To 13 and a half year old Tryphena

To 13 and a half year old Tryphena

I wish I could give you a hug. I know this was the year you felt the loneliest. I know this was the year that that accidental cut on your arm lead you down the road of an addiction that you still have. If I rolled up my sleeves now, you'd think I'm the coolest still.

Things are different now, very different. You won't believe how much things are different when you compare it to a year ago. A year ago, I was crying my broken heart out over my first love. The year before that, I never knew what love was but I was the healthiest, mentally, around that time. Then, a little after that, I met her. And then, the year before that, I was trying to recover from another pain. You suffered for quite a while from aged 19-22.

The painful things have not happened to you yet. Somehow in another dimension, you were the one before the storm. I'd change a few things for you if I could meet you. You were just lonely. You needed someone, that's all. You turned out alive after 10 years of pain. There were a lot of good times too but I'd say it was hardly worth the pain. It's better than nothing.

At 14, you are so clueless about everything because you did not understand the world. You just found out about pop and rock music. You tried so hard to develop passion for music and other things. You'll discover something else later. You'll learn to love writing. Then, at 22, you'll dedicate a hand written book to her. Yes, her. You'll go through that stage a little later. You'll fall in love with the wrong person before you meet her. This wrong person will be the reason for your pain from 19 years old onwards. But you'll learn, oh, you'll learn. She will be your greatest lesson of all because this is when you will start letting people love you when you cannot love yourself. I wish you knew this because it would have helped you so much when you think about your goodbye letters.

At 15, you'll go through your first major heartbreak by your friend. You'll forgive her. She'll apologize but baby, you will hurt. I have no ways of making this any better. It will be your first experience with depression. I'm so sorry for becoming a shell of you. You will cry and then, stop crying for a very long time. You'll meet another girl who you'll be fond of. You will love her and try to help her.

Everything that happened till you're 17 is nothing game changing. You'll come in and out of our impending depression but you'll survive. You'll get your first boyfriend but he wasn't any important. You'll learn to be very wary of guys from then on. When you're 18, your best friend from high school will make you betrayed and this will make you change how you feel about her as a person. Everything with her will change from then onwards. None of it will change back.

However, you'll meet this girl in pre-U. She'll be the main point of your life. She'll teach you how to love yourself. She'll teach you how to wear make up and that it's not bad to want to look pretty. She'll be so important to you. She will teach you so much on how to be a girl. You will love her and accidentally fall in love with her. You then handed her on a silver platter to the guy that was undeserving of her. This is where you will deny what you felt and keep it buried for so long. I am so sorry but this will be the most painful period of your life. She will leave you. You won't blame her when you're me. I wasn't the best person to be around when I was friends with her. We both had faults. We don't talk now but she still hasn't deleted me off Facebook. I guess we were really friends last time. You will never stop loving her because you cared.

With that painful period, comes the time when you find out who is really there for you. You find these people unexpectedly. They will become so important to you. They will love you so much and in those times, you will learn to let them. You will learn that you deserved to be loved. Again, most importantly, baby girl, you will let them.

At 21, you will learn acceptance. You will learn to be okay with yourself. It will be one of the most important lessons you will teach yourself. You'll learn how to be okay with yourself, how to love yourself. You will be kind to yourself, be aware of you. You will grow. Oh, I am so proud of you even now. You will grow so strong. Baby, you will be so strong because you will need it later. I am so sorry.

You will meet her a few months before you turn 22. She will open up to you. She will care about you. You will smile while you're on the phone with her. You will have your life turned up side down and you'll be so happy. You'll be so happy for her. You'll find so many poems that I have written about her. You will fall in love with her and you will love her so much. She will be your first in so many things. She will make love songs make sense. She will make elopement seem like a good idea. You will love her and love her and love her even though many who love you will think she does not deserve it. You will love her regardless. The book will be for her. So much will be for her.

