I got a job.
It was a random email that got me a proper job. I think it was last Wednesday I got an email saying that the guy named Suresh saw my job resume on the job search websites and he thinks I am suitable for this job post that he also elaborated. I had given up on jobs and was already planning that I'll be here till Christmas and thought like what the heck, why not? So, I sent in my resume, in which I got a reply the following day. He said he had sent my resume to the company that is their client and he called me the next day, I think, asking me if I really wanted the job. I said yes, and he arranged a phone interview that was supposed to be today. There was a misunderstanding which resulted in the people calling me 3 hours for an interview that I wasn't prepared for.
I supposed I did well because they wanted me. I wanted to doubt that I wasn't good enough because it was just mind-blowing how fast everything is. I was stammering throughout the interview because I was taken by surprise. I could have done so much better than that interview but it obviously don't matter now.
I start my job on the 26th of September, a Monday. I will get the details of when and where next week. I am leaving on the 21st to get myself ready. I got a place in Subang Jaya. Nice area that is walking distance to an LRT. I don't mind traveling a bit and not being too comfortable because I think I need to be reminded that I am working towards something better. Somehow I believe I need to be reminded of it and be forced to get home on days when I need to just walk it out if it makes sense.
27th is her birthday. She's turning 26. I gave her a handwritten book of the poems that I wrote about her last year. I would have gotten her something this year too but I don't think she wants to have anything to with me now. Funny how someone just stops loving you one day and they decide, then and there, that you no longer matter. I've somehow managed to accept that now. The whole relationship is already feeling like it was a dream, a very happy dream, I don't remember how her voice sounds like, I don't remember how she feels in my arms. I don't remember what she smells like or what her lips taste like. I've started to believe that I have made her up in my head and that she wasn't real. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was all in my head. I may have gone crazy for absolutely nothing. Maybe she never existed. Maybe I really have gone crazy and she wasn't real.
I'm still scared. Who knows, maybe I'm not good enough to have this job. What if the guy that hired me realized I was nothing like the girl in the resume that he read? What if they realize they've made a mistake they're like "I want a refund on this fraud"? Maybe I just can't have nice things.
Maybe that's it.
Showing posts with label updates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label updates. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Reflection for my lack of writing
I will explain my lack of writing as a lack of things to say. However, I think I do have loads to say, I just lost my voice for a while.
My brain has been too numb to properly organized memories and mental notes made. For a long time, I have felt like a jumbled up, confused mush. Somehow, I have refused to put myself back in order. I really don't know why. There are so many things about myself that still confuses me on an extreme level.
I felt like I have grown and I have changed. I have yet to see it manifest yet but I feel the difference, I think that's what matters at this point. I have nothing to prove, at least not to anyone. I think as long as I know what I am doing things for and where I am going, I will be okay.
My brain has been too numb to properly organized memories and mental notes made. For a long time, I have felt like a jumbled up, confused mush. Somehow, I have refused to put myself back in order. I really don't know why. There are so many things about myself that still confuses me on an extreme level.
I felt like I have grown and I have changed. I have yet to see it manifest yet but I feel the difference, I think that's what matters at this point. I have nothing to prove, at least not to anyone. I think as long as I know what I am doing things for and where I am going, I will be okay.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Waking up empty, again.
It was raining, a downright storm,
everywhere was dark, gloomy,
you feel like you never knew what happiness was.
I woke from my nap, expecting to be refreshed or at least not as tired
but no, that ever familiar sinking feeling is back.
I felt like I really forgot how to smile, it was as if
I forgot what anything good feels like.
Getting up hurts, just like I remember it.
Talking or making attempts at communication drains you.
It's definitely back because
suddenly, I was desperate to feel anything that was bad for me.
I crave cigarettes and the way they feel when I smoke it.
I love counting how many years they are taking off my life
but literally, not caring about it.
I crave alcohol, I crave the burn it gives when it goes down my throat.
I want to feel my face numb up from too many shots,
I want to feel how peaceful everything seemed to be, drunk.
I crave pain, they tighten up all the loose screws
and I can appear as fine, as well.
I love how they stop me from feeling the black hole in my chest,
at least for a while.
