25 things I learn/am reminded of in March of 2017

1. March is not a good month for me.
2. A black hole in your chest can still hurt even though it's empty.
3. Love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
4. The people you love will hurt you, especially when you don't expect them to.
5. The people that love us the most in the world, are the hardest for us to hear.
6. The lucky ones are the ones who are loved exactly the way they wanted.
7. I am allowed to still love you with so much and still walk away.
8. Under no circumstance should you ever lose your temper with the ones who love you.
9. Words of comfort from the ones who love you are never intended to harm you.
10. Always run to those who love you.
11. Your circumstances in life are not an excuse for your behavior.
12. Wisdom does not come with age.
13. Understanding comes with a level of respect.
14. It's okay to leave when people push you away.
15. Under no circumstance should you ever say something because it will help you in that moment and only in that moment.
16. Feeling hurt when paired together with acceptance of loss brings a comfortable amount of peace.
17. You are allowed to blame yourself for things. Just don't believe it.
18. Always communicate what you want and what you need from someone. Do that even when they are not listening, at least you can say you did your part.
19.The words "best friends" are cursed for me.
20. Life is too short for being "too little".
21. Love even when love has let you down because it is the people that you love that disappoints you, not love.
22. There is strength in continuing to love even when you are broken and gasping.
23. Not everyone wants your love, it's okay, you can give it to someone else who wants it.
24. It is okay to mourn for people who left. They were important.
25. Always fight for what and who you love. Don't let your regrets be losing them because you were too scared to fight. Fight.

From Friend Requests and Obligations

It started off with a friend request, or rather an obligation to someone who was important to us. Neither one of us wanted or needed this friendship. Again, obligation fueled the conversations and replies. I remember my introduction went along the lines of mentioning my dislike for peas. She replied very quickly and I wasn't expecting that. Small talk became even smaller and naturally the conversation ended.

The next time I started talking to her, it felt like a well oiled engine being put to work again. Replies were falling in place and I believe this is when the friendship really began. We met for the first time when I went to visit her. She was smaller than I imagined, kinder with a much bigger heart than what she gives herself credit for. I remember the experience to be surreal and I had a small moment of depersonalization because she didn't feel real - none of it felt real.

I couldn't write about her more than I would like to. I am a visual person. I notice the creases on people's face when they laugh, the vein bulging out when they are stressed, the way their eyes light up when they are surprised or happy. I don't remember the details of how her expression looks like. However, I'd recognize her voice anywhere.

I didn't think it was possible to care someone you have not met. I didn't believe simply trusting someone was good enough to build a proper friendship even when you have not met them. I was wrong. I learn to build a safe house, a bomb shelter with the thousands and thousands of messages and voice clips we have exchanged. I memorized her laughter, her groans and sometimes, her nothings. I have seen her hesitation, confusion, worry and joy hidden behind in ellipses, commas and exclamation marks. I have interpreted internal conflicts and contradicting paradoxes in different wavelengths. Sometimes I see her pain and her desperation to make sense of the circumstances of her life in between sentences of rage and anguish.

In a sea of inside jokes and harmless flirting, there is a mutual understanding and respect. It is the tone of the entire relationship. There is also a love that I did not expect to develop. It is behind every cracked hello when the other is crying, every "why are you so far away" and every "you bitch". I didn't expect the joy that came with talking to her even though most of the conversations start with her being sleepy. 

It is hard to find friends who consistently care about you during all of the times. She is Patience herself when it came to dealing my inability to think rationally when it came to Cassandra, even when it was (unconsciously on my side) at her expense. She is Peace when I was crippled in bed, sobbing and in pain. She is Hope when taking my own life seemed like the better option. I have done nothing to deserve of all these. There's a quote by Graham Greene that says,

"It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love."

I have so much love for this human being. It is puzzling to feel something as overwhelming as this, especially when it's not romantic but I do. There is a joy that I can't explain when I think of her company. I am entirely grateful for her and I can't wait to see her again in a month.

Birthdays.

There's a reason why I love birthdays. It is another beginning, another point of life where you are reminded that you have another chance. I will celebrate your birthdays, I will be happy for you that you have another chance at everything in life. I will be happy that you are still alive, even if there are days where you wish you weren't.

For someone who suffers from depression, I am sure optimistic about having hope especially when it is about someone else.

Breaking my own promise.

I promised myself that I wouldn't talk about her anymore, that I would stop dedicating words to her,  words she will never read. Then, it became evident to me that there were imprints of her everywhere. I see it in my stories, my poems, my conversations and even in my reaction towards a new friend. I swore to never talk about her again but she's everywhere.

