I got a job and i'm scared.

I got a job.

It was a random email that got me a proper job. I think it was last Wednesday I got an email saying that the guy named Suresh saw my job resume on the job search websites and he thinks I am suitable for this job post that he also elaborated. I had given up on jobs and was already planning that I'll be here till Christmas and thought like what the heck, why not? So, I sent in my resume, in which I got a reply the following day. He said he had sent my resume to the company that is their client and he called me the next day, I think, asking me if I really wanted the job. I said yes, and he arranged a phone interview that was supposed to be today. There was a misunderstanding which resulted in the people calling me 3 hours for an interview that I wasn't prepared for.

I supposed I did well because they wanted me. I wanted to doubt that I wasn't good enough because it was just mind-blowing how fast everything is. I was stammering throughout the interview because I was taken by surprise. I could have done so much better than that interview but it obviously don't matter now.

I start my job on the 26th of September, a Monday. I will get the details of when and where next week. I am leaving on the 21st to get myself ready. I got a place in Subang Jaya. Nice area that is walking distance to an LRT. I don't mind traveling a bit and not being too comfortable because I think I need to be reminded that I am working towards something better. Somehow I believe I need to be reminded of it and be forced to get home on days when I need to just walk it out if it makes sense.

27th is her birthday. She's turning 26. I gave her a handwritten book of the poems that I wrote about her last year. I would have gotten her something this year too but I don't think she wants to have anything to with me now. Funny how someone just stops loving you one day and they decide, then and there, that you no longer matter. I've somehow managed to accept that now. The whole relationship is already feeling like it was a dream, a very happy dream, I don't remember how her voice sounds like, I don't remember how she feels in my arms. I don't remember what she smells like or what her lips taste like. I've started to believe that I have made her up in my head and that she wasn't real. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was all in my head. I may have gone crazy for absolutely nothing. Maybe she never existed. Maybe I really have gone crazy and she wasn't real.

I'm still scared. Who knows, maybe I'm not good enough to have this job. What if the guy that hired me realized I was nothing like the girl in the resume that he read? What if they realize they've made a mistake they're like "I want a refund on this fraud"? Maybe I just can't have nice things.

Maybe that's it.

Leaving behind.

I can't help myself from looking out of the window. They say, in order to move forward with your life, you cannot look back. Then again, what happens when you are not leaving but leaving behind?

I am sitting here in the plane, waiting for the passengers to finish boarding. I reckon most of them are either going back from a sadly short vacation or going home. Most of them wear a hijab and are alone so I'm assuming they are all students and are going back for their holidays.

Taking off is slow as usual. It is as if it's giving me a chance to jump off the plane and yell "I'm not leaving!". The temptation to do so gets stronger as the plane starts to get on the take off lane.

"We're ready for take off," says the captain and my brain switches to full panic mode. "Wait, I'm staying" Obviously I was too late and all I can do is just sit here helplessly as the plane flies off full speed in to the air.

My eyes desperately tries to take in every familiar building that swishes by; My brain tries to recall where every single building is and their purposes. Secretly, I was searching frantically for my house, in hopes of catching a last glimpse of it, even though I know damn well that it's on the other side of the city.

As the plane disappears off into the clouds, sadly with me in it, I was forced to stay in my seat and just accept the fact that I am flying off. So, what happens when you're not leaving but leaving behind? They don't tell you anything about it but I'll tell you now that it's not bad to look back. After all, all your stories, your dreams, your beginning started there. It's only fair that you never ever forget that.

Day 5 of 30 Challenge: What’s the point of life? Define a great life.

A great life. It's different for everyone.

I just want to be happy, I want to know exactly who I am by the end of the day. On contrary to most people, I don't need to meet someone to "complete" me. I want to be able to be content with myself and what I do in the future. I want to make something out of myself.

A great life to me, is when you are able to bring change to someone, not just like a small change. I am talking about the good change that cannot be reversed, a change that matters. Is it saying that I want to matter? Maybe,but then is it so bad to want that for yourself?

It's hard for a young adult who always battles with her emotions, barely 21 to say that she wants a great life or that she dreams of having a great life without being judged of "not knowing more about life". The debate of a young adults not knowing enough of the world to know what they want out of it is just endless. I know what I want, whether be it selfish, silly, foolish or impossible, I want to matter.I don't care if it's in a big or small way, I just want to feel, for once, that my existence actually means something, yeah, that my existence matters.

