A farewell perhaps?

I spent the last 7 months getting myself ready to let go

of every message you have ever sent me.

I feel like I am finally there. 

I don't look at your messages anymore,

no longer fall asleep to the sound of your "good night, I love you".

When it's close to midnight, 

I take off my glasses, make sure my phone is charged,

switched off the lights and just go to sleep.

When I am depressed and can't get out of bed, 

I just stay in bed but it's no longer because of you.

Somehow I am here, already able to see the end of the tunnel,

still reluctant to walk away from the comfort of the dark, which was to miss and love you.

This feels like a goodbye, a farewell,

one that I need to stop myself from running back to.

You are the greatest love story of my life. 

You made me believe in love, fate and all the stories that I have ever heard.

You were the one, my sun, my moon.

You will continue to be the first that I love,

I don't think I will ever stop loving you.

I no longer live for you

but saying that, I mean I no longer want to live at all.

It will be close to two years now,

I think I should at least try.

I believe I have experienced one of the greatest things in life 

which is loving and being loved by you.

I don't know if that is ever going to be enough for me.

If I am ever going to end my life,

then my greatest sin would be loving you. 

Suicide

Most of us are baffled at our own prospects of death. I think it's because of the mystery to it. I mean, we don't know when it will happen or how it would happen. So, we mask that curiosity, that fear of it sometimes, by being busy, being occupied and being oblivious. Most of us think that our end of the road is old age, grandkids or perhaps, success. The very idea that "lives can be cut short either deliberately or not" is a myth, a fairy tale made up to scare us into taking risks and aiming for the stars.

Kristina Akana, 1993-2007, she ended her own life on Valentine's Day. I just finished reading her sister, Anna's book, Surviving Suicide. Anna wrote about the aftereffects of a suicide. People always talk about why people shouldn't kill themselves and how much people will miss them but I have never seen anything told from the the perspective of someone that was left behind. That is up until now.

I have never had friends or family who were claimed way before the expiry date by suicide. However, I have friends who, fortunately, failed at their attempts to take their own life. Two were when I had to talk to them relentlessly because there was nothing else I could do. One was after she had her stomach pumped. I remember the panic when I hear "I'm sorry" and that lump in my throat that won't go down no matter how many times I swallow. I remember bargaining with God even though the life at risk is not mine. I remember that sensation of vertigo when they dropped the other line of the call. I remember hearing train tracks and the sound of her sobs.

Anna talked about how her brain was far from reality when she got the call that her sister tried to hang herself. Her response was "Oh My God, she's going to be grounded for a very long time" or something along those lines. I guess, it is normal for us to not accept the visit of the Grim Reaper, especially when you are not expecting him. Sometimes, I do wonder. I wonder if they ever stop crying. I wonder if they ever stop picturing her face when they hear "Kristina' or if they ever stop missing her. I wonder if Kristina wished that she stayed. I wonder if she is happy now.

I hope, I solemnly hope to God that she is.

Reflection.

tell me
tell me if
it's possible
for someone to fall apart
without giving anything away?

\

Yes.

I just felt my insides died
I think my toes and fingers went numb
something somewhere in my chest just clenched
and now,
I can't feel anything
I can't feel my face muscles,
it's like I'm drunk
without consuming alcohol.
My airway feels constricted and
I feel like I'm choking
because my lungs,
they are rejecting oxygen
All I can do is hyperventilate
and gasped silently for air,
which is obviously not working.
I literally feel myself crumbling into pieces
and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Now, my bones and everything
start to hurt
and all I want to do is
curl up in my bed,
close my eyes,
sleep
and hopefully, just maybe,
die

All these happened
while I'm staring at myself
in the mirror.

One of the bad days.

It's a long time since I've updated my blog. I feel weird if I don't update it. It's like I'm talking to myself but it's not?

I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.

I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.

Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.

Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.

I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.

Close your eyes before you hit the taxi.

It scares me how peaceful it felt even for that millisecond.

It's like you're free.

I want this feeling and I'm trying to get it without resorting to this.

- Sue Sylvester

When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them.

A prayer of an 11-year-old Holocast victim

"God? How good you are, how kind and if one had to count the number of goodnesses and kindnesses You have done, one would never finish.

God? It is You who command. It is You who are justice, it is You who reward the good and punish the evil.

God? It is thanks to you that I have a beautiful life before, that I was spoiled, that I had lovely things hat others do not have.

God? After that, I ask You one thing only: Make my parents come back, my poor parents protect them (even more than You protect me) so that I can see them again as soon as possible.

