Suicide

Most of us are baffled at our own prospects of death. I think it's because of the mystery to it. I mean, we don't know when it will happen or how it would happen. So, we mask that curiosity, that fear of it sometimes, by being busy, being occupied and being oblivious. Most of us think that our end of the road is old age, grandkids or perhaps, success. The very idea that "lives can be cut short either deliberately or not" is a myth, a fairy tale made up to scare us into taking risks and aiming for the stars.

Kristina Akana, 1993-2007, she ended her own life on Valentine's Day. I just finished reading her sister, Anna's book, Surviving Suicide. Anna wrote about the aftereffects of a suicide. People always talk about why people shouldn't kill themselves and how much people will miss them but I have never seen anything told from the the perspective of someone that was left behind. That is up until now.

I have never had friends or family who were claimed way before the expiry date by suicide. However, I have friends who, fortunately, failed at their attempts to take their own life. Two were when I had to talk to them relentlessly because there was nothing else I could do. One was after she had her stomach pumped. I remember the panic when I hear "I'm sorry" and that lump in my throat that won't go down no matter how many times I swallow. I remember bargaining with God even though the life at risk is not mine. I remember that sensation of vertigo when they dropped the other line of the call. I remember hearing train tracks and the sound of her sobs.

Anna talked about how her brain was far from reality when she got the call that her sister tried to hang herself. Her response was "Oh My God, she's going to be grounded for a very long time" or something along those lines. I guess, it is normal for us to not accept the visit of the Grim Reaper, especially when you are not expecting him. Sometimes, I do wonder. I wonder if they ever stop crying. I wonder if they ever stop picturing her face when they hear "Kristina' or if they ever stop missing her. I wonder if Kristina wished that she stayed. I wonder if she is happy now.

I hope, I solemnly hope to God that she is.

Day 4 of 30 challenge: What is true love?

True love. It is very subjective for everyone. This is my version.

True, to me, is genuine and real. Love, well, it's complicated but yeah..

Love is when you know that they will mess up and you will be mad but you will get over it. It is knowing what they like to eat and knowing what they look like when they eat. It is telling them to pick their clothes off the floor over and over again, knowing that they won’t and you still do it everyday. It is being able to shout their name from the living room to the bedroom to get something for you. It is texting “I am home” when you get home at 2am. It is not wanting someone to go through something horrible alone. It is never wanting anything to hurt someone even though you know it is not the reality but still wishing for it. It is being mad at someone but not mad enough to want them to go away forever. It is wanting to show them off to the world even though they are only valuable to you. It is kissing them when they are sick. It is trying your best to make a personal present everytime it’s their birthday. It is insulting each other but never taking to heart. It is when you know you’re coming back after a goodbye.

Love is pictures on the wall and late night poems, your last 8 bucks spent on a ride to go to them. It is waiting at transits while the other prays that the plane is not hijacked. Love is staying at the door to wave goodbye and running in full speed with the doorbell rings. It is shouting at 1am because of mortgages and still waking up next to the other the next morning. Love is staying even though all you want to do is run. It is raised voices and hushed but sincere apologies. Love is making someone climb mountains so that you can show them what you find magical. It is laughing at them when they fall down while helping them up. Love is everything that the other sees about you and tries to tell you how fascinating you are. It is them loving all the parts that you hate about yourself and them kissing the scars that you left.

I'm scared of what I might feel for you, can you understand that?

Reasons for not completely the 30 day challenge

1. I have no time.
2. I really don't know how to get into the topic of "true love". It's too long and emotionally draining for me because it would need me to pour my thoughts out and these thought are the ones that I keep hidden from the world and myself so to dig it out, I would need the right time for myself to get into it.

Yeah, that's about it. And the days after that has like the similar kind of sentiment to it so yeah, I'm not ready for that but I will do it, eventually. Just not now.

I sense my anxiety levels slowly rising. The red light in my head says “DANGER! CAUTION!” and the green light says “Run!”. I am afraid of the past repeating but running will not help me see that it belongs in the past. 

She’s smiling and she’s happy. I am happy for her because I know she would be happy for me too. She was smiling so big, it's nice to see this side of people. It is oddly comforting. Despite everything before, I know this time it will be different 

because I won't let the past make me fear 

because 

because  

because when the red light in my head flashed, I didn't run.

23/8/13 - the day before.

I've never told anyone this,

I am beyond terrified to go back to KL. That idea of being stuck in a room with someone that I hate. I hate my roommate, I hate her existence. I think partly it's because she reminds me of the solitude that I will be facing very soon. I am terrified of being stuck in a room with myself. Right now, packing seems to be physically painful and now all I want to do is run away. I know that putting back packing is not a good idea but that doesn't mean I want to do it. I seem to always be running endlessly away from something in slow motion in my dreams nowadays. Not a good feeling.

I know I don't seem to show that I care but truth to be told, I am scared. Not visibly. No, but I know that I am slowly shutting down.

I'll destroy myself so no one else can.

"fine".

hey, how are you?
No, I'm good.
No, really. I'll be fine.
Yeah, it's only depression.
No biggie.
Everything hurts
and it's hard to breathe sometimes
but yeah, 
no biggie.

revelation.

up until now I have sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness

In times of loveliness, I learn to hurt physically, whatever it took to nuetralize this monster called feelings. I'd destroy myself bit by bit. They say that it's called chipping away bits and pieces of what's good about you.

You can't chip away or destroy what you don't have.

I try to be content with loneliness, because I don't have to watch you pretend to care while I continue the destruction of me.

I'd rather die than to give someone else the power to destroy me.

impossible to feel so much in a go.

it's not humanly possible to be consumed with rage, crippled with pain, bursting with happiness and clouded from depression.

it is not possible for the brain to even register all this information at the same time.

it is not possible for a person to feel so much that there's nothing you can do about it but to feel everything.

for now.

left wrist sore,
two paper towels, soaked.
my head is spinning and
the voices in my head,
they're gone,
for now.

left wrist, throbbing
no pain but deep breaths.
Finally,
I'm alone in my own head
even if
it's only for now.

Close

This close to crying

this close to breaking down

and

this close,

to just losing it.

The voices in my head 

they need to stop

they need to stop

I need my mind back

I don't want to run because 

I can't

I am so tired

So so tired

I have no words to describe it

there is no one to talk to here

I know they would have listened

but I know they wouldn't understand

I want someone to understand

I want someone to be there

but I can't allow them to

because I know I may reveal parts of me

the dark parts that not many can accept

It is not possible for someone to feel

this weary

this much pain

and still be functioning normally

To have these voices in your head

it's not normal.

I'm not normal.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Maybe because it's 4:16 am.
Maybe because I'm sentimental right now.
Maybe because I miss you.
Maybe because I'm feeling rather lonely right now.
Maybe be cause having you around makes me feel better.
Maybe because it's easier to talk to you.
Maybe because I miss home.
Maybe cause I just miss you.

\

When I see your picture, I know I can stare at it and be happy forever. I remember that moment when that picture was taken. I remember what we did, what we said, what we laughed at. I remember looking you and shaking my head, thinking that I am so lucky to have found another person who is as retarded as me. I remember where this was taken and where we're heading after that. I remember you, you were smiling and it was very beautiful to see that because you were upset during the week. I remember being very happy because everything was just like the beginning. I remember hugging you and you hugging back and then, we laughed because we felt like it. I remember laughing even harder when we saw the outcome of the rest of the pictures and we sat there deciding which are the best ones.

They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Maybe I just have a way with words. Maybe I just have a lot more to say when it comes to you because we were too ridiculous that everything, even running through the mall is funny. Maybe I just like to describe everything that I remember in that particular moment. Maybe, like I've said before, I just remember the little things more vividly.

Now I'm looking at the pictures again. I miss you. I am trying not to cry but yeah, I miss you. I know I can tell the stories that lead up to all the pictures but all I can say is that I just really love you. You're my best friend and I haven't seen or talk to you in a while and right now, I just really really wish you were here because I need someone to sit in silence with and maybe cry for a little bit. I know I'll see you soon but right now, I just wish you were here.

A little bit better.

It was one of the better days today.
Things went well.
I did my radio show for one of my classes,
the prank call went well.
I was laughing so hard and
I didn't have to pretend any bit of it.
I laughed till my stomach hurt,
it was a good feeling.
I was sad that it was over
because it has been a while since
I felt anything else.

I went to lunch with one of my favorite people here
She made me laugh
and I was really happy to talk to her.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone else.
I refuse to leave my room
because it required effort,
effort to get up and face people.
The only person that I want to talk to
at least sit in silence with
is not here.
I feel like crying but
I can't cry because
I think that I just feel lonely instead of sad

Well, I like being with her, talking
making jokes and smiling.
At least I feel like I have to be when I'm
around her
It is good for me because
I don't know how long I can go on without smiling
or feeling something without faking it too much
At least I hope I'm not faking when I'm with her
because it'll make her sad and
I really don't want to see her sad

When I came home, I felt peace
Like I'm back to the solitude confinement
that I'm putting myself in
And I'm back in control of my own emotions.
I suppose that is a good thing.
I know something is wrong with me
but I just can't say what.
I just know that I cannot afford to disappear
no matter how much I want to
and I still do, even in this very moment
I wish to disappear like smoke into the atmosphere
One puff and I'm gone

I feel it, that depression eating me again
It's feeding on my emotions, even right now
I feel my energy draining away
like I'm slowly out of laughs and smiles
I am almost too tired to do anything
too tired to care
too tired to feel, numb, I think
I am supposed to be doing an assignment but
I feel like my body is going to explode
if I don't write.

If I do explode, it will be an explosion of emotions,
of everything that I cannot feel right now.
And when I do feel it,
All I feel is pain.

At least right now, being numb,
I can focus more on reality and maybe
push everything away, whatever it is.
Maybe I'll let it explode
whenever I can afford to shut off the world.

Or maybe, I'll just breath slower
and hide under my blankets.

Another level of nothingness.

I am currently starving.

I know what you people, who are reading, going to say, GO GET FOOD!

For someone who likes, LOVES food, I am quite often hungry because I am too lazy to get food.

I don't think it's only food. It's everything. I refuse to do anything these days. I would just want to stare at something till it's time to sleep. It's pretty much like what happened 5 years ago but at least, I was able to finish my homework or at least be useful before zoning out.

Just like the book, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie experiences that feeling of knowing that it's bad again. That feeling of not knowing how to stop "that". You know that you're spiraling back to that place and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's not hallucinating. It's not the hearing voices. It's just that something that is slowly clouding your life. I don't know if it's worse or anything but I know I will be in a bad place like last time, only this time, I can't afford to be broken.

I am hoping, genuinely hoping that I will be okay because I have no one right now. I tried calling you but you didn't pick up both times. For the third time, I pressed "End" before it started to ring. I am not sure if I was afraid that you wouldn't pick up or I was right about you not picking up. I know you're probably busy and you might not be able to answer the phone but I am selfishly hoping that you would call back even though I know you won't. I know I shouldn't expect so much of people but I am willingly to do that much that I am asking of people. I am sure you know that because I have never stopped proving that to you.

I feel nothing. This time, it's weird. It's like my body is numb and my heart has stopped beating. Everything was suppose to hurt with every beating pulse but it doesn't. I am not sure if it's a good thing but I assume that it's not. I don't know how bad everything is because I can't seem to feel anything right now, except an occasional shiver. I hope you call back or leave me a message, I really do. I need to talk to you or at least pretend that you're close. I know I shouldn't expect anything from you after everything but I still hope that I may be proven wrong.

