Day 9 of 30 challenge: What do you like the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)

Physically, I like my calves, my collarbones and my eyes.

My calves and my shoulders are what makes me look less fat. My calves are very very firm and muscular, it's not big but it's very toned due to 11 years of ballet and now, Muay Thai. I look good in skinny jeans because of my calves.

My collarbones because they are noticeable. I have always been a very big kid after hitting puberty. I was too skinny growing up and now everyone says that I am too fat. It's very frustrating because people, make up your minds. They compliment my shoulders, making me look like an athlete when I am not.

My eyes are nice, I guess. I like them because I not only have double eyelids, mine is like three and four layers. ON BOTH EYES. I don't have to put a lot of make up, just a little eyeliner and mascara and I am good to go which is nice. I have covered my mouth and everything in the mirror, leaving only my eyes and played with it. I changed emotions and everything and it's super cool to watch yourself transform even if it's only your eyes. I understand why acting is hard. To convey the right emotion, you need to be able to communicate with your eyes.

Emotionally, I know this is going to sound weird but I like that feeling of slight hope that I feel when I get really really depressed.

Wait wait, let me explain.

Depression happens to me very very often. It sucks and I cannot tell you to what extend of suck-ness it can be unless you have experienced it yourself. It's so bad that I couldn't, yes, COULDN'T do my dishes or my laundry or get out of bed properly without wanting to die.

It's horrible. And then, there's this little voice in my head that tells me, "Breathe, one minute at a time. Come on, get up, love." That's hope. It helps me stop crying. It keeps me alive. It makes me understand that I will be okay.

And again, unless you've been through depression, you will not understand how much a little hope can help a person when you feel like there is absolutely nothing to live for in this world

I sense my anxiety levels slowly rising. The red light in my head says “DANGER! CAUTION!” and the green light says “Run!”. I am afraid of the past repeating but running will not help me see that it belongs in the past. 

She’s smiling and she’s happy. I am happy for her because I know she would be happy for me too. She was smiling so big, it's nice to see this side of people. It is oddly comforting. Despite everything before, I know this time it will be different 

because I won't let the past make me fear 

because 

because  

because when the red light in my head flashed, I didn't run.

Difference: Drawing vs Writing

All has been well. And I am quite glad.

For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.

I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.

She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.

She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.

She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person

I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.

I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.

So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.

Writing FTW!

Little things: Kindness

Meet Jason Kam.

I met him during the Swedish House Mafia Concert.

Why does he have a post?

Because I don't ever want to forget why I enjoyed this concert 

and how he made me feel less alone during the entire concert.

Like I've said, I met him at the concert.

He was standing beside me and we talked.

He was the only person that I knew that was around me when the concert started.

They.. Well, we got separated

and they really.. didn't bother to pull me next to them. I guess.

They *I believe* think that I will be fine

because getting separated is not something you can avoid.

*breathe*

Wow, really?

You guys didn't even try to get me next to you.

Yeah, not a big deal.

Oh shit. Why did I bring this up?

And now, it hurts all over again.

*deep breathe*

Anyway, when the concert started, I was literally alone.

When I saw that he was still next to me,

I was secretly grateful. Like sincerely grateful.

He would randomly look at me and smile during the concert.

Sometimes, he would tap my shoulder and ask if I'm okay and vice versa.

I caught him looking at me a few times.

He was the person that I partied with during the whole concert.

I expected my best friend to be the one who I'll be shouting song lyrics with,

dancing and pointing at the sky with,

to jump up and down and stamp on each other toes with.

She was.. Occupied.

And no, it was him.

Halfway during the concert,

he told me that he'll be right back 'cause he had to look for his brother.

I couldn't say, "No, stay here!"

I nodded and shouted, "Okay!" over the music.

I really didn't expect him to come back.

I was sad to see him go. 

I remember telling myself,

if he's not back after two songs and if I am tired, I'll leave.

Like I've said, I didn't expect him to come back

but I still turned my head to check.

And to my surprise, he was already smuggling through the crowd

trying to get back to the spot next to me.

All I could think of was

"You came back for me."

I was sincerely happy to see him.

He was my companion for the concert

and he came back.

I expected him to leave or go to his friends but no.

He was next to me for the next 6 hours.

Near the end of the concert, I was honestly tired.

All I wanted to do is sleep.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around and it was him.

He told me he was going to the toilet.

I really didn't want to be there alone and I needed water.

So, I left the party zone to buy water.

After going to the toilet, he came back, to me.

I am still confused why he stuck by me when there are better people to be around with.

Then, the concert was over.

Time to look for the people who really didn't care about where I was , LOL!

