Late night Confessions: 19/6/14, 1.03AM

I cannot see someone being in love with me. I mean, how could they? I'm all fats and stretch marks, frizzy hair and big arms. If they give ratings for puberty, I would say puberty gets a 3, only because it gave me boobs. I grew up thinking that I didn't need love. I grew up thinking that love is equivalent to pain and that to love is to be in pain.

Then, I learn that love is gentle and soft but what would they say when they reach out to stroke my arm? What would they look like when they realized that all they can feel beneath their fingertips are never ending bumps? I cannot see them hugging me tighter or holding me closer when I cry.

I cannot see anyone missing me so much that they cry. I cannot see anyone crying and asking me not to leave. I have never felt wanted or needed. I don't understand why anyone would want me or need me. There are better people around, so yeah, I get it. I was always second, always.

Slowly, you just get used to it. You get thankful when someone remembers your name. You thanked people when they pay a little attention to you and you'd say to yourself, "At least someone noticed me this time." The saddest thing about this is that when someone is genuinely nice to you, you have no idea how to react to it.

Simply, I believe that I am not supposed to be loved or to ever feel love because when I feel it, all it brings is pain. I'd rather be without it.

First blog post as a 21 year old.

I have not written in a long time, I have good reasons for it. Well, at least I think it's good. I don't know why I am explaining since I am talking to myself here.

I was home for the holidays, still am though. I have been doing practically nothing productive because there is nothing productive of my own to be done. House work and chores are different things. I'd just procrastinate until literally 20 minutes before my mum comes home and just finish it really really quickly. It looks something like Hit Girl in the movie Kick Ass 2, after she was given the adrenaline shot.

Things have been okay, I guess. At least that's what I would say to a stranger because I don't know how to explain what I have been feeling lately. Plus, people don't ask how are you to get an answer. It's small talk, they just want an "okay" and next question. Given all the time that I spend alone in KL, I have a tendency to keep things to myself now, or to my blog. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just became more private and you will only see what I show you.

I have been 21 for about a week now. I didn't expect anything like what happened with Harry Potter when he turned 11, to happen. It was nice to not feel the difference but then again, you do feel the urgency to become more responsible, more productive, more successful and so on because I am legally an adult now. With that being said, I also understand that with me being older, it means my parents are aging too, which further stressed my responsibility as the eldest in the family, to be more of an adult.

At 21, people would have expected you to be... not lost. Unfortunately, here I am, feeling as lost as I was 3 years ago, the only difference is that I was on my own. I had a best friend 3 years ago. She's gone now and I am alone. Again, it's not bad, I haven learnt to be content on my own now but it'd be nice to have someone, yknow.

However, I would like to look at the bright side of not knowing what to do with myself:

1. I am studying in a course that I really really like, which means I am most likely to go into that in the future.
2. I still see the importance of writing in my life and I am lucky because I still have something that I love that is mine.
3. I have the possibilities of everything lying ahead of me BECAUSE I don't have a plan.
4. I know what to look for slowly from my own experiences and even so, I can just change things if I don't like them.
5. I get to be selfish first.
6. I can try anything that I want and not regret it.

That's enough of me talking about me to me. I am surprisingly enjoying this. It beats talking to people because I am not a judgmental person and it sucks when people are. They say, you are your own best friend, yeah, in a lot of ways, it's true :)

Reflection.

tell me
tell me if
it's possible
for someone to fall apart
without giving anything away?

\

Yes.

I just felt my insides died
I think my toes and fingers went numb
something somewhere in my chest just clenched
and now,
I can't feel anything
I can't feel my face muscles,
it's like I'm drunk
without consuming alcohol.
My airway feels constricted and
I feel like I'm choking
because my lungs,
they are rejecting oxygen
All I can do is hyperventilate
and gasped silently for air,
which is obviously not working.
I literally feel myself crumbling into pieces
and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Now, my bones and everything
start to hurt
and all I want to do is
curl up in my bed,
close my eyes,
sleep
and hopefully, just maybe,
die

All these happened
while I'm staring at myself
in the mirror.

tumblr musings.

Perhaps
the reason you hated yourself
so much
has to do with the fact that
you've poured
all
your love into
someone else
and
left none for yourself

or maybe
you didn't think you deserve any love
even from yourself
so you gave it all away instead

Why would you chose me?

How can someone love me
when I can't even bear
the sight of
myself
in the mirror?

Why would someone chose me,
chose to love me
when
there are a lot more girls
who are perfect
and better than
me?

