Bee Gees, amirite?

I realize I've spent a lot of time missing people.
I don't do anything about it.
Not because I don't want to,
A lot of times I would have almost made up my mind
and then, I remember that I couldn't afford to.
It was a bitter moment
because I was limited and there was nothing I could do.
So I settled,
Settled with just missing them.
Maybe that's why I remember the small moments, the small things.
My brain was getting all these information ready
for a rainy day, which was almost everyday.

The things I remember are odd:
the twinkle in my best friend's eye
the way lips felt
the deep sighs that my little brother could make
the way my family harmonizes at the dinner table
cold beer on lonely nights
cigarettes in a loud club
warm hands in mine when my insides felt like pitch black
sharp pain on the insides of wrists

I think I've spent a lot of time missing sensations
In these sensations, there were heights of emotions.
In these emotions, there was a fight to staying alive.
I think I miss being alive.

I have never been the one to run from what I feel,
or swallow what I feel.
It's been more than a month since I've written.
I am feeling exactly what one will feel after a month of being "too busy" to deal with feelings
I feel emotionally constipated,
in short, I feel numb.
I have made myself busy, tired, angry.
I ignored the sad, the depressed, the want to die.
Here I am with emotions overload and I am trying to find peace in places that I know has none.

I have felt angry
because how dare life!
How dare life make me work for the next 30 to 40 years just so I can have a life!
It's not even to enjoy life, it's just to have the slight option of having a life.
How dare life demands so much positivity from me when so much has left me so empty!
How dare I want love!
How dare I want to come home to someone who loves me!
How dare I want something that has been seen everywhere!
How dare I want someone to hold and to hold me!
How dare I want to have a place to call home!
How dare I just want peace.

I realize this year that kindness is linked to love and being loved.
I find myself consciously being aware of times when I am being nice.
Buying an extra soda for my mum when she broke her glasses,
telling my best friend I love her when things are bad.
I never knew how much I didn't care anymore until I cared.
It felt like an awakening, or rather a revelation from myself to myself.
It explained my lack of writing,
my lack of interest in anything that tries to stir up any emotions,
my complete disregard for the presence of any empathy and compassion that I sometimes feel.

To be honest, I don't care.
I don't care if the world is burning or if I am burning
I mean, in the grand spectrum of things,
everything is bullshit.
I am so angry that everything is bullshit.
I try so hard to find meaning or put meaning to things.
If everything is bullshit and everything means nothing,
I am that idiot that tries to ignore the big picture
because so what if she still remembers my birthday and I feel happy that she remembers.
So what if I traveled the world?
So what if I have not felt peace or sanity in a long time, what if that's the last time I felt like someone could love me?
or I have not had a hug, a long proper hug in a while?
So what if I wanted that?
What if I just want life to be good to be for a bit?
What if I just stop trying?
What if I died?

If everything is nothing,
I have wasted my time and I am tired.

Things that I know to be true:

1. I cannot play games from the first person's point of view for long periods of time because it gives me vertigo and makes me puke.
2. I write better when I am in pain.
3. I don't like being in pain.
4. I am good at putting abstract ideas and thoughts into visual metaphors.
5. I am a better version of myself when I am with someone.
6. My level of compassion is entirely proportional to my level of feeling loved.
7. It's been 10 years.
8. I am good with words when my emotions are not in the way.
9. The idea that my future has no boundaries and I can literally be anywhere now is terrifyingly overwhelming.
10. I am utterly obsessed with the possibility that I will end up in North America.
11. I have a love for cooking. It is one of the three things that gives me peace.
12. Do not run back to the ones who broke you. Don't even check up on them. Stop.
13. I embrace change now. I am that person that supports it and will go for it while whining how inconvenient it is.
14. I might be overcompensating for the belief that I will die alone with my career ambitions. If I'm gonna die alone, might as well be something for myself first.
15. I am terrified that I will really be alone for the rest of my life.
16. When the future terrifies me, the only solution that my brain can conjure up is to kill myself because by doing that, I avoided facing the future.

I miss being in love

The way hands slipped around waists,

Fingers intertwining,

Hands gently placed on thighs or lower backs,

Heads placed fittingly in shoulders, 

Absentminded stroking of the body with fingers,

Sure lips planted on foreheads, temples, necks, back of the hands,cheeks, lips,

Quiet but thumping heartbeats during naps,

The "I love you's", oh, the "I love you's".