I would write out why they HAD to look for me

but I guess I'll never forget even if  I don't write it down.

I found my friends as he found his.

Of course, we walked with out friends.

Mine were a pair who were dating.

They were holding hands and stuff, which I don't mind.

But it's like they didn't even notice my existence.

They were engaged into their lovey-dovey conversation.

They only talked to me for the 5 secs because they needed water.

And then, I was left alone again.

I was walking beside them, or at least trying to.

But I had never felt so isolated.

And then, I stopped trying to make myself look like I am with them.

I just stopped trying entirely.

I lagged behind them, putting distance between us just because it's easier to focus on my own steps.

Left. Right. Left Right. Ouch, Loose Rock, Skip.

just because it hurts less not trying.

 I remember looking up, desperately trying to push away the pain, 

desperately trying not to feel.

I saw him looking back.

He was a few feet in front of my friends and he was searching, 

for me.

I knew that because when his eyes meet mine, he smiled.

He stepped to the side and waited for me to pass him.

When I did, he walked with me.

He said, "Follow me" and I obeyed.

Slowly, we pasted my friends and they followed us.

They were somehow really slow and we got separated.

But this time, I wasn't afraid of getting lost or anything 

 because he was with me.

It wasn't because I liked him or anything.

It was simply just because he was there when there wasn't anyone there

When I was with him, the pain left and I could breathe again.

He lead the road but he kept turning back to make sure that I was following him.

Then, to avoid him from straining his neck,

I held on to his shoulder.

He was okay with that, so I held on and never let go.

When my hand did slip off, he immediately turned his head over to see if I'm still there.

He guided me out of Sunway Lagoon, walked me out of the entrance.

My friends were gone.

My phone had no bars so I couldn't call them.

He offered to call for me even when his phone is low of battery.

My friends picked up, they sound so pissed off at me.

They literally growled "Where are you!?"

I guess they were sleepy? 

Hah, yeah.

He had to meet his friends but I couldn't find mine.

I didn't want to keep him from his friends

and I knew the place well enough to find the entrance

but he insisted on staying with me until I found my friends.

Of course, his friends called and he had to leave but

not without telling me where I had to go to find my friends.

He asked me for my number and I gave him a hug goodbye

while thanking him again and again for being there the entire night.

I really feel the need to treat him to dinner 

because I feel like I owe the whole night to him

and also I get to see him again.

He never gave me a straight answer why he stayed with me the entire time

but I am entirely grateful for him.

Of course, I found my friends and we went back to the room that I rented,

Yeah, the reason why they HAD to look for me, LOL

It hurt the whole time but because of Jason,

it didn't hurt as much. 

I was stupid to think back and write about this

because it's a record of what caused what I was trying not to feel

but because I didn't want to forget what Jason did,

I wrote this.

It broke me to remember the painful details because I don't forget.

I see the little details and I remember every single thing.

It breaks me to think and remember about it

but I will not forget the guy who never left me and made my night.

I prayed to God before the concert because I know already what I would get from my friends.

I said, "Dear God, in times like these, I pray for safety to, during and from this concert.

I am not very religious but I know God answered my prayers by giving my Jason for the night.

I thank Jason and I thank God.

Enough ranting now.

I hope there are more people like Jason in the world because they make the world the go round by just being there.

Even though, I wished I didn't go to the concert due to obvious reasons but I am grateful that I did when I think of him.

Thank you, Jason, if you're "lucky enough" to read this, which means that I have humiliated myself.

But, thank you for being there when no one else was there

and for making me remember the importance of the little things like such.

Brothers, they grow up too, you know?

I found this on Facebook. I wrote it last year. It's somewhat therapeutic and comforting for me to read this.  It reminds me that no matter how much things have changed, some parts of it will; always be the same.

Dedicated to my brother, Aaron.

His face popped up behind me when I was paying for my extra large tutti-fruity slurpee. I looked back, there was my brother standing behind me in 7-11. He said hi with an enthusiasm that I have known for years while he stood there, drenched in sweat after so many rounds of cycling around the neighborhood.

He has black glossy hair which will point in different directions when it grew out, an impish smile that reflects his inner kid, which acts as a contrast to his now less boyish good looks. He has a strong jawline and a straight nose that makes him enviously photogenic. He is considered short for a 16-year old but is slowly gaining height everyday. Despite the gender and age difference, we have the same eyes and the same wacky personality.

We grew up chasing each other around clothes rack and shelves in department stores, fighting over the longest piece of french fry, singing and jamming to the theme song of "Tom and Jerry kids" on top of a trampoline and constructing a "castle" using our bunk beds and blankets. That was about 8 to 10 years ago. Where did time go?