You only need to function for a while, it works.
I crave the sense of danger,
I would walk outside late of the night, and hoping
that somehow I would fall victim to a horrible tragedy.
I love how I know that I have 70% chance of dying
and I wouldn't really care.
Despite having the desperate need, the want to destroy myself,
I am still alive because I refuse to die.
I remind myself that every day.
everywhere was dark, gloomy,
you feel like you never knew what happiness was.
I woke from my nap, expecting to be refreshed or at least not as tired
but no, that ever familiar sinking feeling is back.
I felt like I really forgot how to smile, it was as if
I forgot what anything good feels like.
Getting up hurts, just like I remember it.
Talking or making attempts at communication drains you.
It's definitely back because
suddenly, I was desperate to feel anything that was bad for me.
I crave cigarettes and the way they feel when I smoke it.
I love counting how many years they are taking off my life
but literally, not caring about it.
I crave alcohol, I crave the burn it gives when it goes down my throat.
I want to feel my face numb up from too many shots,
I want to feel how peaceful everything seemed to be, drunk.
I crave pain, they tighten up all the loose screws
and I can appear as fine, as well.
I love how they stop me from feeling the black hole in my chest,
at least for a while.
You only need to function for a while, it works.
I crave the sense of danger,
I would walk outside late of the night, and hoping
that somehow I would fall victim to a horrible tragedy.
I love how I know that I have 70% chance of dying
and I wouldn't really care.
Despite having the desperate need, the want to destroy myself,
I am still alive because I refuse to die.
I remind myself that every day.
Monday, August 25, 2014
30 Day Poetry Challege
I have a knack for poetry. At least I feel like I don't over explain things with poetry. So, I'll be doing this instead of the previous challenge. This shall be fun, I am genuinely excited about this.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
On being alone
It's weird though. It's like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to fit in or belong anywhere. Take today as an example, it was sports' carnival and of course, you go on the bus and do everything as a group and without fail, I always seem to be the odd one that has to sit with a stranger. It's not like I mind, it's just it's be nice, you know, to sit with a friend.
And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.
I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.
I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.
I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.
I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.
I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.
Oh well. Till next time.
And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.
I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.
I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.
I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.
I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.
I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.
Oh well. Till next time.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Tired, physically.
This is just an update. If you ask me why am I updating, it's because dumb ass, it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.
I am tired. My head hurts. My left foot is swollen and the throbbing feeling does not help, at all.
It has been a day full of happenings, there was stress in the radio club due to issues. I was busy, we had things to figure out. I cooked dinner for myself and ate on the floor of my room in silence.
It was not the typical day. Well, it was but it was just busy.
Yknow what's the good thing about today and the days before?
My mind is quiet.
When I wake up recently, I don't have to beg myself to not die. Nothing hurts like it always did. It's a very calming thing for me because for the last few weeks, I've been waking up with the feeling of walls caving on me. And I literally begged myself to breathe and breathe and breathe until the voices in my head stopped.
Then again, they never stop, they just become a hum in the background when I'm distracted or busy. They come back when I don't realize it or I didn't have my walls high enough.
You'd ask what voices. It's not like someone is talking to you. For me, it's a repetition of some specific song lyric or a thought or thoughts. It just plays on loop for as long as it wants to until I fall completely into its trap and I just.. die.
Anyway, I shall have a snack and sleep.
Like I've said, too tired and I should treasure this silence in my head as much as I can because I don't know when the voices will be back.
I am tired. My head hurts. My left foot is swollen and the throbbing feeling does not help, at all.
It has been a day full of happenings, there was stress in the radio club due to issues. I was busy, we had things to figure out. I cooked dinner for myself and ate on the floor of my room in silence.
It was not the typical day. Well, it was but it was just busy.
Yknow what's the good thing about today and the days before?
My mind is quiet.
When I wake up recently, I don't have to beg myself to not die. Nothing hurts like it always did. It's a very calming thing for me because for the last few weeks, I've been waking up with the feeling of walls caving on me. And I literally begged myself to breathe and breathe and breathe until the voices in my head stopped.
