Little pleasures in life: Soft, good quality tissue papers when you have a cold

I have a cold. My nose was running the whole day, I was coughing up phlegm. It was a pretty sight. All I wanted to do is to not move and just be sick, which is what I did. Half of my toilet roll is gone now because of the flu. Earlier during the day, I went to Watson's to get pocket tissues. No way I was getting better in a day, I figured that I would need the tissues for classes and stuff.

Now my tissue roll is down to like 15 or 16 more "roll" before it finishes. So, I'm saving that for when I need to do my business in the toilet. Mind you, my nose is really red and raw from all the blowing and the rubbing and sniffling. It's just really sensitive now. The tissue roll's texture is quite rough so it made my nose raw from all that.

When I used the new tissue papers that I bought from Watson's, I was so happy. Yes, I am happy because the tissue paper is soft. For those who have a cold, it gives you so much comfort when you use a tissue that is soft, especially if you've been sniffling and everything for the whole day.

There is a tissue stuffed up my nose as I am writing this. It's so comfortable and soft. You will not understand this unless you have a cold and really want a break from the tissue but can't.

So, buy soft tissues when you're sick. It might not be much but it makes your sick day a little less annoying. :)

A good dream about you.

I dreamt of you last night.

You had bangs again and your hair was shorter just like when we first met.

Things were already different in the dream, 

it was like an exact replica of reality but

the only difference is that we're talking in my dream.

You asked me if I want to go crab fishing with you.

I very very happily agreed to. 

The time was set as present time, present day.

Again, the only difference is that 

we're at the same place at the same time,

You still smelled the same, the odd combination of perfume and cigarettes.

Your hair still did that same thing where it danced in the wind.

I still remember how you always grabbed your hair when it fell into your eyes,

then you'd crinkle your eyes as it tickles your nose.

We recalled another inside joke and

you laughed.

I can still remember it being so loud, vibrant and 

I was so aware that it was a dream that I didn't want to blink.

I was afraid if I opened my eyes again, this dream was over. 

My eyes dilated so much due to the lack of blinking,

I was trying to memorize everything that was happening

because I knew it wasn't real, it wasn't real.

When I woke up, I was in tears. 

I painfully pulled myself away from the remaining memories of the dream

just like how you try to pick glass pieces from your skin. 

You can't really get all of the shards, so you just take your time.

I spent all morning, trying to forget you again.

The process of this became more of a habit but it doesn't make it hurt less.

Now I am stuck with the best parts of the dream and I don't know how to forget it. 

I hear your laughter ring in my ear, I hear your voice, god, I'd still drop everything for you.

You know what's the worse part?

The worse part is that I am sitting here, writing about you,

just like I did over the last 2 years. 

I thought I will never write about you ever again

but here I am, sitting in front of my blog,

writing an article, a blog post, a poem, about you,

Another bad thing that comes with this is that

I will spend the entire day missing you.

Real Talk Questions from Tumblr

• 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
• Looking into someone's eyes while I tell them how I feel

• 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
• I remember how someone just dropped me on my ass and expect me to be okay "because things have changed", according to her. Yes, I still do and it keeps me awake at night.
• 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
• My mum, I'll tell her I love her and my family. I'll also tell her that her and dad did a great job raising us kids and they are the best in the world. 
• 4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
• I'll only tell those that I want to spend my last month with. I'll eat, take as many pictures as I can, make home videos, bungee jump, be a daredevil. Yes, I admit that I'll be so afraid but it's inevitable so I'll make sure I'll regret nothing when I die.
• 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
• For argument's sake, I won't say that trust will cultivate love. I will choose trust because trust, in my experience, is developed and strengthen over time. I understand that it is the same with love but you don't get blinded when you trust. To trust is to have confidence in something or someone. Trust is given to those who have proven themselves worthy of it, instead of  having it being given to you in the beginning. It's more concrete and logical than love.
• 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
• No, as much as a dog's life is valuable, I don't think I can afford my job. This differs though, but I assume that I am not at home and I am on my own when this happens. So, no.
• 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

The one that I love.

