Things that I found to be true after 21 years of living.

1. Eating good food everyday is not exactly a blessing, indigestion follows closely after that.
2. It should make a difference when someone loves you.
3. Good teachers may not necessarily be good people.
4. Apologizing always eases the tension after a fight.
5. You will always remember the people that you used to love. You will remember every detail of how you come to stop loving them. It will still hurt you, even if you're over it.
6. You will have dreams of killing people that pissed you off in real life, it's okay.
7. It's also okay to want a goat, an alpaca and a flying carpet.
8.You may stray a little growing up but you will go back to doing what you love. For me, it's writing and reading.
9. Growing up is shit. And very painful.
10. You will really REALLY love a person. They will eventually screw you over because that's what people do.
11. Being friends with yourself is nice, you don't really go wrong there.
12. Don't fall in love because everyone else had someone. You don't need anyone, you can survive very well on your own.
13. Make new friends, they can change and probably save your life.
14. Invest in a hobby, You're doing it for you, there's nothing wrong with that.
15. It's okay to want to punch people in the face but it's not okay if you actually do it. I'm sure you're not sorry after doing it.
16. It's okay to want to make people hurt just like how they hurt you. It will help you grieve.
17. It's okay to kiss guys and girls, as long as they don't belong to someone.
18. Writing is good for the soul, well, your soul. I don't know about other people.
19. It's okay to not love someone who loves you. If it's not there, it's not your fault.
21. It's okay to not follow the order of numbers because it's my blog, fuck you.
22. Everyone has their own stories of happiness and loss. Listen because they help you understand life more.
23. You can do so much more than you want to give yourself credit for. Don't be fucking modest, they get you nowhere.
24. You will want to change for someone, you will not want to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It's cool, you'll come back.
25. There will be days where you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed, play Sims 3 and starve.
26. Swearing is not okay or polite but you will start swearing because everyone is swearing. You will continue swearing because you won't know how to fucking stop swearing.
27. Sadness will always be a comfort zone and you will not be able to understand it but you will get out of it, slowly.
28. There will be days where you would want someone to love you but it's still cool if you don't feel like that two hours after.
29. Loving a guy is cool, loving a girl is cool too. You're able to love, unlike Voldermort.
20. The best "day" of your life will be a collection of moments that you don't want to forget: The way someone looks at you. The way that someone smiled at you. That day when you laughed so hard that you thought you beat depression. The day where you are happy to be alive.
30. Birthdays aren't all that special. It's just how you see the birth of yourself. YOU. Not anyone else, so congratulate yourself for making it this far. I would know, my birthday was just yesterday.

Educate yourself to be happy.

“Do not educate yourself to be rich, educate yourself to be happy. That way when you get older you’ll know the value of things, not the price. In the end, you will come to realize that the best days are the days when you don’t need anything extreme or special to happen to make you smile. You simply appreciate the moments and feel gratitude, seeking nothing else, nothing more.”

Depression

I can't give you a simpler explanation
than this.

You smile
laugh
talk
communicate
flawlessly
just like you would have.
You're fine
even though
you know it's there, lingering.

When you get home,
when you're alone,
you just fall apart
and die.

One of the bad days.

It's a long time since I've updated my blog. I feel weird if I don't update it. It's like I'm talking to myself but it's not?

I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.

I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.

Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.

Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.

I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.

Close your eyes before you hit the taxi.

It scares me how peaceful it felt even for that millisecond.

It's like you're free.

I want this feeling and I'm trying to get it without resorting to this.

When you don't expect it :)

It's been almost a month since everyone is gone. This time, I dare say that I have gotten used to it. Yeah, it can get a little boring but yeah, I got used to it.

It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:

1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with  any of my best friend's boyfriend.

To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all.  Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.

Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and  good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D

Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.

Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.

He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.

P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!

2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.

Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.

3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?

The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.

4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.

I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.

I'm ready for uni now, bitches!

Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)

---

Dear strangers who might be reading this, 

life is unpredictable and 
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that 
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.

Encantada :)

From Tryphena
x

If I choose sleep over you, you are special.

The above statement is true.

Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.

2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"

So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.

"Message from Francine's Spain Number"

We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.

And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.

I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.

2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.

Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.

So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.

And guess what time I stayed awake till..

4.23am

Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.

So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.

I am sure she's aware of that.

Losing our pride

I am a proud person. I have an ego and I know it. I take pride in what I do even if no one understands it. I know how to crush people and I know the right words to do it. I have the pride to be heartless and I have the pride to say that I don't care.

So what happens if it's someone that you don't wanna lose? That changes everything, doesn't it?

You know exactly how to crush them, you know where to hit and where to stab. You have all the strongest weapon and you know for a fact that you can break them into bits and pieces but you don't.

Why?

We can't afford to lose them forever because of our pride.

And that's why.

Quoted from Miss Dianne

"Sincerity in a person's speech is seen through the person's actions. When our actions don't match our speech, people smell insincerity and we lose their respect."

- Reading about it is a good reminder because sometimes we get too caught up with everything that we forget what's the importance of actions.

Just fuck it.

 

Just when things are suppose to get better, they give you another reason for you to remember how much you're not worth it. 

Fuck you.

Fuck it.

I'm done, bitches,

Don't you just hate being the nice one?

1. I say "Hi." to you. Don't give me the nod! If I make an effort to say hi, why is it so hard to say hi back or wave?
2. I try to make a conversation. If you can't even keep a conversation, there is NO hope for us to even be acquaintances.
3. Repeat steps 1 & 2 over numerous occasions. If nothing works out, fine.
4. Repeat step 1 every time I see you for the sake of being polite.
5. Waving and saying hi slowly reduces to smiling.
6. If smiling becomes awkward, you will realize that you don't really care what they thought of you and then you just stop acknowledging their presence. That is until they say hi first this time, LOL.