Then again, they never stop, they just become a hum in the background when I'm distracted or busy. They come back when I don't realize it or I didn't have my walls high enough.
You'd ask what voices. It's not like someone is talking to you. For me, it's a repetition of some specific song lyric or a thought or thoughts. It just plays on loop for as long as it wants to until I fall completely into its trap and I just.. die.
Anyway, I shall have a snack and sleep.
Like I've said, too tired and I should treasure this silence in my head as much as I can because I don't know when the voices will be back.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Smiling, after a very long time.
it is not so bad today. I didn't die. Yesterday was good too. Nothing hurts. I like it. I know it's a long shot but I hope things stay that way, at least for as long as it can.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
avoiding.
I've been trying to not die everyday. It's probably the worst thing for anyone to ever feel. It's not easy, trying to find a reason to not jump off a cliff or to just not press harder when a razor touches your skin. You literally hear your heartbeats and you can't help, but wish that it was numbered. It's not hard to hide this throbbing pain in your chest. Only you feel it. No one else can see it, I guess that's the part that sucks.
I know I act happy, laughing and all with other people. I'm not sure why but it's just my natural reaction to people. I mean, I don't even need to fake it, all the lies of how I am feeling just pour out. I know Francine heard it in my voice. She asked if I was okay because I sound upset. She heard it in less than 30 seconds. it's not a mask, I know I'm not putting on any because I don't even pretend to be happy. It's just.. there.
I've been mad and angry at everything recently. It's like my brain refuses to register any emotion other than anger. It's not healthy because it gives me headaches. I just feel hatred for everyone and everything that breathes. I know that being angry numbs everything else. Numb is good. At least numb allows me to function. That is until I broke down a few days ago and everything that I refused to feel for the past three weeks came flooding back and I couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating.
You know what's the worst part of all these? You can't do anything about this. You can only feel everything and try very hard to tell yourself that it's not real or that it's ending soon, even though you know it very well that you're just lying to yourself.
I've written notes and things before just in case but come to think of it, I really shouldn't. If anything does happen, they'll have to remember me by what they want to remember me by in the first place. If they really didn't care, a note about them won't make them start caring.
I felt broken when I started writing this post but right now, numbness again. I guess it's a good thing because I think I was this close to having another meltdown.
And then, there is you. The only one who can make me feel better when I feel utterly hopeless and the only one who can take away all the hope that I will ever get to feel.
Trying not to love you, only goes so far.
Trying not to need you, it's tearing me apart.
I see the silver lining, down here on the floor
I just keep on trying but I don't know what for.
'cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.
\
I love you to the moon and back, I'd go further if you asked me to.
I know I act happy, laughing and all with other people. I'm not sure why but it's just my natural reaction to people. I mean, I don't even need to fake it, all the lies of how I am feeling just pour out. I know Francine heard it in my voice. She asked if I was okay because I sound upset. She heard it in less than 30 seconds. it's not a mask, I know I'm not putting on any because I don't even pretend to be happy. It's just.. there.
I've been mad and angry at everything recently. It's like my brain refuses to register any emotion other than anger. It's not healthy because it gives me headaches. I just feel hatred for everyone and everything that breathes. I know that being angry numbs everything else. Numb is good. At least numb allows me to function. That is until I broke down a few days ago and everything that I refused to feel for the past three weeks came flooding back and I couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating.
You know what's the worst part of all these? You can't do anything about this. You can only feel everything and try very hard to tell yourself that it's not real or that it's ending soon, even though you know it very well that you're just lying to yourself.
I've written notes and things before just in case but come to think of it, I really shouldn't. If anything does happen, they'll have to remember me by what they want to remember me by in the first place. If they really didn't care, a note about them won't make them start caring.
I felt broken when I started writing this post but right now, numbness again. I guess it's a good thing because I think I was this close to having another meltdown.
And then, there is you. The only one who can make me feel better when I feel utterly hopeless and the only one who can take away all the hope that I will ever get to feel.
Trying not to love you, only goes so far.
Trying not to need you, it's tearing me apart.
I see the silver lining, down here on the floor
I just keep on trying but I don't know what for.
'cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.
\
I love you to the moon and back, I'd go further if you asked me to.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A little bit better.