A great life to me, is to be able to leave something good behind when you live this world., to say that you have contributed to this revolution of mankind.

Last post of 2012: Confessions

I remember the time when I am sure that I love you.

I remember feeling so upset like I was never gonna smile again.

Then, there you were.

Brown eyes with golden flecks, 5'4, brown hair with natural light brown highlights, a smile that lit up my world, hands that are so soft. The way you fit just right in my arms.

I remember the times where I look at you like you're everything that I have and I ever wanted, and me trying to figure it out what it meant.

Right now, closing my eyes, I can feel your hands on the side of my face. Your face being so close, your eyes staring straight into mine, telling me everything's going to be alright.

Then, your arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me close to you, pulling me into a tight embrace.

When you pulled away, you looked at me again. Your eyes filled with some emotion that I never see that often. You said that you love me and hugged me tighter.

I looked at you and I'm home.

I love you.

Happy New year 2013

For the last time.

I learnt that..

Most of us don't really learn about that feeling of "the last time" until we actually have to do something for that very LAST time.

Like now, it's my last time tweeting/blogging/sleeping/downloading stuff in my own room.

And somehow, we don't realize how important something or someone is to us until the very last minute. I think it's sad. 

When my mum told me that she couldn't sent me off to university in the morning, I felt tears in my eyes. And it's weird because she was there during every graduation, every performance and when she said she couldn't make it, I felt that emptiness of her absence even if I understood why she couldn't make it.

It's not like I'm mad at here but it's just that kid inside of you that wants to throw a tantrum is screaming "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!" And it's just that feeling..

Oh shit,

I'm crying. 

Why did I make myself cry...?

I haven't cried in a while. The last time I cried was the day I last saw Francine. It was like a pent up explosion of her leaving and me leaving my family and for.. change.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate goodbyes. Like hate it!

I'd do anything to stop it from happening or at least let myself not feel the absence of that person or avoid it altogether.

People leaving. And goodbyes.

Those are my biggest fears. And I'm still having trouble facing it.

Francine, why are you on the other side of the world when I need you the most..? Come back :(

I'll write more later because I feel like I will have a lot of things to say, a lot of thoughts to be expressed and it'll be good, I guess.

I hope I get a nice roommate. I don't expect them to be neat ( 'cause I'm not.), proper ( I am so not!) or perfect. I just want someone that I get along with.

Fingers crossed. 

To be honest, I am really scared.

Sigh.

Inevitable, change.

December, being the last month of the year, almost has the same meaning as change.

During this time, most of the people will see if they completed all of their resolutions made in the beginning of the year and then, they would make new ones. Things that they would like to change, the character traits of themselves that they would like to change. This month, is all about change.

Students getting ready for a new year, buying new uniforms, new bags, new stationary. They promise themselves that they would work harder the next year, that they would change to be better. Working adults promising themselves to work harder to get a promotion and spouses promising themselves to be better husbands or wives to their significant other. And kids, they promise their parents to be better kids, to be obedient and all. Change. Everything is change.

You know what it means to me? December?

It means everyone leaving. I'm leaving my home to go to uni. My best friend is not going to be around so often. I will be in a new environment and I have to deal with people and things that are completely new, foreign to me. It means everything is going to change, it's going to be different.

I am not good with change. I despise change. I wouldn't want it if I had a choice but I don't.

I run away from change. I don't adapt well to change. Oh, save your lecture about how I need to and I have no choice, of course I know that. That doesn't mean that I deal with it well. In fact, I am pretty much a mess now, trying to deal with it.

I hate goodbyes because it brings change. I am honestly terrified and scared about uni because I have no idea what to expect from it. I am content with the way things are right now. I call Francine, she picks up. We chat and then makes plans together. Going away means all these that I have right now, is also going to go away.

I am not ready for all of these but then again, who is?

I refuse to change but then, I have to because there's no way I can afford it.

I hung out with Francine today. It's like our last time to hang out because she's off to KL tomorrow and then back again on Wednesday only to go off again to US on Friday. After that, I won't be seeing her till next year, mid January. That is for the Swedish House Mafia Concert and then, I have no absolutely fucking idea when I'll see her again.