• 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
• The first time it happened, I ended up dating him. The second time it happened, I told her that nothing can happen because she had a boyfriend.
• 9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
• No, because I don't know them that well. Plus, they had cancer so it wouldn't make a big difference. It's not like we could postpone his death if he was given another hour. It would just be another hour of waiting for his family.
• 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
• Yeah, I seem like a cool person.
• 11. Does love = sex?
• No.
• 12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
• Depends on the situation but if the situation is the same as I describe above, then no. I need to take care of myself, I have no one in this city.
• 13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
• It was a few months ago, at least the one where I remembered. It was with a group of friends and we were all mostly acquaintances. However, we somehow decided to have questions thrown out and all of us will take a turn in answering it. They were deep questions, what do you regret, what do you fear, what were your scariest moments in life. It was a very non-judgmental feel to everything and everyone was genuine so everything just came spilling out. They listened which was something I didn't expect. It was  relief because people rarely listen nowadays and sometimes that all you want from someone.
• 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
• Personally, to say "I love you" to anyone would be harder than " I don't love you."
• 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
• My family because they are the reason why I am able to be where I am right now. I would never trade them for anything in the world
• 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
• Last night, he is my little brother.
• 17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
• I don't remember, it has been a pretty good month for me.
• 18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
• Yeah, it's a life.
• 19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
• I would let the newborn go. First of all, I don't know the new born and it's not mine. My grandma is mine so I'll save what is mine. You can also have another baby but not another grandma.
• 20. Are you old fashioned?
• Only in my moral values.
• 21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
• I always do small things like this so I don't know. It's very recent, I'm sure.
• 22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

Broken hearts can heal. Then you'll love again.

• 23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
• To forget about her or to be over her completely so that I can move on and not think of her.

Day 16 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

There's a lot of things that one would change when given the chance. For mine, it's the way that children is treated.

Children, to me, are the sincerest, purest and most innocent beings ever and people abuse that about them because "they don't know any better" and "it's okay, they'll have to learn that life is shit sooner or later". Fuck you. They ask genuine and real questions, out of curiosity. They don't know understand what hate, insults, spite and those other emotions are. They don't know how to feel unwanted, how to abandon someone or how to open the fridge door. They represent a clean slate that most of us so desperately want. They are a complete new life, a new book which is waiting to be written.

When you ask a child something that requires them to have an opinion, their answers surprise you. I have a brother who is 9 this year and he likes to play with barbies. My family just let him.

Once, I asked him, "Why do you think you like to play barbie dolls?" "I don't know. I like it because they get to be pretty and their clothes are very beautiful," he said. Then, he turned to me and with the most childlike voice, asked, "Jie jie, do you think that you and me switched bodies because you don't like to play barbies and I like barbies?"

How am I supposed to explain to him about social norms? He is 9 and he's supposed to just enjoy whatever he's doing now. I did anyway, using the simplest words and situations to explain to him that the world isn't fair to boys who shows any signs of femininity. He went quiet and said, "It's okay, no one in my school knows," and continues playing. And I, unknowingly, taught him what shame is.

I wish that the world could have an open mind about children. Everything they do WILL have an effect on their future. When I was younger, I read a lot, like A LOT. Now I am in a Mass Communication course, planning to be a journalist or a writer for the media industry. Given my little brother as an example, he might be the next designer. I try to show him that it is possible to be anything you want and it is nothing to be ashamed. I am grateful that the media is showing a lot of guys being involved in the music industry and in the fashion industry. He used to be ashamed about ballet but now, he thinks the SYTYCD guy dancers are the coolest.

It's not fair that kids have to conform to all the social standards that the society has set. All the labels are so unfair, especially when given to little kids who have not even learn how to tie their shoe laces. So fuck off. Everything that you do affects the kids around you. They learn from your actions and they understand life through everything that is going on with them.

I could go on and on about this but I think I'm gonna go off topic so yeah, if I could change one thing about the world, it would be how children are being treated.

Greatest achievement of the day: 20/6/14

I am sitting here, listening to "This is What It Feels Like", W&W's remix of Armin's song while eating a quart of yogurt.

It's weird how painful breathing is. Everything just feels heavy. Even though it's painful, I also feel numb. My heart hurts but somehow my mutilated wrist didn't contribute to that. I can't remember half the things I've said or done. It sucks, it really does.

Greatest achievement of the day: I got up from bed, walked out of my dorm and went to get a drink and yogurt for dinner. It's pathetic as dinner but it's something because if I didn't force myself to get up, I'll just stay there till the next day.

Seeing that I can barely type out a proper sentence without zoning out after every word, I'll leave it until next time.

I have absolutely no hope left in me. A car would hit me and I wouldn't care but because of this, I am still here.