Now I'm 18 with scrapped knees and elbows that came with consistent bicycle falls and amazing hide-and-seek skills that can be only be perfected with years of practices. And he's almost 16 with the most generous heart, amazing technology information in his brain that is obtained somewhere and a pair of hands that can fix anything that has wires and other stuff that I don't know.But he's still the same boy who wants me to go to the arcade and play with him or do anything with him just so he won't be alone.

I paid for my slurpee while he paid for his RM 10 reload. It then occurred to me that he still had the same mischievous look he has when he was 6. It's nice to know some things don't change or disappear. I got in the car and started the engine. Then, I looked up just in time to see him speeding towards me. In two lightning fast seconds, he swerved with his legs on the ground and did a sharp turn while hitting on the brakes. He finished the stunt with a grace that I rarely see in guys and turned to face me with a smile on his face, looking pleased with himself. For a second, I was stunned and impressed. Cool. And to think that I taught him how to ride a bike about 10 years ago.

With the reload coupon in his mouth, he rode off back home while I drove myself to tuition. We used to ride bikes together. He laughed so hard when I told him I nearly fell into the drain. I used to hide his little plush toy and snickered when he couldn't find it. We used to pretend that we were the Prime Ministers in a parade when we were playing with our bikes and scooters. And somehow, I remember that he used to eat durian when he was younger.

He is different in a way that no one can ever imitate. His love for old songs and funny videos is part of what defines him. The kid in him will always love turtle plush toys and cats. His nerdy side will love anything that processes fast and has the word "beats" on it. The guy in him will forever belong to gross-ness and cars and he might have something against ants and mosquitoes. He loves to pluck the mosquitoes' legs and is now starting to like pinching the ant's butt off its body. Everything about him brings back different, hilarious memories for me and I'm sure for my family too.

As I'm driving, I wondered how different would life be for him and me if I leave for university? I wonder if he would miss me because I know I will miss him, his lame but funny jokes and his retarded and hilarious dances. It'd be weird not to have some one annoying you with songs that you hate and it'd be very quiet without his constant singing in the shower with blasting speakers.

Time flies when you're growing up but he'll always and forever be my little brother no matter how old we both are. So, who says everything has to change?

Best Friends

I think of the times we've had and the memories we will make. I think of how much we laughed together and at each other. I think of the times you've made me smile even when I don't feel like it. I think of the amount of times that I've poked you and you slapping my hand away. I think of the times when you nearly tripped and I called you a klutz and only to end up falling down myself. I think of the times when I just wanted to cry my eyes out with you there even though I have nothing to say. I think of the number of times when you stayed to knock some sense into me even when I was pushing you away. I think of the number of times you stayed just because you wanted to.

I think of you when I have a bad day because you told me I'll be fine and I'll get through the day. And then, I took a deep breath and smiled.

Yeah, I'll be fine because later I'll have you to complain everything to :P

The only song that gives me hope for the moment.

Hold On 'Til The Night

[Verse 1]

Watching the minute hand

Frozen solid not moving

Still we believe we can

But we're afraid of losing

Watching from over here

Its hardly worth competing

I'm almost out of here

While breaking a heart that's beating

Just as I start giving up

I'm not backing up

[Chorus]

Run into the light

Get out of your own way

Not afraid to fight

Believe in what you say

I'll hold on till the night

Hanging by a thread

I'm not scared to let go

Thoughts inside your head

That creep up to get you

I believe this is right

So I'll hold on til the night

[Verse 2]

I climbed up on a tree

To get a new perspective

If love is worth the time

The price is being rejected

Just as I start falling down

I turned this around

[Bridge]

Hold on til I'm with you

All I've got to give you

All my fears are slowly fading to never know

Yes I start running running running running!!

Something to hold on to each day.

You, make me smile,
Even when every part of me is falling apart.
You, keep me going,
Even when every part of me is screaming fragile.
Being with you guys,
I forgot about myself,
At least my attention is diverted somewhere else.
I'd give anything for this,
To have myself distracted from this pain
Which never seems to cease or even end.

I know I might be bad at expressing anything.
But thank you for your concerns though.
It meant a lot than you think it did.
Thank you for showing that you guys care.
I really don't know what to say.

How am I suppose to tell you guys what's wrong when
I'm not sure what's wrong with me?
All of these, yes I do have a hunch
But hunches can never be answers.
I'm sorry I acted angry,
I guess that's the emotion that keeps me going.
I'm sorry for snapping,
I guess that was how I protected myself.
Thank you for being there.
Now I'm trying to convince myself that
You guys are not going anywhere.