For now, I need to be okay. There is no way out for this because I have no idea how. I know things will be complicated especially when I panic when it starts again. If I do end up trying to end this, I don't know how far I'll be willing to push my own limits.

It will not be like this.

It's the New Year's.

I don't feel any different. I suppose it's just another day.

Right now, I don't feel joy or sadness or anything. I only feel pain and more pain. I wish I can sleep and not wake up.

I wish.. How I wish.. But it will never be real, only an illusion, a fantasy.

I feel pain, only pain and nothing else. I am numb.

I don't feel anything else, except the pain that tearing me apart.

How I wish I can drink till I die on the sidewalk but I can't because I would still feel pain even in my sleep.

How I wish to bleed until I succumb to the fading light in front to me. The only way, the only way that I can't feel.

In too much pain to feel anything else. I'm sorry.

Inevitable, change.

December, being the last month of the year, almost has the same meaning as change.

During this time, most of the people will see if they completed all of their resolutions made in the beginning of the year and then, they would make new ones. Things that they would like to change, the character traits of themselves that they would like to change. This month, is all about change.

Students getting ready for a new year, buying new uniforms, new bags, new stationary. They promise themselves that they would work harder the next year, that they would change to be better. Working adults promising themselves to work harder to get a promotion and spouses promising themselves to be better husbands or wives to their significant other. And kids, they promise their parents to be better kids, to be obedient and all. Change. Everything is change.

You know what it means to me? December?

It means everyone leaving. I'm leaving my home to go to uni. My best friend is not going to be around so often. I will be in a new environment and I have to deal with people and things that are completely new, foreign to me. It means everything is going to change, it's going to be different.

I am not good with change. I despise change. I wouldn't want it if I had a choice but I don't.

I run away from change. I don't adapt well to change. Oh, save your lecture about how I need to and I have no choice, of course I know that. That doesn't mean that I deal with it well. In fact, I am pretty much a mess now, trying to deal with it.

I hate goodbyes because it brings change. I am honestly terrified and scared about uni because I have no idea what to expect from it. I am content with the way things are right now. I call Francine, she picks up. We chat and then makes plans together. Going away means all these that I have right now, is also going to go away.

I am not ready for all of these but then again, who is?

I refuse to change but then, I have to because there's no way I can afford it.

I hung out with Francine today. It's like our last time to hang out because she's off to KL tomorrow and then back again on Wednesday only to go off again to US on Friday. After that, I won't be seeing her till next year, mid January. That is for the Swedish House Mafia Concert and then, I have no absolutely fucking idea when I'll see her again.

I am scared. Not only cause of the change, also cause of the not knowing when I'll see you again. I cannot deal with the fact that the last day I'll see her is like on the day of the concert and then, BAM!, something bad happens. I can't deal with this.

When it was time to go, we hugged. 
I felt her arms loosen. I remember saying while refusing to let go, "I don't want to let go." 
I hear her laugh, she hugged me once again, with a plastic bag of cereal and toothpaste in one hand. 
Gently, she said, "But you have to."
We both let go at the same time as I looked at her and whispered, "I know.."
We said our last take cares and you toos and then, going our separate ways.

Our friendship, for me, is different because we have these small movie-like moments where the shortest sentences, the smallest gestures mean so much more. It's that part of the movie where the rawness of emotion and simplicity of words and actions makes the whole scene so undeniably real and then, you believe it. We have those moments. And it's those moments that help me through the hard times when I can't talk to her.

I was crying like hell when I was describing that scene above because it's something like the last hang out or something. I am indeed grateful for her, Despite our little squabbles and swearing at each other during our huge fights, I would not take back anything that happened from the moment I met this girl. It's because I knew her, I have been changed for good.

I am sorry for being sentimental but yeah, I am scared of the things that I cannot predict.

So the posts this month might be about how I am dealing with everything.