Last year was bad though. It was over between us. No, it wasn't our faults. Our parents will never agree to it so it done under a mutual understanding. I still think it was the worst way to end something. It's hard to move on like that but you will. I still miss her from day to day but the pain does go away. However, in our case, our normal pain from depression and loneliness just comes back and we go back to that pain instead. You will cry for her. You will cry rivers and rivers of tears. Your life will stop because you were in so much pain. Remember when I say that you need to be strong? This is the time when you need it. You will fight so much, so much to get her back. She'll go back on her promises and you'll be angry but you'll understand. You will love her. After all, you wrote a marriage proposal for her. She will never see it but it's alright. You love that much.

Things do turn out okay. You have a proper job now. You earn your own money and pay for everything on your own. Be proud of me. You will go through so much pain, so so much pain. I don't believe it's worth it. I won't lie to you about that. The pain is horrible but you are very strong. I know you don't have a choice but you will be okay. You will not hate yourself, you will be okay at gaining weight. You will have so many people who care about you. You will have so many of them. You will love them and they will love you back,

You will dye your hair. You will play Skyrim. You will travel to go visit your friends. You will miss your family. You will fight.

Please hold on. Please fight. Please be strong. I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much.

Love
23 and a half year old Tryphena

From Friend Requests and Obligations

It started off with a friend request, or rather an obligation to someone who was important to us. Neither one of us wanted or needed this friendship. Again, obligation fueled the conversations and replies. I remember my introduction went along the lines of mentioning my dislike for peas. She replied very quickly and I wasn't expecting that. Small talk became even smaller and naturally the conversation ended.

The next time I started talking to her, it felt like a well oiled engine being put to work again. Replies were falling in place and I believe this is when the friendship really began. We met for the first time when I went to visit her. She was smaller than I imagined, kinder with a much bigger heart than what she gives herself credit for. I remember the experience to be surreal and I had a small moment of depersonalization because she didn't feel real - none of it felt real.

I couldn't write about her more than I would like to. I am a visual person. I notice the creases on people's face when they laugh, the vein bulging out when they are stressed, the way their eyes light up when they are surprised or happy. I don't remember the details of how her expression looks like. However, I'd recognize her voice anywhere.

I didn't think it was possible to care someone you have not met. I didn't believe simply trusting someone was good enough to build a proper friendship even when you have not met them. I was wrong. I learn to build a safe house, a bomb shelter with the thousands and thousands of messages and voice clips we have exchanged. I memorized her laughter, her groans and sometimes, her nothings. I have seen her hesitation, confusion, worry and joy hidden behind in ellipses, commas and exclamation marks. I have interpreted internal conflicts and contradicting paradoxes in different wavelengths. Sometimes I see her pain and her desperation to make sense of the circumstances of her life in between sentences of rage and anguish.

In a sea of inside jokes and harmless flirting, there is a mutual understanding and respect. It is the tone of the entire relationship. There is also a love that I did not expect to develop. It is behind every cracked hello when the other is crying, every "why are you so far away" and every "you bitch". I didn't expect the joy that came with talking to her even though most of the conversations start with her being sleepy. 

It is hard to find friends who consistently care about you during all of the times. She is Patience herself when it came to dealing my inability to think rationally when it came to Cassandra, even when it was (unconsciously on my side) at her expense. She is Peace when I was crippled in bed, sobbing and in pain. She is Hope when taking my own life seemed like the better option. I have done nothing to deserve of all these. There's a quote by Graham Greene that says,

"It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love."

I have so much love for this human being. It is puzzling to feel something as overwhelming as this, especially when it's not romantic but I do. There is a joy that I can't explain when I think of her company. I am entirely grateful for her and I can't wait to see her again in a month.

Autumns and him.

I have never met you.
When I think of you,
I think of autumn,
breezy afternoons and chilly winds.

I was told that autumn can be quite cold
and somehow,
I can imagine us taking a walk in the park.
Hand in hand,
fingers interlocked.
I don't know how cold I'd be but
in this imagination of mine,
your hands were warm.