This is all new to me, I guess.
Having friends that actually stay
And having people who like me the way I am.
I am forever grateful for this
Don't ask me about this pain that I am always feeling.
It has always been there,
Yes, it gets worse most of the time.
But I'm coping with it, in my own way.
Seeing you guys everyday,
At least I am able to breathe for a while
Before being suffocated again.

I may be not able to tell you guys what is wrong
But at least when you read this,
It may give you a glimpse of what might be wrong.
If you guys can figure out what's wrong,
That'd be nice for me because
I have no idea.

I guess this doesn't show in my face at all but
I am forever thankful to call you two my best friends.
I owe my mental being to you guys.
Thank you for giving me something to look forward to each day.
Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for giving me a reason to stay alive.

Love you two forever.
xx

The moments you live for, the little things that keep you going.

For the first time ever, three sentences actually made me speechless.

I was randomly talking to my best friend about her future that includes beautiful babies which she almost always add a "pffffftttt" to before I can finish my sentence. And she said "You have a future too." I was messed up in the head at that time. I was upset over some things but I'm not sure what, everything from the past just came back to me. I was feeling so horrible then.

I put my arms behind my head and spoke my mind without meaning to.

"No, I would be the one who is nice to everyone and get screwed over in the end."

I never expected an answer from whatever I said, so basically, I honestly did not expect her to give me this answer at all.

I was staring at the window behind her with my hands resting comfortably behind my head. Then, she spoke without looking at me.

"Not everyone leaves."

I was stunned. She continued, this time looking at me,

"Not everyone will screw you over. I won't."

With that, she smiled at me and said nothing else.

Usually my instinct would tell me to reject this or to stop trying to believe it. But this time, its shouts are nothing but soft, tame purrs. And by some miracle, I actually believed her.

Is it wrong to be scared to trust that people would actually stay? Or is it easier to push this away just so I won't get hurt again?

People like to make promises the same way they like to break them. No one keeps promises nowadays, right? I know I always keep promises but does anyone do that anymore?

She is my best friend and this time, I find no reason to NOT believe that she will stay and be there. In fact, I do not need a reasaon to believe her. I just do and I guess that's enough for me.

\

You know the little things you look forward to everyday?
The people that makes your day when you see them?
The moments in some days that makes you feel complete?
The little things in life that you hold on to so that it keeps you going?

This is who amd what I hang on to, the only reason I am still breathing here.
If I ever lose these, I have nothing else left, nothing left to live for.

Keep holding on, cause I know you'll make it through, we'll make it through.

For those who mean the whole to me, you know who you are

You're not alone, not really.
I'm here right now, yes, I'll take your hand.
I won't leave you, no, I'm not going anywhere.
This is not the end, it's just another beginning.
Another chapter in your life,
Just like how you read the next part of a book.
I'm sorry if it rains and you forgot your umbrella.
I'm sorry if it feels like the end, like you have nowhere to go,
And you wish everything would just stop for the sake of your mental being.
Don't tell me that you give up,
Cause you know I won't give up on you, ever.
If you feel lost, tell me,
And I'll tell the world to find you.
If you're weary, let me know,
I'll be that strength that you need to pull through.

Not everyone is perfect, no one expects you to.
Breathe and keep going, the suffering never lasts forever.
One day if I leave this world early,
Remember that I love you.
Remember that you matter more than I will ever matter to myself.
Remember this promise in hope that you can find that ray of sunshine from it,
So that it can get you through the tunnel of darkness.
No matter what happens,
Please remember that I love you.

From, Tryphena

If only I had you back then, would I still make the same mistake?

This one is for Andrew Vun.

Andrew, may the dear Lord bless you.
We got closer over the past few months
Not sure when but it might be a month or two.
So there we were, same boss, same course and all
So here I sit wondering for so long,
Why was it that we never mingle, or at least said hi?
Were we that oblivious to the existance of each other
Or just simply shy?

Now, here we are.
It's October at the moment,
Exams, secret outings,
We will remember all of these when we're aged and wrinkly.
It'd be nice to tell our grandkids these stories,
About a girl and two guys screaming in the car of a maniac driver
Boy, Andrew,
They will laugh with disbelief and say,
Grandpa, you screamed?

I guess it's safe to say you are one of my best friends now.
It's a blessing and I'm not kidding.
You're like the big brother I never had.
Yes, I know you're younger but you act older that your age.
I'll let you in on something,
Even though I am sure everyone else who reads this will know this.
For the first time in my life,
I actually felt protected in a way,
Safe, so to speak.
Andrew, you know my story and everything else.
I lost hope and you know it.
Remember what you said?
The beating-him-up-even-though-you're-just-saying thing?
Thank you for not asking why I let it happen.
Your hugs, they actually comfort me.
You make me feel,
Safe.
You're like a big brother even though you're not.
I let my guard down even though I know I'm not suppose to.
Because for once, I believe that you won't hurt me.

