I hope you'd see my face and that you'll be reminded that for me it's never over

Everything that I felt that night, everything came back. I was scared, humiliated, scared and ashamed. I don't know what triggered it, I don't know what happened but what you did came back to haunt me, leaving me feeling defenseless just like I did before.

I was in a cinema, enjoying the movie and the nightmares came back like a movie going in fast forward. Everything that you did, everything that I felt came back like it never went away. My heart raced like I just ran a marathon. My palm began to sweat as I feel my fingernails digging into my palms on the arm. I squeezed my eyes shut and open them again to keep myself in reality but it was in vain as I feel more and more vulnerable.

I looked around, trying to remind myself that you're not here, that you will not be able to touch me anymore but my aggressive instinct began to overwhelm my sense of reality. I wanted to run away, to be anywhere but where I was then. I forced myself to focus on the movie and to understand every word spoken in every conversation. Luckily, my inability to concentrate on two things managed to calm me down, enabling me to stay in my seat for the rest of the movie.

And then, the movie ended. I heard a loud voice in my head, "Get OUT of here! RUUUNNN!!" I jumped up and ran for the exit. All I was thinking about is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. I couldn't stay, I was not safe. I ran and ran and I did not stop until I was safely in my car, locked.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to lock myself in my room with my blankets around me. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to stay in my room and never leave again. But, I couldn't. I had to push all feelings aside and drive to pick my brother up. Despite the ongoing battle in my head, I managed to get home in one piece, physically speaking.

The constant urge to run and take cover does not seem to stop even when I am safe in my room like I am now. It never goes away. A best friend of mine said that it will go away and he's not going to hurt me anymore. The nightmares still get to me once in a while. The disgust and fear I felt back then is no different than what I am feeling now. I will have to fight as hard as I can everytime because it never changes and I don't think it will change, ever.