I will always find a way, a reason to make you stay.

I haven't been blogging for so long. Guess I had a lot to deal with and I couldn't get on the laptop. Typing on the phone is harder because you can't really see what you are typing, that's why sometimes I only type a line in the title box.

So, I have been an idiot for the past 3 months. I was trying to hold on to people that was or I think was, slipping away. I managed to convince myself that both of them will stay, at least for a little while. I fought to keep myself together and try to make everything work, either if it's in another country or here. I lost enough, at least that's what I think. In the end, life is still the teacher, it will stop when it is indeed enough.

I lost him a month later.

I learn to live without him. I told myself, if he was able to live without me, if I was able to live without him for the last one and half years, I would be able to do the same now. I'm okay but after loving someone for so long, letting go is hard. I still miss him. In fact, I miss everything about him. He was the only guy that I fell so hard for. Now it's all gone.

Among all of these, I hurt the people those who are important in my life. Everything that they feel came out after two and a half months. It was in them for so long that I do not even understand how did they do it.

Life is right, I do not deserve them. I don't deserve to have them care, to have them as someone I call mine. Losing him should be a sign. It's like telling me that I can't have anyone staying long in my life, wanting them to stay is like fighting against fate, against change. Why is it that every time when I feel content with where I am, everything has to mess up and change in another direction, leaving me helpless and trying to just catch up and not be left behind? Is it a must, a law made for me that I must lose someone, something every year? Is it too much to say that I want to stay happy a little longer? Is it too much to ask for things to be the way they are, at least for a year? This is all I have, I have nothing else. If I don't fight to keep all of these, I'll lose them.

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Please don't take away what is mine, this is all I have left.