I want it all,

I want it all back.

To be loved or not.

More often we forgot how it feels like to love ourselves alone without the constant reminder that we are loved from other people. I think we often choose to co-relate our worth to being loved by others. When we lose one part, we naturally lose the other. We are not nice enough to ourselves to believe that we are someone worth loving without someone loving us. I mean, what is an artist without his or her hands?

I think most of us are just trying to be loved in the end. Whether be it in terms of power or money or people or fame. I think most of us are trying to find that feeling that makes us whole and worthy of something. I believe it's just as simple as wanting to be loved.

25 things I learn/am reminded of in March of 2017

1. March is not a good month for me.
2. A black hole in your chest can still hurt even though it's empty.
3. Love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
4. The people you love will hurt you, especially when you don't expect them to.
5. The people that love us the most in the world, are the hardest for us to hear.
6. The lucky ones are the ones who are loved exactly the way they wanted.
7. I am allowed to still love you with so much and still walk away.
8. Under no circumstance should you ever lose your temper with the ones who love you.
9. Words of comfort from the ones who love you are never intended to harm you.
10. Always run to those who love you.
11. Your circumstances in life are not an excuse for your behavior.
12. Wisdom does not come with age.
13. Understanding comes with a level of respect.
14. It's okay to leave when people push you away.
15. Under no circumstance should you ever say something because it will help you in that moment and only in that moment.
16. Feeling hurt when paired together with acceptance of loss brings a comfortable amount of peace.
17. You are allowed to blame yourself for things. Just don't believe it.
18. Always communicate what you want and what you need from someone. Do that even when they are not listening, at least you can say you did your part.
19.The words "best friends" are cursed for me.
20. Life is too short for being "too little".
21. Love even when love has let you down because it is the people that you love that disappoints you, not love.
22. There is strength in continuing to love even when you are broken and gasping.
23. Not everyone wants your love, it's okay, you can give it to someone else who wants it.
24. It is okay to mourn for people who left. They were important.
25. Always fight for what and who you love. Don't let your regrets be losing them because you were too scared to fight. Fight.

On nights alone

It's been days since I was able to feel my world return to normal speed. My mind has been hazy from lack of sleep. My body finally aches for the comfort of my bed. Finally, sleep is for the weary. I am the weary. I am the weary of many days, many sleepless night. I get to sleep.

However, with the lack of sleep, comes the weakening of mental walls. My chest begins to ache for the warmth of being loved. I used to curl up with her. I would feel her head tucked safely on the nook of my chest as her arm wrapped around my waist. She always felt so small, even more so when we are like this: My hand tangled in the hair on back of her head. Lips on top of her forehead and my nose resting just on her frontal, inhaling her scent in her hair. My favorite was her hand gently stroking the small of my back and just us breathing, existing at the same time in that very moment.

Now, all I feel is the ghost of being loved. A ghost that continues to haunt me on nights when I can't defend myself. Sometimes, I felt her arms wrap around me as I slept. It was such a good dream. There was peace, peace that I have long forgotten and have not found since she left. I still remember the way her fingers interlaced with mine and the kisses she planted on my back. You don't just forget about the way you were loved, especially when it was physically here and alive and incredibly overwhelming. You don't just forget, you can't.

Now I ache to have warm arms around me, light kisses planted on my forehead and have my body relax into someone else's. I want my fingers interlocking with someone else's. I want their scent on my pillow, my shirts, me. I want to wake up in their arms, to them planting kisses on my collarbone, them tracing the bridge of my nose gently with the tip of their finger. I want to be able to sigh in relief, in peace, in joy, not in pain.

I just don't want to be alone right now but I don't really have a choice in that.

To 13 and a half year old Tryphena

To 13 and a half year old Tryphena

I wish I could give you a hug. I know this was the year you felt the loneliest. I know this was the year that that accidental cut on your arm lead you down the road of an addiction that you still have. If I rolled up my sleeves now, you'd think I'm the coolest still.

Things are different now, very different. You won't believe how much things are different when you compare it to a year ago. A year ago, I was crying my broken heart out over my first love. The year before that, I never knew what love was but I was the healthiest, mentally, around that time. Then, a little after that, I met her. And then, the year before that, I was trying to recover from another pain. You suffered for quite a while from aged 19-22.

