The most frustrating part about having depression is when everything is going right, like absolutely everything is in your favor, you still feel your chest caving, you still want to die. When you explain it to other people who don't understand depression, they will tell you to stop thinking so much or to do something to take your mind off it.
They don't understand it. I am not thinking about anything. It could just be the beginning of the day. I would have literally just opened my eyes at the sound of my alarm. The feeling of a black hole in my chest will be there. There is no reason for it. Depression has triggers but at most times, they don't have a reason to be there. It's there and there's really nothing to do about it.
Then, to the "do something to take your mind off it", I can't. Like I've said, it's there. I could be sitting in bed, playing Pokemon or eating my lunch at a five star restaurant. I will still feel that cyclone of weariness and hopeless. It is there without needing you to acknowledging its presence. You just wake up with the hollow emptiness in your chest and the dread of the possibilities of the rest of the day.
I have woken up at times, unable to get out of bed because my body hurts. It is not the physical pain that immobilized me. I want to slit my wrists and bleed to death. I want to jump in front of a moving car and get run over. I want to feel pills going down my throat. I genuinely want to die. Now imagine someone's fist being shoved into your chest, then they continue to squirm around, twisting and turning. The place where your heart is supposed to be is replaced with a hurricane of pain, hopelessness and emptiness. You feel the blood draining from your face, your fingers, basically your whole body. You are left there, numb. You can hear the hum of silence in the air echoing in your room. You can almost hear the rise of fall of your chest as you breathe. With that, your brain just amplifies the feeling of sadness and hopelessness. You basically lose whenever you try fight with this.
So, to those who dismisses depression as an excuse for anything, fuck you. I woke up, got out of bed and went through life with ALL OF THOSE going on with me. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. You can go fuck yourselves.
We are fighters. We fight for our own lives. We fight to be alive.
Showing posts with label everyday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label everyday. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, June 20, 2014
Greatest achievement of the day: 20/6/14
I am sitting here, listening to "This is What It Feels Like", W&W's remix of Armin's song while eating a quart of yogurt.
It's weird how painful breathing is. Everything just feels heavy. Even though it's painful, I also feel numb. My heart hurts but somehow my mutilated wrist didn't contribute to that. I can't remember half the things I've said or done. It sucks, it really does.
Greatest achievement of the day: I got up from bed, walked out of my dorm and went to get a drink and yogurt for dinner. It's pathetic as dinner but it's something because if I didn't force myself to get up, I'll just stay there till the next day.
Seeing that I can barely type out a proper sentence without zoning out after every word, I'll leave it until next time.
I have absolutely no hope left in me. A car would hit me and I wouldn't care but because of this, I am still here.
It's weird how painful breathing is. Everything just feels heavy. Even though it's painful, I also feel numb. My heart hurts but somehow my mutilated wrist didn't contribute to that. I can't remember half the things I've said or done. It sucks, it really does.
Greatest achievement of the day: I got up from bed, walked out of my dorm and went to get a drink and yogurt for dinner. It's pathetic as dinner but it's something because if I didn't force myself to get up, I'll just stay there till the next day.
Seeing that I can barely type out a proper sentence without zoning out after every word, I'll leave it until next time.
I have absolutely no hope left in me. A car would hit me and I wouldn't care but because of this, I am still here.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Never home.
I didn't know what was wrong actually,
like, I was fine but I was sad?
I spend the whole afternoon, busying myself,
trying to avoid something, feeling something.
Then again, the whole afternoon was spent on "damn feels" short films.
I didn't know what was going on
or rather, I didn't want to know what was going on.
That was until no one was free to hang out with me,
then I realize that I felt lonely.
The people I asked to hang out weren't free,
so, I just sat in my room, trying to find something to do.
The urge to edit family photos that were long overdue were strong,
so that's what I did.
Being lonely has never felt this painful in a long time.
What struck a nerve was a picture of my little brother.
I didn't realize how much I missed him because I told myself that I don't.
Scrolling through all of the photos is really not a good idea,
I end up breaking down and yeah, crying.
I've always wanted to go home,
I just didn't realize that until now.
I still say, "I'm going back," whenever I say goodbye to my friends.
Never the word "home".
I only used it when I was flying back, to home.
I guess, I was never home after all,
I was only back in my room
but never home.
like, I was fine but I was sad?
