Day 16 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

There's a lot of things that one would change when given the chance. For mine, it's the way that children is treated.

Children, to me, are the sincerest, purest and most innocent beings ever and people abuse that about them because "they don't know any better" and "it's okay, they'll have to learn that life is shit sooner or later". Fuck you. They ask genuine and real questions, out of curiosity. They don't know understand what hate, insults, spite and those other emotions are. They don't know how to feel unwanted, how to abandon someone or how to open the fridge door. They represent a clean slate that most of us so desperately want. They are a complete new life, a new book which is waiting to be written.

When you ask a child something that requires them to have an opinion, their answers surprise you. I have a brother who is 9 this year and he likes to play with barbies. My family just let him.

Once, I asked him, "Why do you think you like to play barbie dolls?" "I don't know. I like it because they get to be pretty and their clothes are very beautiful," he said. Then, he turned to me and with the most childlike voice, asked, "Jie jie, do you think that you and me switched bodies because you don't like to play barbies and I like barbies?"

How am I supposed to explain to him about social norms? He is 9 and he's supposed to just enjoy whatever he's doing now. I did anyway, using the simplest words and situations to explain to him that the world isn't fair to boys who shows any signs of femininity. He went quiet and said, "It's okay, no one in my school knows," and continues playing. And I, unknowingly, taught him what shame is.

I wish that the world could have an open mind about children. Everything they do WILL have an effect on their future. When I was younger, I read a lot, like A LOT. Now I am in a Mass Communication course, planning to be a journalist or a writer for the media industry. Given my little brother as an example, he might be the next designer. I try to show him that it is possible to be anything you want and it is nothing to be ashamed. I am grateful that the media is showing a lot of guys being involved in the music industry and in the fashion industry. He used to be ashamed about ballet but now, he thinks the SYTYCD guy dancers are the coolest.

It's not fair that kids have to conform to all the social standards that the society has set. All the labels are so unfair, especially when given to little kids who have not even learn how to tie their shoe laces. So fuck off. Everything that you do affects the kids around you. They learn from your actions and they understand life through everything that is going on with them.

I could go on and on about this but I think I'm gonna go off topic so yeah, if I could change one thing about the world, it would be how children are being treated.

Greater than.

“who taught you 

that the 

value of a woman

is the ratio

of her waist 

to her hips

and the circumference

of her buttocks

and the volume 

of her lips?

Your math 

is

dangerously wrong.

Her value 

is 

nothing less

than

infinite.”

- 'Greater than' by Della Hicks-Wilson

tumblr musings #5

“It is terrifying to think that one day you will trust somebody enough to let them see you naked. You will undress and remind them that you’ve stretch marks and birth marks and scars from having chicken pox when you were little and scars from all of the other things now. You will blush thousands of shades of red, painting yourself as a rose losing its petals. And that person - that person will take it all in. And I wonder if they will reassure you. But mostly, I wonder if they will even see anything worth reassuring you about. I hope they see each freckle on your back as if it’s a star and you are the whole universe to them.”

Educate yourself to be happy.

“Do not educate yourself to be rich, educate yourself to be happy. That way when you get older you’ll know the value of things, not the price. In the end, you will come to realize that the best days are the days when you don’t need anything extreme or special to happen to make you smile. You simply appreciate the moments and feel gratitude, seeking nothing else, nothing more.”

23/8/13 - the day before.

I've never told anyone this,

I am beyond terrified to go back to KL. That idea of being stuck in a room with someone that I hate. I hate my roommate, I hate her existence. I think partly it's because she reminds me of the solitude that I will be facing very soon. I am terrified of being stuck in a room with myself. Right now, packing seems to be physically painful and now all I want to do is run away. I know that putting back packing is not a good idea but that doesn't mean I want to do it. I seem to always be running endlessly away from something in slow motion in my dreams nowadays. Not a good feeling.

I know I don't seem to show that I care but truth to be told, I am scared. Not visibly. No, but I know that I am slowly shutting down.

Angels on earth

And I started crying after reading this.

I know exactly who this person is in my life :)

"fine".

hey, how are you?
No, I'm good.
No, really. I'll be fine.
Yeah, it's only depression.
No biggie.
Everything hurts
and it's hard to breathe sometimes
but yeah, 
no biggie.

it amazes me how beautiful some girls are and I'm just here trying to not look like a tablecloth.

avoiding.

I've been trying to not die everyday. It's probably the worst thing for anyone to ever feel. It's not easy, trying to find a reason to not jump off a cliff or to just not press harder when a razor touches your skin. You literally hear your heartbeats and you can't help, but wish that it was numbered. It's not hard to hide this throbbing pain in your chest. Only you feel it. No one else can see it, I guess that's the part that sucks.

I know I act happy, laughing and all with other people. I'm not sure why but it's just my natural reaction to people. I mean, I don't even need to fake it, all the lies of how I am feeling just pour out. I know Francine heard it in my voice. She asked if I was okay because I sound upset. She heard it in less than 30 seconds. it's not a mask, I know I'm not putting on any because I don't even pretend to be happy. It's just.. there.

I've been mad and angry at everything recently. It's like my brain refuses to register any emotion other than anger. It's not healthy because it gives me headaches. I just feel hatred for everyone and everything that breathes. I know that being angry numbs everything else. Numb is good. At least numb allows me to function. That is until I broke down a few days ago and everything that I refused to feel for the past three weeks came flooding back and I couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating.

You know what's the worst part of all these? You can't do anything about this. You can only feel everything and try very hard to tell yourself that it's not real or that it's ending soon, even though you know it very well that you're just lying to yourself.

I've written notes and things before just in case but come to think of it, I really shouldn't. If anything does happen, they'll have to remember me by what they want to remember me by in the first place. If they really didn't care, a note about them won't make them start caring.

I felt broken when I started writing this post but right now, numbness again. I guess it's a good thing because I think I was this close to having another meltdown.

And then, there is you. The only one who can make me feel better when I feel utterly hopeless and the only one who can take away all the hope that I will ever get to feel.

Trying not to love you, only goes so far. 
Trying not to need you, it's tearing me apart. 
I see the silver lining, down here on the floor
I just keep on trying but I don't know what for.
'cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.

\

I love you to the moon and back, I'd go further if you asked me to.

"You're beautiful. Please stop."

I found this on Facebook. It helps and even though I've never heard people say this to me, it still means the world to see that people like Peter exist.

Shitty, just shitty.Just a list of things that I hate.

I've had the most messed up weekend. I'm too annoyed right now to write about it.

But things are just simply shitty.
I feel like I am so mad and angry at the world and I just want to hate everyone and everything.
I hate the trees that never grows big enough to give us shade here in KL.
I hate the fact that I am alone here and there is simply no one to talk to and the stupid fact that I stick out like a sore thumb is simply revolting.
I hate the fact that I cannot get over you and hearing that you were with that person, makes me hate myself because I know that I can never have you in that way.
I hate the fact that you will never, NEVER know how I feel and that I can never have the chance to be more than friends.
I hate that I fall more and more in love with you whenever I talk to you and as much as I want hate you, you are the only person that makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I hate it that I am so mad at the world and everyone else in it that I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I hate so much many things right now that nothing can make me feel better.
I hate the fact that I am denying THIS with whatever and everything that I have in me and it's killing me.
I hate the fact that it's not something that I can cure and there's NOTHING I can do about this.
I hate that I can't tell anyone about this and I don't think they'll understand.
I hate the fact that NO ONE knows about this and I just can't.
I hate the fact that I am so mad at myself for being like this.

I am so mad at so many things and I think it is something that I've had compressed for a while and now it's a full blown explosion.

I guess I am mad at myself for the only thing I cannot, will not, and have not talked about with anyone.

I hate being broken and knowing there's nothing that I can do to out myself back together.

I hate myself. So much.

Aren't you?

Hey you!
Yeah, you, the one whose reading this.
Aren't you tired from life?
No? Well, I'm not either.
I am tired of people.
I am tired of pretending and caring.
I.. I just want this, all this to be over

You know those times when you just want to let it go
but you can't.
Then, you tell yourself
It's not important.
It doesn't have to bother you
but it just does.

And you chose to ignore it
or maybe
deal with it a little later

And then,
when it's time to deal with it,
you just refuse to open yourself up
to let yourself feel
because you are pretty sure that
you're not able to patch yourself up if
whatever that you are feeling starts to eat you up.

Aren't you tired of pretending that something doesn't bother you
when that is all that it does, the whole time
even when you're not thinking about it.
Aren't you tired of putting on that face
when none of it seems worth it
To pretend that things are fine when
they choose to be what it was before
To hope that it lasts when
they choose to be how they are now

Aren't you tired of stepping on eggshells
Always trying to guess what mask you should put on
Like when things are good,
you let out a sigh of relieve
When things are not,
you just hold your breathe
And hope that somehow you don't die
Sometimes, I just wish that I'll sink
so that I can somehow disappear from this scenario

There's not much you can do about this
because it's not you, you're sure about that
You don't know what's wrong but
you just know none of this is right

Aren't you tired of getting mad
at things that doesn't have a foothold in your life yet
Aren't you tired of getting upset over something like this
when you know you have other things, people to live for

Aren't you tired of it?
because I am.

A prayer of an 11-year-old Holocast victim

"God? How good you are, how kind and if one had to count the number of goodnesses and kindnesses You have done, one would never finish.

God? It is You who command. It is You who are justice, it is You who reward the good and punish the evil.

God? It is thanks to you that I have a beautiful life before, that I was spoiled, that I had lovely things hat others do not have.

God? After that, I ask You one thing only: Make my parents come back, my poor parents protect them (even more than You protect me) so that I can see them again as soon as possible.

Make them come back again. Ah! I had such a good mother and such a good father! I have such faith in You and I thank You in advance."

- 11-year-old Liliane Gerenstein, 
  extracted from http://www.deathcamps.info/Letters/new_page_2.htm

She was a Jewish orphan who was caught along with her brother and other kids at one of the orphanage. She was gassed a few days after she arrived at the camps during world war 2. It was basically like the end of the world for them but yet, she still have the faith to thank God for everything. From the letter, she's telling God that she's not afraid because he's with her.

And I am here, going to university, with a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, complaining about the things that does NOT amount to half the things that she went through. What does that say about me?

God? I am sorry for complaining. I am sorry for not being grateful. I am sorry for all the things that I have said. I have not thanked you for all the things that I have in a while now. I thank you for the things that are going well, I thank you for the things that are not. I thank you for reminding me how much I have to be grateful for. I thank you for waking me up form my slumber. I thank you for everything good and bad.

"Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." -Psalms 23:4

Even in the face of death, I will pray, for I am not afraid.