When I see the word best friend anywhere, my mind still goes to her even though she no longer holds the title. The feeling of this is like a recovering alcoholic seeing a sign pointing to a bar. Their first instinct tells them to go in and order a drink. Then, their senses come to them and they have to consciously convince themselves to walk away because going in will not help them in any way.

Time and time again, my mind will unconsciously remember the good times that we had, which triggered a lot of the bad memories. I would usually stop myself from going down to memory lane but sometimes, I would allow myself a short stroll and everytime without fail, I will end up missing her.

We don't talk anymore. It's horrible because now, even our small talk is awkward. We couldn't get two sentences out with that gaping feeling between us. And every time she talks to me, I wonder if she misses me. I never understood how people can just go around pretending like they never once knew everything about this person. I never understood how they manage to put away all these memories and information like it never mattered. 

There was a quote that I saw on tumblr, I don't remember it exactly but it goes along those lines, "He always photographed the thing that he loved but he never took a photo of me". I was in a lot of her photos before. Back then, I will always be somewhere in the picture. Now, you can't even tell that we're friends. I was happy then. Spending time with her was nice, I could talk to her about anything and she always made me laugh. She kept me calm, she kept me sane. She was my own sun. Was. Now, I can't remember what her laugh sounds like. 

I would like to think that she was using me because believing that is less painful than to believe that I just wasn't relevant anymore. However, as much as I don't want to believe it, I know that at some point, I did mean something to her and she really did loved me. My judgement about people hasn't failed me yet. So, up until some point, she really was my friend. My only mistake was to believe that that will never change. 

I stop telling people the details of our friendship. It used to be long, detailed paragraphs of stories. Now I replace those stories with "We don't talk anymore" and "I don't know, she never responded and I gave up eventually". I stop telling the stories because relieving the memories bring me pain. I no longer see the reason to put myself through it anymore.  I'd like to think that she doesn't care because it will help me move on from this. However, I saw a quote that says this, "There are two reasons why people don't talk about things, either it doesn't mean anything to them or it means everything". I don't know which one is she.

I think, among all the friends that I've made over the years, I will always love her the most. I mean, how can I still, after everything? But I do, I still do.

Love in Slow Motion.

I like watching people who are in love. I like how they light up at the name of the other. I like how they unconsciously break into a smile when they talk about this significant person. I like the way they blush and get gibberish. It is as if they're trying to squeeze all the sunshine, rainbows and good intentions of this person into one sentence. Obviously, you cannot contain a person's being into a sentence. So, they morph paragraphs and paragraphs of adoration into a never ending sentence, stitched together with commas and hyphens.

I have a friend who recently fell in love. I spend a lot of time listening to her talk about the details of her relationship. I didn't mind. I understand that she couldn't help it so I never stopped her from talking about it. Slowly, I found out that I learnt a lot about this guy that I only spoke to for about four times. I learnt that he likes to write letters. I learnt that he is very patient. I learnt that he likes burgers. I learnt that he was in love with her.

Maybe it's the way that his name rolls off her tongue like sweet honey. Maybe it's the way he purses his lips together and smiles after he says her name. Maybe it's the way both their gazes are so gentle but sure that it makes you want to look away. I asked her if she loves him. She hesitantly said yes, as if admitting would put her at a losing side. She always had doubt perched on her shoulders, feeding her the tale that she wasn't good enough. Sometimes I do wonder why people run from the things that they want. I also realize that they run faster when it is within reach or when they are already holding it.

She doesn't see the way that he looks at her, especially when she is embarrassed. I think that was the look of amusement and fondness. She is going to kill me for using the word "fond". She doesn't know about the way that he talks about her when she's not around. She doesn't know about the way that he waits for her. I saw him sitting on the sideway from the side of the road. His silhouette showed his hunched body and both his hands are clasped together with his elbows resting on his knees. He would turn to look if someone came down the stairs. He was a manifestation of calm waters and swooshing sea waves on a Saturday night. He simply sat there and waited, without any sign of impatience and anxiousness.

I believe that it is very beautiful to fall in love slowly. It is like reading a book. You get to slowly uncover secrets and stories that only that book can tell. The best part about reading a book that you already like is that you accept everything that the book throws at you. Just like everything else, you will always get one part that you don't particularly like. The most amazing thing about loving someone is that you don't try to fix them. You either readjust yourself to them or you both compromise.

I am not the best person to discuss what love is or what it is supposed to be. I have a very pessimistic view on things as vague and abstract as this. Maybe because of this, I am not often very happy. However, despite the fact that I refuse to open myself up to emotions, I am particularly drawn to genuine interactions and "in the moment" reactions. I remember how she hunches her shoulder and hides behind her left hand when she first talked about him. I remember how he panicked when "I" asked him why he didn't celebrate her birthday with her.