Day 15 of 30 challenge: What’s something you wish you could say to that someone?

Depending on what and who someone. I have so many things that I would like to say to a lot of people but there's always one. She caused me so much pain. Too much and I practically died from it. I'm a very very different person now. No, I don't need people telling me, I feel it, which is sad.

Dear you,

You fucked me up. Do you know that you completely fucked me up? All you said, this entire time, was "get over it", "try harder" and "what do you want me to do?" What do I want you to do? Tell me we are still friends. Tell me that you still need me in your life even though we don't hang out anymore. Tell me that you don't want to see me anymore. Tell me I am dead to you and you were using me all along. Fucker, do something about it. I did everything I could and it's up to you. You fucker, what do I want you to do? I want you to fucking suffer as I watch on.

I can't look through my phone's photo album because you are in 60% of all the photos. I can't listen to songs because there are so many songs that are associated with you. I remember the movies that you liked and realized even though I also liked them, I can never see them as MY movies because YOU liked them. My favorite songs are desecrated by the memories of you. Fuck you.

I can list out all the random things about you. I don't know how much about you has changed but I don't think I care now. You have been the biggest mistake that I have ever made. You were the one that made me hit rock bottom by just telling me to do so. The worst thing is that I'd do it because you said so, just like how a siren makes a sailor meet his death. You were a fucked person from the beginning. I should have seen that. I know that I refused to because I honestly loved you.

I remember the day that you didn't come to school because you got your stomach pumped. I remember the day where you fainted outside the classroom. I remember the morning you called when you got into an accident. I remember the night that you called when you were in Spain. I remember the day when you surprised me with you already back from Spain. I remember travelling to the Philippines with you. I remember tucking you into bed when you were so drunk. I remember acting as a look out whenever you wanted to smoke at home. I remember waking up at 1am to drive you to get your car which died earlier that day on a hill. I remember wrapping my arms around you while you cried and feeling completely helpless. I remember crying, telling you that I couldn't stop bleeding and all you could do is scream at me. I remember crying again, telling you how I feel and you frowning, telling me to try harder. I remember sitting in front of you, begging you to see that I am trying my best and you just coldly telling me to try harder again. You're a fucker.

You are a bitch, a fucked up asshole that threw me aside but kept me close enough so that it's be easier for you when you needed me. Now that you have a new group of friends, you completely ignored me. I never received any phone calls or messages from you anymore. Everything you said about loving me and me being someone that you trusted was a lie. If I was so important to you, why was it so easy to kick me out of your life? It's like you never existed now.

I don't remember what your laugh sounds like. I forgot what you sound like when you're happy. I forgot what your different smiles mean, or maybe all of them are just different depths of lies. I don't remember how you'd react when you're stressed. I don't remember if you like sushi or not. I don't remember your shoe size or the prescription of your eyesight. I don't remember what you look like when you're happy. I don't remember if you hated spinach or not. I don't remember the kind of pen that you use or your Starbucks order or your favorite book or if you ever loved me.

You broke me. Do you understand that, you broke me? Just like he broke you back in July 2011. The only difference is that I was holding you in your car while you were crying during a thunderstorm. I'm here now, feeling every ounce of this pain but I'm alone. I gave you everything, my time, my energy, my whole being. You said, "Not everyone will screw you over. I won't." Fuck you, I still remember that. It was in your study room. You were wearing that grey jumper from Philippines with your hair in a bun. You looked me in the eye when you said that. I honestly believed you then. Oh god, I really loved you.

You were the last person that I would ever hurt. Clearly, it's not the same with you. Do you even understand the thing with me now? I cannot feel anything more than a glimpse of pain. I cannot cry, nothing. When I was writing the paragraph above, I was so so close to tears and then, poof, gone. It's like my mind blocked it completely. It is a good thing for me though sometimes because I'd imagine beating you up and I'd just hit you over and over and over and over again. It doesn't even bother me that I might kill you. Or I'd just bludgeon him and make you watch.

I have no mercy for you now. I won't mind doing something that will cause you pain. I'd make sure to be a witness to it. Just like Regina from Once Upon A Time, your suffering will be my happy ending. I don't understand what you did, I don't think I'll ever understand it. You're a fucker. You're a fucked up person. I pity everyone who loves you because you'd just throw them away just like you did with everyone else. I know so much about you, and now I see it. You have no one close because you throw all of them away when they served their purpose.