The painful things have not happened to you yet. Somehow in another dimension, you were the one before the storm. I'd change a few things for you if I could meet you. You were just lonely. You needed someone, that's all. You turned out alive after 10 years of pain. There were a lot of good times too but I'd say it was hardly worth the pain. It's better than nothing.

At 14, you are so clueless about everything because you did not understand the world. You just found out about pop and rock music. You tried so hard to develop passion for music and other things. You'll discover something else later. You'll learn to love writing. Then, at 22, you'll dedicate a hand written book to her. Yes, her. You'll go through that stage a little later. You'll fall in love with the wrong person before you meet her. This wrong person will be the reason for your pain from 19 years old onwards. But you'll learn, oh, you'll learn. She will be your greatest lesson of all because this is when you will start letting people love you when you cannot love yourself. I wish you knew this because it would have helped you so much when you think about your goodbye letters.

At 15, you'll go through your first major heartbreak by your friend. You'll forgive her. She'll apologize but baby, you will hurt. I have no ways of making this any better. It will be your first experience with depression. I'm so sorry for becoming a shell of you. You will cry and then, stop crying for a very long time. You'll meet another girl who you'll be fond of. You will love her and try to help her.

Everything that happened till you're 17 is nothing game changing. You'll come in and out of our impending depression but you'll survive. You'll get your first boyfriend but he wasn't any important. You'll learn to be very wary of guys from then on. When you're 18, your best friend from high school will make you betrayed and this will make you change how you feel about her as a person. Everything with her will change from then onwards. None of it will change back.

However, you'll meet this girl in pre-U. She'll be the main point of your life. She'll teach you how to love yourself. She'll teach you how to wear make up and that it's not bad to want to look pretty. She'll be so important to you. She will teach you so much on how to be a girl. You will love her and accidentally fall in love with her. You then handed her on a silver platter to the guy that was undeserving of her. This is where you will deny what you felt and keep it buried for so long. I am so sorry but this will be the most painful period of your life. She will leave you. You won't blame her when you're me. I wasn't the best person to be around when I was friends with her. We both had faults. We don't talk now but she still hasn't deleted me off Facebook. I guess we were really friends last time. You will never stop loving her because you cared.

With that painful period, comes the time when you find out who is really there for you. You find these people unexpectedly. They will become so important to you. They will love you so much and in those times, you will learn to let them. You will learn that you deserved to be loved. Again, most importantly, baby girl, you will let them.

At 21, you will learn acceptance. You will learn to be okay with yourself. It will be one of the most important lessons you will teach yourself. You'll learn how to be okay with yourself, how to love yourself. You will be kind to yourself, be aware of you. You will grow. Oh, I am so proud of you even now. You will grow so strong. Baby, you will be so strong because you will need it later. I am so sorry.

You will meet her a few months before you turn 22. She will open up to you. She will care about you. You will smile while you're on the phone with her. You will have your life turned up side down and you'll be so happy. You'll be so happy for her. You'll find so many poems that I have written about her. You will fall in love with her and you will love her so much. She will be your first in so many things. She will make love songs make sense. She will make elopement seem like a good idea. You will love her and love her and love her even though many who love you will think she does not deserve it. You will love her regardless. The book will be for her. So much will be for her.

Last year was bad though. It was over between us. No, it wasn't our faults. Our parents will never agree to it so it done under a mutual understanding. I still think it was the worst way to end something. It's hard to move on like that but you will. I still miss her from day to day but the pain does go away. However, in our case, our normal pain from depression and loneliness just comes back and we go back to that pain instead. You will cry for her. You will cry rivers and rivers of tears. Your life will stop because you were in so much pain. Remember when I say that you need to be strong? This is the time when you need it. You will fight so much, so much to get her back. She'll go back on her promises and you'll be angry but you'll understand. You will love her. After all, you wrote a marriage proposal for her. She will never see it but it's alright. You love that much.

Things do turn out okay. You have a proper job now. You earn your own money and pay for everything on your own. Be proud of me. You will go through so much pain, so so much pain. I don't believe it's worth it. I won't lie to you about that. The pain is horrible but you are very strong. I know you don't have a choice but you will be okay. You will not hate yourself, you will be okay at gaining weight. You will have so many people who care about you. You will have so many of them. You will love them and they will love you back,

You will dye your hair. You will play Skyrim. You will travel to go visit your friends. You will miss your family. You will fight.