I am not a happy person because of the things that I refuse to believe in but I believe that it is possible to love and be loved, because I have seen it.

Day 2 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Who was the last person you texted? Write a five line poem to that person.

Abigail Harris.

You are one of the most responsible person that I've ever met.
I don't know you well but we get along,
I think it's loving of you to stay with your family when they need you.
We don't see a lot of that, especially in youths and young adults.
I hope we remain friends, really, I think we would.

Love letters.

I'm sorry I can't write you a love letter.
No, I don't mean "those" letters.
You know, the ones that involve words like,
You and I, forever, house, children, mortgages,
and occasionally, your parents suck.
Love letters, the type I meant were
the ones where you tell them about a place that you went to
because they love the color red.
Then, you'd tell them about the person that you met recently
and how this person's laugh is similar to theirs.
Letters where profanities and insults were the language of endearment,
and I think, it will probably end with,
"Dude, text me. Why are you writing?"
Letters like these are never long,
sometimes they are a beautifully sculpted essay, using words such as,
flamboyant, combust, dynamic, serendipity.
Sometimes they are a random string of words, like
pizza, hippopotamus, Herbie, smelly, you.
Another thing about these letters is that
it made sense either way because it was written to you,
only you,
with love.

I can't write love letters anymore.
The last person I wrote to stopped talking to me,
and now, I am writing this to you
after deleting 290 photos of me and her at 3 in the morning.
I am not a person who is good with speech, or affection
or love, or relationships.
The only thing that allows me to properly explain the things that I feel
is a pen and paper.
Therefore, love letters, they are a manifestation of everything that I am afraid to say and
even everything that I refuse to say.
When I write to you,
no other thoughts but you will occupy my mind.
You will be my sole muse, my inspiration until the very last word
which is where I sign "Love, Tryphena"
I would use words to paint you like a picture, in hopes that
you would understand how I see you as a human being.
I have a knack for seeing things about people that are not noticed by many,
I'll tell you how you always keep your arms close to your body,
like somehow, you are trying to make yourself smaller or to preserve body heat.
I'll tell you how you always smile differently in pictures, especially the ones taken with me.
I'll tell you that people love you and you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't.
I'll tell you how you always change the topic to something else when it's a question that you didn't want to answer.
Then, to make things worse,
I'll tell you how different I am when I am with you.
I'll give you examples, references, citations, everything to show
how your existence is so important to me.
I'll tell you that you're the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep.
I'll tell you that I am comfortable with you, even when we're both in decade-old PJs.
I'll tell you that I check your "last seen" on whatsapp when I couldn't sleep.
I'll tell you that I never stopped loving you.

If I write you a love letter,
I am giving you my heart, my self-esteem, my self-worth on a silver platter.
If I write you a love letter,
you are given the ability to crush me into a million pieces in the time span that ranges from one millisecond,
to three years,
or more, your choice.
If I write you a love letter,
I am exposing myself to you in a way
that I later will suffer maximum damage from
if you ever plan on killing me.
If I write you a love letter,
I won't be able to take any of it back if you chose to leave,
and I will be left here with all the words that I ever wrote to you,
stuck in the back of my throat.

In spite of this,
if I write you a love letter,
you should know that I must really really love you.

Her, proving me wrong, as always.

Once in a while, you come across a picture that render you speechless and all you want to do is stare and marvel. Then, you realize that it is entirely possible to fall in love with a picture. It also helps if you know the person in the picture. Pictures capture expressions and highlights certain features of someone that you don't see normally. Up until now, all I can do is gawk at this picture.

The first thought that came across my mind is "Oh, wow, she looks gorgeous." And then, I couldn't stop staring. Since she's looking directly at the camera, it made me feel awkward and I had to look away. I debated with myself because it's a picture and I can stare all I want. I still can't because.. simply because.

Her eyes captured my attention. She is one of my best friends. She has been for the last 10 years or so. I love her completely and unconditionally. Thing is she looks absolutely amazing in photographs and pictures. It is in random times like these where you really really see person clearly and what you see just throws you off because you get blown away. It's like you're seeing them for the very first time.

I have lots of moments where I know that I couldn't love this girl more than I already do. It's always random, like the way she smiles or the way her eyes are when she smiles. I don't get to see her as often as I would want to because I'm away for my studies. When I do see her, she would literally be bae (before anyone else). She reminds me to hope and to love. On top of that, she is literally the only person where I don't shun from when she is being affectionate. That's something I realize only tonight. For example, she would want to hold my hand and I would let her. For those who know me, I would shake it off. If it's her, I wouldn't mind, or at least I don't shake it off.