Happens to everyone of us, right?

:P

I have all these reasons to know that this isn't right.

I don't wanna pretend so this is the end, of you and me.

Cause she's everything, everything I'm not.

You are the only exception.

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

I know you're leaving in the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

\

You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing

Hehehehe *squeal*

I think I like you. Wait.. Yep.

I like you. 'Nuff said.

:)

Shit happens. It hurts. So what? No one cares.

So, I'm alone again.
This is nice, quiet.
No one stays,
Even when I though they would.
Nay, you will be back to watch me die.
No? Really?
Who knows, you won't want to miss this.
Me being helpless, weak.
They always come back for it.

Being alone, I should get used to this.
Maybe if I'm in it for long enough,
I will lose my ability to feel.
Now that's a good idea,
I really should keep that in mind.
I would give anything
To not feel.
Tell me something,
Was it worth it, telling you?
Did you understand it?
No?
Yeah, guess I figured that out.
It took me that much to get it out.
Well, obviously you didn't care.
It's not your fault
And I don't blame you.
Come to think of it,
Maybe I should blame someone
And I know who to blame.

I don't know where I stand.
Maybe I belong in the skies?
Maybe in the swamp?
Do I ever deserved to know?
I don't know.
I am desperate to prove myself
But I am no longer sure to who.
Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself that I am worth something to someone.
Or maybe I was trying to prove that..
Up to this point, I am not even sure what I am.
Have you had those blurry moments
Where everything sort of fades?
Yeah, right now,
My lines, my words, my life,
They are slowly blurring, fading.

They say when life gives you lemons,
You make lemonade.
Well, my lemonade taste awful.
They say God has a plan and He protects.
Well, Lord,
You obviously forgot about me
Because I am still hurting and lost
And nothing ever happens no matter how damn hard I pray.
On second thought, God,
Let me hurt.
Maybe if I hurt long enough,
I will be immune to it and
Nothing, no one can hurt me anymore,
Or rather, I can get used to hurting all the time.
Well, it doesn't hurt to have a back up plan.

\

One day, I will be able to look up in the sky and be an illusion, a clear memory.

Resolutions are popular during the last day of the year.

2012 Resolutions

1. Tear down my walls and start letting people in.
2. Stop doubting and start believing.
3. Stop fighting the positive feelings and accept that these are all real and mine to keep.
4. Give guys a chance and stop hating them. Not all guys are donkeys.
5. Lose a minimum of 5kg. HAHAHAHA let's see if that happens.
6. Study. Really. Hard.
7. Stop what I have been doing for the past 4 years.
8. Drive safer. My sincere apologies to Francine, Timothy, Nicholas, Foo and Andrew for putting your lives into danger.
9. Remove those who tear me down and those who left me from my life. I'm better off without you.
10. Be a better daughter. Parents don't live forever.
11. Be a better friend. I have been told that I am a really good friend but I will do better.
12. Laugh and smile more.
13. Look for and hold on to every reason to keep going and to live.
14. Be a better person.
15. Learn to control my anger. I am told that I am an angry person and I do not think it has much to do with my temper though.
15. Learn to tolerate.
16. Remember that people actually stay in your life. They are here and yours. I love you guys.
17. If the world doesn't end, I will watch the movie "2012".

Thank you for telling me where I stand. It hurts but at least now I know.

At least you didn't kill me this time.

I just wanna scream and lose control, throw my hands up and let it go.

This feeling of wanting to break down.
This feeling of trying to keep everything together.
It's so familiar but yet,
It's something that I do not really know of.

My body ached for this pain.
The only thing that would
If not silence, numb the voices in my head.
I ached to breathe again, to live through today.
I ached to feel the blood running through my veins,
Showing me signs that I am still alive,
That I am strong.
I need this pain
Even though I know it hurts you more than me.

I need to straighten up, to stand tall.
I need to be able to say hi, give a hug.
I need to be happy, to smile
I need to be there when you need me.
I need to be able to be strong for those who can't be strong for themselves.
I need to lift my head, to say I'm proud of you.
I need to be able to tell you I love you, like I've never been hurt before.
I need to be everything I can be, instead of what I can't be.

I need to be strong,
So that I don't fall.
I must not be weak,
I have miles to run.
I cannot trip because I don't know if
I'm able to pick myself up.

\

I have to be strong because I have no reason to be weak.

Your exclamations always amuses me

I guess this post will be as random as my blog title.

These are facts that I just noticed about myself.
1. Doing push ups and sit ups help me reduce stress of any kind.
2. My arms get tired after push ups.
3. I need to workout more.
4. The silliest and weirdest things make me laugh and make me happy.
3. Francine's duckie photo (my current phone background picture) makes my day, much to her dismay.
5. I don't mind doing past year papers, it's the "it might come out this exam" part that annoys me to no end.
6. I have insomnia at the moment. I can't sleep until it's past 2 am or something.
7. Insomnia gives me weird cravings.
8. All baby animals (except for snakes) are cute no matter fierce or tame.
9. I still do not enjoy Physics.
10. I still love Math, if I know how to do it.
11. I get weird dreams these days.
12. I cannot sleep past 6 or 7 hours.
13. A clean bedroom makes me feel relaxed and I can't study in it.
14. My messy room helps me concentrate better. True story.
15. I will forever love fried chicken.

That's all for now.
I'll do more past year papers now :)