I spend the whole afternoon, busying myself,
trying to avoid something, feeling something.
Then again, the whole afternoon was spent on "damn feels" short films.
I didn't know what was going on
or rather, I didn't want to know what was going on.
That was until no one was free to hang out with me,
then I realize that I felt lonely.
The people I asked to hang out weren't free,
so, I just sat in my room, trying to find something to do.
The urge to edit family photos that were long overdue were strong,
so that's what I did.
Being lonely has never felt this painful in a long time.
What struck a nerve was a picture of my little brother.
I didn't realize how much I missed him because I told myself that I don't.
Scrolling through all of the photos is really not a good idea,
I end up breaking down and yeah, crying.
I've always wanted to go home,
I just didn't realize that until now.
I still say, "I'm going back," whenever I say goodbye to my friends.
Never the word "home".
I only used it when I was flying back, to home.
I guess, I was never home after all,
I was only back in my room
but never home.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
FINISHED - Challenge Day 8: Write: a love poem … for a non traditional item or person
This is a poem for my bed.
I have spent most nights, most afternoons and all morning
huddled in a mountain of pillows and blankets.
Sometimes I hide under the blankets, pretending to be a hiker,
hiding from the cold on Mount Everest.
Sometimes I pretend I'm in a small cave while under this fluffy fort that I made,
hiding from the rest of the world, half convinced that
if I never left, I will be fine.
My three pillows became my fortress from the dark,
my blanket became my invisibility cloak that shield me from reality.
Wobbly, a birthday present when I was 10,
was my loyal friend.
He, yes, it's a he, he loved me
even when I was all snot and tears.
My bed is a place where I made sense of things,
where I pour our my feelings, staining the whole room with it's darkness.
It is where therapy is sleeping and waking up is another chance to change things.
My bed is where I laughed at the most ridiculous jokes,
and come up with most of my paradoxes.
Home was far away, it was out there and out of reach,
I was sad, it wasn't easy being so far away.
Pillows, that have collected most of my tears and dreams during sleepless nights,
became a place where I rest my head when I give in to my thoughts.
Blankets that have so often imitated the arms of a protective lover,
mastered the art of being there and never letting go.
In my loneliness, they have given me comfort and peace
when there were nothing but storms in my head.
Wobbly, in these silent moments, has given me strength
and hope when all seemed lost.
My bed is the island where I sought help, where solitude was happiness
silence became another genre of music as my bed slowly became home.
Every time when I am exhausted, wounded or overjoyed,
I come back to this nest that I build, in which
I have slowly start to accept, as home.
I have spent most nights, most afternoons and all morning
huddled in a mountain of pillows and blankets.
Sometimes I hide under the blankets, pretending to be a hiker,
hiding from the cold on Mount Everest.
Sometimes I pretend I'm in a small cave while under this fluffy fort that I made,
hiding from the rest of the world, half convinced that
if I never left, I will be fine.
My three pillows became my fortress from the dark,
my blanket became my invisibility cloak that shield me from reality.
Wobbly, a birthday present when I was 10,
was my loyal friend.
He, yes, it's a he, he loved me
even when I was all snot and tears.
My bed is a place where I made sense of things,
where I pour our my feelings, staining the whole room with it's darkness.
It is where therapy is sleeping and waking up is another chance to change things.
My bed is where I laughed at the most ridiculous jokes,
and come up with most of my paradoxes.
Home was far away, it was out there and out of reach,
I was sad, it wasn't easy being so far away.
Pillows, that have collected most of my tears and dreams during sleepless nights,
became a place where I rest my head when I give in to my thoughts.
Blankets that have so often imitated the arms of a protective lover,
mastered the art of being there and never letting go.
In my loneliness, they have given me comfort and peace
when there were nothing but storms in my head.
Wobbly, in these silent moments, has given me strength
and hope when all seemed lost.
My bed is the island where I sought help, where solitude was happiness
silence became another genre of music as my bed slowly became home.
Every time when I am exhausted, wounded or overjoyed,
I come back to this nest that I build, in which
I have slowly start to accept, as home.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Day 1 of 30 challenge: What do you regret the most?
This will be something personal to me and I will skim through it.
I regret cutting. I regret starting. I just regret it. If I could go back, I would tell my 14 year old self that everything will be okay and I turned out awesome. Then again, I survived so long because of cutting. I am not sure how I will turn out.. I regret it but I don't think I would change it if I could. It has become a huge part of my past and it shaped me into who I am today and I am pretty proud of how I turned out.