I thought I literally wouldn't be able to love her more than I already do but she proves me wrong, every single time.

Ugh, too much feels. Again, I obviously don't know how to love or deal with affection. As my mum said, I don't react well to any form of affection or let anyone love me, which means I don't love a lot of people. Gonna stop now before I bring up falling in love with people and life.

Bye.

All I can say when I look at the picture is still "Omg..".

A good dream about you.

I dreamt of you last night.

You had bangs again and your hair was shorter just like when we first met.

Things were already different in the dream, 

it was like an exact replica of reality but

the only difference is that we're talking in my dream.

You asked me if I want to go crab fishing with you.

I very very happily agreed to. 

The time was set as present time, present day.

Again, the only difference is that 

we're at the same place at the same time,

You still smelled the same, the odd combination of perfume and cigarettes.

Your hair still did that same thing where it danced in the wind.

I still remember how you always grabbed your hair when it fell into your eyes,

then you'd crinkle your eyes as it tickles your nose.

We recalled another inside joke and

you laughed.

I can still remember it being so loud, vibrant and 

I was so aware that it was a dream that I didn't want to blink.

I was afraid if I opened my eyes again, this dream was over. 

My eyes dilated so much due to the lack of blinking,

I was trying to memorize everything that was happening

because I knew it wasn't real, it wasn't real.

When I woke up, I was in tears. 

I painfully pulled myself away from the remaining memories of the dream

just like how you try to pick glass pieces from your skin. 

You can't really get all of the shards, so you just take your time.

I spent all morning, trying to forget you again.

The process of this became more of a habit but it doesn't make it hurt less.

Now I am stuck with the best parts of the dream and I don't know how to forget it. 

I hear your laughter ring in my ear, I hear your voice, god, I'd still drop everything for you.

You know what's the worse part?

The worse part is that I am sitting here, writing about you,

just like I did over the last 2 years. 

I thought I will never write about you ever again

but here I am, sitting in front of my blog,

writing an article, a blog post, a poem, about you,

Another bad thing that comes with this is that

I will spend the entire day missing you.

On being happy? I guess.

I have people tell me that,
I am one of the happiest people that they have ever met
I laugh a lot, I smile also, they say.
Funny, because I feel like I am anything else
but, that.
I guess it's a compliment?
I started to focus on myself more, call me selfish
but it helps me with "loving myself more".
They are right, especially when it comes to that.
When you love yourself, everyone else can go fuck themselves.
At least, that's what I try to live by.

There are days where I still feel you linger in my thoughts,
my dreams, in conversations that I have
and sometimes, in little things that I do daily.
I think I still hold you dear and I will still call you babe.
On the other hand, I wish to scream at you,
to make you regret every name that you ever called me,
for making me feel inferior,
for making me beg you, with all the apologies that I could say in a breath,
for making me believe that I indeed a horrible person,
for making me believe that I was never worthy of trust, or love.
You made me believe that no one needed me
and I believed every word.

I still have those messages.
I can still hear you screaming at me on the phone.
I took your pictures down a few months ago.
I tucked them away, somewhere deep in my drawers.
Give me a few more months,
maybe I'll be able to burn them then.

On being alone

It's weird though. It's like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to fit in or belong anywhere. Take today as an example, it was sports' carnival and of course, you go on the bus and do everything as a group and without fail, I always seem to be the odd one that has to sit with a stranger. It's not like I mind, it's just it's be nice, you know, to sit with a friend.

And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.

I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.

I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.

I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.

I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.

I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.

Oh well. Till next time.

People encounters: Guy with the "gay" side in books

He is a friend of a friend. Jock with the body to prove it. He is all snapback caps, varsity jackets, hoodies and converse shoes. He is about my height, which isn't really tall but he was nice and polite which makes up for that. He would crack jokes that everyone gets and laugh at your jokes even if it sucked. For someone that is considered good looking, he is really really nice and that is rare.

We went to a bookstore to wait for a few friends who were going to join us. I expected it to be weird to hang out with him and these bunch of people because I wasn't close with any of them. I know them and they know me but that was it. I expect a lot of awkwardness, especially with him because I am here with him , alone.

We carpooled to come here, the driver left. I am bad with small talk, I run out of things to ask. I essentially end up asking when their birthday is. It really weird. He made it easy. I have always thought that people hated me and they have better things to do, better people to see. It was weird to see him enjoying my company.