I am scared. Not only cause of the change, also cause of the not knowing when I'll see you again. I cannot deal with the fact that the last day I'll see her is like on the day of the concert and then, BAM!, something bad happens. I can't deal with this.

When it was time to go, we hugged. 
I felt her arms loosen. I remember saying while refusing to let go, "I don't want to let go." 
I hear her laugh, she hugged me once again, with a plastic bag of cereal and toothpaste in one hand. 
Gently, she said, "But you have to."
We both let go at the same time as I looked at her and whispered, "I know.."
We said our last take cares and you toos and then, going our separate ways.

Our friendship, for me, is different because we have these small movie-like moments where the shortest sentences, the smallest gestures mean so much more. It's that part of the movie where the rawness of emotion and simplicity of words and actions makes the whole scene so undeniably real and then, you believe it. We have those moments. And it's those moments that help me through the hard times when I can't talk to her.

I was crying like hell when I was describing that scene above because it's something like the last hang out or something. I am indeed grateful for her, Despite our little squabbles and swearing at each other during our huge fights, I would not take back anything that happened from the moment I met this girl. It's because I knew her, I have been changed for good.

I am sorry for being sentimental but yeah, I am scared of the things that I cannot predict.

So the posts this month might be about how I am dealing with everything.

New York, I'm coming for you!

Being in New York is like falling in love, over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to serenade us to make it perfect.

 - Rachel Berry, Glee.

When you don't expect it :)

It's been almost a month since everyone is gone. This time, I dare say that I have gotten used to it. Yeah, it can get a little boring but yeah, I got used to it.

It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:

1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with  any of my best friend's boyfriend.

To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all.  Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.

Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and  good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D

Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.

Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.

He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.

P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!

2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.

Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.

3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?

The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.

4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.

I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.

I'm ready for uni now, bitches!

Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)

---

Dear strangers who might be reading this, 

life is unpredictable and 
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that 
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.

Encantada :)

From Tryphena
x

Airport goodbyes

I feel so bad.
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.

Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..

Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.

I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!

Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)

Love you both.
x

- Oprah Winfrey

You are not the product of your circumstances. You are a composite of all the things you believe, and all the places you believe you can go. You past does not define you. You can step out of your history and create a new day for yourself. Even if the entire culture is saying, "You can't" Even if every single possible bad thing that can happen to you does. You can keep going forward.

Extracted from http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Gayle-King-Interviews-Oprah-About-the-End-of-The-Oprah-Winfrey-Show/2#ixzz26KeEaJxu

Another chapter in life

I got my A level results yesterday and I passed everything!!
You know how some people want to get all A's and they try so hard for it? Yeah, congratulations to them, Most of them get straights A's.
But I'm cool with passes :)
I don't wish to be a doctor, a dentist, professionals or that sort.
Pfft, that is why we have scholars for.
I'm not a scholar or like a brilliant brilliant student.
I just want to live and do something useful with my life.
Sure, saving lives like what doctors do is important but it's just not how I want to live.
Francine said something about making a difference in people's lives.
Yeah, I wanna do something like that,
That's why Oprah Winfrey is like my hero.

She also proved another point to me,
You can do great things even without a guy by your side.
I know most girls have that fantasy of the perfect dress, the perfect guy, the perfect wedding.
You know, it's weird because I never really had that fantasy.
Okay, fine, I can explain.
When I was younger, I hate dresses so no, I can't see myself in a dress then.
Guys, well, I am not the kind with looks that stop traffic.
They say I have personality but then it's all about the looks.
You don't have that, good luck in life.
So yeah, we are friends and there's always no more to it.
I think it's a good thing because I learn how to differentiate from douche bags to idiots
'cause I don't get infatuated enough to be that blind.
Weddings.
When I was younger, it seems like something you would  only see on a show,
the perfect endings I mean.
As we grow older, we see the real stuff going on.
Cheating. Fighting. Abuse. Divorce.
It seemed to me that everything are just made up of empty promises.

Well, that is just my opinion for now.
After all, I'm only 19 and I'm just at the starting line of life.
I don't wish to be tied to this one person when it's time to explore.
I just want to be a girl, at least for a little while.
Long enough for me to know what I want out of this short life.

Oh well, enough ranting.
Back to uni stuff.
Ciao!

Try