Why would someone want to be
with me
when
there are a lot more girls who look better
and look cuter with
you?

Why would you chose someone
like me,
cracked, broken and jaded?

Why would you chose me
to be your reason
to smile,
when all I am
is a bundle of old scars
and
dark secrets?

Why would you chose me,
over her,
the tall pretty blonde,
the skinny flawless brunette?

How can you look at me
and not
see everything that is
wrong
with me?

Why would you chose to be
with me,
when I won't even choose me
if
I had a choice?

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Maybe because it's 4:16 am.
Maybe because I'm sentimental right now.
Maybe because I miss you.
Maybe because I'm feeling rather lonely right now.
Maybe be cause having you around makes me feel better.
Maybe because it's easier to talk to you.
Maybe because I miss home.
Maybe cause I just miss you.

\

When I see your picture, I know I can stare at it and be happy forever. I remember that moment when that picture was taken. I remember what we did, what we said, what we laughed at. I remember looking you and shaking my head, thinking that I am so lucky to have found another person who is as retarded as me. I remember where this was taken and where we're heading after that. I remember you, you were smiling and it was very beautiful to see that because you were upset during the week. I remember being very happy because everything was just like the beginning. I remember hugging you and you hugging back and then, we laughed because we felt like it. I remember laughing even harder when we saw the outcome of the rest of the pictures and we sat there deciding which are the best ones.

They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Maybe I just have a way with words. Maybe I just have a lot more to say when it comes to you because we were too ridiculous that everything, even running through the mall is funny. Maybe I just like to describe everything that I remember in that particular moment. Maybe, like I've said before, I just remember the little things more vividly.

Now I'm looking at the pictures again. I miss you. I am trying not to cry but yeah, I miss you. I know I can tell the stories that lead up to all the pictures but all I can say is that I just really love you. You're my best friend and I haven't seen or talk to you in a while and right now, I just really really wish you were here because I need someone to sit in silence with and maybe cry for a little bit. I know I'll see you soon but right now, I just wish you were here.

This is just hunger and that talking.

I am very hungry. I mean it.

I feel my stomach churning and I feel my energy draining with every single word I type. I am so tired, so.. tired. I just want my brain and my tummy to shut up.

I am currently munching on a biscuit. It is making even more hungry. I realized that I haven't felt full since my lunch a few days ago. Yeah, I am officially living like a hobbit.

And yeah, I can't sleep. And I'm hungry.

Never a good combo.

It will not be like this.

It's the New Year's.

I don't feel any different. I suppose it's just another day.

Right now, I don't feel joy or sadness or anything. I only feel pain and more pain. I wish I can sleep and not wake up.

I wish.. How I wish.. But it will never be real, only an illusion, a fantasy.

I feel pain, only pain and nothing else. I am numb.

I don't feel anything else, except the pain that tearing me apart.

How I wish I can drink till I die on the sidewalk but I can't because I would still feel pain even in my sleep.

How I wish to bleed until I succumb to the fading light in front to me. The only way, the only way that I can't feel.

Last post of 2012: Confessions

I remember the time when I am sure that I love you.

I remember feeling so upset like I was never gonna smile again.

Then, there you were.

Brown eyes with golden flecks, 5'4, brown hair with natural light brown highlights, a smile that lit up my world, hands that are so soft. The way you fit just right in my arms.

I remember the times where I look at you like you're everything that I have and I ever wanted, and me trying to figure it out what it meant.

Right now, closing my eyes, I can feel your hands on the side of my face. Your face being so close, your eyes staring straight into mine, telling me everything's going to be alright.

Then, your arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me close to you, pulling me into a tight embrace.

When you pulled away, you looked at me again. Your eyes filled with some emotion that I never see that often. You said that you love me and hugged me tighter.

I looked at you and I'm home.

I love you.

Happy New year 2013

For the last time.

I learnt that..

Most of us don't really learn about that feeling of "the last time" until we actually have to do something for that very LAST time.

Like now, it's my last time tweeting/blogging/sleeping/downloading stuff in my own room.

And somehow, we don't realize how important something or someone is to us until the very last minute. I think it's sad. 

When my mum told me that she couldn't sent me off to university in the morning, I felt tears in my eyes. And it's weird because she was there during every graduation, every performance and when she said she couldn't make it, I felt that emptiness of her absence even if I understood why she couldn't make it.