We walked from bookstore to bookstore, gossiping about one of our classmates on the way to the other. He was surprisingly honest and sincere about his emotions. He is the first guy ever to tell me that he felt hurt after an incident. We connected. I showed him my favorite book on the bookstore's computer and now I am going to lend it to him on Monday. He showed me his favorite kind of books.

"I'm a little gay when it comes to books", he said.

I told him it's okay, it's nice to see people's sensitive side. I also said that I like seeing guys who read, it tells you a lot about them. They have more patience ans they listen more and are more accepting of what is not of their own. His book choices are very much influenced by his mother. I am surprised at how open he is, especially about emotions. Again, according to the books that he reads, I can almost picture that side of him that is not displayed for the public.

It was a nice afternoon. I feel like myself when I hang out with him. It was easy, something that I have't felt in a while.

Day 2 of 30 challenge: Who/what can’t you live without? Explain.

Mine is more of a who instead of a what. I mean, things are replaceable, people are not.

1. My family

 I honestly don't know where I will be without them.

My dad reminds me that life is not easy and you have to really work to be and make something of yourself. My dad used to be a pastor and yeah, we had a really hard life. It sucked to be looked down at, to be rejected by your peers and basically to not fit it. I sucked so bad. I used to blame my dad for being a pastor. At some times, I still do but again, I won't take anything back.

I am happy that everything I went through made me a stronger person. I became opinionated, strong-willed, insightful, sympathizing and very very determined in many ways. I love my dad, he is the most hardworking person that I have ever met in my life. My dad is the ultimate definition of survival. I love him.

My mum made me believe that I have a say in things, like my opinion matters, even though she didn't really ask when I was younger. My mum is the definition of tenacity. She fights, she shot across whatever life threw at her like a rocket that was launched towards space. She took everything head on.

My mum is one of the strongest women I have ever met. She used to care about what people think because she had to. When she was given a chance to not give a shit, she really did not give a shit. It was amazing to see it but it kinda killed me to see people being mean to her. It was a thing at her workplace, another long story. My mum loves my brothers and I. She would kill anyone who hurt us. I can see that and I wished I saw it sooner.

My brothers: Aaron and Joshua.

Aaron, he turned 18 just 10 days ago. He is my best friend and he's lame. He knows what I like and what I hate. I know him also. I know how he is. I know almost everything about him. I know his habits and his tactics when it comes to annoying me. He is very sensitive, he tends to not want to bother people unnecessarily. He stands his ground but compromises when he needs to. We used to fight A LOT. Now we're very close. When I was younger, I used to wish that he would die. Now I regret it, heh. I was such a horrible sister to him. I regret everything.

He loves me, no, he doesn't say it. Our family is not the type that announces "I LOVE YOU", we show it. For example, he would call me if I wasn't back home by 1am. When I asked why, he said that he's afraid that I was in trouble and couldn't call. I love him, I would do anything for him. I am teaching what is right and wrong slowly because he won't listen to my parents. At least though, he listens to me. My proudest moment as his sister is when his best friend asked me questions about him and I could answer every single one like a reflex.

Joshua, he is just a bowl of sunshine and laughter mixed together with very very mature and sharp senses. he is 8 and being in a family where everyone is literally above 18, makes him literally the baby. He is very independent and linguistic for his age. He talks like an adult and I secretly think that he is an old soul. He is very lame, he got that from his older brother. He is the only expressive one in the family because he was given the opportunity to. He loves me and he shows it. He counts down to the day that I come home from university.

It's a different relationship with him when compared to the older one because this is a kid. I watched him grow up, instead of growing up with him. He is a sensitive boy and might come off as a pushover because he doesn't like conflicts and tends to just compromise. I will teach him to stand his ground and not be a pushover. I will teach him how to treat girls and how to love. I will teach him everything that I have learn in the last 20 years of my life. I will teach him to appreciate the art of language and words. I will teach him that life is a masterpiece waiting to happen, even in times of pain and troubles.

2. My best friend, Francine.
She is surprisingly the only one who is ever honest with me. She is the only who picked up whenever I called at times that I was breaking down. She is the one that I can sit in silence with and it's not awkward. I can talk to her about anything. She showed me what friends are really for and what it mean to be a friend to someone. She showed me how to laugh, how to smile, how to look for the little things in life, how to be strong and how to keep going. She gave me strength. I doubt her sometimes because my mind is never in the right state for anything, hence, the cutting. Even when I doubt her, I still had the faith and the hope to trust her and to believe in her, it IS something because usually I just push people away.

She is the first person that I can have proper conversations about sex with. She makes me laugh, she understands my lame sense of humor. She gets me and it's amazing to have that. I love how I smile when I'm around her. I love how I am me when I am with her. She's a stupid motherfucker and I mean it in the most loving way. She is like a sister that I never had. She is like level 1 if I ever get a boyfriend. She will be the first person I talk to if there is anything major happening in my life. She is part of my everything. I love her, I know she will never read this so she doesn't know how much I am really grateful to have ever met her and how much I love her. Like, I will kill anyone that hurts her. I can write an autobiography about her like I would my family, but I won't. Not now.

tumblr musings #10

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.

Love, unconditional.

There are all sorts of love in this world. The one that I'll focus on now is the unconditional kind, the kind that will always make you care no matter what. It's the kind that you know will never change, just the way you show it.

It is mature but knowing when to laugh at the childish stuff. It is protective but trusting them enough to let them venture out. It is not forceful but you know when to talk senses into them when they make a decision. It is observant but you step in when you need to. It is just loving the person no matter what happens between you two. It is wanting the best for each other, always being there no matter what and just trusting that they won't ever leave you. The most important thing is that they are happy, no matter what. It is a big bet and a big risk, it will hurt at some point but it takes a few cracks while using time as a catalyst to make it stronger.

You can't learn how to love people unconditionally. There is no complete checklists. There are certain traits to it but things and circumstances change so it's not absolute but I assure you that you WILL know when you love someone unconditionally because you feel it.

\

I saw you laughing with them. You were so happy. My eyes lingered on you, I know I will pay for it later which is what I am currently doing. You looked beautiful, big smiles and all. It was a nice scene to witness. I gave myself a small smile. Yep, definitely feel it coming. It was worth it, I guess. 

And I looked away.

Random quiz, my favorite :) Ignore the numbers, I copied it from tumblr.

Personal
1-How are you? 
I am very good

2-Post a picture of yourself.

3-Do you ever wish you were someone else? 
When I was younger, yes but now, no.

4-What is your entire name?
Tryphena Chin Xiao Huey

5-How old are you?
20

6-Age you get mistaken for:
Never really mistaken, I look like my age

7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:
Taurus is my original one, I am like Taurus

8-What did you do on your last birthday?
I went rock climbing

9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?
Lose like 10-20 pounds

10-What is your hair color?
At the moment dark brown with maroon highlights

11-Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yup, that's why I have maroon highlights

12-What is your eye color?
Close to black but not black

13-If you could change your eye color, would you?
Greyish-green

14-Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Yes to both

18-Do you have any tattoos?
Nope

19-Do you have any piercings?
Yeah, but they closed up

20-Left or right handed?
Right

21-What’s your sexual orientation?
Don't really believe in labels

22-Do you drink?
Yeah, socially

23-Do you smoke?
Yeah, socially

24-Do you have any pets?
My baby, Chowder. He's a dog :)

25-Where do you work?
At a grocery store at where I live

26-Something you are working on right now:
Yeah, me

27-Do you have any “rules” about food?
If you like it, eat.

28-Where are you from?
Sabah yo!

29-What would you say is your best quality?
I am loyal

30-What do you think you’re really good at?
Talking and eating

31-What do you think you’re really bad at?
Planting and whistling

33-Are you a bad person?
I would like to think that I am sometimes

34-Are you nice to everyone?
Usually

36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
yep!

37-What is your ideal bed? Why?
Something bigger than a single bed with a lot of fluffy pillows and nice soft blankets. Then I can make a fort

38-Did you wake up cranky?
Not all the time, depends on the day

39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
Yes, Wobbly!

40-What do you think about the most?
When do I get to eat? What to eat?

42-What you want to be when you “get older”?
TV Host, interviewer, somewhere along that lines

43-What are your career goals?
I just want do to what I like

44-What is your ideal career?
Ellen Degeneres' job and Oprah (but she finished her show)

45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Nope, I was happier but then again, I don't regret where I am now

46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
All the time

47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
nay

48-Say 10 facts about your room:
I have quotes and lyrics painted on my walls. I have a double decker. My little brother stays in my room while I'm away. I have wooden looking floors. I have tiled floors on the other side of my room. It's air-conditioned. It really should have a fan in it. I love my room, it's my refuge. I have guitars in my room. I also have my first radio that I bought with my own money back when I was 12.

49-Do you have any phobias?
heights and snakes

50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
Yeah, I am currently seeing one

51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
Nay

52-Ever broken any bones?
Nope

53-Ever come close to death?
Nope

60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this?
Yes and I found it so I dont have to answer that LOL

61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
yes

62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
grounded

63-A quote you try to live by:
People love differently, just because they don't love you the same way that you love, doesn't mean that they don't love you.