In my mind,
we were wearing scarfs of the same color.
In my mind,
 we are walking hand in hand in the same park.

Why do I want to live?

Every time I want to kill myself, I'd look for five reasons to not do it. I didn't want my reason to be friends, family and a bright future. I was stubborn. I wanted good reasons, reasons that will only impact my life to show that there is something to live for. For those who wonders, I try. Everything on my list is never repeated.

Once, the taste of a good juicy burger was among the five. Another time, being able to breathe in fresh air and taste the molecules at six in the morning was one. Some days I stop at three, after "I get to feel the texture of flower petals". There were not enough reasons left. Then, I let myself fall into the trap of a bad habit, which is a story for another day. Some days, I couldn't get past two. I didn't know if getting out of bed counted as one reason. I wanted to give up. I was tired.

Then, you turned up, all smiles and green contact lenses. Five months later, I asked myself, "why do I want to live?" One, you. You are everything. You are sunsets and sunrises, morning dew and night mists. You are the cold side of a pillow and a hot bowl of soup on a rainy day. You are the smell of grass after the rain and the song I sing in the shower. You are the heart that I draw on foggy windows and the red dragonfly I saw once outside a church. You are everything at once.

I still want to kill myself sometimes but since then, my list has never changed.

Stars, parks and possibilities.

I want to watch the stars with you. I want to lie on top of a cheap blanket, in a park with you. We can complain about the amount of bugs that will be feasting on our very limited but tasty blood. We can also get annoyed at the possibly wet and prickly grass underneath the cheap blanket. Then, I know we'd probably agree unanimously that we'll never do that again.

However, in spite of how much we suffered, I think we'll keep going back to that spot to look at stars. We'll be smart. This time, the blankets will be around us. We'll probably be on a bench, with a blanket to keep us warm and protected, under a blanket of stars, The funny thing is that I'll probably be the one to plan this and it'll either be adorably romantic or horribly miscalculated.

Either way, I'll still want to watch the stars with you. If you'd let me, we could forget the stars for while.

To be wrong

I want to write about how you made the anxiety in my bones still. I want to write about the way the side of your eyes crinkle when you give me a mischievous smile. I want to climb on to the tallest mountains, just to scream "I love you" in to the clouds. I want to tell the world that loving someone can change so much of what you were so sure about.

Before I met you, I was so sure that the most annoying accent in the world is the mandarin accent when English is spoken. With that accent, came the complimentary broken English. I was so sure that I didn't like it. Of course, like I said, it was before I met you. Now your voice is my comfort. Your words became the Big Dipper that guides my way home when I get lost. I was so sure and then, I was wrong. And boy, I have never been this happy to be wrong.

Suicide

Most of us are baffled at our own prospects of death. I think it's because of the mystery to it. I mean, we don't know when it will happen or how it would happen. So, we mask that curiosity, that fear of it sometimes, by being busy, being occupied and being oblivious. Most of us think that our end of the road is old age, grandkids or perhaps, success. The very idea that "lives can be cut short either deliberately or not" is a myth, a fairy tale made up to scare us into taking risks and aiming for the stars.

Kristina Akana, 1993-2007, she ended her own life on Valentine's Day. I just finished reading her sister, Anna's book, Surviving Suicide. Anna wrote about the aftereffects of a suicide. People always talk about why people shouldn't kill themselves and how much people will miss them but I have never seen anything told from the the perspective of someone that was left behind. That is up until now.

I have never had friends or family who were claimed way before the expiry date by suicide. However, I have friends who, fortunately, failed at their attempts to take their own life. Two were when I had to talk to them relentlessly because there was nothing else I could do. One was after she had her stomach pumped. I remember the panic when I hear "I'm sorry" and that lump in my throat that won't go down no matter how many times I swallow. I remember bargaining with God even though the life at risk is not mine. I remember that sensation of vertigo when they dropped the other line of the call. I remember hearing train tracks and the sound of her sobs.

Anna talked about how her brain was far from reality when she got the call that her sister tried to hang herself. Her response was "Oh My God, she's going to be grounded for a very long time" or something along those lines. I guess, it is normal for us to not accept the visit of the Grim Reaper, especially when you are not expecting him. Sometimes, I do wonder. I wonder if they ever stop crying. I wonder if they ever stop picturing her face when they hear "Kristina' or if they ever stop missing her. I wonder if Kristina wished that she stayed. I wonder if she is happy now.

I hope, I solemnly hope to God that she is.

Love in Slow Motion.

I like watching people who are in love. I like how they light up at the name of the other. I like how they unconsciously break into a smile when they talk about this significant person. I like the way they blush and get gibberish. It is as if they're trying to squeeze all the sunshine, rainbows and good intentions of this person into one sentence. Obviously, you cannot contain a person's being into a sentence. So, they morph paragraphs and paragraphs of adoration into a never ending sentence, stitched together with commas and hyphens.

I have a friend who recently fell in love. I spend a lot of time listening to her talk about the details of her relationship. I didn't mind. I understand that she couldn't help it so I never stopped her from talking about it. Slowly, I found out that I learnt a lot about this guy that I only spoke to for about four times. I learnt that he likes to write letters. I learnt that he is very patient. I learnt that he likes burgers. I learnt that he was in love with her.

Maybe it's the way that his name rolls off her tongue like sweet honey. Maybe it's the way he purses his lips together and smiles after he says her name. Maybe it's the way both their gazes are so gentle but sure that it makes you want to look away. I asked her if she loves him. She hesitantly said yes, as if admitting would put her at a losing side. She always had doubt perched on her shoulders, feeding her the tale that she wasn't good enough. Sometimes I do wonder why people run from the things that they want. I also realize that they run faster when it is within reach or when they are already holding it.

She doesn't see the way that he looks at her, especially when she is embarrassed. I think that was the look of amusement and fondness. She is going to kill me for using the word "fond". She doesn't know about the way that he talks about her when she's not around. She doesn't know about the way that he waits for her. I saw him sitting on the sideway from the side of the road. His silhouette showed his hunched body and both his hands are clasped together with his elbows resting on his knees. He would turn to look if someone came down the stairs. He was a manifestation of calm waters and swooshing sea waves on a Saturday night. He simply sat there and waited, without any sign of impatience and anxiousness.

I believe that it is very beautiful to fall in love slowly. It is like reading a book. You get to slowly uncover secrets and stories that only that book can tell. The best part about reading a book that you already like is that you accept everything that the book throws at you. Just like everything else, you will always get one part that you don't particularly like. The most amazing thing about loving someone is that you don't try to fix them. You either readjust yourself to them or you both compromise.

I am not the best person to discuss what love is or what it is supposed to be. I have a very pessimistic view on things as vague and abstract as this. Maybe because of this, I am not often very happy. However, despite the fact that I refuse to open myself up to emotions, I am particularly drawn to genuine interactions and "in the moment" reactions. I remember how she hunches her shoulder and hides behind her left hand when she first talked about him. I remember how he panicked when "I" asked him why he didn't celebrate her birthday with her.

I am not a happy person because of the things that I refuse to believe in but I believe that it is possible to love and be loved, because I have seen it.

Day 3 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Find the nearest book (of any kind). Turn to page 8. Use the first ten full words on the page in a poem. You may use them in any order, anywhere in the poem.

Are you still here? I'm afraid you already left.
Some days I miss you more, even when you are there
Mornings are the worst, especially after I have dreams of you.
I can still feel your warmth as if you never left, your cologne still lingers on my clothes.
Can you stay any longer, I asked, then you smiled,
Tell me you love me, you whispered.
He's leaving,
Rushing to live a life where he's free from everyone, including me
me, I can't let him stay if he doesn't want to. Instead,
Off you go, I said, my mistake was not telling him that I loved him.

Day 2 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Who was the last person you texted? Write a five line poem to that person.