Fuck you, F. I really loved you but now, fuck you. You'd never understand and I don't expect you to anymore.

Greatest achievement of the day.

My greatest achievement of the day is getting out of bed.

Depression has found its way back to me again. I woke up feeling the full weight of it. As what someone once said, "How can emptiness feel so heavy?" Exactly. Waking up has never been so numbing and painful, at least it hasn't been like that in a while. It was nice while it lasted.

I just wanted to stay in bed. I want to go back to daydreaming my fantasies of when things were good, when I can finally be happy, when someone finally loved me. One person can fuck you up, bad. Even if they, THEY, don't matter to you anymore, you still feel the pain, without them. I thought that I won't feel it when I'm over them. No, still woke up with the familiar but sad realization that I'm still alive.

I forced myself to get out of bed, to go to Muay Thai class. Even when I was halfway walking there, everything in my body was screaming at me to turn back and go back to bed. Weirdly, I still went and I managed to put on that mask.

After three weeks of leaving, I realized that I have not given myself the time to settle down or to feel. I don't feel. I haven't been feeling or I feel like I have been ignoring everything I want to feel. I am just numb.

Day 13 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change and why?

One thing. Hmm, I am pretty content with how I look now. Yeah, I'm a little overweight and stuff but I'm okay with me. 

However, if there is one thing, it would be my teeth. I would wish that they are a little smaller or at least be nice and not crooked. Honestly speaking, they're not crooked but my wisdom teeth is growing out so it sort of "ruined" the nicely-braced teeth. It's not bad now, like only I am conscious about it because it's very annoying. 

Why? Well, it's nice to have straight teeth.

This has been a boring post. I'm sorry :)

First blog post as a 21 year old.

I have not written in a long time, I have good reasons for it. Well, at least I think it's good. I don't know why I am explaining since I am talking to myself here.

I was home for the holidays, still am though. I have been doing practically nothing productive because there is nothing productive of my own to be done. House work and chores are different things. I'd just procrastinate until literally 20 minutes before my mum comes home and just finish it really really quickly. It looks something like Hit Girl in the movie Kick Ass 2, after she was given the adrenaline shot.

Things have been okay, I guess. At least that's what I would say to a stranger because I don't know how to explain what I have been feeling lately. Plus, people don't ask how are you to get an answer. It's small talk, they just want an "okay" and next question. Given all the time that I spend alone in KL, I have a tendency to keep things to myself now, or to my blog. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just became more private and you will only see what I show you.

I have been 21 for about a week now. I didn't expect anything like what happened with Harry Potter when he turned 11, to happen. It was nice to not feel the difference but then again, you do feel the urgency to become more responsible, more productive, more successful and so on because I am legally an adult now. With that being said, I also understand that with me being older, it means my parents are aging too, which further stressed my responsibility as the eldest in the family, to be more of an adult.

At 21, people would have expected you to be... not lost. Unfortunately, here I am, feeling as lost as I was 3 years ago, the only difference is that I was on my own. I had a best friend 3 years ago. She's gone now and I am alone. Again, it's not bad, I haven learnt to be content on my own now but it'd be nice to have someone, yknow.

However, I would like to look at the bright side of not knowing what to do with myself:

1. I am studying in a course that I really really like, which means I am most likely to go into that in the future.
2. I still see the importance of writing in my life and I am lucky because I still have something that I love that is mine.
3. I have the possibilities of everything lying ahead of me BECAUSE I don't have a plan.
4. I know what to look for slowly from my own experiences and even so, I can just change things if I don't like them.
5. I get to be selfish first.
6. I can try anything that I want and not regret it.

That's enough of me talking about me to me. I am surprisingly enjoying this. It beats talking to people because I am not a judgmental person and it sucks when people are. They say, you are your own best friend, yeah, in a lot of ways, it's true :)

Things that I found to be true after 21 years of living.