It was one of the better days today.
Things went well.
I did my radio show for one of my classes,
the prank call went well.
I was laughing so hard and
I didn't have to pretend any bit of it.
I laughed till my stomach hurt,
it was a good feeling.
I was sad that it was over
because it has been a while since
I felt anything else.
I went to lunch with one of my favorite people here
She made me laugh
and I was really happy to talk to her.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone else.
I refuse to leave my room
because it required effort,
effort to get up and face people.
The only person that I want to talk to
at least sit in silence with
is not here.
I feel like crying but
I can't cry because
I think that I just feel lonely instead of sad
Well, I like being with her, talking
making jokes and smiling.
At least I feel like I have to be when I'm
around her
It is good for me because
I don't know how long I can go on without smiling
or feeling something without faking it too much
At least I hope I'm not faking when I'm with her
because it'll make her sad and
I really don't want to see her sad
When I came home, I felt peace
Like I'm back to the solitude confinement
that I'm putting myself in
And I'm back in control of my own emotions.
I suppose that is a good thing.
I know something is wrong with me
but I just can't say what.
I just know that I cannot afford to disappear
no matter how much I want to
and I still do, even in this very moment
I wish to disappear like smoke into the atmosphere
One puff and I'm gone
I feel it, that depression eating me again
It's feeding on my emotions, even right now
I feel my energy draining away
like I'm slowly out of laughs and smiles
I am almost too tired to do anything
too tired to care
too tired to feel, numb, I think
I am supposed to be doing an assignment but
I feel like my body is going to explode
if I don't write.
If I do explode, it will be an explosion of emotions,
of everything that I cannot feel right now.
And when I do feel it,
All I feel is pain.
At least right now, being numb,
I can focus more on reality and maybe
push everything away, whatever it is.
Maybe I'll let it explode
whenever I can afford to shut off the world.
Or maybe, I'll just breath slower
and hide under my blankets.
Things went well.
I did my radio show for one of my classes,
the prank call went well.
I was laughing so hard and
I didn't have to pretend any bit of it.
I laughed till my stomach hurt,
it was a good feeling.
I was sad that it was over
because it has been a while since
I felt anything else.
I went to lunch with one of my favorite people here
She made me laugh
and I was really happy to talk to her.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone else.
I refuse to leave my room
because it required effort,
effort to get up and face people.
The only person that I want to talk to
at least sit in silence with
is not here.
I feel like crying but
I can't cry because
I think that I just feel lonely instead of sad
Well, I like being with her, talking
making jokes and smiling.
At least I feel like I have to be when I'm
around her
It is good for me because
I don't know how long I can go on without smiling
or feeling something without faking it too much
At least I hope I'm not faking when I'm with her
because it'll make her sad and
I really don't want to see her sad
When I came home, I felt peace
Like I'm back to the solitude confinement
that I'm putting myself in
And I'm back in control of my own emotions.
I suppose that is a good thing.
I know something is wrong with me
but I just can't say what.
I just know that I cannot afford to disappear
no matter how much I want to
and I still do, even in this very moment
I wish to disappear like smoke into the atmosphere
One puff and I'm gone
I feel it, that depression eating me again
It's feeding on my emotions, even right now
I feel my energy draining away
like I'm slowly out of laughs and smiles
I am almost too tired to do anything
too tired to care
too tired to feel, numb, I think
I am supposed to be doing an assignment but
I feel like my body is going to explode
if I don't write.
If I do explode, it will be an explosion of emotions,
of everything that I cannot feel right now.
And when I do feel it,
All I feel is pain.
At least right now, being numb,
I can focus more on reality and maybe
push everything away, whatever it is.
Maybe I'll let it explode
whenever I can afford to shut off the world.
Or maybe, I'll just breath slower
and hide under my blankets.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Difference: Drawing vs Writing
All has been well. And I am quite glad.
For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.
I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.
She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.
She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.
She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person
I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.
I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.
So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.
Writing FTW!
For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.
I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.
She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.
She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.
She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person
I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.
I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.
So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.
Writing FTW!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Swedish House Mafia Concert
We Went. We Raved. We Loved.