Make them come back again. Ah! I had such a good mother and such a good father! I have such faith in You and I thank You in advance."

- 11-year-old Liliane Gerenstein, 
  extracted from http://www.deathcamps.info/Letters/new_page_2.htm

She was a Jewish orphan who was caught along with her brother and other kids at one of the orphanage. She was gassed a few days after she arrived at the camps during world war 2. It was basically like the end of the world for them but yet, she still have the faith to thank God for everything. From the letter, she's telling God that she's not afraid because he's with her.

And I am here, going to university, with a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, complaining about the things that does NOT amount to half the things that she went through. What does that say about me?

God? I am sorry for complaining. I am sorry for not being grateful. I am sorry for all the things that I have said. I have not thanked you for all the things that I have in a while now. I thank you for the things that are going well, I thank you for the things that are not. I thank you for reminding me how much I have to be grateful for. I thank you for waking me up form my slumber. I thank you for everything good and bad.

"Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." -Psalms 23:4

Even in the face of death, I will pray, for I am not afraid.

Fear. Of losing the people that you love.

So, it's like 12.14am and I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see my best friend on the brink of death in the hospital and then she dies. What the frick.. Francine, I blame you.

Okay, so here's the thing. I've always had the fear of losing the people that I love in one a way or another. Usually they leave out of my life but then, the other way is that they die which did not happen.

Whenever my inseurities get the best of me, I'll be afraid that they will leave me suddenly, something like a break up. When I am cantent that I have friends that I know that will stay forever, I HAD to overthink everything and become paranoid that I will lose them to death.

Seriously? Brain?

Apparently I have a vivid imaginaiton so I can make the things in my mind look so real that it seems like reality. It is so annoying.

I mean, anything can happen right? Every dreams can seem so real.

I need to breathe because I think I will go crazy thinking about this.

25.02.12

Cheerleading competition was on that day. The year one's did really well. I'm so proud of them.
Then, we won 2nd place in the girl's Tug of War. It was a very satistfying day.

It was suppose to be a good day until that email from Mackenzie.

What were you thinking? You had me. You were my only reason left. Now who's gonna play "Would you rather..?" with me? You understood everything that I told you. You are the person that I look forward to seeing every weekend. You are the most amazing guy I've ever known.

You said you would be there for my birthday. Now who's gonna catch me a zebra? I remember you telling me that people would probably forget about me on my birthday because it's the exam period. I was a little upset but then you promised to call me on that day no matter the cost. You are the best. But now, I don't think heaven uses cellphones.

I miss you. Like hell. It's day 3 without you. I have to get used to it. You said in your note, you want me to move on, to love, to live, to conquer. You want me to be strong for myself the way that you can't for yourself. You told me not to give up but to stand up strong no matter what. You told me to do all the things that you were not able to do for yourself. God, I miss you.

I wish this was easier. I wish I can go up with you, I'm sure it hurts less. Now who's gonna tell me that it will work out whenever I feel like crying? You shouldn't have left me here to deal with life. It's not fair. I hate the fact that you left me here alone but I know that you are happy now.

I wish you all the best. I miss you so much already.
I bullseye you.

Keep holding on, cause I know you'll make it through, we'll make it through.

For those who mean the whole to me, you know who you are

You're not alone, not really.
I'm here right now, yes, I'll take your hand.
I won't leave you, no, I'm not going anywhere.
This is not the end, it's just another beginning.
Another chapter in your life,
Just like how you read the next part of a book.
I'm sorry if it rains and you forgot your umbrella.
I'm sorry if it feels like the end, like you have nowhere to go,
And you wish everything would just stop for the sake of your mental being.
Don't tell me that you give up,
Cause you know I won't give up on you, ever.
If you feel lost, tell me,
And I'll tell the world to find you.
If you're weary, let me know,
I'll be that strength that you need to pull through.

Not everyone is perfect, no one expects you to.
Breathe and keep going, the suffering never lasts forever.
One day if I leave this world early,
Remember that I love you.
Remember that you matter more than I will ever matter to myself.
Remember this promise in hope that you can find that ray of sunshine from it,
So that it can get you through the tunnel of darkness.
No matter what happens,
Please remember that I love you.

From, Tryphena

You will be missed

Life is short. 

Live your life with no regrets. 

Treasure the ones you love 

And enjoy every moment with them 

Because when they're gone, it might be too late.

Dedicated to Timmy Chin's big brother. 

R.I.P 

20.09.2011

You were an awesome brother and a good friend to many. 

You will be missed dreadfully.

To Tim's family,

My prayers will be for you guys.

Stay strong.

x