64-A famous person you’ve been compared to:
None, actually. I would be like Jennifer Lawrence maybe

65-Weird things you do when you’re alone:
I don't talk and when I do, I scare myself

66-Something you do without realising:
I run my fingers through my hair so much that I think I'm going to go bald from it

68-Someone you’d like to be for a day and why:
My best friend, I need answers.

69-Leave me a compliment:
Hi, you're beautiful today!

Favorites

70-What is your favorite thing to do?
Eat, chill with people, film stuff

71-What’s your favorite color?
Forever and always, blue

73-What’s your favorite movie?
Perks of being a wallflower and Alice in Wonderland

74-What are your favorite books?
Harry Potter series, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Diary of Anne Frank

75-What is your favorite quote and why?
We accept the love we think we deserve, because of experience

76-What is your favorite word?
lovely

77-What is your least favorite word?
fine

78-What is your favorite type of food?
I eat almost everything but I love chicken enough to say that it stands out

79-You favorite ice cream?
Vanilla 

80-What’s your favorite animal?
Dogs, foxes

81-Dogs or cats?
Dogs

82-Describe your favorite texture:
That texture that be felt on very smooth skin, like it's very smooth but you know that there's really fine hair there

83-What is your favorite flower?
Don't like flowers so it doesn't matter

84-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?
That shampoo smell, not a perfume or cologne type. Doesn't matter

85-What is your favorite season?
I have only experienced summer but I'll say summer

86-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
New York, Los Angeles, Barcelona, Sydney and Rome

87-What are four things you can’t live without and why?
Food, because I will die.. and I love it too much to ever give it up.
My laptop, there's so much you cannot do without one
Books, I love to read
Pen, there's that satisfying feeling or writing something down

88-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why?
Not into mythological creatures..

89-What’s your favorite television show?
Glee

90-Favorite place to shop at?
Don't have a preferred place. I am of limited wealth and my body type doesn't help

91-Say 2 facts about your favorite things:
My guitar reminds me that music isn't only about singing. A pen reminds me that I am in control of words and where it goes.

Friends

106-Would you ever smile at a stranger?
yes, I have done it a lot of times

107-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
No preferences but it would be nice to have a balance

108-Who is someone you never tire of?
Francine, so far she's the only one

109-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Francine, Ling Jin and Harman. Funny how some names just appear and some just stay on

110-Who is your most loyal friend?
Ling Jin

111-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Yes

112-If your best friend died, what would you do?
I wouldn't want to imagine, I would die too

113-Something you’ve lied about.
A lot of things

114-Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes

115-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):
She loves purples. She loves raves but she likes to read. She's like Belle with a strong sense of real adventure. She loves cats and she's like one too. I think I am losing her, I think it's just me but it seems like she doesn't need me anymore.

Relationships

116-The last person you hugged?
Liyana

117-Story of your first kiss?
LOL, it scared me and I didn't expect it

118-Do you like kissing in public?
I don't mind

119-Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
LOL yes

120-You have a preference for boys or girls?
They are both fine but girls smell so much better

121-Is the male or female body closest to perfection?
Female for sho!

127-What is the first thing you noticed in someone?
Their smile

128-Are looks important in a relationship?
To me, they are not

129-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Straight teeth

130-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I prefer someone older but not more than 3 years

131-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
Yeah

133-Do you have a crush on anyone?
Yes

134-A description of the girl/boy you like:
He's a gentleman, he is intelligent, he is literally everything I want in a guy

135-Say 1 fact about the person you like:
Gentleman

136-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
You like her right? Go after her

137-When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
I said that a lot of times but to mean it when I say it, it's quite some time ago

138-Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I don't know

139-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
My little brother maybe

140-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Yes

141-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yes, still a painful memory

142-Anyone you’re giving up on?
Yep, gave up already

143-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yeahh

144-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
HAHAHAHAH everyone had something against my first boyfriend

145-Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
My first boyfriend was one

146-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
yes but I didn't know if they meant it

147-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
yes

148-Is there someone you will never forget?
yes

153-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
They sent me a card for my birthday and I didn't expect them to remember

154-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
He bought me jellybeans which I haven't eaten, gave me sweets and a plush koala bear

157-Are you in love?
I wouldn't say that I am

158-Are you in a relationship?
Nope

159-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
skip

160-Are relationships ever worth it?
depends, for me, it depends

161-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
I don't know

162-Can you commit to one person?
yes, it's my best quality

163-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
HAHAHAHA yes 

164-Do you ever want to get married?
yes

165-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
Don't know

167-Do you get jealous easily?
Not sure

168-The last time you felt jealous, and why?
because I used to be important

169-What is your definition of cheating?
When you have to delete messages to avoid your SO from seeing them, you're on the way there

170-Have you ever been cheated on?
no

171-Do you forgive betrayal?
Not usually

172-Have you ever cheated on someone?
Nay

173-Why did your last relationship fail?
because of trust issues and I was young and foolish

174-Things you want to say to an ex:
We clarified a lot of things when we last talked. 

