you.

Even after two years of trying to be over you, my heart still skips when I hear your ringtone.
My heart is still yours.
Yes, even after two years, nothing has changed.

tumblr musings #4

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there’s salvation in life. Even if you can’t get together with that person.”

tumblr musings #3

“Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”

\ because you were mine.

I know you were a long shot
but I will still try to make you mine anyway.

I know.

I know that he loves me. I know that he'll always be there.

That is enough for me.

We accept the love we think we deserve

Sam: Why do I, and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

The reality of pain

You take a long drag of cigarette
Your eyes closed while inhaling
Then, a long train of smoke as you exhale
Blowing the smoke out used to calm you down
At least helping you to breathe
While you feel the wind in the air
Your smoke slowly disintegrating into the air
But not this time.

Flashbacks on shouting and breakdowns
All whirring by in slow motion
Pain came first but rage took over
The adrenaline rush became something to strive for
as the shouting match became something to be won
Then, it came to a point where you have no words
Only pain, that took over your senses
Paralyzing you
Thus, ending the match with no winner

You sat on the edge of your bed, barely breathing
Something in the middle of your chest, crawling to be let out
You stretched out your limbs as it erupted
And you fell to the ground because it's engulfing you
You tried to curl yourself into a ball
as if trying to cage that feeling back in
But you can't

And you laid there, waiting
For the feeling to subside, enough for you to get back up
But it doesn't
You sat up and you feel like your rib cage is going to burst
The painful electricity spread throughout your body
Surging through every vein, every artery
You bury your finger into your tangled mess of hair with your eyes closed
You let out a scream, only to realize that
you have no energy left for even a scream

You kept your eyes closed
Silently hoping that the darkness will swallow you whole
Engulf you entirely
because anything would be better than this
You feel your limbs get broken
You feel it cracking and you can't move
Bright spots blind your sight
because all you feel is raw, excrutiating pain
You can feel yourself breaking
Breaking into a million pieces while being put back together
Only to be broken again
And again
And again

You breathe in, breathe out
Feeling the oxygen going into your brain
Feeling your blood circulating through your body
Your surroundings so quiet, so dead
Your own breathing echoing off the walls
as you began to regain conscious of reality
But consciousness doesn't make the pain a dream
Nor does it make it into an illusion
It just becomes a part of you
And you just fall apart everyday

Fell.

I fell for your thoughts,
the way that you said my name,
how you make speechless

I ache to be inside your mind,
hear the whisper of every though,
get lost in your deepest desires

I want you lying down next to me
caressing the soft curves of my face
running your fingers down my back

I fell for you
I ache for you
I want you

Once.

And then, the space between us explodes. My heart keeps missing beats and my hands cannot bring her close enough to me. 

I have loved before, but it didn't feel like this.
I have kissed before, but it didn't burn me alive.

Maybe it lasts a minute, and maybe it's an hour. All I know is that kiss, and how soft her skin is when it brushes against mine, and that, even if I did not know it until now, I have been waiting for this person forever.

- Extracted from "Sing You Home"

Last post of 2012: Confessions

I remember the time when I am sure that I love you.

I remember feeling so upset like I was never gonna smile again.

Then, there you were.

Brown eyes with golden flecks, 5'4, brown hair with natural light brown highlights, a smile that lit up my world, hands that are so soft. The way you fit just right in my arms.

I remember the times where I look at you like you're everything that I have and I ever wanted, and me trying to figure it out what it meant.

Right now, closing my eyes, I can feel your hands on the side of my face. Your face being so close, your eyes staring straight into mine, telling me everything's going to be alright.

Then, your arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me close to you, pulling me into a tight embrace.

When you pulled away, you looked at me again. Your eyes filled with some emotion that I never see that often. You said that you love me and hugged me tighter.

I looked at you and I'm home.

I love you.

Happy New year 2013

Loving her is red

The lyrics explain everything.

From how it felt loving you to missing you.

From trying to forget you to loving you even more.

Somehow I wish I told you how I felt.

I wished you knew how I felt.

I love you. - HC

Loving her is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly

Loving her is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in the autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving her was red

Loving her was red

Touching her was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing her was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with her was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer

Regretting her was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

Remembering her comes in flashbacks and echos

Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go

But moving on from her is impossible 

When I still see it all in my head

Burning red

Love is so red

Oh losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

Cause loving her was red

We're burning red

Her love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

I hate you but I love you more.

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't know what to say. Usually, when I blog, it means that I have something to express, to say but recently, I am just keeping to myself, holding my tongue because I know I am capable to using things that hurt people to completely destroy them.

I like that feeling of knowing what to say to make them break. Anger fuels it and rage just makes you feel all powerful, like you could kill them and not feel a thing. Anger is my drive to win. It always has been.

But if you love someone more than you love to win, you'd force yourself to back down because you know very well that you can't take back what you said. So, you bite your tongue till it bleeds and back the fuck down.

I am forcing myself to not overthink, to not care, to not think about the excuses that you gave when you did what you did. I don't have anything else to say but the truth when people ask about it. Inside I hate you so much. I hated you for treating me like I'll understand because you're my best friend, like I don't matter when all I did was trying to prove that you matter to me. Oh, the irony.

Sometimes I laugh at myself, why do I  care? Oh yeah, because I fell in love with you. And that just complicates everything else, doesn't it? Different? I have to sit back and watch you fall in love with someone else. Explain to me how do people stay the same after that.I love you more than I hate you. I'd rather hurt than to lose you. Am I stupid or what? I don't expect you to love me back. I just expect you to treat me like I matter. If I don't, just pretend or tell me to disappear.

This will be the first and last time that I'll admit this or at least make this obvious for you. And I'm sorry for screaming at you.