It was amazing :)
My first concert was amazing.
The lights were incredible.
The crowd had the best energy ever.
The feeling of everything was simply good.
For the first time, I felt like I am part of something bigger, something important that happened.
I remember seeing the raindrops in the spotlight and tasting it.
I remember being in synced with the crowd, singing and jumping.
I remember turning to my right and having Jason smile at me.
I remember not feeling lonely because he was with me.
I remember the adrenalin that rushed through my body when I first got to the venue.
I remember the excitement when SHM played the first song.
I remember standing in the drizzling rain with my phone up in the air, hoping to capture the pictures and videos.
I remember say "ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit.." when it started to rain because my phone was out.
I remember being able to look at up in the air and smile, giving thanks to God for the chance to be there.
I remember living in those moments, second by second.
I remember being happy for myself for making this far in life, alive.
I remember being happy for being at the concert for me, not anyone else.
I remember being thankful for every single second that lead up to that concert,
And they say when you live in the moment, you'll feel infinite.
That's exactly what it felt like under the dancing lights and booming bass.
Despite the pain that I felt before, during and after the concert and also the day after the concert,
everything else was good.
I have no regrets :) x
Thursday, January 17, 2013
SHM, first.
Tomorrow is the concert for SHM, Swedish House Mafia.
I'm supposed to be excited. Sadly, I'm not.
I'd rather be going to my Intro to Film class and watching my movie assignment than to go to this thing but.. I bought tickets already.
Thinking back, I was excited for it because everyone else is excited for it. Now I am less influenced by other people and I have sat down and thought it through. I don't like this excitement. It's pointless.
Oh well, but I'm going because Francine, Clement and Tim are going. Like hell, I don't even know if that's a valid reason. I am tired.
I like my life now. And all the drinking and everything just brings me back to times when I drink to forget or at least to stop feeling.
I have a headache thinking about this now. I'll nap for a bit before class.
I'll write again to tell you if I enjoyed myself.
Bye.
I'm supposed to be excited. Sadly, I'm not.
I'd rather be going to my Intro to Film class and watching my movie assignment than to go to this thing but.. I bought tickets already.
Thinking back, I was excited for it because everyone else is excited for it. Now I am less influenced by other people and I have sat down and thought it through. I don't like this excitement. It's pointless.
Oh well, but I'm going because Francine, Clement and Tim are going. Like hell, I don't even know if that's a valid reason. I am tired.
I like my life now. And all the drinking and everything just brings me back to times when I drink to forget or at least to stop feeling.
I have a headache thinking about this now. I'll nap for a bit before class.
I'll write again to tell you if I enjoyed myself.
Bye.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
9 more days
I haven't been posting lately. I didn't feel like it.
I'm going off to KL in 9 days. I don't know what exactly I should feel. I'm sad, excited, happy, scared, terrified.. It's a whole bunch of emotions mixed together, like a trail mix. Oh well..
It was Francine's birthday yesterday. I spammed her with birthday wishes. I miss her..
Today is Tan Pei Hung;s birthday.
And tomorrow is Foo's birthday.
I wish that somehow I will be happy because right now, I really can't.
I'll write more later because like I've said, right now, I really can't.
I'm going off to KL in 9 days. I don't know what exactly I should feel. I'm sad, excited, happy, scared, terrified.. It's a whole bunch of emotions mixed together, like a trail mix. Oh well..
It was Francine's birthday yesterday. I spammed her with birthday wishes. I miss her..
Today is Tan Pei Hung;s birthday.
And tomorrow is Foo's birthday.
I wish that somehow I will be happy because right now, I really can't.
I'll write more later because like I've said, right now, I really can't.
Monday, November 5, 2012
When you don't expect it :)
It's been almost a month since everyone is gone. This time, I dare say that I have gotten used to it. Yeah, it can get a little boring but yeah, I got used to it.
It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:
1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with any of my best friend's boyfriend.
To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all. Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.
Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D
Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.
Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.
He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.
P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!
2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.
Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.
3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?
The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.
4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.
I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.
I'm ready for uni now, bitches!
Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)
Dear strangers who might be reading this,
life is unpredictable and
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.
