I'm sorry I can't write you a love letter.
No, I don't mean "those" letters.
You know, the ones that involve words like,
You and I, forever, house, children, mortgages,
and occasionally, your parents suck.
Love letters, the type I meant were
the ones where you tell them about a place that you went to
because they love the color red.
Then, you'd tell them about the person that you met recently
and how this person's laugh is similar to theirs.
Letters where profanities and insults were the language of endearment,
and I think, it will probably end with,
"Dude, text me. Why are you writing?"
Letters like these are never long,
sometimes they are a beautifully sculpted essay, using words such as,
flamboyant, combust, dynamic, serendipity.
Sometimes they are a random string of words, like
pizza, hippopotamus, Herbie, smelly, you.
Another thing about these letters is that
it made sense either way because it was written to you,
only you,
with love.
I can't write love letters anymore.
The last person I wrote to stopped talking to me,
and now, I am writing this to you
after deleting 290 photos of me and her at 3 in the morning.
I am not a person who is good with speech, or affection
or love, or relationships.
The only thing that allows me to properly explain the things that I feel
is a pen and paper.
Therefore, love letters, they are a manifestation of everything that I am afraid to say and
even everything that I refuse to say.
When I write to you,
no other thoughts but you will occupy my mind.
You will be my sole muse, my inspiration until the very last word
which is where I sign "Love, Tryphena"
I would use words to paint you like a picture, in hopes that
you would understand how I see you as a human being.
I have a knack for seeing things about people that are not noticed by many,
I'll tell you how you always keep your arms close to your body,
like somehow, you are trying to make yourself smaller or to preserve body heat.
I'll tell you how you always smile differently in pictures, especially the ones taken with me.
I'll tell you that people love you and you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't.
I'll tell you how you always change the topic to something else when it's a question that you didn't want to answer.
Then, to make things worse,
I'll tell you how different I am when I am with you.
I'll give you examples, references, citations, everything to show
how your existence is so important to me.
I'll tell you that you're the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep.
I'll tell you that I am comfortable with you, even when we're both in decade-old PJs.
I'll tell you that I check your "last seen" on whatsapp when I couldn't sleep.
I'll tell you that I never stopped loving you.
If I write you a love letter,
I am giving you my heart, my self-esteem, my self-worth on a silver platter.
If I write you a love letter,
you are given the ability to crush me into a million pieces in the time span that ranges from one millisecond,
to three years,
or more, your choice.
If I write you a love letter,
I am exposing myself to you in a way
that I later will suffer maximum damage from
if you ever plan on killing me.
If I write you a love letter,
I won't be able to take any of it back if you chose to leave,
and I will be left here with all the words that I ever wrote to you,
stuck in the back of my throat.
In spite of this,
if I write you a love letter,
you should know that I must really really love you.
Showing posts with label Reasons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reasons. Show all posts
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Moments.
I crave the nights where it's just me and a bottle, or in some cases, bottles. I love how the bitterness of beer silenced the loud voices in my head, shocking me into the moment of then. I love how the cold surface of beer bottles cause water droplets to condense. My fingers will trace the patterns etched on the glass bottle and I will feel the temperature difference between the cold glass and the warm breeze. Sometimes I'd wipe the bottles dry, sometimes I'd just let them be. It'd be bottle after bottle after bottle, a private competition with myself. How many till my brain gives out?
I crave the nights where I am able to breathe out the pain along with cigarette smoke. There is something calming about having a cigarette between my left forefinger and middle finger. I'd be able to feel the heat emitting from the lit cigarette bud. I'd flick off the burnt ends of the bud, exposing the still-burning tobacco insides. I would just sit there and watch it burn sometimes. There is some comfort in the smell of cigarette smoke when I am down. Watching the cigarette turn into ash and watching the smoke disintegrating into the air instilled a kind of serenity in me. It's a familiar sense of pain and a comfortable kind of numbness.
I crave the nights where it's quiet. Quiet, in a sense where it's peaceful, silent, simply quiet. The only sounds in that moment are either cars speeding past or the wind. I'd usually be leaning on the wall or hunched down by the steps on the sidewalk. I'd do nothing else but breathe. It is only in times like these that I let my desperation to survive take over. I would inhale long drags of cigarettes, chug down half a bottle of beer to fill up the void that I feel somewhere to the left side of my chest. I would feel the complete weight of my depression. However, I know that I wouldn't want company. All I would want to do is to close my eyes and exhale.
In moments like these, I would feel completely and utterly alone. But then again, I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to feel like that.
I crave the nights where I am able to breathe out the pain along with cigarette smoke. There is something calming about having a cigarette between my left forefinger and middle finger. I'd be able to feel the heat emitting from the lit cigarette bud. I'd flick off the burnt ends of the bud, exposing the still-burning tobacco insides. I would just sit there and watch it burn sometimes. There is some comfort in the smell of cigarette smoke when I am down. Watching the cigarette turn into ash and watching the smoke disintegrating into the air instilled a kind of serenity in me. It's a familiar sense of pain and a comfortable kind of numbness.
I crave the nights where it's quiet. Quiet, in a sense where it's peaceful, silent, simply quiet. The only sounds in that moment are either cars speeding past or the wind. I'd usually be leaning on the wall or hunched down by the steps on the sidewalk. I'd do nothing else but breathe. It is only in times like these that I let my desperation to survive take over. I would inhale long drags of cigarettes, chug down half a bottle of beer to fill up the void that I feel somewhere to the left side of my chest. I would feel the complete weight of my depression. However, I know that I wouldn't want company. All I would want to do is to close my eyes and exhale.
In moments like these, I would feel completely and utterly alone. But then again, I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to feel like that.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Day 15 of 30 challenge: What’s something you wish you could say to that someone?
Depending on what and who someone. I have so many things that I would like to say to a lot of people but there's always one. She caused me so much pain. Too much and I practically died from it. I'm a very very different person now. No, I don't need people telling me, I feel it, which is sad.
Dear you,
You fucked me up. Do you know that you completely fucked me up? All you said, this entire time, was "get over it", "try harder" and "what do you want me to do?" What do I want you to do? Tell me we are still friends. Tell me that you still need me in your life even though we don't hang out anymore. Tell me that you don't want to see me anymore. Tell me I am dead to you and you were using me all along. Fucker, do something about it. I did everything I could and it's up to you. You fucker, what do I want you to do? I want you to fucking suffer as I watch on.
I can't look through my phone's photo album because you are in 60% of all the photos. I can't listen to songs because there are so many songs that are associated with you. I remember the movies that you liked and realized even though I also liked them, I can never see them as MY movies because YOU liked them. My favorite songs are desecrated by the memories of you. Fuck you.
I can list out all the random things about you. I don't know how much about you has changed but I don't think I care now. You have been the biggest mistake that I have ever made. You were the one that made me hit rock bottom by just telling me to do so. The worst thing is that I'd do it because you said so, just like how a siren makes a sailor meet his death. You were a fucked person from the beginning. I should have seen that. I know that I refused to because I honestly loved you.
I remember the day that you didn't come to school because you got your stomach pumped. I remember the day where you fainted outside the classroom. I remember the morning you called when you got into an accident. I remember the night that you called when you were in Spain. I remember the day when you surprised me with you already back from Spain. I remember travelling to the Philippines with you. I remember tucking you into bed when you were so drunk. I remember acting as a look out whenever you wanted to smoke at home. I remember waking up at 1am to drive you to get your car which died earlier that day on a hill. I remember wrapping my arms around you while you cried and feeling completely helpless. I remember crying, telling you that I couldn't stop bleeding and all you could do is scream at me. I remember crying again, telling you how I feel and you frowning, telling me to try harder. I remember sitting in front of you, begging you to see that I am trying my best and you just coldly telling me to try harder again. You're a fucker.
You are a bitch, a fucked up asshole that threw me aside but kept me close enough so that it's be easier for you when you needed me. Now that you have a new group of friends, you completely ignored me. I never received any phone calls or messages from you anymore. Everything you said about loving me and me being someone that you trusted was a lie. If I was so important to you, why was it so easy to kick me out of your life? It's like you never existed now.