1. Eating good food everyday is not exactly a blessing, indigestion follows closely after that.
2. It should make a difference when someone loves you.
3. Good teachers may not necessarily be good people.
4. Apologizing always eases the tension after a fight.
5. You will always remember the people that you used to love. You will remember every detail of how you come to stop loving them. It will still hurt you, even if you're over it.
6. You will have dreams of killing people that pissed you off in real life, it's okay.
7. It's also okay to want a goat, an alpaca and a flying carpet.
8.You may stray a little growing up but you will go back to doing what you love. For me, it's writing and reading.
9. Growing up is shit. And very painful.
10. You will really REALLY love a person. They will eventually screw you over because that's what people do.
11. Being friends with yourself is nice, you don't really go wrong there.
12. Don't fall in love because everyone else had someone. You don't need anyone, you can survive very well on your own.
13. Make new friends, they can change and probably save your life.
14. Invest in a hobby, You're doing it for you, there's nothing wrong with that.
15. It's okay to want to punch people in the face but it's not okay if you actually do it. I'm sure you're not sorry after doing it.
16. It's okay to want to make people hurt just like how they hurt you. It will help you grieve.
17. It's okay to kiss guys and girls, as long as they don't belong to someone.
18. Writing is good for the soul, well, your soul. I don't know about other people.
19. It's okay to not love someone who loves you. If it's not there, it's not your fault.
21. It's okay to not follow the order of numbers because it's my blog, fuck you.
22. Everyone has their own stories of happiness and loss. Listen because they help you understand life more.
23. You can do so much more than you want to give yourself credit for. Don't be fucking modest, they get you nowhere.
24. You will want to change for someone, you will not want to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It's cool, you'll come back.
25. There will be days where you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed, play Sims 3 and starve.
26. Swearing is not okay or polite but you will start swearing because everyone is swearing. You will continue swearing because you won't know how to fucking stop swearing.
27. Sadness will always be a comfort zone and you will not be able to understand it but you will get out of it, slowly.
28. There will be days where you would want someone to love you but it's still cool if you don't feel like that two hours after.
29. Loving a guy is cool, loving a girl is cool too. You're able to love, unlike Voldermort.
20. The best "day" of your life will be a collection of moments that you don't want to forget: The way someone looks at you. The way that someone smiled at you. That day when you laughed so hard that you thought you beat depression. The day where you are happy to be alive.
30. Birthdays aren't all that special. It's just how you see the birth of yourself. YOU. Not anyone else, so congratulate yourself for making it this far. I would know, my birthday was just yesterday.

Day 10 of 30 challenge: What do you dislike the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)

Physically, easy. Would you like a list?

Okay, fine. The thing I dislike the most about myself physically is my stomach. It's big and it's like no matter what I do, it is still that big. I look 2 months pregnant even though I am not. It's sad but I have come to accept it and understand that I will never those girls on the billboard ads. It's a reminder that this is what I'll always be and I have to accept it. I don't mind much now but I still dislike it.

Emotionally, I hate the fact that I am never able to stop myself from loving someone, like I am very loyal. I will love you and full stop. Wow, that's sad. I have loved the same guy for the last 7 years and I never stopped. I loved my best friend since I met her. I still love her now even though we don't really talk anymore and I am no longer a necessity in her life. I never stop loving people even though I have to. As you can see from now, it brings back a lot of pain and memories that I don't want to remember.

Emotions - 1
Tryphena - 0

Well, this has been a pleasant post.

Have a nice day, everyone

Day 7 of 30 Challenge: What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?

My name is Tryphena Chin Xiao Huey.

Tryphena is a name from the Bible. It can found in the book Roman 16:12. It's under the greetings part of the book. It means the woman of God. I don't know why my parents gave me this name though. It's cool, I guess. Like it's a Roman name and all. I really should ask my parents.

Chin (陈), it's my surname. I can't choose that obviously but it means umm, a chin? You know, that bottom part of your face?

Xiao (筱) means dwarf bamboo HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am neither dwarf-like nor bamboo-shaped. I am considered quite tall and umm, build.

Huey, pronounced as "hui" (卉) means plants. I HATE PLANTS. I almost killed a cactus once and my best friend will never let me forget about it.

Well, my Chinese name basically is very plant-related. So, not me but I don't mind having my name. It's my name.

List of things I should have known by now: March 2014

1. Laundry really only takes a while to do, I shouldn't procrastinate. AT ALL.
2. Dishes, really. It's the same concept as laundry.
3. Changing your bed sheets make your bed feel more comfy.
4. It's okay to feel betrayed, just reason with yourself why you shouldn't feel it for long.
5. It's okay to be lonely, you'll learn to appreciate company of all different forms.
6. When you're hungry, just eat.
7. It's okay to indulge a little, you'll feel better.
8. Pain goes away. Eventually.
9. You'll never stop caring, or loving.
10. It's okay to have bad days.
11. Some stains really don't come off clothings.
12. Sadness comes with bad days but it's temporary, even if it doesn't seem so.
13. If it hurts, don't do it again.
14. Always be desperate enough to find hope.
15. Writing always helps.
16. You are your best friend.
17. It's okay to forgive.
18. Hurting is not how you want to live.
19. Being able to breathe is not a bad thing.
20. Pain goes away. Eventually

I dream that I killed you.