So, to my unrelated brother,
Let it be older or younger.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Take risks, have fun.
Be crazy, be loud.
You're young, there are no restrictions.
Fall in love, fall out of love.
Do new things, prefect old skills.
Build a bridge, dig a hole.
Plant a tree, look for firewood.
Study till you die, die because you woke up.
Sing out loud, dance your heart out.
Take what's free and buy what's not.
Ignore trends and start your own.
Don't follow the crowd, define cool by your own standards.
Admit when you're wrong, rejoice when you're right.
Learn that nothing is perfect and perfection is achieved through mistakes.
Remember who you are and no one can change that.
Learn to surf when there are waves, climb higher when it floods.
Rise above the odds when everything is against you.
Remember to trust God always, for He never leaves you.
Believe in love, be strong in your faith.
Always hope because miracles can happen.
Listen not to gossipers but welcome the company of the wise.
Remember how to differentiate black and white, for the times are turning grey now.
Never doubt your instincts because God put it there to guide you.
Your heart may be decieved, trust God when you don't know where to turn.
Take a break when you need one, pushing yourself might differ results.
Treat people the way you wanted to be treated, this, I'm sure you're doing really well.
Smile, laugh, cry, get mad, every emotion, to be explored in this short life.
Live it well because I'm sure you won't get another.
Ignore insults from people who don't know you, they don't define you.
Everything else in life is planned out by God, so go with God's flow even when times are hard.

I hope she's sees everything I see in you and maybe more of it.
You're an amazing guy, remember that.
A good brother and a good friend.
You know I love you dearly, so don't forget me because I know you don't dare to.
One day, if I ever get to walk down the aisle,
You know you better be there because afterall, you're my big but younger brother, in so many ways.

No, you wouldn't understand.

Dedicated to her
From TC and TC

The sky was pouring today.
There was lightning, maybe thunder too.
It was cold, but not cold enough to make me shiver.
It made me sad, this weather.
But no, it did not make me feel better.

There I sat on a rainy day,
My best friend, yes, she sat on my right
Her pain seem endless just like this season.
Counting the days, without knowing when you see a fullstop.

She's trying her best, you see.
No, you wouldn't understand because you don't see what is hidden.
Me?
I wish I could take away this grief, make her smile,
Anything, to make her live again.
Seeing her tears, it broke my heart because
All I can do is to wipe her tears and give her a hug.
And no, this, you wouldn't understand.

This boy, you see, he gave up.
She gave him everything, fought to be with him.
He ran away with his tail between his legs.
Coward, that's all he is.
He looked for reasons in this mass of snowballed destruction,
To save this skin of his.
Finally, he found some.
Bullshit, all of it.
He took away everything she gave him,
Left her with nothing
But a heart, beyond damaged and a handful of empty memories.
This other guy and I, we're trying to glue her back together.
And no, you wouldn't understand.

This broken girl, you see.
She is my best friend.
Yes, she may cry sometimes but then again, she is human.
There will be days when the walls keeping her strong will tumble,
This other guy and I,
Will keep her steady, carry her when she can't walk on her own.
Yes, she will have a seamless smile on her face,
Only God knows what is really going on inside.
This other guy and I,
We can only know so much,
Catching her when she falls is the only thing to do,
This I promise you.
Yes, she will try to be strong and face the world.
If only you knew the amount of strength put in behind this effort.
She has goals, yes, she plans to study medicine someday.
She is amazing, a fighter so to speak.
But then again, every fighter fall down sometimes.
This other guy and I,
We will help her back up every time she falls.
Afterall, not everyone leaves your life.
And no, you wouldn't understand.

Stat strong, this won't last forever.

Dedicated to those who wake up in the morning with a smile on their faces even though they are dying inside.
There is always that one person who will be strong for you when you can't be strong for yourself and to catch you when you fall.
Don't give up hope yet.

I can't pretend to know how you feel

But know that I'm here , know that I'm real

Say what you want or don't talk at all

I'm not gonna let you fall

You used to face the world all on your own

Now I won't let you go, go it alone

Be who you want to be,

Always stand tall

I'm not gonna let you fall

Reach for my hand 'cause it's held out for you

My shoulders are strong

But you can cry on it too

Eveything changes but one thing is true, understand

I'll always be here to help you stand

Love Tryphena

x