Day 16 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

There's a lot of things that one would change when given the chance. For mine, it's the way that children is treated.

Children, to me, are the sincerest, purest and most innocent beings ever and people abuse that about them because "they don't know any better" and "it's okay, they'll have to learn that life is shit sooner or later". Fuck you. They ask genuine and real questions, out of curiosity. They don't know understand what hate, insults, spite and those other emotions are. They don't know how to feel unwanted, how to abandon someone or how to open the fridge door. They represent a clean slate that most of us so desperately want. They are a complete new life, a new book which is waiting to be written.

When you ask a child something that requires them to have an opinion, their answers surprise you. I have a brother who is 9 this year and he likes to play with barbies. My family just let him.

Once, I asked him, "Why do you think you like to play barbie dolls?" "I don't know. I like it because they get to be pretty and their clothes are very beautiful," he said. Then, he turned to me and with the most childlike voice, asked, "Jie jie, do you think that you and me switched bodies because you don't like to play barbies and I like barbies?"

How am I supposed to explain to him about social norms? He is 9 and he's supposed to just enjoy whatever he's doing now. I did anyway, using the simplest words and situations to explain to him that the world isn't fair to boys who shows any signs of femininity. He went quiet and said, "It's okay, no one in my school knows," and continues playing. And I, unknowingly, taught him what shame is.

I wish that the world could have an open mind about children. Everything they do WILL have an effect on their future. When I was younger, I read a lot, like A LOT. Now I am in a Mass Communication course, planning to be a journalist or a writer for the media industry. Given my little brother as an example, he might be the next designer. I try to show him that it is possible to be anything you want and it is nothing to be ashamed. I am grateful that the media is showing a lot of guys being involved in the music industry and in the fashion industry. He used to be ashamed about ballet but now, he thinks the SYTYCD guy dancers are the coolest.

It's not fair that kids have to conform to all the social standards that the society has set. All the labels are so unfair, especially when given to little kids who have not even learn how to tie their shoe laces. So fuck off. Everything that you do affects the kids around you. They learn from your actions and they understand life through everything that is going on with them.

I could go on and on about this but I think I'm gonna go off topic so yeah, if I could change one thing about the world, it would be how children are being treated.

I get it.

I get it. I understand what he means. 

I have a little brother who is turning 9 this year and he is "full of love and joy, kissing every person he meets because everyone is good and will do him no harm". He loves so unconditionally and he has such a kind and pure soul. I love him to bits and the thought of harm coming his way makes me cringe. I would dive in head first if I should ever need to save him.

The idea of people breaking him in to little pieces and hardening him into someone like me..

Me.

I don't let people love me, I push everyone away. I put up walls so high that no one else could ever get it. I had to force myself out of bed, force myself to open my eyes, to stop crying, to not die. The concept of me being happy, being loved is completely extincted. I no longer dream, no longer hope, no longer live.

He, "who reminds me too much of what I used to be", has so much dreams, hope and life,  and is capable of conquering the world in his sleep. He is so happy, so full of laughter, so loving. I love him so much.

If anyone should ever hurt him, I will rip them into shreds. The idea of him not being him anymore in the future, "terrifies me to the point where I can barely function".

I get it.

On leaving your place and people you call home.

Three nights ago,
I cried myself to sleep.
I was home, in bed.
Knowing that I am leaving, home.
You'd think that
you'd get used to the goodbyes to your family,
friends, home.
You'd think that all the loneliness will fade
and you'd be accustomed to being alone, by now.

However,
I don't think that people,
I, can get used to leaving
the people I love behind.

Then, I cried myself to sleep
the next night after the first.
My dreams were messy,
there was running and no ends.
No goals, no finish line,
I was running from something but
I don't know what.

I didn't cry
the night before I left.
I didn't feel anything, I was
smiling.
I guess, I malfunctioned.

I cried when I was on the plane.
I hyperventilated to stop, it worked pretty well.
My best friend said that she misses me already.
Then, I thought about the last few times that
we hung out.
I remember feeling complete.
I remember being safe.
I remember being home.
I remember looking at her, and just laughing
because she made a look.
I miss her again and maybe, more
when I think about it.
I cried harder.

I reached my dorm.
I remember that
I won't hear my little brother run up the stairs.
I can't hear my brother singing in the shower.
I can't call my best friend to go out.
The jiggle of keys, the way the place smells.
The sound of water pumping and the way my bed feels.
It's familiar but
it's not home.
I sat up from my bed and
I cried.

Dreaming of home.

I have been in my room for the whole day
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I din't want anyone to see my existence,
at least I want to forget that I exist, for a while
Then, I fell asleep
I was home,
I smell the sea, I smell..
Dinner
I saw my family,
my brothers were asleep, with the youngest
being only three
It was peaceful, it was right
Dinner smelled amazing,
it's like I can taste it
It's exactly how it should taste.

I saw my grandma,
I didn't realize how much I've missed her
I miss her food and her constant worrying
I miss having real dinners
I miss my family
Somehow, being where I am now,
I forgot what everything feels like back home
It's like I was never there
And everything was just my imagination
Whereas for things to feel real,
it can only be relived in my dreams

Brothers, they grow up too, you know?

I found this on Facebook. I wrote it last year. It's somewhat therapeutic and comforting for me to read this.  It reminds me that no matter how much things have changed, some parts of it will; always be the same.

Dedicated to my brother, Aaron.

His face popped up behind me when I was paying for my extra large tutti-fruity slurpee. I looked back, there was my brother standing behind me in 7-11. He said hi with an enthusiasm that I have known for years while he stood there, drenched in sweat after so many rounds of cycling around the neighborhood.

He has black glossy hair which will point in different directions when it grew out, an impish smile that reflects his inner kid, which acts as a contrast to his now less boyish good looks. He has a strong jawline and a straight nose that makes him enviously photogenic. He is considered short for a 16-year old but is slowly gaining height everyday. Despite the gender and age difference, we have the same eyes and the same wacky personality.

We grew up chasing each other around clothes rack and shelves in department stores, fighting over the longest piece of french fry, singing and jamming to the theme song of "Tom and Jerry kids" on top of a trampoline and constructing a "castle" using our bunk beds and blankets. That was about 8 to 10 years ago. Where did time go?

Now I'm 18 with scrapped knees and elbows that came with consistent bicycle falls and amazing hide-and-seek skills that can be only be perfected with years of practices. And he's almost 16 with the most generous heart, amazing technology information in his brain that is obtained somewhere and a pair of hands that can fix anything that has wires and other stuff that I don't know.But he's still the same boy who wants me to go to the arcade and play with him or do anything with him just so he won't be alone.

I paid for my slurpee while he paid for his RM 10 reload. It then occurred to me that he still had the same mischievous look he has when he was 6. It's nice to know some things don't change or disappear. I got in the car and started the engine. Then, I looked up just in time to see him speeding towards me. In two lightning fast seconds, he swerved with his legs on the ground and did a sharp turn while hitting on the brakes. He finished the stunt with a grace that I rarely see in guys and turned to face me with a smile on his face, looking pleased with himself. For a second, I was stunned and impressed. Cool. And to think that I taught him how to ride a bike about 10 years ago.

With the reload coupon in his mouth, he rode off back home while I drove myself to tuition. We used to ride bikes together. He laughed so hard when I told him I nearly fell into the drain. I used to hide his little plush toy and snickered when he couldn't find it. We used to pretend that we were the Prime Ministers in a parade when we were playing with our bikes and scooters. And somehow, I remember that he used to eat durian when he was younger.

He is different in a way that no one can ever imitate. His love for old songs and funny videos is part of what defines him. The kid in him will always love turtle plush toys and cats. His nerdy side will love anything that processes fast and has the word "beats" on it. The guy in him will forever belong to gross-ness and cars and he might have something against ants and mosquitoes. He loves to pluck the mosquitoes' legs and is now starting to like pinching the ant's butt off its body. Everything about him brings back different, hilarious memories for me and I'm sure for my family too.

As I'm driving, I wondered how different would life be for him and me if I leave for university? I wonder if he would miss me because I know I will miss him, his lame but funny jokes and his retarded and hilarious dances. It'd be weird not to have some one annoying you with songs that you hate and it'd be very quiet without his constant singing in the shower with blasting speakers.

Time flies when you're growing up but he'll always and forever be my little brother no matter how old we both are. So, who says everything has to change?

If only I had you back then, would I still make the same mistake?

This one is for Andrew Vun.

Andrew, may the dear Lord bless you.
We got closer over the past few months
Not sure when but it might be a month or two.
So there we were, same boss, same course and all
So here I sit wondering for so long,
Why was it that we never mingle, or at least said hi?
Were we that oblivious to the existance of each other
Or just simply shy?

Now, here we are.
It's October at the moment,
Exams, secret outings,
We will remember all of these when we're aged and wrinkly.
It'd be nice to tell our grandkids these stories,
About a girl and two guys screaming in the car of a maniac driver
Boy, Andrew,
They will laugh with disbelief and say,
Grandpa, you screamed?

I guess it's safe to say you are one of my best friends now.
It's a blessing and I'm not kidding.
You're like the big brother I never had.
Yes, I know you're younger but you act older that your age.
I'll let you in on something,
Even though I am sure everyone else who reads this will know this.
For the first time in my life,
I actually felt protected in a way,
Safe, so to speak.
Andrew, you know my story and everything else.
I lost hope and you know it.
Remember what you said?
The beating-him-up-even-though-you're-just-saying thing?
Thank you for not asking why I let it happen.
Your hugs, they actually comfort me.
You make me feel,
Safe.
You're like a big brother even though you're not.
I let my guard down even though I know I'm not suppose to.
Because for once, I believe that you won't hurt me.

So, to my unrelated brother,
Let it be older or younger.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Take risks, have fun.
Be crazy, be loud.
You're young, there are no restrictions.
Fall in love, fall out of love.
Do new things, prefect old skills.
Build a bridge, dig a hole.
Plant a tree, look for firewood.
Study till you die, die because you woke up.
Sing out loud, dance your heart out.
Take what's free and buy what's not.
Ignore trends and start your own.
Don't follow the crowd, define cool by your own standards.
Admit when you're wrong, rejoice when you're right.
Learn that nothing is perfect and perfection is achieved through mistakes.
Remember who you are and no one can change that.
Learn to surf when there are waves, climb higher when it floods.
Rise above the odds when everything is against you.
Remember to trust God always, for He never leaves you.
Believe in love, be strong in your faith.
Always hope because miracles can happen.
Listen not to gossipers but welcome the company of the wise.
Remember how to differentiate black and white, for the times are turning grey now.
Never doubt your instincts because God put it there to guide you.
Your heart may be decieved, trust God when you don't know where to turn.
Take a break when you need one, pushing yourself might differ results.
Treat people the way you wanted to be treated, this, I'm sure you're doing really well.
Smile, laugh, cry, get mad, every emotion, to be explored in this short life.
Live it well because I'm sure you won't get another.
Ignore insults from people who don't know you, they don't define you.
Everything else in life is planned out by God, so go with God's flow even when times are hard.

I hope she's sees everything I see in you and maybe more of it.
You're an amazing guy, remember that.
A good brother and a good friend.
You know I love you dearly, so don't forget me because I know you don't dare to.
One day, if I ever get to walk down the aisle,
You know you better be there because afterall, you're my big but younger brother, in so many ways.

Love of a younger brother

It was dinner time and there was a disagreement on the table. The topic of my two brothers who often argue came up. The older one defended himself saying that, the younger brother disrespected him and often scolded him too. I sort of disagreed with it but I kept my mouth shut. The little 6-year old boy said, in his defense, that the older brother is always bullying him and that the brother is always the one starting a quarrel.

For everyone who has younger or older siblings will understand that the older one will always lose this kind of battle. This is partly true because in this case, my parents and I often witnessed the older one being a little bit meaner than necessary to the little one. Obviously, as an older sister, you would not really take sides. My little brother is six and the older brother is sixteen but yet, the younger one is being the mature one. I am eighteen and I dare say that 6-year-old can be 16 for his maturity.

After promising me, my mum and himself, the older one promised that he would not speak to his little brother ever again. Upon hearing this, the little one did not appear to be upset, angry or even hateful. He simply continued eating his dinner like nothing happened. I can see his little face falling from heaven but he did not cry or shed even a drop of tear.

After the older brother excused himself from the table, the little one also got up but he left to get a piece of paper and a pencil. He started writing while asking for the spelling of his brother's name, " do not" and "okay". When I pieced together the words he's trying to tell his older brother, it broke my mum's heart as it broke mine.

I love you if you do not love me, then it's okay.

He delivered it to his older brother's bedroom, with a quiet knock on the door and "Gor gor, can I come in?" He was only greeted by a harsh no from the inside. So, he slipped the note under the door and quietly went to take his bath without a fuss. And my little brother is only six.

Then, I asked him, "Did gor gor say anything?"

"No, he didn't say anything."

"Are you sad?"

"Yes but good thing, I have Ipad to keep me busy,"

"Why do you love him if he doesn't love you?"

He turned away from the Ipad screen, looked me square in the eyes, "Because he is my brother, I love him even if he doesn't love me."

He is six years old and that was his answer.