Difference: Drawing vs Writing

All has been well. And I am quite glad.

For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.

I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.

She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.

She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.

She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person

I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.

I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.

So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.

Writing FTW!

Swedish House Mafia Concert

We Went. We Raved. We Loved.

It was amazing :)

My first concert was amazing.

The lights were incredible.

The crowd had the best energy ever.

The feeling of everything was simply good.

For the first time, I felt like I am part of something bigger, something important that happened.

I remember seeing the raindrops in the spotlight and tasting it.

I remember being in synced with the crowd, singing and jumping.

I remember turning to my right and having Jason smile at me.

I remember not feeling lonely because he was with me.

I remember the adrenalin that rushed through my body when I first got to the venue.

I remember the excitement when SHM played the first song.

I remember standing in the drizzling rain with my phone up in the air, hoping to capture the pictures and videos.

I remember say "ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit.." when it started to rain because my phone was out.

I remember being able to look at up in the air and smile, giving thanks to God for the chance to be there.

I remember living in those moments, second by second.

I remember being happy for myself for making this far in life, alive.

I remember being happy for being at the concert for me, not anyone else.

I remember being thankful for every single second that lead up to that concert,

And they say when you live in the moment, you'll feel infinite.

That's exactly what it felt like under the dancing lights and booming bass.

 Despite the pain that I felt before, during and after the concert and also the day after the concert, 

everything else was good.

I have no regrets :) x

A prayer of an 11-year-old Holocast victim

"God? How good you are, how kind and if one had to count the number of goodnesses and kindnesses You have done, one would never finish.

God? It is You who command. It is You who are justice, it is You who reward the good and punish the evil.

God? It is thanks to you that I have a beautiful life before, that I was spoiled, that I had lovely things hat others do not have.

God? After that, I ask You one thing only: Make my parents come back, my poor parents protect them (even more than You protect me) so that I can see them again as soon as possible.

Make them come back again. Ah! I had such a good mother and such a good father! I have such faith in You and I thank You in advance."

- 11-year-old Liliane Gerenstein, 
  extracted from http://www.deathcamps.info/Letters/new_page_2.htm

She was a Jewish orphan who was caught along with her brother and other kids at one of the orphanage. She was gassed a few days after she arrived at the camps during world war 2. It was basically like the end of the world for them but yet, she still have the faith to thank God for everything. From the letter, she's telling God that she's not afraid because he's with her.

And I am here, going to university, with a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, complaining about the things that does NOT amount to half the things that she went through. What does that say about me?

God? I am sorry for complaining. I am sorry for not being grateful. I am sorry for all the things that I have said. I have not thanked you for all the things that I have in a while now. I thank you for the things that are going well, I thank you for the things that are not. I thank you for reminding me how much I have to be grateful for. I thank you for waking me up form my slumber. I thank you for everything good and bad.

"Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." -Psalms 23:4

Even in the face of death, I will pray, for I am not afraid.

Dear God, give me strength to get through every day.

Not fair.

Dear God, this is not fair. It sucks enough that there's more than 3000 miles between us. It's not fair that I still have feelings after 3 years. It's not fair for me to keep having hope even though I know that it might not work out. How can I look at other people and not be jealous? It's not fair.

A Thank You letter to God :)

Dear God,

I want to thank you for another day of life. I thank you for the air I breathe, for the food I eat. I thank you for the place I call home and for my parents and my brothers. I want to thank you for the people that you have put into my life.

Thank you for being there even when I didn't want you to be around. Thank you for staying even when I was unconsciously pushing you away. Thank you for comforting me when I was straying in the dark. Thank you for showing me the way back when I was lost. Thank you for giving me peace when I was worrying and when I was about to lose my head.

I can never thank you enough for the people that I have in my life now. I know there are times when I doubt and hate everything and everyone. I thought the past would catch up with me and everything would just repeat itself again. I know sometimes I doubt your word even though I know in my heart that you love me and all you want for me is the best. I know sometimes I say that I don't feel you, hear you or anything. I am sure you know how exactly I feel about the people leaving and stuff because I know you feel it too.

Thank you for putting her in my life. Thank you for putting me through what I did over the few years because of all that, I am now able to fully appreciate and love a friend like her. It's like she's my angel sent by you. It's like when I am doubting you and her and everything, she will always be the one to say that she will always be there and just give me a reason to go on. Everything that she said to me is like a reminder from you and her, telling me that it's not the end. Everything was exactly what I need to hear every single time. A friend like this can only come from the best, that is you.

Thank you for giving me the strength to get back up right after a fall. Thank you for giving me the confidence to stand up tall and walk with my head up. Thank you for giving me someone to be my rock and for being my rock at the same time. Thank you for giving me the ability to understand other people and to care about them the same way you care about me.

You will always be that someone that will be there even after 10th thousand years because you live forever. I thank you for my best friend, she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want her to go anywhere.

Thank you for loving me.

I love you.
Sincerely,
Tryphena x

Lord, you seem so far away
A million miles or more, it feels today.

It's like I can't see you anymore, God, are you there? Can you hear me? Why is it that I am always left to feel like I have nothing else left? Why? God, can you hear me? Answer me.

And though I haven't lost my faith,
I must confess right now, that it's hard for me to pray.

Lord, I don't know what to say,
And i don't know where to start.
But as you give me grace, you'll always be in my heart.

Lord, I still believe in you. I believe the miracles and I believe that you died for me. Is that enough for me to ask for joy? Is it too much for me to just want to smile without faking it? Why do I feel like I'm going through this alone? I used to talk to you. Now, no words can describe everything that I want to say. I would open my mouth to talk to you but nothing came out. I could only sing, knowing you can hear me while letting my tears fall in the shower.

Lord, are you there? How can you hear my cries and not rescue me? How can you see my tears and leave me here to suffer?

I will sing, I will praise.
Even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain.

I know I have nothing left to offer to you. I would give you all of my heart but it's not really whole or perfect. I would I would give you my everything but I really don't have anything. I know you love me and you want me to learn from life but what I'm living now is not a life. It's a darkness that has no light. Somewhere, where I can be nothing, invisible, is all i ask for. Is it too much?

\

Lord, if you love me, you would let me die or at least take away my heart.

Like vinegar on a wound is one who sing songs to a heavy heart.

Sometimes you wait for this feeling to go away.
Sometimes it does,
Sometimes it doesn't.
You hope that this is just a dream,
A horrible one so to speak
But you know deep inside,
What is real and what is not.

Sometimes praying helps but
Sometimes it doesn't.
You end up being stuck in this black abyss that never ends,
Wishing so hard, hoping your life will end.
But you never get what you want, not really.

You lie on the floor,
Yes, it's cold and it somehow feels like your soul.
It's kinda hard to stop what you feel
Because it's not by choice
So it will never be gone, ever.
Lying there has never felt so empty.
It's like sinking in a whirlpool, but
You're just not dying.

This darkness can only pull me down so much
Some other times, I would just let myself fall
Into everything, into nothing.
Closing your eyes doesn't stop the spinning,
It makes fall you faster, deeper into nothingness.

\

Wake up in the morning with your heart racing, everything begins again.

If I could do anything for you, anything, you know I would do it.

When your heart breaks, so does mine.
When your tears fall, so does mine.

This pain that I've witnessed, this is far too much.
Dear God, how much longer will life torment her?
How much more do you think she can take?
She's barely a woman but yet, her life is harder than most.
Is this suppose to help her?
Or was it destinied to break her down?

Dear God, this is not fair.
Why is she the only one suffereing from this?
Why does she have to hide this pin?
isn't this wrong?

Dear God, where are you?

If only I had you back then, would I still make the same mistake?

This one is for Andrew Vun.

Andrew, may the dear Lord bless you.
We got closer over the past few months
Not sure when but it might be a month or two.
So there we were, same boss, same course and all
So here I sit wondering for so long,
Why was it that we never mingle, or at least said hi?
Were we that oblivious to the existance of each other
Or just simply shy?

Now, here we are.
It's October at the moment,
Exams, secret outings,
We will remember all of these when we're aged and wrinkly.
It'd be nice to tell our grandkids these stories,
About a girl and two guys screaming in the car of a maniac driver
Boy, Andrew,
They will laugh with disbelief and say,
Grandpa, you screamed?

I guess it's safe to say you are one of my best friends now.
It's a blessing and I'm not kidding.
You're like the big brother I never had.
Yes, I know you're younger but you act older that your age.
I'll let you in on something,
Even though I am sure everyone else who reads this will know this.
For the first time in my life,
I actually felt protected in a way,
Safe, so to speak.
Andrew, you know my story and everything else.
I lost hope and you know it.
Remember what you said?
The beating-him-up-even-though-you're-just-saying thing?
Thank you for not asking why I let it happen.
Your hugs, they actually comfort me.
You make me feel,
Safe.
You're like a big brother even though you're not.
I let my guard down even though I know I'm not suppose to.
Because for once, I believe that you won't hurt me.

So, to my unrelated brother,
Let it be older or younger.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Take risks, have fun.
Be crazy, be loud.
You're young, there are no restrictions.
Fall in love, fall out of love.
Do new things, prefect old skills.
Build a bridge, dig a hole.
Plant a tree, look for firewood.
Study till you die, die because you woke up.
Sing out loud, dance your heart out.
Take what's free and buy what's not.
Ignore trends and start your own.
Don't follow the crowd, define cool by your own standards.
Admit when you're wrong, rejoice when you're right.
Learn that nothing is perfect and perfection is achieved through mistakes.
Remember who you are and no one can change that.
Learn to surf when there are waves, climb higher when it floods.
Rise above the odds when everything is against you.
Remember to trust God always, for He never leaves you.
Believe in love, be strong in your faith.
Always hope because miracles can happen.
Listen not to gossipers but welcome the company of the wise.
Remember how to differentiate black and white, for the times are turning grey now.
Never doubt your instincts because God put it there to guide you.
Your heart may be decieved, trust God when you don't know where to turn.
Take a break when you need one, pushing yourself might differ results.
Treat people the way you wanted to be treated, this, I'm sure you're doing really well.
Smile, laugh, cry, get mad, every emotion, to be explored in this short life.
Live it well because I'm sure you won't get another.
Ignore insults from people who don't know you, they don't define you.
Everything else in life is planned out by God, so go with God's flow even when times are hard.

I hope she's sees everything I see in you and maybe more of it.
You're an amazing guy, remember that.
A good brother and a good friend.
You know I love you dearly, so don't forget me because I know you don't dare to.
One day, if I ever get to walk down the aisle,
You know you better be there because afterall, you're my big but younger brother, in so many ways.

Francine is my froggie :3

Soooooo,

It's 3.05am as I'm typing this. I can't sleep and I'm craving for fried chicken. Yes, people. Insomnia makes you want stuff. Heh.

I have been doing my Chemistry past year papers and I'm starting to get the hang of it. You see, I'm not usually the type of person to actually study and DO past year questions but now I don't really have a choice. Idon't want to fail. No, I can't do that to my parents, can't to that to myself either. I guess I'm just beginning to prove to everyone and mostly myself that I can do something when I really work for it.

It's a new thing for me. I usually give up when I don't understand something. But this time, I refuse to quit even when my first instinct was to run away. I'm not sure why but I think I like it. It's nice trying to work for something for a change.

I'm still not sure why I'm doing science but God has something up his sleeve. Afterall, nothing even happens for no reason. I swear my brainis dying right now.

I can never be thankful and grateful enough for God and the people I have in my life right now. They are the reason why I wake up in the morning and the reason for me to smile. Yes, the girl whose name is currently my blog post's title is one of them. I really should give God the credit for whatever he is doing in my life.

Dear God,

I am really sleepy and apparently I can't sleep. Anyway, thank you for everything and everyone that you have put into my life. I am happy with whatever you are planning but it'd be nice to leave like that for just a bit, if you please.

I used to say life is a bitch but to tell you the truth, it's better now. I will not complain about the hardships and the emotional struggles that I've been through, even though I do wish that it had not happened. They've made me stronger and made me the person I am today despite the shell cracks and battle scars that were left behind, as trophies, lessons and reminders.

Nevertheless, I still thank you, for doing whatever that you did because I'm still here, breathing and living.

Love, Tryphena.

I think I will try to sleep now.
Goodnight.

P/S 5 more days till AS Exams.