I dream that I killed you. It was swift, adrenaline driven and surprisingly satisfying. The thing I remembered about this was that I was so angry, so hurt and all I want to do is kill. Rage does things to you in case you didn't know.

I remember turning to face you and obviously my face displayed rage as my eyes shot daggers. You turned and started running. The sensation of running after you was weird, floaty but aggressive at the same time. I ran faster while you ran like a slug. I caught the side of your sleeve and somehow I teared off your whole shirt. I caught you in a headlock. You struggled very feebly. It's funny to see how your efforts are not and will not be helping you. I squeezed, closing off your airways and watched you gasp for air like a fish out of water. I enjoy the feel of slowly draining the life out of you but it's not horrible enough, I feel.

You turned purple. You gave up and you knew that you were gonna die. And at that point, there is no fun in this anymore. There is no satisfaction in killing someone who wants to die. So, I let go.

You breathing, wow, I really did not want that. You choked and coughed, you look absolutely terrified but grateful. You turned to look at me, your eyes gave you away. You wanted to know why I didn't kill you, why I changed my mind.

"You see, my dear," I cooed,

"The mind can be persuaded while the heart might be a completely different thing. I believe some people deserve a second chance," I said as I cupped my hands around your face.

"But you don't." And I snapped your neck.

You laid lifeless on the ground, Your face forever frozen in that state or horror and shock. I nudged your foot, yep, dead.

I dream that I killed him and it was the most satisfying feeling I have ever had.

Day 3 of 30 challenge: If you could wish for anything that would come true what would you wish for?

I am not the most superficial kind of person. I don't really want or need anything. Maybe it's cause I'm in a content stage of life at the moment. But anyway, if I could have anything in the world, I would have the whole All Star Converse Collection. I love Converse! I buy myself a new pair for my birthday every year. If I have the All Star Collection, I will be as happy as this guy.

Maybe I'll look much happier than him, HAHA.

Day 2 of 30 challenge: Who/what can’t you live without? Explain.

Mine is more of a who instead of a what. I mean, things are replaceable, people are not.

1. My family

 I honestly don't know where I will be without them.

My dad reminds me that life is not easy and you have to really work to be and make something of yourself. My dad used to be a pastor and yeah, we had a really hard life. It sucked to be looked down at, to be rejected by your peers and basically to not fit it. I sucked so bad. I used to blame my dad for being a pastor. At some times, I still do but again, I won't take anything back.

I am happy that everything I went through made me a stronger person. I became opinionated, strong-willed, insightful, sympathizing and very very determined in many ways. I love my dad, he is the most hardworking person that I have ever met in my life. My dad is the ultimate definition of survival. I love him.

My mum made me believe that I have a say in things, like my opinion matters, even though she didn't really ask when I was younger. My mum is the definition of tenacity. She fights, she shot across whatever life threw at her like a rocket that was launched towards space. She took everything head on.

My mum is one of the strongest women I have ever met. She used to care about what people think because she had to. When she was given a chance to not give a shit, she really did not give a shit. It was amazing to see it but it kinda killed me to see people being mean to her. It was a thing at her workplace, another long story. My mum loves my brothers and I. She would kill anyone who hurt us. I can see that and I wished I saw it sooner.

My brothers: Aaron and Joshua.

Aaron, he turned 18 just 10 days ago. He is my best friend and he's lame. He knows what I like and what I hate. I know him also. I know how he is. I know almost everything about him. I know his habits and his tactics when it comes to annoying me. He is very sensitive, he tends to not want to bother people unnecessarily. He stands his ground but compromises when he needs to. We used to fight A LOT. Now we're very close. When I was younger, I used to wish that he would die. Now I regret it, heh. I was such a horrible sister to him. I regret everything.

