me how to play a dangerous game called Love

Thank you. Now I know better.

Refusal.

http://picklesarestillnotmything.blogspot.com/2011/07/be-my-reason-to-love-again.html

I've written this a year or so ago. Nothing much has changed. I'm still scared. I still refuse to love, at least to let myself love. Getting hurt, no, that's not the part that I'm afraid of. I've loved, still love someone after 8 months of torture and pain. No, that's not it.

I'm afraid that if I love someone, I will never stop loving them, The person above is different, she's my best friend and there will never be a chance of us ever being romantically involved so that kind of love is fine.

The one that I'm talking about is the kind that breaks you into pieces. The kind that makes you stop living and makes you stop wanting to live. The kind that makes your tears fall whenever you see something because everything, EVERYTHING is going to remind you of him. The kind that makes even breathing look like rocket science. The kind that makes you realize that no one else will ever love you ever again.

I've seen enough broken people, seen enough people being broken to know what being broken feels like. I don't know what that kind of broken feels like. I have been broken before, just in very different ways but I guess it's all the same. You feel pain, you feel agony, you feel torture, you feel numb and you just want to die.

We decide how much of a risk we are willing to take. This time, I'm just too tired to risk anything and to brace myself for the pain.

This time, I just refuse to feel.

6/8

One day, it will stop hurting.
One day, I'll forget you.
One day, I'll be able run and be rid of you.

Harry.

I know it makes no sense 'cause you walked out the door. At least it doesn't to me. I knew I won't be the one to end this because I know that I couldn't. Every song I hear reminds me of you and how everything used to be. The things that I do, remind me of you. Even things like plugs, it reminded me of what you said when I was trying describe something to you.

I don't remember crying. I don't remember being sad. I feel broken, like nothing is ever going to be right again. I can't cry, my body refuse to. I want to be upset so that I can get over this but I can't because right now, I can't feel anything. It's like my mind is refusing to feel anything that has to do with you. I've shed a few tears when I said my goodbyes but nothing much after that.

I keep wishing that you'll come back. I guess that's normal or maybe I still have that slight ray of hope left. She said she will kill me if I ever got back together with you. I don't know. It's like I'm so convinved that all that I am feeling now, that love for you, is something that I will never feel for anyone else. I love you, it's that simple but I wish everything was that simple.

You promised that you will be there forever. Who knew forever would be so short. I miss you. I understood everything you said and where you're coming from. I told you I would fight for it but it won't work out because you are not willing to fight harder.

I love you. I know this won't bring you back but I guess after so long, it became something I hold on to when I have nothing. I miss you all the time only now, I won't be able to say hi just like that. It hurts a lot but I'll be able to get by.

I love you and how I wish it was enough for you.

Not fair.

Dear God, this is not fair. It sucks enough that there's more than 3000 miles between us. It's not fair that I still have feelings after 3 years. It's not fair for me to keep having hope even though I know that it might not work out. How can I look at other people and not be jealous? It's not fair.

Words always fail when it comes to you.

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you


I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow


Hello!
I've just got to let you know
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Not this time.

Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallowed my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees,
I thought I was stronger.
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

\

Not this time.

My mistake was staying when I should have been gone a long time ago.

Adele is a genius with her songs.

This is for you. You are not the mistake, staying and waiting for you is. I took you back everytime you said you were sorry. I took you back everytime I was ready to move on because I convinced myself I was nothing without you. Not anymore.

\

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always with you?

Love is never a strong word when it comes to you.

I miss you.
I know I should not, but I do.
I'm not sure why but
You make me smile
I feel silly for feeling like this
But I know you won't mind, at least.

You got smile that would make me do the same.
You are so far away but yet,
My heart still stops whenever I see your face.
I know I have felt nothing all this time.
My heart emptied every emotion possible,
So that I would never feel again.
That is you, being the exception to that.
You, brought back everything,
Everything I was trying to not feel.

If only you knew the strength it took,
For me to not fall again.
If only you knew how much it hurt,
For me to let you go.
No, I never stopped loving you.
No, I could never stop loving you.

You are everything I need.
Everything that I ever wanted.
But I can't put every little bit of hope that I have left
Into something that is less likely happen.
I need that glimpse of hope, for me,
To move on.

But if, anything ever happens for the both of us,
Whether it was two years ago
Or now,
You know my answer will never change.

I love you.
Always have.
Always will.

Love Tryphena
xx

I miss you

Do you still talk about me?
Think of me, ever?
Am I in your thoughts,
for even one short second?
It should be easy,
just like breathing.
You would be my sun,
someone that I could not live without.
Maybe it was never meant to be
Or it did not work out.
But I miss you.

I hope you are doing well
because that's all I want for you.