Please hold on. Please fight. Please be strong. I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much.

Love
23 and a half year old Tryphena

20 seconds of insane courage.

They say sometimes it takes only twenty seconds of insane courage to do something outrageous. It takes 10 seconds for you to change your life. You could turn your life around or make a step so big that it's a leap. You could save someone's life or take your own. In April, I gave you my heart. It took me one second to make that leap. It took me one second of insane courage and loss of all common sense to kiss you.

Questions that I want to ask you but never will.

There are so many questions that I want to ask when you told me you were meeting him.

Do you think of me when you hold his hand?
Is mine smaller than his?
Does he know or remember how your skin is smooth like marble,
as if the marble itself were hand picked by Gods himself.
Does his hand feel any different than mine?
Does his feel rough like all the work that he says he is supposedly doing
or is mine rougher from all walls that I had to climb through to get to you.
Does it feel like you're holding onto him or
does it feel like he doesn't want to let you go?
Does he look at your hands when you're holding his?
Does he hold onto your hands so tightly
that he feels like you might slip away and never come back?
Does he feel as lucky as I do when I am with you?

Then, I realize that you always hug him.
Does he smell of cologne?
Do you feel like your problems are fading away when you bury yourself in his arms?
Do you remember me?
Do you ever compare the way we held you?
Was I ever too tight? Or too eager? Were my shoulders broad enough for you?
Am I at the back of your head as he wraps his arms around you?
Does he ever realize when you are slipping away?
I remember, the way you turn your head sidewards
while you put your hands against my chest to pull away.
I remember how your eyes were dead.
I remember how you talked to everything around you but me,
and I had to play it off like I didn't mind.
Does he try to make any hug last longer? Does he try like I do?
Does he feel as happy when he is with you as I do?

And you cautiously told me that you kiss him.
Do you look at him the way you look at me?
Does he notice how your eyes can sparkle in low light?
Does he notice how you laugh when he pulls you in for another kiss?
Do you remember me when his lips grazed across yours?
Kissing you felt like kissing flower petals.
I wonder if you ever felt the exact way for him before you did for me.
Do you look at him the way you still looked at me?
Does it feel wrong to kiss two people the way that you do?

And when you told me, you still tell him that you love him..
Shit, that sucked.
It really did.
I felt that my chest was ripped open, my heart taken out,
only to have it shoved back in through my ribcage.
Do you tell him those three words before you go to sleep?
Does he say it back?
Do you mean it when you say it to him?
Do you think of me every time you say it to him?
You have deemed him worthy of those words.
Was I not enough to be more than a secret?
Do you think about the last time that you will say it to him?
What about me?
Have you ever meant it when you told me you love me?

Autumns and him.

I have never met you.
When I think of you,
I think of autumn,
breezy afternoons and chilly winds.

I was told that autumn can be quite cold
and somehow,
I can imagine us taking a walk in the park.
Hand in hand,
fingers interlocked.
I don't know how cold I'd be but
in this imagination of mine,
your hands were warm.

In my mind,
we were wearing scarfs of the same color.
In my mind,
 we are walking hand in hand in the same park.

Remembering when I was 22.

It scares me that I might not be able to remember what I am feeling now when I am 80. Right now, I am sitting listening to the cheesy songs about dancing under trees. Right now, I am undeniably in love. Right now, she is my everything and I would give up a lot if it meant that I could get a proper chance with her. Right now, I love her with everything that I have.

Enormous Idiot.

I am an enormous idiot. I knew I would love your hands as they trace my jawline, my lips and then, then the scars that cover so many areas of my body. I knew I would love your lips as they kissed bruised knuckles and tear stained faces with no judgement. I knew I would love those eyes as they look at me with such conviction to prove that I am worthy enough to be happy in this life. I knew I would fall in love with you.

So, if falling in love with you makes me an idiot, then I am an enormous idiot.

Christmas Tree.

When I first met her, she was pretty, like Christmas ornaments that you see in November. They make you gasp in adoration and you wonder if you ever need them for your tree. Then you just shrug it off because it’s November, it’s too soon for Christmas.