Encantada :)
From Tryphena
x
It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:
1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with any of my best friend's boyfriend.
To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all. Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.
Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D
Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.
Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.
He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.
P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!
2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.
Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.
3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?
The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.
4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.
I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.
I'm ready for uni now, bitches!
Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)
Dear strangers who might be reading this,
life is unpredictable and
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.
Encantada :)
From Tryphena
x
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
If I choose sleep over you, you are special.
The above statement is true.
Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.
2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"
So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.
"Message from Francine's Spain Number"
We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.
And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.
I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.
2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.
Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.
So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.
And guess what time I stayed awake till..
4.23am
Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.
So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.
I am sure she's aware of that.
Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.
2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"
So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.
"Message from Francine's Spain Number"
We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.
And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.
I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.
2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.
Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.
So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.
And guess what time I stayed awake till..
4.23am
Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.
So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.
I am sure she's aware of that.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Short stories. Yeah, I'm gonna write :)
Well, I have always like writing. I don't have a habit of using big, impressive words.
Not that I don't want to but back in high school, due to the English standard of the school, big and outrageous words were not taught as frequently even though there is a new set of vocabulary every week. To me, it's just a revision of the words that I already knew.
So, basically, I have limited impressive words to use.
My English teachers thought that my strong points in writing is my ability to communicate with the audience. Like the readers are able to feel and imagine what my characters are feeling, seeing and experience.
That's a good thing, I guess.
I haven't written stories in a while. Blog posts are like diary entries to me, so I don't think it counts as writing. The last time I wrote a story was during SPM and that was my best story ever. I will never stop being proud of it.
Writing keeps me sane. I was the most depressed person that I've ever met looking back. One of my best friends said that I rarely smile at things. There were not a lot of things that kept me happy. I laughed but I was never happy. I was literally depressed and cynical. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad it was until she told me. It's rather hard to believe actually because I am surprisingly different now.
Like I've said, I rarely display emotion back then but I was expressive when I write. I guess writing helped me with what I refuse to let myself feel. Like happiness, sadness and all that. I don't cry last time. I don't feel. but then again, I think I felt too much of everything that my brain just shut down and wouldn't function anymore. I think I was numb because everything else hurt so much.
Writing is like channeling to me then. It's like transferring all that I feel on to paper. Even forbidden feelings that somehow doesn't feel wrong if written from another character's perspective.
I have Francine who listens and never judges no matter what. I can say what I think, sometimes even without filter. Since she's MIA for a while, things and feelings do pile up even though I am grateful that I still have Tim and Clement around to help me destress.
To summarize it all, I refuse to let myself sink back into that deep hole that I somehow unknowingly fell in. So, I'm gonna write because it saved my life and now it might just the only outlet I have left.
I might post it here or in my other blog. I don't know.
We'll see how it goes :)
Good day everyone.
LAIKE A SIRRRRR!
heh :)
Not that I don't want to but back in high school, due to the English standard of the school, big and outrageous words were not taught as frequently even though there is a new set of vocabulary every week. To me, it's just a revision of the words that I already knew.
So, basically, I have limited impressive words to use.
My English teachers thought that my strong points in writing is my ability to communicate with the audience. Like the readers are able to feel and imagine what my characters are feeling, seeing and experience.
That's a good thing, I guess.
I haven't written stories in a while. Blog posts are like diary entries to me, so I don't think it counts as writing. The last time I wrote a story was during SPM and that was my best story ever. I will never stop being proud of it.
Writing keeps me sane. I was the most depressed person that I've ever met looking back. One of my best friends said that I rarely smile at things. There were not a lot of things that kept me happy. I laughed but I was never happy. I was literally depressed and cynical. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad it was until she told me. It's rather hard to believe actually because I am surprisingly different now.
Like I've said, I rarely display emotion back then but I was expressive when I write. I guess writing helped me with what I refuse to let myself feel. Like happiness, sadness and all that. I don't cry last time. I don't feel. but then again, I think I felt too much of everything that my brain just shut down and wouldn't function anymore. I think I was numb because everything else hurt so much.
Writing is like channeling to me then. It's like transferring all that I feel on to paper. Even forbidden feelings that somehow doesn't feel wrong if written from another character's perspective.