He loves me, no, he doesn't say it. Our family is not the type that announces "I LOVE YOU", we show it. For example, he would call me if I wasn't back home by 1am. When I asked why, he said that he's afraid that I was in trouble and couldn't call. I love him, I would do anything for him. I am teaching what is right and wrong slowly because he won't listen to my parents. At least though, he listens to me. My proudest moment as his sister is when his best friend asked me questions about him and I could answer every single one like a reflex.

Joshua, he is just a bowl of sunshine and laughter mixed together with very very mature and sharp senses. he is 8 and being in a family where everyone is literally above 18, makes him literally the baby. He is very independent and linguistic for his age. He talks like an adult and I secretly think that he is an old soul. He is very lame, he got that from his older brother. He is the only expressive one in the family because he was given the opportunity to. He loves me and he shows it. He counts down to the day that I come home from university.

It's a different relationship with him when compared to the older one because this is a kid. I watched him grow up, instead of growing up with him. He is a sensitive boy and might come off as a pushover because he doesn't like conflicts and tends to just compromise. I will teach him to stand his ground and not be a pushover. I will teach him how to treat girls and how to love. I will teach him everything that I have learn in the last 20 years of my life. I will teach him to appreciate the art of language and words. I will teach him that life is a masterpiece waiting to happen, even in times of pain and troubles.

2. My best friend, Francine.
She is surprisingly the only one who is ever honest with me. She is the only who picked up whenever I called at times that I was breaking down. She is the one that I can sit in silence with and it's not awkward. I can talk to her about anything. She showed me what friends are really for and what it mean to be a friend to someone. She showed me how to laugh, how to smile, how to look for the little things in life, how to be strong and how to keep going. She gave me strength. I doubt her sometimes because my mind is never in the right state for anything, hence, the cutting. Even when I doubt her, I still had the faith and the hope to trust her and to believe in her, it IS something because usually I just push people away.

She is the first person that I can have proper conversations about sex with. She makes me laugh, she understands my lame sense of humor. She gets me and it's amazing to have that. I love how I smile when I'm around her. I love how I am me when I am with her. She's a stupid motherfucker and I mean it in the most loving way. She is like a sister that I never had. She is like level 1 if I ever get a boyfriend. She will be the first person I talk to if there is anything major happening in my life. She is part of my everything. I love her, I know she will never read this so she doesn't know how much I am really grateful to have ever met her and how much I love her. Like, I will kill anyone that hurts her. I can write an autobiography about her like I would my family, but I won't. Not now.

Day 1 of 30 challenge: What do you regret the most?

This will be something personal to me and I will skim through it.

I regret cutting. I regret starting. I just regret it. If I could go back, I would tell my 14 year old self that everything will be okay and I turned out awesome. Then again, I survived so long because of cutting. I am not sure how I will turn out.. I regret it but I don't think I would change it if I could. It has become a huge part of my past and it shaped me into who I am today and I am pretty proud of how I turned out.

Regretting and wanting to change it is different. I guess, I made peace with this mistake that I have completely accepted it.

No, I wouldn't change it. I don't know who or where I am without these scars etched on my body.

Love, unconditional.

There are all sorts of love in this world. The one that I'll focus on now is the unconditional kind, the kind that will always make you care no matter what. It's the kind that you know will never change, just the way you show it.

It is mature but knowing when to laugh at the childish stuff. It is protective but trusting them enough to let them venture out. It is not forceful but you know when to talk senses into them when they make a decision. It is observant but you step in when you need to. It is just loving the person no matter what happens between you two. It is wanting the best for each other, always being there no matter what and just trusting that they won't ever leave you. The most important thing is that they are happy, no matter what. It is a big bet and a big risk, it will hurt at some point but it takes a few cracks while using time as a catalyst to make it stronger.

You can't learn how to love people unconditionally. There is no complete checklists. There are certain traits to it but things and circumstances change so it's not absolute but I assure you that you WILL know when you love someone unconditionally because you feel it.

\

I saw you laughing with them. You were so happy. My eyes lingered on you, I know I will pay for it later which is what I am currently doing. You looked beautiful, big smiles and all. It was a nice scene to witness. I gave myself a small smile. Yep, definitely feel it coming. It was worth it, I guess. 

And I looked away.

tumblr musings #9

Sometimes I feel like I’m not solid. I’m hollow. There’s nothing behind my eyes. I’m a negative of a person. All I want is blackness, blackness and silence

tumblr musings #8

I guess I’m pretty much of a lone wolf. I don’t say I don’t like people at all, but, to tell you the truth, I only like it then if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds