impossible to feel so much in a go.

it's not humanly possible to be consumed with rage, crippled with pain, bursting with happiness and clouded from depression.

it is not possible for the brain to even register all this information at the same time.

it is not possible for a person to feel so much that there's nothing you can do about it but to feel everything.

I know you were a long shot
but I will still try to make you mine anyway.

Shitty, just shitty.Just a list of things that I hate.

I've had the most messed up weekend. I'm too annoyed right now to write about it.

But things are just simply shitty.
I feel like I am so mad and angry at the world and I just want to hate everyone and everything.
I hate the trees that never grows big enough to give us shade here in KL.
I hate the fact that I am alone here and there is simply no one to talk to and the stupid fact that I stick out like a sore thumb is simply revolting.
I hate the fact that I cannot get over you and hearing that you were with that person, makes me hate myself because I know that I can never have you in that way.
I hate the fact that you will never, NEVER know how I feel and that I can never have the chance to be more than friends.
I hate that I fall more and more in love with you whenever I talk to you and as much as I want hate you, you are the only person that makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I hate it that I am so mad at the world and everyone else in it that I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I hate so much many things right now that nothing can make me feel better.
I hate the fact that I am denying THIS with whatever and everything that I have in me and it's killing me.
I hate the fact that it's not something that I can cure and there's NOTHING I can do about this.
I hate that I can't tell anyone about this and I don't think they'll understand.
I hate the fact that NO ONE knows about this and I just can't.
I hate the fact that I am so mad at myself for being like this.

I am so mad at so many things and I think it is something that I've had compressed for a while and now it's a full blown explosion.

I guess I am mad at myself for the only thing I cannot, will not, and have not talked about with anyone.

I hate being broken and knowing there's nothing that I can do to out myself back together.

I hate myself. So much.

Voices.

I am trying my best, my very best to drown the voices in my head. I am playing music so loud that I feel my brain bouncing in my head. I have never felt this absent in so long.

This is another new level of self loathing. Last night, I've hated myself so much that I fell asleep thinking of not waking up. They say comparing yourself with other is not a good thing but it is, to help you realize what you have. What I realize is that I am nothing. And I am just hating myself for so much more reasons than I had 5 years ago.

The voices in my head just agreed. I am just a waste of space. I am absolutely nothing.


And I am,

this close

to giving it

all up.

Once.

And then, the space between us explodes. My heart keeps missing beats and my hands cannot bring her close enough to me. 

I have loved before, but it didn't feel like this.
I have kissed before, but it didn't burn me alive.

Maybe it lasts a minute, and maybe it's an hour. All I know is that kiss, and how soft her skin is when it brushes against mine, and that, even if I did not know it until now, I have been waiting for this person forever.

- Extracted from "Sing You Home"

Loving her is red

The lyrics explain everything.

From how it felt loving you to missing you.

From trying to forget you to loving you even more.

Somehow I wish I told you how I felt.

I wished you knew how I felt.

I love you. - HC

Loving her is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly

Loving her is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in the autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving her was red

Loving her was red

Touching her was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing her was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with her was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer

Regretting her was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

Remembering her comes in flashbacks and echos

Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go

But moving on from her is impossible 

When I still see it all in my head

Burning red

Love is so red

Oh losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

Cause loving her was red

We're burning red

Her love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

9 more days

I haven't been posting lately. I didn't feel like it.

I'm going off to KL in 9 days. I don't know what exactly I should feel. I'm sad, excited, happy, scared, terrified.. It's a whole bunch of emotions mixed together, like a trail mix. Oh well..

It was Francine's birthday yesterday. I spammed her with birthday wishes. I miss her..

Today is Tan Pei Hung;s birthday.

And tomorrow is Foo's birthday.

I wish that somehow I will be happy because right now, I really can't.

I'll write more later because like I've said, right now, I really can't.

I hate you but I love you more.

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't know what to say. Usually, when I blog, it means that I have something to express, to say but recently, I am just keeping to myself, holding my tongue because I know I am capable to using things that hurt people to completely destroy them.

I like that feeling of knowing what to say to make them break. Anger fuels it and rage just makes you feel all powerful, like you could kill them and not feel a thing. Anger is my drive to win. It always has been.

But if you love someone more than you love to win, you'd force yourself to back down because you know very well that you can't take back what you said. So, you bite your tongue till it bleeds and back the fuck down.

I am forcing myself to not overthink, to not care, to not think about the excuses that you gave when you did what you did. I don't have anything else to say but the truth when people ask about it. Inside I hate you so much. I hated you for treating me like I'll understand because you're my best friend, like I don't matter when all I did was trying to prove that you matter to me. Oh, the irony.

Sometimes I laugh at myself, why do I  care? Oh yeah, because I fell in love with you. And that just complicates everything else, doesn't it? Different? I have to sit back and watch you fall in love with someone else. Explain to me how do people stay the same after that.I love you more than I hate you. I'd rather hurt than to lose you. Am I stupid or what? I don't expect you to love me back. I just expect you to treat me like I matter. If I don't, just pretend or tell me to disappear.

This will be the first and last time that I'll admit this or at least make this obvious for you. And I'm sorry for screaming at you.

I love you but I hate you.
I hate you for making me fight for you, be there for you, and then turn around to tell me that you cannot cope with my shit, whatever that means because when I'm with you, your shit is all I deal with.
I hate you for not seeing what you're doing to me and making me feel like a selfish bitch when I try to tell you what I feel.
I hate you for making me feel like the most important person in the world when you said you had no one and ignore me like I don't exist when everything with you is alright.
I hate you for breaking me on my own birthday and for making me love you anyway. 
I hate you for making plans with me and me knowing that if something better came up, you'd dump me.
I hate you for knowing that I'll be there and you taking full advantage of it just because you say you have "no one".
I hate you for having this ability to completely destroy and restore me, both at the same time.
I hate you for having this effect on me, for making me stay even when I know I'll die trying to make you mine in some ways.
I hate you for making me believe your promises, only to be disappointed and to find out that I don't matter.
I hate you for making me love you so much that I can't hate you.
I hate you because I can only see myself happy with you, and no one else.
I hate you because you changed me and now I can't change back.

I counted the number of times you smiled at me and I die on days that you didn't. -Santana

I love you so much. Sometimes, I wish that I don't.