I miss being in love

The way hands slipped around waists,

Fingers intertwining,

Hands gently placed on thighs or lower backs,

Heads placed fittingly in shoulders, 

Absentminded stroking of the body with fingers,

Sure lips planted on foreheads, temples, necks, back of the hands,cheeks, lips,

Quiet but thumping heartbeats during naps,

The "I love you's", oh, the "I love you's".

I want it all,

I want it all back.

To be loved or not.

More often we forgot how it feels like to love ourselves alone without the constant reminder that we are loved from other people. I think we often choose to co-relate our worth to being loved by others. When we lose one part, we naturally lose the other. We are not nice enough to ourselves to believe that we are someone worth loving without someone loving us. I mean, what is an artist without his or her hands?

I think most of us are just trying to be loved in the end. Whether be it in terms of power or money or people or fame. I think most of us are trying to find that feeling that makes us whole and worthy of something. I believe it's just as simple as wanting to be loved.

To remember.

Remember when we went ice skating around this time last year?
People were either whooshing past us, or
clinging onto the sides, like you?
It was the first time I could properly hold you in public.
You were scared of falling,
you vowed off skating fifteen minutes into the rink.
It was the only time when it was acceptable to hold you so close.

It's been close to a year.
We were over for close to a year.
You said you didn't love me nine months ago,
stopped picking up my calls, replying me seven months ago.
Stopped saying you love me, whatever that means, three months ago.
Became someone else, two months ago.

Well,
I collapsed crying on the floor of a cold shower nine months ago.
Stopped eating, started having nightmares of losing you seven months ago.
Started imagining scenarios of you coming back as a friend, whatever, three months.
Started gaining all the weight I lost, back from emotional eatings two months ago.
Stopped loving you, never.

I remember how your lips melt into mine.
I remember how it felt to hold you, the way you fit in my arms.
I remember your smell, your butterfly kisses that I don't understand,
I remember how your eyes look like in the dark.
I remember kissing you good night, a kiss to keep away the bad juju.
I remember loving you, I still remember loving you.

10 things I found to be true after 23 years of living.

1. God is good.

2. Too much cheese will give you gas.

3, When you are in that "headspace", every hello will sound like a different version of "I'm sorry" and goodbye's, they'll sound like "Take care, I love you so much".

4. Sometimes "I love you" isn't enough. "I love you" does not make acceptance rain down from heaven. I learn that "I love you" na matter how many times it is said, it does not make people stay.

5. Heartbreaks are shit. Even after a million times. They will still feel like drowning, in a storm with crashing waves that keep you underwater. They will leave you cold, crying and broken. I learn that it hurts even more when you begged them to stay.

6.   There is always something calming about sipping drinks with straws. I like holding my drink with both hands. It makes me feel content.

7. You are loved even if you don't believe it. People will give you their jackets. They will call. They let you stay with them because you couldn't do anything else but stay in bed. They will knock on your door and let themselves in because they know you won't get the door. You are loved. You just need to choose to see that they are there because people cannot save you if you keep jumping into the hole that you got pull out of.

8. Pain is gift to writers. With pain, comes the romanticization of heartbreak and letting go. Pain will be given a face, a personality. Sometimes pain will feel sorry that he or she is visiting. In some stories, pain is a long lost friend, accompanied by anxiety and depression. Writers often paint pain in black and white and call it "colorful". I picture pain as red. I guess it's supposed to mean "Stop", "Danger", "Run" but guess who ran head first and got the wind knocked out of her? Me

9. It does make a difference when someone loves you. Someone wise once said, "Being loved is not the same thing as loving." When you are loved, you become a manifestation of calm waters and late nights. Being loved releases you from the cage that you build around yourself. Being loved reminds you that love is a real thing even if you cannot see it.

10. When I was 21, I wrote about not understanding the concept of happiness and love. I also wrote that I don't like birthdays. I am 23 this year. I have had a brief meeting with happiness and love. I like birthdays now. Two years, so much has changed and happened. Despite all the changes, God is still good.

A marriage proposal that I will never get make.

I knew exactly what love looks like.

When I saw you at the airport, luggage in hand, 

eyes still hazy from sleep, I knew you were everything I could ever asked for.

When you wake up in the morning, grumpy, 

morning breath, shirt up to your stomach, 

love of my life.

If someone asked where I see myself in ten years,

"Me and her in a condo", I'd say.

We would have a big couch with white goose feather pillows,

a kitchen with brightly colored utensils.

I see us dancing in the living room, kissing with juice-stained lips,

We would try to count the stars from our bedroom window,

pretend we live in another galaxy, with our pet dog.

If someone asked where I see myself in ten years,

I say I'd be with you in our little piece of heaven,

Being loved by you is the most painless thing that I never deserved,

Being loved by you felt like turning at the last right on the way back home. 

You make me want to wave at strangers that pass by me,
make me want to go skydiving even though I have a fear of heights.

You make me feel like I can never drown when I swim,
like I can never die; and if I do, it's okay.

You make me feel like I have nothing to be afraid of. 

When I am with you, there was nothing I couldn't do.

Of all the times that I have pictured you in a wedding dress, 

this was the one time when I also see myself next to you. 

If I had a dollar for the times when people asked if I was sure,

I could pay for the rest of our lives. 

I get to hold your hand forever, wake up next to you, kiss you good night,

tell you to get milk, drive you to places, eat burgers - forever. 

You are my best friend and my soul mate.

When I kiss you, I can taste the next fifty years of my life.

I promise to love you, treasure you and call you Sugarpie for as long as I'm alive.
I love you so much.

Will you marry me?

20 seconds of insane courage.

They say sometimes it takes only twenty seconds of insane courage to do something outrageous. It takes 10 seconds for you to change your life. You could turn your life around or make a step so big that it's a leap. You could save someone's life or take your own. In April, I gave you my heart. It took me one second to make that leap. It took me one second of insane courage and loss of all common sense to kiss you.

Remembering when I was 22.

It scares me that I might not be able to remember what I am feeling now when I am 80. Right now, I am sitting listening to the cheesy songs about dancing under trees. Right now, I am undeniably in love. Right now, she is my everything and I would give up a lot if it meant that I could get a proper chance with her. Right now, I love her with everything that I have.

Enormous Idiot.

I am an enormous idiot. I knew I would love your hands as they trace my jawline, my lips and then, then the scars that cover so many areas of my body. I knew I would love your lips as they kissed bruised knuckles and tear stained faces with no judgement. I knew I would love those eyes as they look at me with such conviction to prove that I am worthy enough to be happy in this life. I knew I would fall in love with you.

So, if falling in love with you makes me an idiot, then I am an enormous idiot.

Christmas Tree.

When I first met her, she was pretty, like Christmas ornaments that you see in November. They make you gasp in adoration and you wonder if you ever need them for your tree. Then you just shrug it off because it’s November, it’s too soon for Christmas.

When I first talked to her, it was like realizing the exact amount of red and green your Christmas tree needs to have. It was exciting and for the first time in a long time, I found what I needed in her. Slowly, her smile, her laugh, and her voice – those became the fairy lights that are later hung on to the Christmas tree.

She was the perfect Christmas tree that I found in November.

How do you know you're in love.

How do you know you're in love with them (or anyone in general):
There they go. As flawless as they can be. Everything about them makes you smile like a kid at the carnival for the first time. You can't blame yourself because you're in love with them. How in the world did you end up here? You feel like everything in your life has happened and aligned so that you could be at this place to meet them. They were everything you wanted and needed. You are happy after a very long time.

When you hold their hand for the first time, their hands feel like the right temperature, the right size. Waves of excitement and joy rush over you and drags you under. Then, you found out that you can breathe underwater. What joy! This is the most amazing feeling ever. The first kiss. The first time you went on a date. The first phone call. The first sleepover. You will feel invincible, like nothing can kill you. You were on top of the world. It doesn't matter if someone came and knock you down. With them, you could just climb up again, no biggie.

Why do I want to live?

Every time I want to kill myself, I'd look for five reasons to not do it. I didn't want my reason to be friends, family and a bright future. I was stubborn. I wanted good reasons, reasons that will only impact my life to show that there is something to live for. For those who wonders, I try. Everything on my list is never repeated.

Once, the taste of a good juicy burger was among the five. Another time, being able to breathe in fresh air and taste the molecules at six in the morning was one. Some days I stop at three, after "I get to feel the texture of flower petals". There were not enough reasons left. Then, I let myself fall into the trap of a bad habit, which is a story for another day. Some days, I couldn't get past two. I didn't know if getting out of bed counted as one reason. I wanted to give up. I was tired.

Then, you turned up, all smiles and green contact lenses. Five months later, I asked myself, "why do I want to live?" One, you. You are everything. You are sunsets and sunrises, morning dew and night mists. You are the cold side of a pillow and a hot bowl of soup on a rainy day. You are the smell of grass after the rain and the song I sing in the shower. You are the heart that I draw on foggy windows and the red dragonfly I saw once outside a church. You are everything at once.

I still want to kill myself sometimes but since then, my list has never changed.

Cyan.

You were green.
I was blue.
I tried to be the color of your skies.
I painted landscapes with you.

You seeped through my veins,
and I now, a body of blue and cyan,
I changed and I didn't mind,
I thought you didn't mind too.

Eyelashes.

I have a problem these days. I realize I have a hard time writing. I used to be able to write about the difference between black and white, justifications on why I should eat more french fries. Now, when I write, I write about you.

My pen glides across the paper, trying commemorate everything that I could about you. For example, my favorite feature of yours is your eyebrows. I find them adorable. Whenever you look down, I like taking a peep at you because your eyelashes will be so obvious then. Unlike most, you don't need mascara to make them "stand". They do that on their own. I will be smiling to myself when you don't notice and you'll give me a "what" look.

Stars, parks and possibilities.

I want to watch the stars with you. I want to lie on top of a cheap blanket, in a park with you. We can complain about the amount of bugs that will be feasting on our very limited but tasty blood. We can also get annoyed at the possibly wet and prickly grass underneath the cheap blanket. Then, I know we'd probably agree unanimously that we'll never do that again.

