How do you know you're in love.

How do you know you're in love with them (or anyone in general):
There they go. As flawless as they can be. Everything about them makes you smile like a kid at the carnival for the first time. You can't blame yourself because you're in love with them. How in the world did you end up here? You feel like everything in your life has happened and aligned so that you could be at this place to meet them. They were everything you wanted and needed. You are happy after a very long time.

When you hold their hand for the first time, their hands feel like the right temperature, the right size. Waves of excitement and joy rush over you and drags you under. Then, you found out that you can breathe underwater. What joy! This is the most amazing feeling ever. The first kiss. The first time you went on a date. The first phone call. The first sleepover. You will feel invincible, like nothing can kill you. You were on top of the world. It doesn't matter if someone came and knock you down. With them, you could just climb up again, no biggie.

Suicide

Most of us are baffled at our own prospects of death. I think it's because of the mystery to it. I mean, we don't know when it will happen or how it would happen. So, we mask that curiosity, that fear of it sometimes, by being busy, being occupied and being oblivious. Most of us think that our end of the road is old age, grandkids or perhaps, success. The very idea that "lives can be cut short either deliberately or not" is a myth, a fairy tale made up to scare us into taking risks and aiming for the stars.

Kristina Akana, 1993-2007, she ended her own life on Valentine's Day. I just finished reading her sister, Anna's book, Surviving Suicide. Anna wrote about the aftereffects of a suicide. People always talk about why people shouldn't kill themselves and how much people will miss them but I have never seen anything told from the the perspective of someone that was left behind. That is up until now.

I have never had friends or family who were claimed way before the expiry date by suicide. However, I have friends who, fortunately, failed at their attempts to take their own life. Two were when I had to talk to them relentlessly because there was nothing else I could do. One was after she had her stomach pumped. I remember the panic when I hear "I'm sorry" and that lump in my throat that won't go down no matter how many times I swallow. I remember bargaining with God even though the life at risk is not mine. I remember that sensation of vertigo when they dropped the other line of the call. I remember hearing train tracks and the sound of her sobs.

Anna talked about how her brain was far from reality when she got the call that her sister tried to hang herself. Her response was "Oh My God, she's going to be grounded for a very long time" or something along those lines. I guess, it is normal for us to not accept the visit of the Grim Reaper, especially when you are not expecting him. Sometimes, I do wonder. I wonder if they ever stop crying. I wonder if they ever stop picturing her face when they hear "Kristina' or if they ever stop missing her. I wonder if Kristina wished that she stayed. I wonder if she is happy now.

I hope, I solemnly hope to God that she is.

Day 7 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Take a walk until you find a tree you identify with, then write a poem using the tree as a metaphor for yourself or your life.

There were a lot of trees being cut down recently due to MRT construction. So, we went from having little shade to literally no shade. I feel no particular attachment to any of the trees but I get it? How charming, I get what a tree is.

I am a living, breathing being,
I was created for a reason, created for a purpose.
That might not be known for now, but
I'll do my best with this life I am given.

I will work hard and adapt.
So that, I can grow nowhere but up.
Let it be known that, I will not forget my roots, my morals and where I come from.
I will be as humble as the earthworm in the ground.
My head will be not be in the clouds without caution.
For storms, they can make you tremble or sometimes, even bring you to the ground
but don't forget your roots,
you can grow again, anew.

One day, when you are strong enough, wise enough,
you can bring comfort to those who were once like you,
small, new but growing.
I still don't know my purpose in life,
somehow I am content to live with whatever life throws at me.
I guess, the idea of living life to the fullest isn't such a bad idea.
That is if I never find out a greater purpose to my existence.

Real Talk Questions from Tumblr

• 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
• Looking into someone's eyes while I tell them how I feel

• 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
• I remember how someone just dropped me on my ass and expect me to be okay "because things have changed", according to her. Yes, I still do and it keeps me awake at night.
• 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
• My mum, I'll tell her I love her and my family. I'll also tell her that her and dad did a great job raising us kids and they are the best in the world. 
• 4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
• I'll only tell those that I want to spend my last month with. I'll eat, take as many pictures as I can, make home videos, bungee jump, be a daredevil. Yes, I admit that I'll be so afraid but it's inevitable so I'll make sure I'll regret nothing when I die.
• 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
• For argument's sake, I won't say that trust will cultivate love. I will choose trust because trust, in my experience, is developed and strengthen over time. I understand that it is the same with love but you don't get blinded when you trust. To trust is to have confidence in something or someone. Trust is given to those who have proven themselves worthy of it, instead of  having it being given to you in the beginning. It's more concrete and logical than love.
• 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
• No, as much as a dog's life is valuable, I don't think I can afford my job. This differs though, but I assume that I am not at home and I am on my own when this happens. So, no.
• 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

The one that I love.