I don't remember what your laugh sounds like. I forgot what you sound like when you're happy. I forgot what your different smiles mean, or maybe all of them are just different depths of lies. I don't remember how you'd react when you're stressed. I don't remember if you like sushi or not. I don't remember your shoe size or the prescription of your eyesight. I don't remember what you look like when you're happy. I don't remember if you hated spinach or not. I don't remember the kind of pen that you use or your Starbucks order or your favorite book or if you ever loved me.
You broke me. Do you understand that, you broke me? Just like he broke you back in July 2011. The only difference is that I was holding you in your car while you were crying during a thunderstorm. I'm here now, feeling every ounce of this pain but I'm alone. I gave you everything, my time, my energy, my whole being. You said, "Not everyone will screw you over. I won't." Fuck you, I still remember that. It was in your study room. You were wearing that grey jumper from Philippines with your hair in a bun. You looked me in the eye when you said that. I honestly believed you then. Oh god, I really loved you.
You were the last person that I would ever hurt. Clearly, it's not the same with you. Do you even understand the thing with me now? I cannot feel anything more than a glimpse of pain. I cannot cry, nothing. When I was writing the paragraph above, I was so so close to tears and then, poof, gone. It's like my mind blocked it completely. It is a good thing for me though sometimes because I'd imagine beating you up and I'd just hit you over and over and over and over again. It doesn't even bother me that I might kill you. Or I'd just bludgeon him and make you watch.
I have no mercy for you now. I won't mind doing something that will cause you pain. I'd make sure to be a witness to it. Just like Regina from Once Upon A Time, your suffering will be my happy ending. I don't understand what you did, I don't think I'll ever understand it. You're a fucker. You're a fucked up person. I pity everyone who loves you because you'd just throw them away just like you did with everyone else. I know so much about you, and now I see it. You have no one close because you throw all of them away when they served their purpose.
Fuck you, F. I really loved you but now, fuck you. You'd never understand and I don't expect you to anymore.
Dear you,
You fucked me up. Do you know that you completely fucked me up? All you said, this entire time, was "get over it", "try harder" and "what do you want me to do?" What do I want you to do? Tell me we are still friends. Tell me that you still need me in your life even though we don't hang out anymore. Tell me that you don't want to see me anymore. Tell me I am dead to you and you were using me all along. Fucker, do something about it. I did everything I could and it's up to you. You fucker, what do I want you to do? I want you to fucking suffer as I watch on.
I can't look through my phone's photo album because you are in 60% of all the photos. I can't listen to songs because there are so many songs that are associated with you. I remember the movies that you liked and realized even though I also liked them, I can never see them as MY movies because YOU liked them. My favorite songs are desecrated by the memories of you. Fuck you.
I can list out all the random things about you. I don't know how much about you has changed but I don't think I care now. You have been the biggest mistake that I have ever made. You were the one that made me hit rock bottom by just telling me to do so. The worst thing is that I'd do it because you said so, just like how a siren makes a sailor meet his death. You were a fucked person from the beginning. I should have seen that. I know that I refused to because I honestly loved you.
I remember the day that you didn't come to school because you got your stomach pumped. I remember the day where you fainted outside the classroom. I remember the morning you called when you got into an accident. I remember the night that you called when you were in Spain. I remember the day when you surprised me with you already back from Spain. I remember travelling to the Philippines with you. I remember tucking you into bed when you were so drunk. I remember acting as a look out whenever you wanted to smoke at home. I remember waking up at 1am to drive you to get your car which died earlier that day on a hill. I remember wrapping my arms around you while you cried and feeling completely helpless. I remember crying, telling you that I couldn't stop bleeding and all you could do is scream at me. I remember crying again, telling you how I feel and you frowning, telling me to try harder. I remember sitting in front of you, begging you to see that I am trying my best and you just coldly telling me to try harder again. You're a fucker.
You are a bitch, a fucked up asshole that threw me aside but kept me close enough so that it's be easier for you when you needed me. Now that you have a new group of friends, you completely ignored me. I never received any phone calls or messages from you anymore. Everything you said about loving me and me being someone that you trusted was a lie. If I was so important to you, why was it so easy to kick me out of your life? It's like you never existed now.
I don't remember what your laugh sounds like. I forgot what you sound like when you're happy. I forgot what your different smiles mean, or maybe all of them are just different depths of lies. I don't remember how you'd react when you're stressed. I don't remember if you like sushi or not. I don't remember your shoe size or the prescription of your eyesight. I don't remember what you look like when you're happy. I don't remember if you hated spinach or not. I don't remember the kind of pen that you use or your Starbucks order or your favorite book or if you ever loved me.
You broke me. Do you understand that, you broke me? Just like he broke you back in July 2011. The only difference is that I was holding you in your car while you were crying during a thunderstorm. I'm here now, feeling every ounce of this pain but I'm alone. I gave you everything, my time, my energy, my whole being. You said, "Not everyone will screw you over. I won't." Fuck you, I still remember that. It was in your study room. You were wearing that grey jumper from Philippines with your hair in a bun. You looked me in the eye when you said that. I honestly believed you then. Oh god, I really loved you.
You were the last person that I would ever hurt. Clearly, it's not the same with you. Do you even understand the thing with me now? I cannot feel anything more than a glimpse of pain. I cannot cry, nothing. When I was writing the paragraph above, I was so so close to tears and then, poof, gone. It's like my mind blocked it completely. It is a good thing for me though sometimes because I'd imagine beating you up and I'd just hit you over and over and over and over again. It doesn't even bother me that I might kill you. Or I'd just bludgeon him and make you watch.
I have no mercy for you now. I won't mind doing something that will cause you pain. I'd make sure to be a witness to it. Just like Regina from Once Upon A Time, your suffering will be my happy ending. I don't understand what you did, I don't think I'll ever understand it. You're a fucker. You're a fucked up person. I pity everyone who loves you because you'd just throw them away just like you did with everyone else. I know so much about you, and now I see it. You have no one close because you throw all of them away when they served their purpose.
Fuck you, F. I really loved you but now, fuck you. You'd never understand and I don't expect you to anymore.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Day 12 of 30 challenge: What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
Obviously from the last post, you'd know that when I love, I really love. My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that when they leave me, I wouldn't be able to put myself back together.
It happened to me though. No, it's not a relationship, I didn't date that person but we had a real relationship, as in connection. That person was the first person that I really truly loved and that person was one of the most important person of my life. it happened to me because I didn't think that they would leave.
I trusted that person, I love that person. When they left, I felt like I was dropped on my butt. I thought that I had felt the worst of pains when something similar happened to me when I was 15 but I was wrong. I was devastated. I was at a sense of loss that I didn't understand, I felt like a compass that forgot where North is. I was completely useless to everyone because all I wanted to do was to go back to that person, or at least to that person I once knew.
There were days where I couldn't breathe, as if holding my breath was easier because every breath was just as painful as a stab to the chest. Actually, I would take that stab to the chest, thank you very much. Everyday felt like I was drowning but I couldn't die. I was in so much pain that I didn't know how to function without wanting to scream every single time I took a step. then, this numbness took over and I thought numbness was suppose to make you numb. No, it burned and the pain intensified, screaming just does nothing to help. I don't understand how I could still be alive right now.
I still feel it everyday. Every god damn day. You don't just get over this kind of pain, you feel it everyday, the after effects, everything. It doesn't leave you. The pain and burning and panic comes once in a while, and when I see that person, everything that I felt would come back, it'd be like it never left. I paid so dearly with that one time when I let my guard, my whole guard down. I was destroyed and I couldn't pick myself up after.
That person tells me to open up because I needed to and they were the last person that I opened up to. Fuck you, letting you in was the biggest mistake of my life. You destroyed me, completely utterly destroyed me. You left me there in pieces and you expect me to be okay just because you said I would be? You gave me pain, pain that I didn't understand and I didn't know human beings are supposed to feel this kind of pain. Congratulations, you have rendered me completely useless and broken me beyond repair, my repair.
Are you proud of yourself? Will this be added to your lists of accomplishments? Will you do this to other people too? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I STILL LOVE YOU. I still want you to be happy, I want you to smile, I still want the best for you.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I STILL LOVE YOU. God, help me, I still love you so much and I don't know what to do.
It happened to me though. No, it's not a relationship, I didn't date that person but we had a real relationship, as in connection. That person was the first person that I really truly loved and that person was one of the most important person of my life. it happened to me because I didn't think that they would leave.
I trusted that person, I love that person. When they left, I felt like I was dropped on my butt. I thought that I had felt the worst of pains when something similar happened to me when I was 15 but I was wrong. I was devastated. I was at a sense of loss that I didn't understand, I felt like a compass that forgot where North is. I was completely useless to everyone because all I wanted to do was to go back to that person, or at least to that person I once knew.
There were days where I couldn't breathe, as if holding my breath was easier because every breath was just as painful as a stab to the chest. Actually, I would take that stab to the chest, thank you very much. Everyday felt like I was drowning but I couldn't die. I was in so much pain that I didn't know how to function without wanting to scream every single time I took a step. then, this numbness took over and I thought numbness was suppose to make you numb. No, it burned and the pain intensified, screaming just does nothing to help. I don't understand how I could still be alive right now.
I still feel it everyday. Every god damn day. You don't just get over this kind of pain, you feel it everyday, the after effects, everything. It doesn't leave you. The pain and burning and panic comes once in a while, and when I see that person, everything that I felt would come back, it'd be like it never left. I paid so dearly with that one time when I let my guard, my whole guard down. I was destroyed and I couldn't pick myself up after.
That person tells me to open up because I needed to and they were the last person that I opened up to. Fuck you, letting you in was the biggest mistake of my life. You destroyed me, completely utterly destroyed me. You left me there in pieces and you expect me to be okay just because you said I would be? You gave me pain, pain that I didn't understand and I didn't know human beings are supposed to feel this kind of pain. Congratulations, you have rendered me completely useless and broken me beyond repair, my repair.
Are you proud of yourself? Will this be added to your lists of accomplishments? Will you do this to other people too? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I STILL LOVE YOU. I still want you to be happy, I want you to smile, I still want the best for you.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I STILL LOVE YOU. God, help me, I still love you so much and I don't know what to do.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Day 4 of 30 challenge: What is true love?
True love. It is very subjective for everyone. This is my version.
True, to me, is genuine and real. Love, well, it's complicated but yeah..
Love is when you know that they will mess up and you will be mad but you will get over it. It is knowing what they like to eat and knowing what they look like when they eat. It is telling them to pick their clothes off the floor over and over again, knowing that they won’t and you still do it everyday. It is being able to shout their name from the living room to the bedroom to get something for you. It is texting “I am home” when you get home at 2am. It is not wanting someone to go through something horrible alone. It is never wanting anything to hurt someone even though you know it is not the reality but still wishing for it. It is being mad at someone but not mad enough to want them to go away forever. It is wanting to show them off to the world even though they are only valuable to you. It is kissing them when they are sick. It is trying your best to make a personal present everytime it’s their birthday. It is insulting each other but never taking to heart. It is when you know you’re coming back after a goodbye.
Love is pictures on the wall and late night poems, your last 8 bucks spent on a ride to go to them. It is waiting at transits while the other prays that the plane is not hijacked. Love is staying at the door to wave goodbye and running in full speed with the doorbell rings. It is shouting at 1am because of mortgages and still waking up next to the other the next morning. Love is staying even though all you want to do is run. It is raised voices and hushed but sincere apologies. Love is making someone climb mountains so that you can show them what you find magical. It is laughing at them when they fall down while helping them up. Love is everything that the other sees about you and tries to tell you how fascinating you are. It is them loving all the parts that you hate about yourself and them kissing the scars that you left.
True, to me, is genuine and real. Love, well, it's complicated but yeah..
Love is when you know that they will mess up and you will be mad but you will get over it. It is knowing what they like to eat and knowing what they look like when they eat. It is telling them to pick their clothes off the floor over and over again, knowing that they won’t and you still do it everyday. It is being able to shout their name from the living room to the bedroom to get something for you. It is texting “I am home” when you get home at 2am. It is not wanting someone to go through something horrible alone. It is never wanting anything to hurt someone even though you know it is not the reality but still wishing for it. It is being mad at someone but not mad enough to want them to go away forever. It is wanting to show them off to the world even though they are only valuable to you. It is kissing them when they are sick. It is trying your best to make a personal present everytime it’s their birthday. It is insulting each other but never taking to heart. It is when you know you’re coming back after a goodbye.
Love is pictures on the wall and late night poems, your last 8 bucks spent on a ride to go to them. It is waiting at transits while the other prays that the plane is not hijacked. Love is staying at the door to wave goodbye and running in full speed with the doorbell rings. It is shouting at 1am because of mortgages and still waking up next to the other the next morning. Love is staying even though all you want to do is run. It is raised voices and hushed but sincere apologies. Love is making someone climb mountains so that you can show them what you find magical. It is laughing at them when they fall down while helping them up. Love is everything that the other sees about you and tries to tell you how fascinating you are. It is them loving all the parts that you hate about yourself and them kissing the scars that you left.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Reasons for not completely the 30 day challenge
1. I have no time.
2. I really don't know how to get into the topic of "true love". It's too long and emotionally draining for me because it would need me to pour my thoughts out and these thought are the ones that I keep hidden from the world and myself so to dig it out, I would need the right time for myself to get into it.
Yeah, that's about it. And the days after that has like the similar kind of sentiment to it so yeah, I'm not ready for that but I will do it, eventually. Just not now.
2. I really don't know how to get into the topic of "true love". It's too long and emotionally draining for me because it would need me to pour my thoughts out and these thought are the ones that I keep hidden from the world and myself so to dig it out, I would need the right time for myself to get into it.
Yeah, that's about it. And the days after that has like the similar kind of sentiment to it so yeah, I'm not ready for that but I will do it, eventually. Just not now.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Challenge Day 6: Write Poetry: with “I remember sentences
Well, this Sarah Kay challenge is suppose to be an 8-day thing and I managed to make it a two-months thing. This is my first post in 2014 and not to be cliche. 2014 feels different, like there is hope..? I don't know, I just feel different by the near end of 2013 and in 2014, I feel like I can be on top of the world. It's almost like I have a choice to be invincible. It's an unbelievable feeling.
ANYWAYS,
Being away from home was the biggest challenge for me in 2013 and it was the biggest change of my life. it was my first time, dealing with something that is so drastic. I still feel homesick but the first time of this, it was terrifying. Going home has never felt so good in my life.
here is the poem.
I remember how it felt
to pack up my books, my clothes,
pieces of myself,
my whole bedroom,
my existence into boxes,
luggage, which will be shipped off
to where I will spend the next three years of my life
trying to make something out of myself.
I remember how I felt
when I starting unpacking in my dorm room.
I remember not being able
to fully understand where I was,
why I was doing and when I am going back.
I remember my dorm room, first, smelt of
a mixture of mothballs and perfume.
I remember how hard it was for me
to open the zipper of my luggage.
I remember sobbing,
I remember hyperventilating.
I remember mourning.
I remember hysterical crying, while calling my mum,
begging to come home.
I remember the city being a horrible and big place.
I remember that I was convinced that I will forever,
forever be lost.
I remember meeting new people, they were nice.
I remember how much people here have weird slangs, and again,
convinced that I will never like it.
I remember liking these new people and hating them at the same time.
I remember being jealous that they get to be at home, while it takes me
three hours to fly back home.
I remember crying after I said goodbye to my dad when he came to visit.
I remember always dreaming of home every day, every night.
Then,
I remember things getting better, it was easier to breathe.
I remember my best friend coming over, the city didn't seem so scary.
I remember trying to be okay, I miss home
I remember that I am here to make something out of myself, away from my comfort zone.
I remember that it was never meant to be easy, and I was doing okay.
I remember the first time I was able to fly back.
I remember how it felt to fly back.
I remember how it felt when I landed, smells like home.
I remember being home.
I remember being home.
