Never home.

I didn't know what was wrong actually,
like, I was fine but I was sad?
I spend the whole afternoon, busying myself,
trying to avoid something, feeling something.
Then again, the whole afternoon was spent on "damn feels" short films.
I didn't know what was going on
or rather, I didn't want to know what was going on.

That was until no one was free to hang out with me,
then I realize that I felt lonely.
The people I asked to hang out weren't free,
so, I just sat in my room, trying to find something to do.
The urge to edit family photos that were long overdue were strong,
so that's what I did.

Being lonely has never felt this painful in a long time.
What struck a nerve was a picture of my little brother.
I didn't realize how much I missed him because I told myself that I don't.
Scrolling through all of the photos is really not a good idea,
I end up breaking down and yeah, crying.
I've always wanted to go home,
I just didn't realize that until now.

I still say, "I'm going back," whenever I say goodbye to my friends.
Never the word "home".
I only used it when I was flying back, to home.
I guess, I was never home after all,
I was only back in my room
but never home.

On leaving your place and people you call home.

Three nights ago,
I cried myself to sleep.
I was home, in bed.
Knowing that I am leaving, home.
You'd think that
you'd get used to the goodbyes to your family,
friends, home.
You'd think that all the loneliness will fade
and you'd be accustomed to being alone, by now.

However,
I don't think that people,
I, can get used to leaving
the people I love behind.

Then, I cried myself to sleep
the next night after the first.
My dreams were messy,
there was running and no ends.
No goals, no finish line,
I was running from something but
I don't know what.

I didn't cry
the night before I left.
I didn't feel anything, I was
smiling.
I guess, I malfunctioned.

I cried when I was on the plane.
I hyperventilated to stop, it worked pretty well.
My best friend said that she misses me already.
Then, I thought about the last few times that
we hung out.
I remember feeling complete.
I remember being safe.
I remember being home.
I remember looking at her, and just laughing
because she made a look.
I miss her again and maybe, more
when I think about it.
I cried harder.

I reached my dorm.
I remember that
I won't hear my little brother run up the stairs.
I can't hear my brother singing in the shower.
I can't call my best friend to go out.
The jiggle of keys, the way the place smells.
The sound of water pumping and the way my bed feels.
It's familiar but
it's not home.
I sat up from my bed and
I cried.

Difference: Drawing vs Writing

All has been well. And I am quite glad.

For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.

I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.

She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.

She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.

She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person

I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.

I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.

So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.

Writing FTW!

SHM, first.

Tomorrow is the concert for SHM, Swedish House Mafia.

I'm supposed to be excited. Sadly, I'm not.

I'd rather be going to my Intro to Film class and watching my movie assignment than to go to this thing but.. I bought tickets already.

Thinking back, I was excited for it because everyone else is excited for it. Now I am less influenced by other people and I have sat down and thought it through. I don't like this excitement. It's pointless.

Oh well, but I'm going because Francine, Clement and Tim are going. Like hell, I don't even know if that's a valid reason. I am tired.

I like my life now. And all the drinking and everything just brings me back to times when I drink to forget or at least to stop feeling.

I have a headache thinking about this now. I'll nap for a bit before class.

I'll write again to tell you if I enjoyed myself.

Bye.

For the last time.

I learnt that..

Most of us don't really learn about that feeling of "the last time" until we actually have to do something for that very LAST time.

Like now, it's my last time tweeting/blogging/sleeping/downloading stuff in my own room.

And somehow, we don't realize how important something or someone is to us until the very last minute. I think it's sad. 

When my mum told me that she couldn't sent me off to university in the morning, I felt tears in my eyes. And it's weird because she was there during every graduation, every performance and when she said she couldn't make it, I felt that emptiness of her absence even if I understood why she couldn't make it.

It's not like I'm mad at here but it's just that kid inside of you that wants to throw a tantrum is screaming "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!" And it's just that feeling..

Oh shit,

I'm crying. 

Why did I make myself cry...?

I haven't cried in a while. The last time I cried was the day I last saw Francine. It was like a pent up explosion of her leaving and me leaving my family and for.. change.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate goodbyes. Like hate it!

I'd do anything to stop it from happening or at least let myself not feel the absence of that person or avoid it altogether.

People leaving. And goodbyes.

Those are my biggest fears. And I'm still having trouble facing it.

Francine, why are you on the other side of the world when I need you the most..? Come back :(

I'll write more later because I feel like I will have a lot of things to say, a lot of thoughts to be expressed and it'll be good, I guess.

I hope I get a nice roommate. I don't expect them to be neat ( 'cause I'm not.), proper ( I am so not!) or perfect. I just want someone that I get along with.

Fingers crossed. 

To be honest, I am really scared.

Sigh.

9 more days

I haven't been posting lately. I didn't feel like it.

I'm going off to KL in 9 days. I don't know what exactly I should feel. I'm sad, excited, happy, scared, terrified.. It's a whole bunch of emotions mixed together, like a trail mix. Oh well..

It was Francine's birthday yesterday. I spammed her with birthday wishes. I miss her..

Today is Tan Pei Hung;s birthday.

And tomorrow is Foo's birthday.

I wish that somehow I will be happy because right now, I really can't.

I'll write more later because like I've said, right now, I really can't.

Inevitable, change.

December, being the last month of the year, almost has the same meaning as change.

During this time, most of the people will see if they completed all of their resolutions made in the beginning of the year and then, they would make new ones. Things that they would like to change, the character traits of themselves that they would like to change. This month, is all about change.

Students getting ready for a new year, buying new uniforms, new bags, new stationary. They promise themselves that they would work harder the next year, that they would change to be better. Working adults promising themselves to work harder to get a promotion and spouses promising themselves to be better husbands or wives to their significant other. And kids, they promise their parents to be better kids, to be obedient and all. Change. Everything is change.

You know what it means to me? December?

It means everyone leaving. I'm leaving my home to go to uni. My best friend is not going to be around so often. I will be in a new environment and I have to deal with people and things that are completely new, foreign to me. It means everything is going to change, it's going to be different.

I am not good with change. I despise change. I wouldn't want it if I had a choice but I don't.

I run away from change. I don't adapt well to change. Oh, save your lecture about how I need to and I have no choice, of course I know that. That doesn't mean that I deal with it well. In fact, I am pretty much a mess now, trying to deal with it.

I hate goodbyes because it brings change. I am honestly terrified and scared about uni because I have no idea what to expect from it. I am content with the way things are right now. I call Francine, she picks up. We chat and then makes plans together. Going away means all these that I have right now, is also going to go away.

I am not ready for all of these but then again, who is?

I refuse to change but then, I have to because there's no way I can afford it.

I hung out with Francine today. It's like our last time to hang out because she's off to KL tomorrow and then back again on Wednesday only to go off again to US on Friday. After that, I won't be seeing her till next year, mid January. That is for the Swedish House Mafia Concert and then, I have no absolutely fucking idea when I'll see her again.

I am scared. Not only cause of the change, also cause of the not knowing when I'll see you again. I cannot deal with the fact that the last day I'll see her is like on the day of the concert and then, BAM!, something bad happens. I can't deal with this.

When it was time to go, we hugged. 
I felt her arms loosen. I remember saying while refusing to let go, "I don't want to let go." 
I hear her laugh, she hugged me once again, with a plastic bag of cereal and toothpaste in one hand. 
Gently, she said, "But you have to."
We both let go at the same time as I looked at her and whispered, "I know.."
We said our last take cares and you toos and then, going our separate ways.

Our friendship, for me, is different because we have these small movie-like moments where the shortest sentences, the smallest gestures mean so much more. It's that part of the movie where the rawness of emotion and simplicity of words and actions makes the whole scene so undeniably real and then, you believe it. We have those moments. And it's those moments that help me through the hard times when I can't talk to her.

I was crying like hell when I was describing that scene above because it's something like the last hang out or something. I am indeed grateful for her, Despite our little squabbles and swearing at each other during our huge fights, I would not take back anything that happened from the moment I met this girl. It's because I knew her, I have been changed for good.

I am sorry for being sentimental but yeah, I am scared of the things that I cannot predict.

So the posts this month might be about how I am dealing with everything.

New York, I'm coming for you!

Being in New York is like falling in love, over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to serenade us to make it perfect.

 - Rachel Berry, Glee.

When you don't expect it :)

It's been almost a month since everyone is gone. This time, I dare say that I have gotten used to it. Yeah, it can get a little boring but yeah, I got used to it.

It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:

1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with  any of my best friend's boyfriend.

To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all.  Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.

Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and  good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D

Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.

Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.

He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.

P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!

2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.

Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.

3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?

The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.

4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.

I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.

I'm ready for uni now, bitches!

Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)

---

Dear strangers who might be reading this, 

life is unpredictable and 
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that 
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.

Encantada :)

From Tryphena
x

It's Time - Imagine Dragons

Just thought I'd share this song with whoever that's reading this.

I'm not gonna tell you how much I love this song. 

Instead, I'll tell you why.

You know how some songs just makes you feel empowered in a good way, 

like you can do anything in this world?

This song to reminds me to keep standing up no matter what.

I heard this song from my best friend but I didn't really listen to it.

Then, I heard it again in the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,

which looks like an amazing movie by the way. 

I read the book already and I love it.

I'm about to go off to university in a few months *deep breaths*

It's weird to actually see how fast we grow up.

The movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower is about students growing up 

and going through all sorts of pain.

Of course, it includes graduation and university.

The chorus of the song

"It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit

I was the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am."

For me, yeah, it IS time to begin

and no matter how much I've changed,

I am still exactly who I'm supposed to be and nothing's gonna change that.

To be curt, 

this song reminds me to be who I am no matter how different things are.

Airport goodbyes

I feel so bad.
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.

Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..

Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.

I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!

Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)

Love you both.
x

I'm not good with goodbyes, let alone last ones.

My classmates are going off to respective universities this month. I met up with some at a farewell party of one of my friend, Selwyn and turns out more than half of them will be gone by this week.

Personally, I'm happy and excited for them but then, it's bittersweet for me because I don't know when I'll get to see them again. We're not close like tight knit but we're close enough to be very comfortable around each other and to be able to make long conversations.

Highlights of the night:
- Watched Darren play Slenderman. When he turned to go into a corner, we saw slenderman and started to scream. With that, we scared him, I think and he screamed also while flying onto Selwyn's bed. 
- Watched Margaret giving it a try. First time playing too. We didn't know what else to expect and we were shouting at her telling her to run. She was going to get the third note when she turned and SLENDERMAN APPEARED! My God, we screamed our heads off and hell, you can literally see all of our bodies leaning backwards as one, LOL!
- Watched Darren giving it another try. Raymond was teaching him where to go and we are looking for the first note. Then, we found it on the chair and Raymond said to Darren: "After taking the note, run away as fast as you can." Darren looked up at him, paralysed. "You play!" And ran to Selwyn's bed. Raymond is good. He manage to escape Slenderman even though he saw him already. He managed to get about 3 notes? And then, for some reason, he was running to escape the Slenderman who sounds nearby, he ran into a maze-like toilet and yeah, you guessed it, Slenderman was behind him when he turned around, LOL! All of us screamed our heads off and this time, we all flew in all sorts of directions.

We are all that crazy every single time we get together. It's a wonderful thing, actually. We laugh like no one else is looking and we are always so loud. I like it. It's very us. I miss all of them already. It's always fun :)

I'm sorta tired and I have work tomorrow..

Night.

P/S I'm no sure if Slenderman is spelled correctly. Oh, and I'm writing this on my new laptop :3

Another chapter in life

I got my A level results yesterday and I passed everything!!
You know how some people want to get all A's and they try so hard for it? Yeah, congratulations to them, Most of them get straights A's.
But I'm cool with passes :)
I don't wish to be a doctor, a dentist, professionals or that sort.
Pfft, that is why we have scholars for.
I'm not a scholar or like a brilliant brilliant student.
I just want to live and do something useful with my life.
Sure, saving lives like what doctors do is important but it's just not how I want to live.
Francine said something about making a difference in people's lives.
Yeah, I wanna do something like that,
That's why Oprah Winfrey is like my hero.

She also proved another point to me,
You can do great things even without a guy by your side.
I know most girls have that fantasy of the perfect dress, the perfect guy, the perfect wedding.
You know, it's weird because I never really had that fantasy.
Okay, fine, I can explain.
When I was younger, I hate dresses so no, I can't see myself in a dress then.
Guys, well, I am not the kind with looks that stop traffic.
They say I have personality but then it's all about the looks.
You don't have that, good luck in life.
So yeah, we are friends and there's always no more to it.
I think it's a good thing because I learn how to differentiate from douche bags to idiots
'cause I don't get infatuated enough to be that blind.
Weddings.
When I was younger, it seems like something you would  only see on a show,
the perfect endings I mean.
As we grow older, we see the real stuff going on.
Cheating. Fighting. Abuse. Divorce.
It seemed to me that everything are just made up of empty promises.

Well, that is just my opinion for now.
After all, I'm only 19 and I'm just at the starting line of life.
I don't wish to be tied to this one person when it's time to explore.
I just want to be a girl, at least for a little while.
Long enough for me to know what I want out of this short life.

Oh well, enough ranting.
Back to uni stuff.
Ciao!

Try