However, in spite of how much we suffered, I think we'll keep going back to that spot to look at stars. We'll be smart. This time, the blankets will be around us. We'll probably be on a bench, with a blanket to keep us warm and protected, under a blanket of stars, The funny thing is that I'll probably be the one to plan this and it'll either be adorably romantic or horribly miscalculated.

Either way, I'll still want to watch the stars with you. If you'd let me, we could forget the stars for while.

To be wrong

I want to write about how you made the anxiety in my bones still. I want to write about the way the side of your eyes crinkle when you give me a mischievous smile. I want to climb on to the tallest mountains, just to scream "I love you" in to the clouds. I want to tell the world that loving someone can change so much of what you were so sure about.

Before I met you, I was so sure that the most annoying accent in the world is the mandarin accent when English is spoken. With that accent, came the complimentary broken English. I was so sure that I didn't like it. Of course, like I said, it was before I met you. Now your voice is my comfort. Your words became the Big Dipper that guides my way home when I get lost. I was so sure and then, I was wrong. And boy, I have never been this happy to be wrong.

To be loved.

When I was younger, I was a ball of anger, fury and pain. I went through old diaries and journals. It spoke of nothing but pain and my love for other people. I think I didn't know how to love myself so I just ended up giving away every piece of myself even to people who don't deserve it. It sounds cliche but it is cliche for a reason. It happens.

I wanted to be loved but I refused to give anyone the permission to love me. That made a lot of things harder. In spite of that, I know now, that I just wanted to be loved so fiercely that I have no way of doubting it. That is how I loved people. You can never doubt I love you. You will be that sure of me.

I'd give myself a hug. I think that's all I wanted, really. I wanted someone to hug me and stay there for 15 minutes. I wanted to be loved.

You don't have to love me back.

I know it's exhausting for you, to deal with someone's love for you, especially when you don't want it or can't return it. I understand. You watch your words to keep how you feel unknown. You keep your wall up so you don't feel too much. You have always been a master at changing the topic to another completely different train of thought.

When I said I love you, you didn't say it back.I said it six times more on different occasions. Not once. Not once you acknowledged it. I'm sorry if it's unwanted. I didn't know. Well, I guess I did. I just didn't want to believe it. You've always said that we should be better off as friends. I don't think I know if I can be your friend. I love you. I have trouble finding the right way to explain what I feel. Then, I concluded that no combination of 26 alphabets can summed up to the way I feel about you.

I can't explain why I feel sad because "because I love you" would be a weird answer. I guess, "you can't be mine" would suffice. I'll remember the way you look at me. I remember how your lips curl up in response when we kiss. I'll remember how your skin feels. I promise I won't forget you. I understand now. I love you. You don't have to love me back.I won't force you to reciprocate what you can't.

\

Who was ever lucky enough to be loved in exactly the way they wanted? - Carmilla Karnstein

I love you.

Those three words are said too much,
they're not enough.
They became merely words,
with no promises, no hope, empty.

Then,
there was you.
I'd regret it if I didn't tell you that enough.

I can't say I'm in love with you.

I can't say that I'm in love with you
but when I close my eyes,
I imagine you lying next to me,
smelling of fresh laundry and sleep.
The monsters under my bed left me alone when you're there.
They know that you'll save me from
what scares me the most
and why bother, they said.
I wasn't the most superstitious person but after that night,
I called you my dreamcatcher.
If my prayers for miracles could not save me at night,
surely it could not be a coincidence
that your presence chases away what make me stop breathing at night.

Then,
those eyes, god, those eyes.
I forget my own name when I stare into them.
Sometimes, I even forget to breathe,
I wasn't "conscious" when you demanded for my attention.
I snapped back into reality in such a hurry,
suddenly aware of the clanging trays and impatient finger snapping from customers.
You said something about what to do next,
then I lost track of what you were saying
because, those eyes, your eyes..

I really can't say that I'm in love with you
but the idea of someone else holding you hand
makes me feel like the world is going to end.

I can't say that I'm in love with you
but I refuse, refuse...
It had to be you,
I want it to be you.

When I heard that you cried.

When someone I love cries, my first reaction was to kiss them and say "I love you". When my little brother comes running to me in tears, I would put him on my lap and cuddle him. I would let him stay like that as long as he wants, until he feels better. I would kiss his cheek and just let him calm down.

So, when you told me that you cried, I instinctively hugged you. You buried your face on my neck and I feel you smile as you hugged me back. I tried my very best to resist the urge to kiss you on your head. I laughed and pulled you in for a tighter bear hug, which you oddly didn't wriggle away from. Then, I heard you laugh. It was light, delighted, like smelling hot chocolate on a rainy afternoon.

I swore I wouldn't care about anyone else but then, you appeared. Every time you say my name or look my way, I blew it, all of it. The sound of your name makes me do a double take. The sight of you makes my steps quicken. When you turn to smile at me, basically just noticing me, I get heart palpitations.

I am happy. After a long time, I am happy. You, you make me happy. For now, I really couldn't ask for anything more.