Regretting and wanting to change it is different. I guess, I made peace with this mistake that I have completely accepted it.
No, I wouldn't change it. I don't know who or where I am without these scars etched on my body.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Educate yourself to be happy.
“Do not educate yourself to be rich, educate yourself to be happy. That way when you get older you’ll know the value of things, not the price. In the end, you will come to realize that the best days are the days when you don’t need anything extreme or special to happen to make you smile. You simply appreciate the moments and feel gratitude, seeking nothing else, nothing more.”
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Highlight of the month.
The is perhaps the highlight of the month for me. It's like an inside joke but I would like to share it.
So last night, Francine was telling how gained weight and how she has a double chin now. So she sort of like do the "double chin" face.
I asked her, "How many chins do you have?"
She said, "Two," pointing to the double layers of skin and fat under her actual chin.
I said, with a big grin on my face, "Two chins." Then, I pointed at myself, "One," and I pointed at Tim, "Two."
She just looked at me, completely baffled and she burst out laughing and I was laughing so hard too. It was a really good lame joke, in my opinion.
The joke is that both Tim and my last name is Chin. So, it's sort of like pun joke.
Made my day :) Doesn't happen often but it's nice when things like this happens.
Oh, we're going to watch Insidious 2. Die.
So last night, Francine was telling how gained weight and how she has a double chin now. So she sort of like do the "double chin" face.
I asked her, "How many chins do you have?"
She said, "Two," pointing to the double layers of skin and fat under her actual chin.
I said, with a big grin on my face, "Two chins." Then, I pointed at myself, "One," and I pointed at Tim, "Two."
She just looked at me, completely baffled and she burst out laughing and I was laughing so hard too. It was a really good lame joke, in my opinion.
The joke is that both Tim and my last name is Chin. So, it's sort of like pun joke.
Made my day :) Doesn't happen often but it's nice when things like this happens.
Oh, we're going to watch Insidious 2. Die.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
you.
Even after two years of trying to be over you, my heart still skips when I hear your ringtone.
My heart is still yours.
Yes, even after two years, nothing has changed.
My heart is still yours.
Yes, even after two years, nothing has changed.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I sense my anxiety levels slowly rising. The red light in my head says “DANGER! CAUTION!” and the green light says “Run!”. I am afraid of the past repeating but running will not help me see that it belongs in the past.
She’s smiling and she’s happy. I am happy for her because I know she would be happy for me too. She was smiling so big, it's nice to see this side of people. It is oddly comforting. Despite everything before, I know this time it will be different
because I won't let the past make me fear
because
because
because when the red light in my head flashed, I didn't run.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Tired, physically.
This is just an update. If you ask me why am I updating, it's because dumb ass, it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.
I am tired. My head hurts. My left foot is swollen and the throbbing feeling does not help, at all.
It has been a day full of happenings, there was stress in the radio club due to issues. I was busy, we had things to figure out. I cooked dinner for myself and ate on the floor of my room in silence.
It was not the typical day. Well, it was but it was just busy.
Yknow what's the good thing about today and the days before?
My mind is quiet.
When I wake up recently, I don't have to beg myself to not die. Nothing hurts like it always did. It's a very calming thing for me because for the last few weeks, I've been waking up with the feeling of walls caving on me. And I literally begged myself to breathe and breathe and breathe until the voices in my head stopped.
Then again, they never stop, they just become a hum in the background when I'm distracted or busy. They come back when I don't realize it or I didn't have my walls high enough.
You'd ask what voices. It's not like someone is talking to you. For me, it's a repetition of some specific song lyric or a thought or thoughts. It just plays on loop for as long as it wants to until I fall completely into its trap and I just.. die.
Anyway, I shall have a snack and sleep.
Like I've said, too tired and I should treasure this silence in my head as much as I can because I don't know when the voices will be back.
I am tired. My head hurts. My left foot is swollen and the throbbing feeling does not help, at all.
It has been a day full of happenings, there was stress in the radio club due to issues. I was busy, we had things to figure out. I cooked dinner for myself and ate on the floor of my room in silence.
It was not the typical day. Well, it was but it was just busy.
Yknow what's the good thing about today and the days before?
My mind is quiet.
When I wake up recently, I don't have to beg myself to not die. Nothing hurts like it always did. It's a very calming thing for me because for the last few weeks, I've been waking up with the feeling of walls caving on me. And I literally begged myself to breathe and breathe and breathe until the voices in my head stopped.
Then again, they never stop, they just become a hum in the background when I'm distracted or busy. They come back when I don't realize it or I didn't have my walls high enough.
You'd ask what voices. It's not like someone is talking to you. For me, it's a repetition of some specific song lyric or a thought or thoughts. It just plays on loop for as long as it wants to until I fall completely into its trap and I just.. die.
Anyway, I shall have a snack and sleep.
Like I've said, too tired and I should treasure this silence in my head as much as I can because I don't know when the voices will be back.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Small things I love #1: Honesty
“I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.”
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Smiling, after a very long time.
it is not so bad today. I didn't die. Yesterday was good too. Nothing hurts. I like it. I know it's a long shot but I hope things stay that way, at least for as long as it can.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
On sadness.
I know I'm sad
I know it by the way I smile
when the day is over,
my cheeks hurt and
I guess I smiled a little too much
and I didn't feel like smiling at all, after that.
I know I'm trying,
trying to live, or
at least trying to take it a day at a time
slowly
very slowly
I know I'm going to survive
it's just that right now,
I can't smile or laugh properly
I keep hoping that I won't wake up
it's just that right now,
I can't be happy
but I'm still going, even though
I'm crawling
but I'm still going
slowly
a little day by day
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
for now.
left wrist sore,
two paper towels, soaked.
my head is spinning and
the voices in my head,
they're gone,
for now.
left wrist, throbbing
no pain but deep breaths.
Finally,
I'm alone in my own head
even if
it's only for now.
two paper towels, soaked.
my head is spinning and
the voices in my head,
they're gone,
for now.
left wrist, throbbing
no pain but deep breaths.
Finally,
I'm alone in my own head
even if
it's only for now.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
pretending.
I waved goodbye
and
I smiled, like I meant it.
Then, I closed my door
so that
I can stop pretending.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Charades to fool.
Here's what I do.
I hid in my room.
I don't check my phone.
I don't call or text.
I stop having dinner or lunches with people
I stop talking to people.
I stop caring about what people think.
I stop trying to convince myself to be happy.
I just simply stop trying.
There's no point of trying to keep a conversation going
They either pretend that they didn't see you reply
Or they just show that they don't care
I stop bothering the people I call friends
Bullshit, is what they give me.
Yeah, you say you miss me.
Or at least that's what you're trying to make me believe
Go fucking jump off a cliff
Maybe then, I'll believe you
You tell me you're always here
Please just stop lying to me.
You stop being a friend because
you know I'll always come back, no matter what
Just stop making promises that you can't keep
I know you'll break this one more promise
but somehow, I am still stupid enough to stay
To see if you kept it, even when I know what'll happen.
That moment when you scrolled through your phone book
And you stop when you see one name
Clips and clips of memories whirl past
And then, you start crying
You know you can't call them
because they can't talk or
they just won't pick up.
You miss them, you try to smile
but you know you can't
because you're this close to falling apart
You went on with life,
you walk past both familiar and strange faces
Without even a second glance
You talk but it seems robotic
You laugh, because you feel like you have to
You smile, just for the sake of saying, I'm fine.
You slowly learning to stare at something so that
your mind can wander
Thousand of words float in and out of your head
You hear none of it, as none of it made sense
Yet, you nod and smile, like you understood everything
Mechanical faces, rehearsed excuses,
and that refusal to feel anything.
Moving on seemed easier like that.
Like that, you are able to fool people,
even yourself that you are fine.
And somehow, in between all these charades,
You stop crying yourself to sleep.
I hid in my room.
I don't check my phone.
I don't call or text.
I stop having dinner or lunches with people
I stop talking to people.
I stop caring about what people think.
I stop trying to convince myself to be happy.
I just simply stop trying.
There's no point of trying to keep a conversation going
They either pretend that they didn't see you reply
Or they just show that they don't care
I stop bothering the people I call friends
Bullshit, is what they give me.
Yeah, you say you miss me.
Or at least that's what you're trying to make me believe
Go fucking jump off a cliff
Maybe then, I'll believe you
You tell me you're always here
Please just stop lying to me.
You stop being a friend because
you know I'll always come back, no matter what
Just stop making promises that you can't keep
I know you'll break this one more promise
but somehow, I am still stupid enough to stay
To see if you kept it, even when I know what'll happen.
That moment when you scrolled through your phone book
And you stop when you see one name
Clips and clips of memories whirl past
And then, you start crying
You know you can't call them
because they can't talk or
they just won't pick up.
You miss them, you try to smile
but you know you can't
because you're this close to falling apart
You went on with life,
you walk past both familiar and strange faces
Without even a second glance
You talk but it seems robotic
You laugh, because you feel like you have to
You smile, just for the sake of saying, I'm fine.
You slowly learning to stare at something so that
your mind can wander
Thousand of words float in and out of your head
You hear none of it, as none of it made sense
Yet, you nod and smile, like you understood everything
Mechanical faces, rehearsed excuses,
and that refusal to feel anything.
Moving on seemed easier like that.
Like that, you are able to fool people,
even yourself that you are fine.
And somehow, in between all these charades,
You stop crying yourself to sleep.
Dreaming of home.
I have been in my room for the whole day
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I din't want anyone to see my existence,
at least I want to forget that I exist, for a while
Then, I fell asleep
I was home,
I smell the sea, I smell..
Dinner
I saw my family,
my brothers were asleep, with the youngest
being only three
It was peaceful, it was right
Dinner smelled amazing,
it's like I can taste it
It's exactly how it should taste.
I saw my grandma,
I didn't realize how much I've missed her
I miss her food and her constant worrying
I miss having real dinners
I miss my family
Somehow, being where I am now,
I forgot what everything feels like back home
It's like I was never there
And everything was just my imagination
Whereas for things to feel real,
it can only be relived in my dreams
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I din't want anyone to see my existence,
at least I want to forget that I exist, for a while
Then, I fell asleep
I was home,
I smell the sea, I smell..
Dinner
I saw my family,
my brothers were asleep, with the youngest
being only three
It was peaceful, it was right
Dinner smelled amazing,
it's like I can taste it
It's exactly how it should taste.
I saw my grandma,
I didn't realize how much I've missed her
I miss her food and her constant worrying
I miss having real dinners
I miss my family
Somehow, being where I am now,
I forgot what everything feels like back home
It's like I was never there
And everything was just my imagination
Whereas for things to feel real,
it can only be relived in my dreams
Sunday, February 24, 2013
One of the bad days.
It's a long time since I've updated my blog. I feel weird if I don't update it. It's like I'm talking to myself but it's not?
I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.
I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.
Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.
Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.
I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.
I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.
I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.
Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.
Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.
I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.
Close your eyes before you hit the taxi.
It scares me how peaceful it felt even for that millisecond.
It's like you're free.
I want this feeling and I'm trying to get it without resorting to this.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
In the end.
Every time I promised myself that I'll forget the year 2012, I tend to find a reason to remind myself why I wanted to remember in the first place.
Every time I think of you, my mind goes back to year 2012, and everything just hurts and it doesn't go away.
I'd let the physical pain consume me till I don't feel this pain.
I'd bleed. I'd bleed myself dry, if it means I can forget everything.
I can't take this. It has been hurting for far too long anyway.
I need to function. I need to live MY life and be happy with it.
I don't want to let you make me feel like I'm not good enough because that is what I feel every single day.
I know you love me and I love you too but I'm the one who is always giving and I can't, not anymore.
I know sincerity and I know intentions. I know you too well to know if you're sincere and if you really did it for me.
I know I'll end up hurting even more because in the end, I'll always be the one who love and gave more.
Not you.
Every time I think of you, my mind goes back to year 2012, and everything just hurts and it doesn't go away.
I'd let the physical pain consume me till I don't feel this pain.
I'd bleed. I'd bleed myself dry, if it means I can forget everything.
I can't take this. It has been hurting for far too long anyway.
I need to function. I need to live MY life and be happy with it.
I don't want to let you make me feel like I'm not good enough because that is what I feel every single day.
I know you love me and I love you too but I'm the one who is always giving and I can't, not anymore.
I know sincerity and I know intentions. I know you too well to know if you're sincere and if you really did it for me.
I know I'll end up hurting even more because in the end, I'll always be the one who love and gave more.
Not you.
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