• 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
• The first time it happened, I ended up dating him. The second time it happened, I told her that nothing can happen because she had a boyfriend.
• 9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
• No, because I don't know them that well. Plus, they had cancer so it wouldn't make a big difference. It's not like we could postpone his death if he was given another hour. It would just be another hour of waiting for his family.
• 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
• Yeah, I seem like a cool person.
• 11. Does love = sex?
• No.
• 12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
• Depends on the situation but if the situation is the same as I describe above, then no. I need to take care of myself, I have no one in this city.
• 13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
• It was a few months ago, at least the one where I remembered. It was with a group of friends and we were all mostly acquaintances. However, we somehow decided to have questions thrown out and all of us will take a turn in answering it. They were deep questions, what do you regret, what do you fear, what were your scariest moments in life. It was a very non-judgmental feel to everything and everyone was genuine so everything just came spilling out. They listened which was something I didn't expect. It was  relief because people rarely listen nowadays and sometimes that all you want from someone.
• 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
• Personally, to say "I love you" to anyone would be harder than " I don't love you."
• 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
• My family because they are the reason why I am able to be where I am right now. I would never trade them for anything in the world
• 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
• Last night, he is my little brother.
• 17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
• I don't remember, it has been a pretty good month for me.
• 18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
• Yeah, it's a life.
• 19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
• I would let the newborn go. First of all, I don't know the new born and it's not mine. My grandma is mine so I'll save what is mine. You can also have another baby but not another grandma.
• 20. Are you old fashioned?
• Only in my moral values.
• 21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
• I always do small things like this so I don't know. It's very recent, I'm sure.
• 22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

Broken hearts can heal. Then you'll love again.

• 23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
• To forget about her or to be over her completely so that I can move on and not think of her.

On being alone

It's weird though. It's like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to fit in or belong anywhere. Take today as an example, it was sports' carnival and of course, you go on the bus and do everything as a group and without fail, I always seem to be the odd one that has to sit with a stranger. It's not like I mind, it's just it's be nice, you know, to sit with a friend.

And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.

I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.

I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.

I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.

I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.

I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.

Oh well. Till next time.

Day 7 of 30 Challenge: What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?

My name is Tryphena Chin Xiao Huey.

Tryphena is a name from the Bible. It can found in the book Roman 16:12. It's under the greetings part of the book. It means the woman of God. I don't know why my parents gave me this name though. It's cool, I guess. Like it's a Roman name and all. I really should ask my parents.

Chin (陈), it's my surname. I can't choose that obviously but it means umm, a chin? You know, that bottom part of your face?

Xiao (筱) means dwarf bamboo HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am neither dwarf-like nor bamboo-shaped. I am considered quite tall and umm, build.

Huey, pronounced as "hui" (卉) means plants. I HATE PLANTS. I almost killed a cactus once and my best friend will never let me forget about it.

Well, my Chinese name basically is very plant-related. So, not me but I don't mind having my name. It's my name.

Challenge Day 7: Write Poetry: about your heart—not what it does or who it loves, but the odd and weird stuff it is made of

The heart, you see,
it's a peculiar thing.
It is made out of the same things that help our arms move,
but yet, it beats by itself.

I don't get it, how does walls of muscles,
the same things we eat if it's on a cow,
move by itself?
I heard it's very tough, this muscle.
The shape is about the size of our fist,
dont'cha know?

After googling, I found out
the human heart is indeed the size of our fist
but it is pear-shaped.
See, pears are good for our health,
our hearts, pffttt, same thing.

I was also informed that
this muscle, the ones we eat if it's on a cow,
is special with a name of myocardium.
Similar to us when we cover ourselves over the head with a blanket,
the heart has a double-layered pouch,
in which smart people who discovered it had named it a pericardium,
instead of just calling it a heart pouch.
I think they just like to sound smart.
If you ask me what is this pouch for,
I'm guessing that it's to protect the heart's money
or it's for the same reason
we bury ourselves in a blanket when we were six.

Sarah Kay's 8 Day Challenge

So, I found a challenge on tumblr. It's by known spoken poetry poet, Sarah Kay. I look up to her and I love her poetry. She makes me think and she helps me breathe. This list of things, it looks like something that I need. So, why not? (:

1. Make a List of: things you know to be true
2. Make a List of: things that make you angry
3. Make a List of: the most unusual things you do every day
4. Make a List of: things you no longer believe
5. Make a List of: things you should have learned by now
6. Write Poetry: with “I remember sentences
7. Write Poetry: about your heart—not what it does or who it loves, but the odd and weird stuff it is made of
8. Write: a love poem … for a non traditional item or person

tumblr musings #2

“And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.”

tumblr musings.

Perhaps
the reason you hated yourself
so much
has to do with the fact that
you've poured
all
your love into
someone else
and
left none for yourself

or maybe
you didn't think you deserve any love
even from yourself
so you gave it all away instead

it amazes me how beautiful some girls are and I'm just here trying to not look like a tablecloth.