I love you but I hate you.
I hate you for making me fight for you, be there for you, and then turn around to tell me that you cannot cope with my shit, whatever that means because when I'm with you, your shit is all I deal with.
I hate you for not seeing what you're doing to me and making me feel like a selfish bitch when I try to tell you what I feel.
I hate you for making me feel like the most important person in the world when you said you had no one and ignore me like I don't exist when everything with you is alright.
I hate you for breaking me on my own birthday and for making me love you anyway. 
I hate you for making plans with me and me knowing that if something better came up, you'd dump me.
I hate you for knowing that I'll be there and you taking full advantage of it just because you say you have "no one".
I hate you for having this ability to completely destroy and restore me, both at the same time.
I hate you for having this effect on me, for making me stay even when I know I'll die trying to make you mine in some ways.
I hate you for making me believe your promises, only to be disappointed and to find out that I don't matter.
I hate you for making me love you so much that I can't hate you.
I hate you because I can only see myself happy with you, and no one else.
I hate you because you changed me and now I can't change back.

I counted the number of times you smiled at me and I die on days that you didn't. -Santana

I love you so much. Sometimes, I wish that I don't.

I don't suppose anything hurts more than this.

I don't what's gonna happen. Right now, I am trying my best not to care. I stop smiling when I see your picture. It hurts but not as much. I feel nothing when I see your picture, I guess that's a good thing. We don't talk anymore even though it's the only thing that I want right now. I am scared to say that I am giving up, that I am letting go but maybe it's for the best? Everything is different now. You can find someone better than me, someone who can meet your needs better. You don't need me in your life, you're better off without me.

At least that's what I convince myself to believe. Like that, I'll stop calling, I'll stop talking to you. Like that, I might be able to stop hurting.

One of those days.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this. That you want to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist.

And just like every other human being, I crave love, except I was not beautiful like them. I was repulsive, ugly.

In this world, looks are everything.

Because at the end of the day, all we care about is looks, right? No one falls in love with your personality.

It hurts because it mattered.

I care about your feelings more than mine.

The truth is you can just kill me and with one last breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Anger will help you survive but it eats you alive after a while.

You didn't love me, because you don't destroy the person that you love.

How do you do that? Act like you don't care, like you don't feel anything? Because I can't do that. I feel. I feel everything.

The distraction helped. But when I got home, and the distractions were gone, self hatred would hit me all over again. I'd lose perspective.

 And the hardest part about living is just taking breaths to stay.

The pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it.

but it doesn't matter, no one's listening.

I have all these reasons to know that this isn't right.

The screaming was none other than my own.

Taking another step has never felt so painful
One more step, I know I won't make it far
One more whispered prayer, one more step further.
I don't want to see what's ahead, maybe I'm just scared.
I squeeze my eyes shut, but just to get haunted by the sight of you

One more step has never been this hard,
Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just getting weaker
I can't fall, I just can't.
I'm afraid that if I do, I might not want to stand up again
I just want to sit at where I am, look ahead and not fight anymore.
Give up, cry out to the skies and wait for the end, any end.

I couldn't walk straight without being crippled
By this pain that was not suppose to be there
I feel my body shaking, like I just can't wait to fall apart
Silence has gotten so loud that even my hands cannot be used as barriers
I think I hear someone scream, then again
I realise the screaming was none other than my own

I cried myself to sleep for nights
But now I can't cry anymore
'Cause I know that this pain will still be here the next day
I don't know, the tears just don't fall anymore
Now I'm just waiting for another scream to erupt from my lungs
And with tears and blood, I continue to try to be one step closer to giving up.

Falling and loving.

Falling is losing control of your own movement, of your own body, losing sense of gravity. Falling is moving all your limbs with no avail, still dropping from a certain height. Falling is slowly dropping deeper and deeper into oblivian without an idea of escape.

Falling in love is another thing. Falling in love is something that you can't get out from, just like that. It's not something you can stop just because you want to. On contrary, the more you want yourself to stop falling, the harder you fall. Falling in love is risking your own heart and putting yourself out there because you know you can't stop falling unless you have a reason to.

When I close my eyes, I see you. You're smiling. A dimple on your right cheek, while your white straight teeth gleam in the sunlight. Your laughter rings in my ear, bringing me to places that I didn't know existed. The sun emphasizes the brown in your silky hair and those golden flecks hidden in your beautiful brown eyes. You smell of summer like you always do. The warm breeze and dry trees, with a hint of sea water. Your tanned skin, soft with that tiny bit of roughness along that texture.

That ease when I'm around you brings me a sense of reality but yet, it also brings me to some other kind of fantasy, another world so to speak.  A world, a place where heartbreaks and pain are just subjects of a myth. The way I feel complete around you, like nothing else can hurt me when I'm with you. Every imperfection of yours, the parts of yourself that you hate, made you unjustly perfect. Anywhere I go, as long as you are with me, anywhere I go, is better than paradise.

Then, I realise I couldn't have you. No matter how hard I fight, it will never become anything more. That game of charades that I play. Making you believe that I didn't care, making you believe that it was for the reasons that I've told you. I should win an award for all the acting that I did because you believed me. I forced myself to believe everything that I told you. You believed me and I still don't because every single time I see you, I faller harder than the last. And it's that pain that goes with everything that I feel for you. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with or because of me. And for that very reason, I fight, to keep you even if I can't make you mine.

Loving someone is not bringing in gifts or showering them with compliments. Loving someone is seeing them every single day but yet, feeling like you can never get enough of them. Loving someone is smiling whenever you think about them.

Falling in love is not the romance that you see in happy-ending fairy tales. Falling in love is slow and it's something you don't realise until it's too late.

\

Falling in love is looking into their eyes and seeing everything that you've always wanted.

Loving someone is looking into their eyes, seeing everything that you want in this world, closing your eyes and letting them go.