It's not like I'm mad at here but it's just that kid inside of you that wants to throw a tantrum is screaming "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!" And it's just that feeling..

Oh shit,

I'm crying. 

Why did I make myself cry...?

I haven't cried in a while. The last time I cried was the day I last saw Francine. It was like a pent up explosion of her leaving and me leaving my family and for.. change.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate goodbyes. Like hate it!

I'd do anything to stop it from happening or at least let myself not feel the absence of that person or avoid it altogether.

People leaving. And goodbyes.

Those are my biggest fears. And I'm still having trouble facing it.

Francine, why are you on the other side of the world when I need you the most..? Come back :(

I'll write more later because I feel like I will have a lot of things to say, a lot of thoughts to be expressed and it'll be good, I guess.

I hope I get a nice roommate. I don't expect them to be neat ( 'cause I'm not.), proper ( I am so not!) or perfect. I just want someone that I get along with.

Fingers crossed. 

To be honest, I am really scared.

Sigh.

If I choose sleep over you, you are special.

The above statement is true.

Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.

2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"

So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.

"Message from Francine's Spain Number"

We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.

And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.

I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.

2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.

Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.

So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.

And guess what time I stayed awake till..

4.23am

Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.

So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.

I am sure she's aware of that.

Pain. Just pain.

You know the kind of pain that makes you short of breath?

The kind that makes you want to shrivel up and hide from the world. And then, you just want to close your eyes while lying in bed and pretend that everything else is just a dream. You feel this gaping hole in your chest but you don't know what's wrong. You're not upset, you're not sad. No, you're very sure that you're not numb. You feel something but you don't know what's that called.

You'd think falling asleep will make everything go away, at least just for a little while. Then, you realize that you can still feel the pain even in your dreams. You don't give up, you try harder to fall asleep but to no avail, you know that you can't because the pain is consuming you and your brain just refuses to shut up. You end up tossing and turning all night, feeling the emptiness engulf you whole. You know you can't cry because the tears won't come. You wrap your arms around your body, hoping to get a little sense of security. Yeah, it doesn't work.

Then, you take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. You feel your lungs expand and contract. It hurts to breathe. You close your eyes as you breathe. Your eyes burn due to insomnia. Your hearing becomes sharper to sounds that does not seem to be there in the first place. Yeah, insomnia does that to you. All you want to do is just to sit somewhere, breathe and try to get through the day in one piece. The agony of this, you'd do anything to get rid of this.

\

And you just can't make sense of this pain because it's not suppose to be there anymore.

Fear. Of losing the people that you love.

So, it's like 12.14am and I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see my best friend on the brink of death in the hospital and then she dies. What the frick.. Francine, I blame you.

Okay, so here's the thing. I've always had the fear of losing the people that I love in one a way or another. Usually they leave out of my life but then, the other way is that they die which did not happen.

Whenever my inseurities get the best of me, I'll be afraid that they will leave me suddenly, something like a break up. When I am cantent that I have friends that I know that will stay forever, I HAD to overthink everything and become paranoid that I will lose them to death.

Seriously? Brain?

Apparently I have a vivid imaginaiton so I can make the things in my mind look so real that it seems like reality. It is so annoying.

I mean, anything can happen right? Every dreams can seem so real.

I need to breathe because I think I will go crazy thinking about this.

If only you knew how much it hurts.

Let's see,
Which is bigger or heavier?
A chair or a piano?
A chair, yeah, it's good enough.

You see this chair?
Look in the mirror,
do you see your face?
Yeah?

Okay, let's take a guess.
What would happen if this chair connected with your face?
Would it hurt? Yes?
Pfft, that's nothing compared to what I feel, seeing you everyday.

If only you knew, if only you can feel what I feel,
It would explain so much, right?
Yeah, like you would care.
It was all for show, right?
Everything you said, hah, and I believed it.
I would rather believe what I can see and feel
Rather than to believe your words
'Cause it hurt like hell to convince myself that you were sincere.
'Cause I knew the cold hard facts but yet, trying my best to push it away.

Do you know how much it hurts?
No, I wouldn't think so.
But yet, here you stay in my life.

Why do I let people treat me the way I would never treat them?
'Cause I'm stupid enough to let them stay in my life for too long
And now I can't live without them.

It always starts out as a feeling :)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Resolutions are popular during the last day of the year.