175-A description of the person you dislike the most:
I don't particularly dislike anyone 

176-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
If I still love them, yes

177-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
I have had two boyfriend before

178-How long was your longest relationship?
5 years on and off

179-You’ll love me if…
I change..?

180-Share a relationship story:
My first boyfriend used to cook for me. He was my best friend. He made me laugh, made me smile. he wasn't the best but he was good enough for me. When it ended, I was so angry at him for so many things. When I talked to him recently, the three hours were used to travel down memory lane where we relieve old jokes and laughs. Then, he told me he really loved me when he dated me and I have always thought that he was playing me all these time after. It was a better "I hope you have a good life" after the talk. I will always have a best friend in him.

Music, movies and books

181-How often do you listen to music?
Whenever I feel like it

182-What kind of music you like?
Acoustic, bands

183-Do you like to dance?
yeah, I enjoy it

185-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yes

186-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park

187-A song that’s been stuck in your head:
It's been peaceful in my head lately

188-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:
6 Months - Hey Monday
Give Love a Try - Jonas Brothers
Body Count - Justin Timberlake
Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears
Without You - Usher and David Guetta
How to be a Heart breaker - Glee Cover
Apologize - One Republic
Firework - Katy Perry
The Little Things - Colbie Calliat
Runnin' Around - Colbie Calliat

189-A book you want to read/have recently read:
I don't have the mood to read yet

190-Describe your dream library:
Non-fiction, autobiographies, fiction

191-Last movie you just watched:
But I'm a Cheerleader

192- what type of movies do you like watching?
"Based on true story", realistic, non-action movies, comedies

Situations and crazy things

193-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
my wrist

194-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?
Killing someone accidentally

195-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
Peter Pan

196-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?
My Parents

197-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
The way I reacted to thins

198-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
Potassium, it would be so easy to reply people with a K.

199-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
year 2012

200-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
Big ass sword, "We fight!"

201-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
Lots of rollercoasters and race tracks with a lot of water rides

202-What is the first curse word that comes to mind?
fuck

203-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…
Wow... I don't remember going to a party.. That's sad

204-Halloween costume idea?
Zombie, Peter Pan or Mulan

205-How you’d spend ten thousand bucks?
Go shopping with my family

206-Press ctrl+v and post:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971611_10151464977507781_29028348_n.jpg

207-Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why.
Someone that I love, then it'll be like a very very long date

208-5 things within touching distance:
Mouse, speakers, contact lens liquid, Apollo strawberry layer cakes, room key

209-A drunken story:
Almost went further than intended with one of my close friends who is a girl

210-What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing, exams are over

211-Currently wanting to see anyone?
I would love to

212-Why you follow me?
who are you?

213-If you met me what would you do?
I am sure you are nice, I'll talk

214-Leave me a ridiculous question:
Do you wash your underwear yourself?

215-Leave me a cute message:
Hi lovely, hope your day was well

tumblr musings #6: friendships

“I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.”

Highlight of the month.

The is perhaps the highlight of the month for me. It's like an inside joke but I would like to share it.

So last night, Francine was telling how gained weight and how she has a double chin now. So she sort of like do the "double chin" face.

I asked her, "How many chins do you have?"

She said, "Two," pointing to the double layers of skin and fat under her actual chin.

I said, with a big grin on my face, "Two chins." Then, I pointed at myself, "One," and I pointed at Tim, "Two."

She just looked at me, completely baffled and she burst out laughing and I was laughing so hard too. It was a really good lame joke, in my opinion.

The joke is that both Tim and my last name is Chin. So, it's sort of like pun joke.

Made my day :) Doesn't happen often but it's nice when things like this happens.

Oh, we're going to watch Insidious 2. Die.

I sense my anxiety levels slowly rising. The red light in my head says “DANGER! CAUTION!” and the green light says “Run!”. I am afraid of the past repeating but running will not help me see that it belongs in the past. 

She’s smiling and she’s happy. I am happy for her because I know she would be happy for me too. She was smiling so big, it's nice to see this side of people. It is oddly comforting. Despite everything before, I know this time it will be different 

because I won't let the past make me fear 

because 

because  

because when the red light in my head flashed, I didn't run.

Angels on earth

And I started crying after reading this.

I know exactly who this person is in my life :)