When I first talked to her, it was like realizing the exact amount of red and green your Christmas tree needs to have. It was exciting and for the first time in a long time, I found what I needed in her. Slowly, her smile, her laugh, and her voice – those became the fairy lights that are later hung on to the Christmas tree.

She was the perfect Christmas tree that I found in November.

How do you know you're in love.

How do you know you're in love with them (or anyone in general):
There they go. As flawless as they can be. Everything about them makes you smile like a kid at the carnival for the first time. You can't blame yourself because you're in love with them. How in the world did you end up here? You feel like everything in your life has happened and aligned so that you could be at this place to meet them. They were everything you wanted and needed. You are happy after a very long time.

When you hold their hand for the first time, their hands feel like the right temperature, the right size. Waves of excitement and joy rush over you and drags you under. Then, you found out that you can breathe underwater. What joy! This is the most amazing feeling ever. The first kiss. The first time you went on a date. The first phone call. The first sleepover. You will feel invincible, like nothing can kill you. You were on top of the world. It doesn't matter if someone came and knock you down. With them, you could just climb up again, no biggie.

Why do I want to live?

Every time I want to kill myself, I'd look for five reasons to not do it. I didn't want my reason to be friends, family and a bright future. I was stubborn. I wanted good reasons, reasons that will only impact my life to show that there is something to live for. For those who wonders, I try. Everything on my list is never repeated.

Once, the taste of a good juicy burger was among the five. Another time, being able to breathe in fresh air and taste the molecules at six in the morning was one. Some days I stop at three, after "I get to feel the texture of flower petals". There were not enough reasons left. Then, I let myself fall into the trap of a bad habit, which is a story for another day. Some days, I couldn't get past two. I didn't know if getting out of bed counted as one reason. I wanted to give up. I was tired.

Then, you turned up, all smiles and green contact lenses. Five months later, I asked myself, "why do I want to live?" One, you. You are everything. You are sunsets and sunrises, morning dew and night mists. You are the cold side of a pillow and a hot bowl of soup on a rainy day. You are the smell of grass after the rain and the song I sing in the shower. You are the heart that I draw on foggy windows and the red dragonfly I saw once outside a church. You are everything at once.

I still want to kill myself sometimes but since then, my list has never changed.

Cyan.

You were green.
I was blue.
I tried to be the color of your skies.
I painted landscapes with you.

You seeped through my veins,
and I now, a body of blue and cyan,
I changed and I didn't mind,
I thought you didn't mind too.

Eyelashes.

I have a problem these days. I realize I have a hard time writing. I used to be able to write about the difference between black and white, justifications on why I should eat more french fries. Now, when I write, I write about you.

My pen glides across the paper, trying commemorate everything that I could about you. For example, my favorite feature of yours is your eyebrows. I find them adorable. Whenever you look down, I like taking a peep at you because your eyelashes will be so obvious then. Unlike most, you don't need mascara to make them "stand". They do that on their own. I will be smiling to myself when you don't notice and you'll give me a "what" look.

Stars, parks and possibilities.

I want to watch the stars with you. I want to lie on top of a cheap blanket, in a park with you. We can complain about the amount of bugs that will be feasting on our very limited but tasty blood. We can also get annoyed at the possibly wet and prickly grass underneath the cheap blanket. Then, I know we'd probably agree unanimously that we'll never do that again.

However, in spite of how much we suffered, I think we'll keep going back to that spot to look at stars. We'll be smart. This time, the blankets will be around us. We'll probably be on a bench, with a blanket to keep us warm and protected, under a blanket of stars, The funny thing is that I'll probably be the one to plan this and it'll either be adorably romantic or horribly miscalculated.

Either way, I'll still want to watch the stars with you. If you'd let me, we could forget the stars for while.

To be wrong

I want to write about how you made the anxiety in my bones still. I want to write about the way the side of your eyes crinkle when you give me a mischievous smile. I want to climb on to the tallest mountains, just to scream "I love you" in to the clouds. I want to tell the world that loving someone can change so much of what you were so sure about.

Before I met you, I was so sure that the most annoying accent in the world is the mandarin accent when English is spoken. With that accent, came the complimentary broken English. I was so sure that I didn't like it. Of course, like I said, it was before I met you. Now your voice is my comfort. Your words became the Big Dipper that guides my way home when I get lost. I was so sure and then, I was wrong. And boy, I have never been this happy to be wrong.