2012 Resolutions

1. Tear down my walls and start letting people in.
2. Stop doubting and start believing.
3. Stop fighting the positive feelings and accept that these are all real and mine to keep.
4. Give guys a chance and stop hating them. Not all guys are donkeys.
5. Lose a minimum of 5kg. HAHAHAHA let's see if that happens.
6. Study. Really. Hard.
7. Stop what I have been doing for the past 4 years.
8. Drive safer. My sincere apologies to Francine, Timothy, Nicholas, Foo and Andrew for putting your lives into danger.
9. Remove those who tear me down and those who left me from my life. I'm better off without you.
10. Be a better daughter. Parents don't live forever.
11. Be a better friend. I have been told that I am a really good friend but I will do better.
12. Laugh and smile more.
13. Look for and hold on to every reason to keep going and to live.
14. Be a better person.
15. Learn to control my anger. I am told that I am an angry person and I do not think it has much to do with my temper though.
15. Learn to tolerate.
16. Remember that people actually stay in your life. They are here and yours. I love you guys.
17. If the world doesn't end, I will watch the movie "2012".

Learn to fly, breathe and leap.

You learn to breathe.
You learn to smile.
You learn to laugh.
You learn to act.
You learn to be strong.

\

Everything, you will learn when you're trying so hard not to break down, not to cry, not to fall.

You learn to be happy for them.
You learn to live without them.
You learn to stop thinking about them.
You learn to be brave and be okay.
You learn to smile and be free.

\

they are not your everything. You wake up one day in the morning, realizing that you can live without them. They moved on and now you know you can too.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

I'm here as long as you need me, as long as you still want me here.

My tyre punctured today. Yes, very interesting.

This 100th post is dedicated to Francine and Timmy for rescuing me when I punctured my tyre. Love you guys.

Hi.

I haven't been posting about what I have been up to these days. So, this entry will most probably be about what I did for the past week and it will make me sound like a homeless hobo.

So I was staying over at Francine's for about a whole week. We did nothing much. Timmy a.k.a Timothy also came over. We chilledand watched a lot of movies and our movie marathons often end at about 2 in the morning so yeah, we sent Tim back home after watching a zombie or a paranormal movie. I got paranoid, hah.

7 Cheese pizza from Pizza Hut is amazing. For those who are reading this, if you love cheese, you have to try this. If you don't, you are seriously missing out on a lot.

I am never a fan of horror movies but watching it with friends seems less scarier than expected. When I got scared, all I have to do is pull the blankets over my head and hide behind Francine. and if ahe's scared, she'll hide behind Tim while I hide behind her. Poor Tim, he has no one to hide behind to.

So, that's what we did for the past week. Yes, this happened for the past 6 days. Yes, it was fun. No, we did not break anything.

I love good company and these two retards are good company. So I had a really good time.

My head is killing me.

Stay tune for more... Anything really.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Francine is my froggie :3

Soooooo,

It's 3.05am as I'm typing this. I can't sleep and I'm craving for fried chicken. Yes, people. Insomnia makes you want stuff. Heh.

I have been doing my Chemistry past year papers and I'm starting to get the hang of it. You see, I'm not usually the type of person to actually study and DO past year questions but now I don't really have a choice. Idon't want to fail. No, I can't do that to my parents, can't to that to myself either. I guess I'm just beginning to prove to everyone and mostly myself that I can do something when I really work for it.

It's a new thing for me. I usually give up when I don't understand something. But this time, I refuse to quit even when my first instinct was to run away. I'm not sure why but I think I like it. It's nice trying to work for something for a change.

I'm still not sure why I'm doing science but God has something up his sleeve. Afterall, nothing even happens for no reason. I swear my brainis dying right now.

I can never be thankful and grateful enough for God and the people I have in my life right now. They are the reason why I wake up in the morning and the reason for me to smile. Yes, the girl whose name is currently my blog post's title is one of them. I really should give God the credit for whatever he is doing in my life.

Dear God,

I am really sleepy and apparently I can't sleep. Anyway, thank you for everything and everyone that you have put into my life. I am happy with whatever you are planning but it'd be nice to leave like that for just a bit, if you please.

I used to say life is a bitch but to tell you the truth, it's better now. I will not complain about the hardships and the emotional struggles that I've been through, even though I do wish that it had not happened. They've made me stronger and made me the person I am today despite the shell cracks and battle scars that were left behind, as trophies, lessons and reminders.

Nevertheless, I still thank you, for doing whatever that you did because I'm still here, breathing and living.

Love, Tryphena.

I think I will try to sleep now.
Goodnight.

P/S 5 more days till AS Exams.