Abigail Harris.

You are one of the most responsible person that I've ever met.
I don't know you well but we get along,
I think it's loving of you to stay with your family when they need you.
We don't see a lot of that, especially in youths and young adults.
I hope we remain friends, really, I think we would.

A good dream about you.

I dreamt of you last night.

You had bangs again and your hair was shorter just like when we first met.

Things were already different in the dream, 

it was like an exact replica of reality but

the only difference is that we're talking in my dream.

You asked me if I want to go crab fishing with you.

I very very happily agreed to. 

The time was set as present time, present day.

Again, the only difference is that 

we're at the same place at the same time,

You still smelled the same, the odd combination of perfume and cigarettes.

Your hair still did that same thing where it danced in the wind.

I still remember how you always grabbed your hair when it fell into your eyes,

then you'd crinkle your eyes as it tickles your nose.

We recalled another inside joke and

you laughed.

I can still remember it being so loud, vibrant and 

I was so aware that it was a dream that I didn't want to blink.

I was afraid if I opened my eyes again, this dream was over. 

My eyes dilated so much due to the lack of blinking,

I was trying to memorize everything that was happening

because I knew it wasn't real, it wasn't real.

When I woke up, I was in tears. 

I painfully pulled myself away from the remaining memories of the dream

just like how you try to pick glass pieces from your skin. 

You can't really get all of the shards, so you just take your time.

I spent all morning, trying to forget you again.

The process of this became more of a habit but it doesn't make it hurt less.

Now I am stuck with the best parts of the dream and I don't know how to forget it. 

I hear your laughter ring in my ear, I hear your voice, god, I'd still drop everything for you.

You know what's the worse part?

The worse part is that I am sitting here, writing about you,

just like I did over the last 2 years. 

I thought I will never write about you ever again

but here I am, sitting in front of my blog,

writing an article, a blog post, a poem, about you,

Another bad thing that comes with this is that

I will spend the entire day missing you.

Every goddamn time.

I see you in the busy streets outside my window,
I imagine what you look like, stuck in traffic.
It's pretty silly though, trying to imagine you in traffic,
you reading in the corner of a coffee shop, you playing catch with your dog,
you doing something, like being next to me.
I see you when I take a sip from my coffee mug,
I can't remember if you liked coffee or not
but I imagined myself bringing you a cup of whatever in bed
or maybe, I'll leave it on the table, still steaming hot, with a note,
"Hope it's not cold when you wake up. I love you."
It's funny how our thoughts can bring us to places,
the travels beyond our imagination,
or perhaps, another dimension where everything is different,
where you and I were together.

I see you when I cross the road to get to class.
You'd be tugging at my hand, signalling me to walk faster
as the traffic lights just turned green.
I see you when the cheesiest, corniest love songs play on my music library.
Those lyrics insisted that "we were meant to be", "you are my everything",
it sounds so stupid, considering that I have never meet you.
Yet, here we are, hopelessly waiting for the impossible, for a miracle.
It bothers me that I am so painfully sure of you, that you are so sure of me too,
like we have a future but we may not?
The dark clouds are sure signs of rain.
I see you when the rain falls because I have never doubted you,
the same way I never doubted the dark clouds.

I see you in the parks, playgrounds, by the beach,
All the places that we may go one day.
I see you in the books I read, the movies I watch,
I see you whenever a character says "I love you".
I see you when skies turn grey, when people run to hide from the rain.
I see you at the airport, bus stops, train stops,
I see you when the traffic light turned green
and me using everything that I have in me to make it across the road.
'Cause that's how I'd run to you when I see you,
in any dimension, any parallel universe,
every goddamn time.

Day 2 of 30 challenge: Who/what can’t you live without? Explain.

Mine is more of a who instead of a what. I mean, things are replaceable, people are not.

1. My family

 I honestly don't know where I will be without them.