ANYWAYS,
Being away from home was the biggest challenge for me in 2013 and it was the biggest change of my life. it was my first time, dealing with something that is so drastic. I still feel homesick but the first time of this, it was terrifying. Going home has never felt so good in my life.
here is the poem.
I remember how it felt
to pack up my books, my clothes,
pieces of myself,
my whole bedroom,
my existence into boxes,
luggage, which will be shipped off
to where I will spend the next three years of my life
trying to make something out of myself.
I remember how I felt
when I starting unpacking in my dorm room.
I remember not being able
to fully understand where I was,
why I was doing and when I am going back.
I remember my dorm room, first, smelt of
a mixture of mothballs and perfume.
I remember how hard it was for me
to open the zipper of my luggage.
I remember sobbing,
I remember hyperventilating.
I remember mourning.
I remember hysterical crying, while calling my mum,
begging to come home.
I remember the city being a horrible and big place.
I remember that I was convinced that I will forever,
forever be lost.
I remember meeting new people, they were nice.
I remember how much people here have weird slangs, and again,
convinced that I will never like it.
I remember liking these new people and hating them at the same time.
I remember being jealous that they get to be at home, while it takes me
three hours to fly back home.
I remember crying after I said goodbye to my dad when he came to visit.
I remember always dreaming of home every day, every night.
Then,
I remember things getting better, it was easier to breathe.
I remember my best friend coming over, the city didn't seem so scary.
I remember trying to be okay, I miss home
I remember that I am here to make something out of myself, away from my comfort zone.
I remember that it was never meant to be easy, and I was doing okay.
I remember the first time I was able to fly back.
I remember how it felt to fly back.
I remember how it felt when I landed, smells like home.
I remember being home.
I remember being home.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
30 day challenge
Obviously, I love challenges. So, I will finish this until I don't feel like typing. I won't follow the days though or I'll be lazy.
Day 1: What do you regret the most?
Day 2: Who/what can’t you live without? Explain.
Day 3: If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?
Day 4: What is true love?
Day 5: What’s the point of life? Define a great life.
Day 6: What is your phobia/fear?
Day 7: What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?
Day 8: Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?
Day 9: What do you like the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)
Day 10: What do you dislike the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)
Day 11: Are you a lover or a fighter?
Day 12: What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
Day 13: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change and why?
Day 14: What are features you get complimented on a lot?
Day 15: What’s something you wish you could say to that someone?
Day 16: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Day 17: Choose: trust or love
Day 18: What’s your passion?
Day 19: Write a letter to yourself stating all the things you love about yourself.
Day 20: Does love = sex?
Day 21: Your best friend just died. What’s your reaction?
Day 22: Whom do you admire the most?
Day 23: What is your goal in life?
Day 24: What gives you sincere happiness?
Day 25: What are the 10 most significant events in your life?
Day 26: When were the happiest days in your life?
Day 27: What is the one problem, challenge, or issue your were born to address?
Day 28: If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?
Day 29: If you died tomorrow, would you want anyone to know something?
Day 30: Who are you?
Challenge Day 4: Make a List of things you no longer believe
I no longer believe in a lot of things.. I shall make it short and TRY not to elaborate.
1. Good things comes to those who wait.
2. Dentist who say "it won't hurt".
3. "your food will be here in 15 minutes"
4. "Dinner is ready".
5. Time heals all wounds.
6. God will help if you just pray. I have to explain this, God wants you to pray AND work for it. It's in the bible. Look it up.
7. "I'll always be here for you".
8. Being hardworking will get you to places.
9. "I love you".
10. "I'm sorry, I didn't see your message/get your call".
11. Toilet doors that say "occupied".
12. Words don't hurt you. YES, MOTHERFUCKER. YES, THEY DO!
13. "I'm sorry, I'm busy".
14. Fairy tales
15. Love will bring out the best in you. They forgot to mention that it makes you do crazy things too.
16. Love will conquer everything. Sure, bills get paid because you looooooove each other. Sure.
17. "Everything will be okay."
18. I will be okay.
19. "I need you in my life."
20. "I love you."
1. Good things comes to those who wait.
2. Dentist who say "it won't hurt".
3. "your food will be here in 15 minutes"
4. "Dinner is ready".
5. Time heals all wounds.
6. God will help if you just pray. I have to explain this, God wants you to pray AND work for it. It's in the bible. Look it up.
7. "I'll always be here for you".
8. Being hardworking will get you to places.
9. "I love you".
10. "I'm sorry, I didn't see your message/get your call".
11. Toilet doors that say "occupied".
12. Words don't hurt you. YES, MOTHERFUCKER. YES, THEY DO!
13. "I'm sorry, I'm busy".
14. Fairy tales
15. Love will bring out the best in you. They forgot to mention that it makes you do crazy things too.
16. Love will conquer everything. Sure, bills get paid because you looooooove each other. Sure.
17. "Everything will be okay."
18. I will be okay.
19. "I need you in my life."
20. "I love you."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Love, unconditional.
There are all sorts of love in this world. The one that I'll focus on now is the unconditional kind, the kind that will always make you care no matter what. It's the kind that you know will never change, just the way you show it.
It is mature but knowing when to laugh at the childish stuff. It is protective but trusting them enough to let them venture out. It is not forceful but you know when to talk senses into them when they make a decision. It is observant but you step in when you need to. It is just loving the person no matter what happens between you two. It is wanting the best for each other, always being there no matter what and just trusting that they won't ever leave you. The most important thing is that they are happy, no matter what. It is a big bet and a big risk, it will hurt at some point but it takes a few cracks while using time as a catalyst to make it stronger.
You can't learn how to love people unconditionally. There is no complete checklists. There are certain traits to it but things and circumstances change so it's not absolute but I assure you that you WILL know when you love someone unconditionally because you feel it.
\
I saw you laughing with them. You were so happy. My eyes lingered on you, I know I will pay for it later which is what I am currently doing. You looked beautiful, big smiles and all. It was a nice scene to witness. I gave myself a small smile. Yep, definitely feel it coming. It was worth it, I guess.
And I looked away.
It is mature but knowing when to laugh at the childish stuff. It is protective but trusting them enough to let them venture out. It is not forceful but you know when to talk senses into them when they make a decision. It is observant but you step in when you need to. It is just loving the person no matter what happens between you two. It is wanting the best for each other, always being there no matter what and just trusting that they won't ever leave you. The most important thing is that they are happy, no matter what. It is a big bet and a big risk, it will hurt at some point but it takes a few cracks while using time as a catalyst to make it stronger.
You can't learn how to love people unconditionally. There is no complete checklists. There are certain traits to it but things and circumstances change so it's not absolute but I assure you that you WILL know when you love someone unconditionally because you feel it.
\
I saw you laughing with them. You were so happy. My eyes lingered on you, I know I will pay for it later which is what I am currently doing. You looked beautiful, big smiles and all. It was a nice scene to witness. I gave myself a small smile. Yep, definitely feel it coming. It was worth it, I guess.
And I looked away.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
tumblr musings #8
I guess I’m pretty much of a lone wolf. I don’t say I don’t like people at all, but, to tell you the truth, I only like it then if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Random quiz, my favorite :) Ignore the numbers, I copied it from tumblr.
Personal
1-How are you?
I am very good
2-Post a picture of yourself.
3-Do you ever wish you were someone else?
When I was younger, yes but now, no.
4-What is your entire name?
Tryphena Chin Xiao Huey
5-How old are you?
20
6-Age you get mistaken for:
Never really mistaken, I look like my age
7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:
Taurus is my original one, I am like Taurus
8-What did you do on your last birthday?
I went rock climbing
9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?
Lose like 10-20 pounds
10-What is your hair color?
At the moment dark brown with maroon highlights
11-Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yup, that's why I have maroon highlights
12-What is your eye color?
Close to black but not black
13-If you could change your eye color, would you?
Greyish-green
14-Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Yes to both
18-Do you have any tattoos?
Nope
19-Do you have any piercings?
Yeah, but they closed up
20-Left or right handed?
Right
21-What’s your sexual orientation?
Don't really believe in labels
22-Do you drink?
Yeah, socially
23-Do you smoke?
Yeah, socially
24-Do you have any pets?
My baby, Chowder. He's a dog :)
25-Where do you work?
At a grocery store at where I live
26-Something you are working on right now:
Yeah, me
27-Do you have any “rules” about food?
If you like it, eat.
28-Where are you from?
Sabah yo!
29-What would you say is your best quality?
I am loyal
30-What do you think you’re really good at?
Talking and eating
31-What do you think you’re really bad at?
Planting and whistling
33-Are you a bad person?
I would like to think that I am sometimes
34-Are you nice to everyone?
Usually
36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
yep!
37-What is your ideal bed? Why?
Something bigger than a single bed with a lot of fluffy pillows and nice soft blankets. Then I can make a fort
38-Did you wake up cranky?
Not all the time, depends on the day
39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
Yes, Wobbly!
40-What do you think about the most?
When do I get to eat? What to eat?
42-What you want to be when you “get older”?
TV Host, interviewer, somewhere along that lines
43-What are your career goals?
I just want do to what I like
44-What is your ideal career?
Ellen Degeneres' job and Oprah (but she finished her show)
45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Nope, I was happier but then again, I don't regret where I am now
46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
All the time
47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
nay
48-Say 10 facts about your room:
I have quotes and lyrics painted on my walls. I have a double decker. My little brother stays in my room while I'm away. I have wooden looking floors. I have tiled floors on the other side of my room. It's air-conditioned. It really should have a fan in it. I love my room, it's my refuge. I have guitars in my room. I also have my first radio that I bought with my own money back when I was 12.
49-Do you have any phobias?
heights and snakes
50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
Yeah, I am currently seeing one
51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
Nay
52-Ever broken any bones?
Nope
53-Ever come close to death?
Nope
60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this?
Yes and I found it so I dont have to answer that LOL
61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
yes
62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
grounded
63-A quote you try to live by:
People love differently, just because they don't love you the same way that you love, doesn't mean that they don't love you.
64-A famous person you’ve been compared to:
None, actually. I would be like Jennifer Lawrence maybe
65-Weird things you do when you’re alone:
I don't talk and when I do, I scare myself
66-Something you do without realising:
I run my fingers through my hair so much that I think I'm going to go bald from it
68-Someone you’d like to be for a day and why:
My best friend, I need answers.
69-Leave me a compliment:
Hi, you're beautiful today!
Favorites
70-What is your favorite thing to do?
Eat, chill with people, film stuff
71-What’s your favorite color?
Forever and always, blue
73-What’s your favorite movie?
Perks of being a wallflower and Alice in Wonderland
74-What are your favorite books?
Harry Potter series, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Diary of Anne Frank
75-What is your favorite quote and why?
We accept the love we think we deserve, because of experience
76-What is your favorite word?
lovely
77-What is your least favorite word?
fine
78-What is your favorite type of food?
I eat almost everything but I love chicken enough to say that it stands out
79-You favorite ice cream?
Vanilla
80-What’s your favorite animal?
Dogs, foxes
81-Dogs or cats?
Dogs
82-Describe your favorite texture:
That texture that be felt on very smooth skin, like it's very smooth but you know that there's really fine hair there
83-What is your favorite flower?
Don't like flowers so it doesn't matter
84-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?
That shampoo smell, not a perfume or cologne type. Doesn't matter
85-What is your favorite season?
I have only experienced summer but I'll say summer
86-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
New York, Los Angeles, Barcelona, Sydney and Rome
87-What are four things you can’t live without and why?
Food, because I will die.. and I love it too much to ever give it up.
My laptop, there's so much you cannot do without one
Books, I love to read
Pen, there's that satisfying feeling or writing something down
88-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why?
Not into mythological creatures..
89-What’s your favorite television show?
Glee
90-Favorite place to shop at?
Don't have a preferred place. I am of limited wealth and my body type doesn't help
91-Say 2 facts about your favorite things:
My guitar reminds me that music isn't only about singing. A pen reminds me that I am in control of words and where it goes.
Friends
106-Would you ever smile at a stranger?
yes, I have done it a lot of times
107-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
No preferences but it would be nice to have a balance
108-Who is someone you never tire of?
Francine, so far she's the only one
109-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Francine, Ling Jin and Harman. Funny how some names just appear and some just stay on
110-Who is your most loyal friend?
Ling Jin
111-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Yes
112-If your best friend died, what would you do?
I wouldn't want to imagine, I would die too
113-Something you’ve lied about.
A lot of things
114-Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes
115-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):
She loves purples. She loves raves but she likes to read. She's like Belle with a strong sense of real adventure. She loves cats and she's like one too. I think I am losing her, I think it's just me but it seems like she doesn't need me anymore.
Relationships
116-The last person you hugged?
Liyana
117-Story of your first kiss?
LOL, it scared me and I didn't expect it
118-Do you like kissing in public?
I don't mind
119-Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
LOL yes
120-You have a preference for boys or girls?
They are both fine but girls smell so much better
121-Is the male or female body closest to perfection?
Female for sho!
127-What is the first thing you noticed in someone?
Their smile
128-Are looks important in a relationship?
To me, they are not
129-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Straight teeth
130-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I prefer someone older but not more than 3 years
131-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
Yeah
133-Do you have a crush on anyone?
Yes
134-A description of the girl/boy you like:
He's a gentleman, he is intelligent, he is literally everything I want in a guy
135-Say 1 fact about the person you like:
Gentleman
136-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
You like her right? Go after her
137-When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
I said that a lot of times but to mean it when I say it, it's quite some time ago
138-Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I don't know
139-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
My little brother maybe
140-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Yes
141-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yes, still a painful memory
142-Anyone you’re giving up on?
Yep, gave up already
143-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yeahh
144-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
HAHAHAHAH everyone had something against my first boyfriend
145-Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
My first boyfriend was one
146-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
yes but I didn't know if they meant it
147-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
yes
148-Is there someone you will never forget?
yes
153-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
They sent me a card for my birthday and I didn't expect them to remember
154-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
He bought me jellybeans which I haven't eaten, gave me sweets and a plush koala bear
157-Are you in love?
I wouldn't say that I am
158-Are you in a relationship?
Nope
159-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
skip
160-Are relationships ever worth it?
depends, for me, it depends
161-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
I don't know
162-Can you commit to one person?
yes, it's my best quality
163-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
HAHAHAHA yes
164-Do you ever want to get married?
yes
165-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
Don't know
167-Do you get jealous easily?
Not sure
168-The last time you felt jealous, and why?
because I used to be important
169-What is your definition of cheating?
When you have to delete messages to avoid your SO from seeing them, you're on the way there
170-Have you ever been cheated on?
no
171-Do you forgive betrayal?
Not usually
172-Have you ever cheated on someone?
Nay
173-Why did your last relationship fail?
because of trust issues and I was young and foolish
174-Things you want to say to an ex:
We clarified a lot of things when we last talked.
175-A description of the person you dislike the most:
I don't particularly dislike anyone
176-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
If I still love them, yes
177-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
I have had two boyfriend before
178-How long was your longest relationship?
5 years on and off
179-You’ll love me if…
I change..?
180-Share a relationship story:
My first boyfriend used to cook for me. He was my best friend. He made me laugh, made me smile. he wasn't the best but he was good enough for me. When it ended, I was so angry at him for so many things. When I talked to him recently, the three hours were used to travel down memory lane where we relieve old jokes and laughs. Then, he told me he really loved me when he dated me and I have always thought that he was playing me all these time after. It was a better "I hope you have a good life" after the talk. I will always have a best friend in him.
Music, movies and books
181-How often do you listen to music?
Whenever I feel like it
182-What kind of music you like?
Acoustic, bands
183-Do you like to dance?
yeah, I enjoy it
185-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yes
186-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
187-A song that’s been stuck in your head:
It's been peaceful in my head lately
188-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:
6 Months - Hey Monday
Give Love a Try - Jonas Brothers
Body Count - Justin Timberlake
Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears
Without You - Usher and David Guetta
How to be a Heart breaker - Glee Cover
Apologize - One Republic
Firework - Katy Perry
The Little Things - Colbie Calliat
Runnin' Around - Colbie Calliat
189-A book you want to read/have recently read:
I don't have the mood to read yet
190-Describe your dream library:
Non-fiction, autobiographies, fiction
191-Last movie you just watched:
But I'm a Cheerleader
192- what type of movies do you like watching?
"Based on true story", realistic, non-action movies, comedies
Situations and crazy things
193-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
my wrist
194-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?
Killing someone accidentally
195-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
Peter Pan
196-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?
My Parents
197-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
The way I reacted to thins
198-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
Potassium, it would be so easy to reply people with a K.
199-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
year 2012
200-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
Big ass sword, "We fight!"
201-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
Lots of rollercoasters and race tracks with a lot of water rides
202-What is the first curse word that comes to mind?
fuck
203-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…
Wow... I don't remember going to a party.. That's sad
204-Halloween costume idea?
Zombie, Peter Pan or Mulan
205-How you’d spend ten thousand bucks?
Go shopping with my family
206-Press ctrl+v and post:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971611_10151464977507781_29028348_n.jpg
207-Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why.
Someone that I love, then it'll be like a very very long date
208-5 things within touching distance:
Mouse, speakers, contact lens liquid, Apollo strawberry layer cakes, room key
209-A drunken story:
Almost went further than intended with one of my close friends who is a girl
210-What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing, exams are over
211-Currently wanting to see anyone?
I would love to
212-Why you follow me?
who are you?
213-If you met me what would you do?
I am sure you are nice, I'll talk
214-Leave me a ridiculous question:
Do you wash your underwear yourself?
215-Leave me a cute message:
Hi lovely, hope your day was well
1-How are you?
I am very good
2-Post a picture of yourself.
3-Do you ever wish you were someone else?
When I was younger, yes but now, no.
4-What is your entire name?
Tryphena Chin Xiao Huey
5-How old are you?
20
6-Age you get mistaken for:
Never really mistaken, I look like my age
7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:
Taurus is my original one, I am like Taurus
8-What did you do on your last birthday?
I went rock climbing
9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?
Lose like 10-20 pounds
10-What is your hair color?
At the moment dark brown with maroon highlights
11-Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yup, that's why I have maroon highlights
12-What is your eye color?
Close to black but not black
13-If you could change your eye color, would you?
Greyish-green
14-Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Yes to both
18-Do you have any tattoos?
Nope
19-Do you have any piercings?
Yeah, but they closed up
20-Left or right handed?
Right
21-What’s your sexual orientation?
Don't really believe in labels
22-Do you drink?
Yeah, socially
23-Do you smoke?
Yeah, socially
24-Do you have any pets?
My baby, Chowder. He's a dog :)
25-Where do you work?
At a grocery store at where I live
26-Something you are working on right now:
Yeah, me
27-Do you have any “rules” about food?
If you like it, eat.
28-Where are you from?
Sabah yo!
29-What would you say is your best quality?
I am loyal
30-What do you think you’re really good at?
Talking and eating
31-What do you think you’re really bad at?
Planting and whistling
33-Are you a bad person?
I would like to think that I am sometimes
34-Are you nice to everyone?
Usually
36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
yep!
37-What is your ideal bed? Why?
Something bigger than a single bed with a lot of fluffy pillows and nice soft blankets. Then I can make a fort
38-Did you wake up cranky?
Not all the time, depends on the day
39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
Yes, Wobbly!
40-What do you think about the most?
When do I get to eat? What to eat?
42-What you want to be when you “get older”?
TV Host, interviewer, somewhere along that lines
43-What are your career goals?
I just want do to what I like
44-What is your ideal career?
Ellen Degeneres' job and Oprah (but she finished her show)
45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Nope, I was happier but then again, I don't regret where I am now
46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
All the time
47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
nay
48-Say 10 facts about your room:
I have quotes and lyrics painted on my walls. I have a double decker. My little brother stays in my room while I'm away. I have wooden looking floors. I have tiled floors on the other side of my room. It's air-conditioned. It really should have a fan in it. I love my room, it's my refuge. I have guitars in my room. I also have my first radio that I bought with my own money back when I was 12.
49-Do you have any phobias?
heights and snakes
50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
Yeah, I am currently seeing one
51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
Nay
52-Ever broken any bones?
Nope
53-Ever come close to death?
Nope
60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this?
Yes and I found it so I dont have to answer that LOL
61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
yes
62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
grounded
63-A quote you try to live by:
People love differently, just because they don't love you the same way that you love, doesn't mean that they don't love you.
64-A famous person you’ve been compared to:
None, actually. I would be like Jennifer Lawrence maybe
65-Weird things you do when you’re alone:
I don't talk and when I do, I scare myself
66-Something you do without realising:
I run my fingers through my hair so much that I think I'm going to go bald from it
68-Someone you’d like to be for a day and why:
My best friend, I need answers.
69-Leave me a compliment:
Hi, you're beautiful today!
Favorites
70-What is your favorite thing to do?
Eat, chill with people, film stuff
71-What’s your favorite color?
Forever and always, blue
73-What’s your favorite movie?
Perks of being a wallflower and Alice in Wonderland
74-What are your favorite books?
Harry Potter series, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Diary of Anne Frank
75-What is your favorite quote and why?
We accept the love we think we deserve, because of experience
76-What is your favorite word?
lovely
77-What is your least favorite word?
fine
78-What is your favorite type of food?
I eat almost everything but I love chicken enough to say that it stands out
79-You favorite ice cream?
Vanilla
80-What’s your favorite animal?
Dogs, foxes
81-Dogs or cats?
Dogs
82-Describe your favorite texture:
That texture that be felt on very smooth skin, like it's very smooth but you know that there's really fine hair there
83-What is your favorite flower?
Don't like flowers so it doesn't matter
84-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?
That shampoo smell, not a perfume or cologne type. Doesn't matter
85-What is your favorite season?
I have only experienced summer but I'll say summer
86-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
New York, Los Angeles, Barcelona, Sydney and Rome
87-What are four things you can’t live without and why?
Food, because I will die.. and I love it too much to ever give it up.
My laptop, there's so much you cannot do without one
Books, I love to read
Pen, there's that satisfying feeling or writing something down
88-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why?
Not into mythological creatures..
89-What’s your favorite television show?
Glee
90-Favorite place to shop at?
Don't have a preferred place. I am of limited wealth and my body type doesn't help
91-Say 2 facts about your favorite things:
My guitar reminds me that music isn't only about singing. A pen reminds me that I am in control of words and where it goes.
Friends
106-Would you ever smile at a stranger?
yes, I have done it a lot of times
107-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
No preferences but it would be nice to have a balance
108-Who is someone you never tire of?
Francine, so far she's the only one
109-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Francine, Ling Jin and Harman. Funny how some names just appear and some just stay on
110-Who is your most loyal friend?
Ling Jin
111-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Yes
112-If your best friend died, what would you do?
I wouldn't want to imagine, I would die too
113-Something you’ve lied about.
A lot of things
114-Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes
115-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):
She loves purples. She loves raves but she likes to read. She's like Belle with a strong sense of real adventure. She loves cats and she's like one too. I think I am losing her, I think it's just me but it seems like she doesn't need me anymore.
Relationships
116-The last person you hugged?
Liyana
117-Story of your first kiss?
LOL, it scared me and I didn't expect it
118-Do you like kissing in public?
I don't mind
119-Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
LOL yes
120-You have a preference for boys or girls?
They are both fine but girls smell so much better
121-Is the male or female body closest to perfection?
Female for sho!
127-What is the first thing you noticed in someone?
Their smile
128-Are looks important in a relationship?
To me, they are not
129-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Straight teeth
130-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I prefer someone older but not more than 3 years
131-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
Yeah
133-Do you have a crush on anyone?
Yes
134-A description of the girl/boy you like:
He's a gentleman, he is intelligent, he is literally everything I want in a guy
135-Say 1 fact about the person you like:
Gentleman
136-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
You like her right? Go after her
137-When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
I said that a lot of times but to mean it when I say it, it's quite some time ago
138-Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I don't know
139-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
My little brother maybe
140-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Yes
141-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yes, still a painful memory
142-Anyone you’re giving up on?
Yep, gave up already
143-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yeahh
144-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
HAHAHAHAH everyone had something against my first boyfriend
145-Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
My first boyfriend was one
146-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
yes but I didn't know if they meant it
147-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
yes
148-Is there someone you will never forget?
yes
153-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
They sent me a card for my birthday and I didn't expect them to remember
154-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
He bought me jellybeans which I haven't eaten, gave me sweets and a plush koala bear
157-Are you in love?
I wouldn't say that I am
158-Are you in a relationship?
Nope
159-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
skip
160-Are relationships ever worth it?
depends, for me, it depends
161-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
I don't know
162-Can you commit to one person?
yes, it's my best quality
163-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
HAHAHAHA yes
164-Do you ever want to get married?
yes
165-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
Don't know
167-Do you get jealous easily?
Not sure
168-The last time you felt jealous, and why?
because I used to be important
169-What is your definition of cheating?
When you have to delete messages to avoid your SO from seeing them, you're on the way there
170-Have you ever been cheated on?
no
171-Do you forgive betrayal?
Not usually
172-Have you ever cheated on someone?
Nay
173-Why did your last relationship fail?
because of trust issues and I was young and foolish
174-Things you want to say to an ex:
We clarified a lot of things when we last talked.
175-A description of the person you dislike the most:
I don't particularly dislike anyone
176-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
If I still love them, yes
177-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
I have had two boyfriend before
178-How long was your longest relationship?
5 years on and off
179-You’ll love me if…
I change..?
180-Share a relationship story:
My first boyfriend used to cook for me. He was my best friend. He made me laugh, made me smile. he wasn't the best but he was good enough for me. When it ended, I was so angry at him for so many things. When I talked to him recently, the three hours were used to travel down memory lane where we relieve old jokes and laughs. Then, he told me he really loved me when he dated me and I have always thought that he was playing me all these time after. It was a better "I hope you have a good life" after the talk. I will always have a best friend in him.
Music, movies and books
181-How often do you listen to music?
Whenever I feel like it
182-What kind of music you like?
Acoustic, bands
183-Do you like to dance?
yeah, I enjoy it
185-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yes
186-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
187-A song that’s been stuck in your head:
It's been peaceful in my head lately
188-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:
6 Months - Hey Monday
Give Love a Try - Jonas Brothers
Body Count - Justin Timberlake
Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears
Without You - Usher and David Guetta
How to be a Heart breaker - Glee Cover
Apologize - One Republic
Firework - Katy Perry
The Little Things - Colbie Calliat
Runnin' Around - Colbie Calliat
189-A book you want to read/have recently read:
I don't have the mood to read yet
190-Describe your dream library:
Non-fiction, autobiographies, fiction
191-Last movie you just watched:
But I'm a Cheerleader
192- what type of movies do you like watching?
"Based on true story", realistic, non-action movies, comedies
Situations and crazy things
193-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
my wrist
194-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?
Killing someone accidentally
195-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
Peter Pan
196-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?
My Parents
197-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
The way I reacted to thins
198-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
Potassium, it would be so easy to reply people with a K.
199-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
year 2012
200-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
Big ass sword, "We fight!"
201-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
Lots of rollercoasters and race tracks with a lot of water rides
202-What is the first curse word that comes to mind?
fuck
203-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…
Wow... I don't remember going to a party.. That's sad
204-Halloween costume idea?
Zombie, Peter Pan or Mulan
205-How you’d spend ten thousand bucks?
Go shopping with my family
206-Press ctrl+v and post:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971611_10151464977507781_29028348_n.jpg
207-Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why.
Someone that I love, then it'll be like a very very long date
208-5 things within touching distance:
Mouse, speakers, contact lens liquid, Apollo strawberry layer cakes, room key
209-A drunken story:
Almost went further than intended with one of my close friends who is a girl
210-What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing, exams are over
211-Currently wanting to see anyone?
I would love to
212-Why you follow me?
who are you?
213-If you met me what would you do?
I am sure you are nice, I'll talk
214-Leave me a ridiculous question:
Do you wash your underwear yourself?
215-Leave me a cute message:
Hi lovely, hope your day was well
Friday, June 21, 2013
"You're beautiful. Please stop."
I found this on Facebook. It helps and even though I've never heard people say this to me, it still means the world to see that people like Peter exist.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Shitty, just shitty.Just a list of things that I hate.
I've had the most messed up weekend. I'm too annoyed right now to write about it.
But things are just simply shitty.
I feel like I am so mad and angry at the world and I just want to hate everyone and everything.
I hate the trees that never grows big enough to give us shade here in KL.
I hate the fact that I am alone here and there is simply no one to talk to and the stupid fact that I stick out like a sore thumb is simply revolting.
I hate the fact that I cannot get over you and hearing that you were with that person, makes me hate myself because I know that I can never have you in that way.
I hate the fact that you will never, NEVER know how I feel and that I can never have the chance to be more than friends.
I hate that I fall more and more in love with you whenever I talk to you and as much as I want hate you, you are the only person that makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I hate it that I am so mad at the world and everyone else in it that I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I hate so much many things right now that nothing can make me feel better.
I hate the fact that I am denying THIS with whatever and everything that I have in me and it's killing me.
I hate the fact that it's not something that I can cure and there's NOTHING I can do about this.
I hate that I can't tell anyone about this and I don't think they'll understand.
I hate the fact that NO ONE knows about this and I just can't.
I hate the fact that I am so mad at myself for being like this.
I am so mad at so many things and I think it is something that I've had compressed for a while and now it's a full blown explosion.
I guess I am mad at myself for the only thing I cannot, will not, and have not talked about with anyone.
I hate being broken and knowing there's nothing that I can do to out myself back together.
I hate myself. So much.
But things are just simply shitty.
I feel like I am so mad and angry at the world and I just want to hate everyone and everything.
I hate the trees that never grows big enough to give us shade here in KL.
I hate the fact that I am alone here and there is simply no one to talk to and the stupid fact that I stick out like a sore thumb is simply revolting.
I hate the fact that I cannot get over you and hearing that you were with that person, makes me hate myself because I know that I can never have you in that way.
I hate the fact that you will never, NEVER know how I feel and that I can never have the chance to be more than friends.
I hate that I fall more and more in love with you whenever I talk to you and as much as I want hate you, you are the only person that makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I hate it that I am so mad at the world and everyone else in it that I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I hate so much many things right now that nothing can make me feel better.
I hate the fact that I am denying THIS with whatever and everything that I have in me and it's killing me.
I hate the fact that it's not something that I can cure and there's NOTHING I can do about this.
I hate that I can't tell anyone about this and I don't think they'll understand.
I hate the fact that NO ONE knows about this and I just can't.
I hate the fact that I am so mad at myself for being like this.
I am so mad at so many things and I think it is something that I've had compressed for a while and now it's a full blown explosion.
I guess I am mad at myself for the only thing I cannot, will not, and have not talked about with anyone.
I hate being broken and knowing there's nothing that I can do to out myself back together.
I hate myself. So much.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Charades to fool.
Here's what I do.
I hid in my room.
I don't check my phone.
I don't call or text.
I stop having dinner or lunches with people
I stop talking to people.
I stop caring about what people think.
I stop trying to convince myself to be happy.
I just simply stop trying.
There's no point of trying to keep a conversation going
They either pretend that they didn't see you reply
Or they just show that they don't care
I stop bothering the people I call friends
Bullshit, is what they give me.
Yeah, you say you miss me.
Or at least that's what you're trying to make me believe
Go fucking jump off a cliff
Maybe then, I'll believe you
You tell me you're always here
Please just stop lying to me.
You stop being a friend because
you know I'll always come back, no matter what
Just stop making promises that you can't keep
I know you'll break this one more promise
but somehow, I am still stupid enough to stay
To see if you kept it, even when I know what'll happen.
That moment when you scrolled through your phone book
And you stop when you see one name
Clips and clips of memories whirl past
And then, you start crying
You know you can't call them
because they can't talk or
they just won't pick up.
You miss them, you try to smile
but you know you can't
because you're this close to falling apart
You went on with life,
you walk past both familiar and strange faces
Without even a second glance
You talk but it seems robotic
You laugh, because you feel like you have to
You smile, just for the sake of saying, I'm fine.
You slowly learning to stare at something so that
your mind can wander
Thousand of words float in and out of your head
You hear none of it, as none of it made sense
Yet, you nod and smile, like you understood everything
Mechanical faces, rehearsed excuses,
and that refusal to feel anything.
Moving on seemed easier like that.
Like that, you are able to fool people,
even yourself that you are fine.
And somehow, in between all these charades,
You stop crying yourself to sleep.
I hid in my room.
I don't check my phone.
I don't call or text.
I stop having dinner or lunches with people
I stop talking to people.
I stop caring about what people think.
I stop trying to convince myself to be happy.
I just simply stop trying.
There's no point of trying to keep a conversation going
They either pretend that they didn't see you reply
Or they just show that they don't care
I stop bothering the people I call friends
Bullshit, is what they give me.
Yeah, you say you miss me.
Or at least that's what you're trying to make me believe
Go fucking jump off a cliff
Maybe then, I'll believe you
You tell me you're always here
Please just stop lying to me.
You stop being a friend because
you know I'll always come back, no matter what
Just stop making promises that you can't keep
I know you'll break this one more promise
but somehow, I am still stupid enough to stay
To see if you kept it, even when I know what'll happen.
That moment when you scrolled through your phone book
And you stop when you see one name
Clips and clips of memories whirl past
And then, you start crying
You know you can't call them
because they can't talk or
they just won't pick up.
You miss them, you try to smile
but you know you can't
because you're this close to falling apart
You went on with life,
you walk past both familiar and strange faces
Without even a second glance
You talk but it seems robotic
You laugh, because you feel like you have to
You smile, just for the sake of saying, I'm fine.
You slowly learning to stare at something so that
your mind can wander
Thousand of words float in and out of your head
You hear none of it, as none of it made sense
Yet, you nod and smile, like you understood everything
Mechanical faces, rehearsed excuses,
and that refusal to feel anything.
Moving on seemed easier like that.
Like that, you are able to fool people,
even yourself that you are fine.
And somehow, in between all these charades,
You stop crying yourself to sleep.
Monday, January 28, 2013
We accept the love we think we deserve
Sam: Why do I, and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.
- Perks of Being a Wallflower
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Little things: Kindness
Meet Jason Kam.
I met him during the Swedish House Mafia Concert.
Why does he have a post?
Because I don't ever want to forget why I enjoyed this concert
and how he made me feel less alone during the entire concert.
Like I've said, I met him at the concert.
He was standing beside me and we talked.
He was the only person that I knew that was around me when the concert started.
They.. Well, we got separated
and they really.. didn't bother to pull me next to them. I guess.
They *I believe* think that I will be fine
because getting separated is not something you can avoid.
*breathe*
Wow, really?
You guys didn't even try to get me next to you.
Yeah, not a big deal.
Oh shit. Why did I bring this up?
And now, it hurts all over again.
*deep breathe*
Anyway, when the concert started, I was literally alone.
When I saw that he was still next to me,
I was secretly grateful. Like sincerely grateful.
He would randomly look at me and smile during the concert.
Sometimes, he would tap my shoulder and ask if I'm okay and vice versa.
I caught him looking at me a few times.
He was the person that I partied with during the whole concert.
I expected my best friend to be the one who I'll be shouting song lyrics with,
dancing and pointing at the sky with,
to jump up and down and stamp on each other toes with.
She was.. Occupied.
And no, it was him.
Halfway during the concert,
he told me that he'll be right back 'cause he had to look for his brother.
I couldn't say, "No, stay here!"
I nodded and shouted, "Okay!" over the music.
I really didn't expect him to come back.
I was sad to see him go.
I remember telling myself,
if he's not back after two songs and if I am tired, I'll leave.
Like I've said, I didn't expect him to come back
but I still turned my head to check.
And to my surprise, he was already smuggling through the crowd
trying to get back to the spot next to me.
All I could think of was
"You came back for me."
I was sincerely happy to see him.
He was my companion for the concert
and he came back.
I expected him to leave or go to his friends but no.
He was next to me for the next 6 hours.
Near the end of the concert, I was honestly tired.
All I wanted to do is sleep.
I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I turned around and it was him.
He told me he was going to the toilet.
I really didn't want to be there alone and I needed water.
So, I left the party zone to buy water.
After going to the toilet, he came back, to me.
I am still confused why he stuck by me when there are better people to be around with.
Then, the concert was over.
Time to look for the people who really didn't care about where I was , LOL!
I would write out why they HAD to look for me
but I guess I'll never forget even if I don't write it down.
I found my friends as he found his.
Of course, we walked with out friends.
Mine were a pair who were dating.
They were holding hands and stuff, which I don't mind.
But it's like they didn't even notice my existence.
They were engaged into their lovey-dovey conversation.
They only talked to me for the 5 secs because they needed water.
And then, I was left alone again.
I was walking beside them, or at least trying to.
But I had never felt so isolated.
And then, I stopped trying to make myself look like I am with them.
I just stopped trying entirely.
I lagged behind them, putting distance between us just because it's easier to focus on my own steps.
Left. Right. Left Right. Ouch, Loose Rock, Skip.
just because it hurts less not trying.
I remember looking up, desperately trying to push away the pain,
desperately trying not to feel.
I saw him looking back.
He was a few feet in front of my friends and he was searching,
for me.
I knew that because when his eyes meet mine, he smiled.
He stepped to the side and waited for me to pass him.
When I did, he walked with me.
He said, "Follow me" and I obeyed.
Slowly, we pasted my friends and they followed us.
They were somehow really slow and we got separated.
But this time, I wasn't afraid of getting lost or anything
because he was with me.
It wasn't because I liked him or anything.
It was simply just because he was there when there wasn't anyone there
When I was with him, the pain left and I could breathe again.
He lead the road but he kept turning back to make sure that I was following him.
Then, to avoid him from straining his neck,
I held on to his shoulder.
He was okay with that, so I held on and never let go.
When my hand did slip off, he immediately turned his head over to see if I'm still there.
He guided me out of Sunway Lagoon, walked me out of the entrance.
My friends were gone.
My phone had no bars so I couldn't call them.
He offered to call for me even when his phone is low of battery.
My friends picked up, they sound so pissed off at me.
They literally growled "Where are you!?"
I guess they were sleepy?
Hah, yeah.
He had to meet his friends but I couldn't find mine.
I didn't want to keep him from his friends
and I knew the place well enough to find the entrance
but he insisted on staying with me until I found my friends.
Of course, his friends called and he had to leave but
not without telling me where I had to go to find my friends.
He asked me for my number and I gave him a hug goodbye
while thanking him again and again for being there the entire night.
I really feel the need to treat him to dinner
because I feel like I owe the whole night to him
and also I get to see him again.
He never gave me a straight answer why he stayed with me the entire time
but I am entirely grateful for him.
Of course, I found my friends and we went back to the room that I rented,
Yeah, the reason why they HAD to look for me, LOL
It hurt the whole time but because of Jason,
it didn't hurt as much.
I was stupid to think back and write about this
because it's a record of what caused what I was trying not to feel
but because I didn't want to forget what Jason did,
I wrote this.
It broke me to remember the painful details because I don't forget.
I see the little details and I remember every single thing.
It breaks me to think and remember about it
but I will not forget the guy who never left me and made my night.
I prayed to God before the concert because I know already what I would get from my friends.
I said, "Dear God, in times like these, I pray for safety to, during and from this concert.
I am not very religious but I know God answered my prayers by giving my Jason for the night.
I thank Jason and I thank God.
Enough ranting now.
I hope there are more people like Jason in the world because they make the world the go round by just being there.
Even though, I wished I didn't go to the concert due to obvious reasons but I am grateful that I did when I think of him.
Thank you, Jason, if you're "lucky enough" to read this, which means that I have humiliated myself.
But, thank you for being there when no one else was there
and for making me remember the importance of the little things like such.
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