I have Francine who listens and never judges no matter what. I can say what I think, sometimes even without filter. Since she's MIA for a while, things and feelings do pile up even though I am grateful that I still have Tim and Clement around to help me destress.
To summarize it all, I refuse to let myself sink back into that deep hole that I somehow unknowingly fell in. So, I'm gonna write because it saved my life and now it might just the only outlet I have left.
I might post it here or in my other blog. I don't know.
We'll see how it goes :)
Good day everyone.
LAIKE A SIRRRRR!
heh :)
Friday, October 12, 2012
29 days and counting down.
Francine just left for Spain yesterday. I miss that idiot already and it's barely 24 hours, LOL! Guess what her parting words were! I'll miss you? I'll think of you everyday? I love you? NOPE! You memang blind. That's what she said to me AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
KK is quite empty now. Empty as in not a lot of my close friends are here. They all left for uni, to be flight attendants and for language courses in another country. Bong & Bing left last week, Nick left on Monday, Francine left yesterday. They're all gone :(
At least I'm working and I have things to occupy my mind with. I have books. I have a new season of Vampire Diaries coming out. I have Pretty Little Liars' Halloween episode to wait for. I have The X factor to download every week. My other close friends will be coming back almost every week respectively. One month will be fast. I pray that it would be.
KK is quite empty now. Empty as in not a lot of my close friends are here. They all left for uni, to be flight attendants and for language courses in another country. Bong & Bing left last week, Nick left on Monday, Francine left yesterday. They're all gone :(
At least I'm working and I have things to occupy my mind with. I have books. I have a new season of Vampire Diaries coming out. I have Pretty Little Liars' Halloween episode to wait for. I have The X factor to download every week. My other close friends will be coming back almost every week respectively. One month will be fast. I pray that it would be.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I'm hungry.
There's another meeting again in five minutes. I never look forward to these meetings. It makes me feel so uptight and old. Ugh. And I am hungry, which doesn't make the situation better.
Well, uhh, byeeeee.
Well, uhh, byeeeee.
All is well. Update.
A little update on life then :)
Sometimes you get so tired of being upset, being disappointed and being a piece of something in everyone's petty little drama.
Then, stop and breathe. Don't think about it if it doesn't involve you. Let yourself feel annoyed when you are caught in the middle of it because you are NOT part of the drama. It is not wrong and you need your peace and quiet even if you want to help. You can't help anyone if you're stressed up and on edge.
Personally, I refuse to get worked up into all these because I know for a fact that I get aggressive and I just can't afford any emotional drama from myself right now.
I am exhausted from work, mentally and both physically. I get cranky and all I just want to do and stay in one place and NOT move. Me being in this state, it just won't allow any more unnecessary bullshit in.
So, now I just sit and relax. Not that I can, but I try to look at brighter sides of things now, which is rare. I guess it took a while for me to get here. Positivity isn't really my sort of thing but right now, it helps me keep calm.
So, ignore the world if you have to when you can't take it.
Talk later. CIAOOO!
Sometimes you get so tired of being upset, being disappointed and being a piece of something in everyone's petty little drama.
Then, stop and breathe. Don't think about it if it doesn't involve you. Let yourself feel annoyed when you are caught in the middle of it because you are NOT part of the drama. It is not wrong and you need your peace and quiet even if you want to help. You can't help anyone if you're stressed up and on edge.
Personally, I refuse to get worked up into all these because I know for a fact that I get aggressive and I just can't afford any emotional drama from myself right now.
I am exhausted from work, mentally and both physically. I get cranky and all I just want to do and stay in one place and NOT move. Me being in this state, it just won't allow any more unnecessary bullshit in.
So, now I just sit and relax. Not that I can, but I try to look at brighter sides of things now, which is rare. I guess it took a while for me to get here. Positivity isn't really my sort of thing but right now, it helps me keep calm.
So, ignore the world if you have to when you can't take it.
Talk later. CIAOOO!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Airport goodbyes
I feel so bad.
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.
Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..
Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.
I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!
Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)
Love you both.
x
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.
Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..
Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.
I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!
Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)
Love you both.
x
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