My dad reminds me that life is not easy and you have to really work to be and make something of yourself. My dad used to be a pastor and yeah, we had a really hard life. It sucked to be looked down at, to be rejected by your peers and basically to not fit it. I sucked so bad. I used to blame my dad for being a pastor. At some times, I still do but again, I won't take anything back.

I am happy that everything I went through made me a stronger person. I became opinionated, strong-willed, insightful, sympathizing and very very determined in many ways. I love my dad, he is the most hardworking person that I have ever met in my life. My dad is the ultimate definition of survival. I love him.

My mum made me believe that I have a say in things, like my opinion matters, even though she didn't really ask when I was younger. My mum is the definition of tenacity. She fights, she shot across whatever life threw at her like a rocket that was launched towards space. She took everything head on.

My mum is one of the strongest women I have ever met. She used to care about what people think because she had to. When she was given a chance to not give a shit, she really did not give a shit. It was amazing to see it but it kinda killed me to see people being mean to her. It was a thing at her workplace, another long story. My mum loves my brothers and I. She would kill anyone who hurt us. I can see that and I wished I saw it sooner.

My brothers: Aaron and Joshua.

Aaron, he turned 18 just 10 days ago. He is my best friend and he's lame. He knows what I like and what I hate. I know him also. I know how he is. I know almost everything about him. I know his habits and his tactics when it comes to annoying me. He is very sensitive, he tends to not want to bother people unnecessarily. He stands his ground but compromises when he needs to. We used to fight A LOT. Now we're very close. When I was younger, I used to wish that he would die. Now I regret it, heh. I was such a horrible sister to him. I regret everything.

He loves me, no, he doesn't say it. Our family is not the type that announces "I LOVE YOU", we show it. For example, he would call me if I wasn't back home by 1am. When I asked why, he said that he's afraid that I was in trouble and couldn't call. I love him, I would do anything for him. I am teaching what is right and wrong slowly because he won't listen to my parents. At least though, he listens to me. My proudest moment as his sister is when his best friend asked me questions about him and I could answer every single one like a reflex.

Joshua, he is just a bowl of sunshine and laughter mixed together with very very mature and sharp senses. he is 8 and being in a family where everyone is literally above 18, makes him literally the baby. He is very independent and linguistic for his age. He talks like an adult and I secretly think that he is an old soul. He is very lame, he got that from his older brother. He is the only expressive one in the family because he was given the opportunity to. He loves me and he shows it. He counts down to the day that I come home from university.

It's a different relationship with him when compared to the older one because this is a kid. I watched him grow up, instead of growing up with him. He is a sensitive boy and might come off as a pushover because he doesn't like conflicts and tends to just compromise. I will teach him to stand his ground and not be a pushover. I will teach him how to treat girls and how to love. I will teach him everything that I have learn in the last 20 years of my life. I will teach him to appreciate the art of language and words. I will teach him that life is a masterpiece waiting to happen, even in times of pain and troubles.

2. My best friend, Francine.
She is surprisingly the only one who is ever honest with me. She is the only who picked up whenever I called at times that I was breaking down. She is the one that I can sit in silence with and it's not awkward. I can talk to her about anything. She showed me what friends are really for and what it mean to be a friend to someone. She showed me how to laugh, how to smile, how to look for the little things in life, how to be strong and how to keep going. She gave me strength. I doubt her sometimes because my mind is never in the right state for anything, hence, the cutting. Even when I doubt her, I still had the faith and the hope to trust her and to believe in her, it IS something because usually I just push people away.

She is the first person that I can have proper conversations about sex with. She makes me laugh, she understands my lame sense of humor. She gets me and it's amazing to have that. I love how I smile when I'm around her. I love how I am me when I am with her. She's a stupid motherfucker and I mean it in the most loving way. She is like a sister that I never had. She is like level 1 if I ever get a boyfriend. She will be the first person I talk to if there is anything major happening in my life. She is part of my everything. I love her, I know she will never read this so she doesn't know how much I am really grateful to have ever met her and how much I love her. Like, I will kill anyone that hurts her. I can write an autobiography about her like I would my family, but I won't. Not now.

Day 1 of 30 challenge: What do you regret the most?

This will be something personal to me and I will skim through it.

I regret cutting. I regret starting. I just regret it. If I could go back, I would tell my 14 year old self that everything will be okay and I turned out awesome. Then again, I survived so long because of cutting. I am not sure how I will turn out.. I regret it but I don't think I would change it if I could. It has become a huge part of my past and it shaped me into who I am today and I am pretty proud of how I turned out.

Regretting and wanting to change it is different. I guess, I made peace with this mistake that I have completely accepted it.

No, I wouldn't change it. I don't know who or where I am without these scars etched on my body.

Angels on earth

And I started crying after reading this.

I know exactly who this person is in my life :)

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Maybe because it's 4:16 am.
Maybe because I'm sentimental right now.
Maybe because I miss you.
Maybe because I'm feeling rather lonely right now.
Maybe be cause having you around makes me feel better.
Maybe because it's easier to talk to you.
Maybe because I miss home.
Maybe cause I just miss you.

\

When I see your picture, I know I can stare at it and be happy forever. I remember that moment when that picture was taken. I remember what we did, what we said, what we laughed at. I remember looking you and shaking my head, thinking that I am so lucky to have found another person who is as retarded as me. I remember where this was taken and where we're heading after that. I remember you, you were smiling and it was very beautiful to see that because you were upset during the week. I remember being very happy because everything was just like the beginning. I remember hugging you and you hugging back and then, we laughed because we felt like it. I remember laughing even harder when we saw the outcome of the rest of the pictures and we sat there deciding which are the best ones.

They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Maybe I just have a way with words. Maybe I just have a lot more to say when it comes to you because we were too ridiculous that everything, even running through the mall is funny. Maybe I just like to describe everything that I remember in that particular moment. Maybe, like I've said before, I just remember the little things more vividly.

Now I'm looking at the pictures again. I miss you. I am trying not to cry but yeah, I miss you. I know I can tell the stories that lead up to all the pictures but all I can say is that I just really love you. You're my best friend and I haven't seen or talk to you in a while and right now, I just really really wish you were here because I need someone to sit in silence with and maybe cry for a little bit. I know I'll see you soon but right now, I just wish you were here.

God damn, You're Beautiful by Chester See

The only song that makes me feel everything, EVERYTHING that I refuse to feel.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I miss you.

The only song that allows me to think about you.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I love you.

The only song that gives me permission to break down and cry.

The only song that represents my weakness, you.

Difference: Drawing vs Writing

All has been well. And I am quite glad.

For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.

I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.

She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.

She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.

She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person

I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.

I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.

So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.

Writing FTW!

It's like I'm 15 again.

Hawthorne Heights - Rescue Me

Just breathe
The midnight air will do you well
Believe...
I miss your taste, I miss your smell
The past mistakes that brought you here 
Will break the fall for you, my dear
I'll ask the nurse for bandages
Don't send me on my way

Rescue me 
from everything, I 
just want to live, I 
wish I could breathe

Every other day
I sit and wait for same the bad news
Can you hear me say
"I've got nothing left to lose"
Someone please start making sense
And beg the lord for accidents
I've seen the worst case scenario
I'm slowly letting go
Rescue me 
from everything, I 
just want to live, I 
wish I could breathe
[x3]

Rescue me
from everything, I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe (wish I could breathe)

Rescue me (rescue me)
from everything (everything), I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe (wish I could breathe)

Rescue me (rescue me)
from everything (from everything), I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe

One of the bad days.

It's a long time since I've updated my blog. I feel weird if I don't update it. It's like I'm talking to myself but it's not?

I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.

I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.

Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.

Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.

I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.

Close your eyes before you hit the taxi.

It scares me how peaceful it felt even for that millisecond.

It's like you're free.

I want this feeling and I'm trying to get it without resorting to this.