Last post of 2012: Confessions

I remember the time when I am sure that I love you.

I remember feeling so upset like I was never gonna smile again.

Then, there you were.

Brown eyes with golden flecks, 5'4, brown hair with natural light brown highlights, a smile that lit up my world, hands that are so soft. The way you fit just right in my arms.

I remember the times where I look at you like you're everything that I have and I ever wanted, and me trying to figure it out what it meant.

Right now, closing my eyes, I can feel your hands on the side of my face. Your face being so close, your eyes staring straight into mine, telling me everything's going to be alright.

Then, your arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me close to you, pulling me into a tight embrace.

When you pulled away, you looked at me again. Your eyes filled with some emotion that I never see that often. You said that you love me and hugged me tighter.

I looked at you and I'm home.

I love you.

Happy New year 2013

For the last time.

I learnt that..

Most of us don't really learn about that feeling of "the last time" until we actually have to do something for that very LAST time.

Like now, it's my last time tweeting/blogging/sleeping/downloading stuff in my own room.

And somehow, we don't realize how important something or someone is to us until the very last minute. I think it's sad. 

When my mum told me that she couldn't sent me off to university in the morning, I felt tears in my eyes. And it's weird because she was there during every graduation, every performance and when she said she couldn't make it, I felt that emptiness of her absence even if I understood why she couldn't make it.

It's not like I'm mad at here but it's just that kid inside of you that wants to throw a tantrum is screaming "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!" And it's just that feeling..

Oh shit,

I'm crying. 

Why did I make myself cry...?

I haven't cried in a while. The last time I cried was the day I last saw Francine. It was like a pent up explosion of her leaving and me leaving my family and for.. change.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate goodbyes. Like hate it!

I'd do anything to stop it from happening or at least let myself not feel the absence of that person or avoid it altogether.

People leaving. And goodbyes.

Those are my biggest fears. And I'm still having trouble facing it.

Francine, why are you on the other side of the world when I need you the most..? Come back :(

I'll write more later because I feel like I will have a lot of things to say, a lot of thoughts to be expressed and it'll be good, I guess.

I hope I get a nice roommate. I don't expect them to be neat ( 'cause I'm not.), proper ( I am so not!) or perfect. I just want someone that I get along with.

Fingers crossed. 

To be honest, I am really scared.

Sigh.

In too much pain to feel anything else. I'm sorry.

Loving her is red

The lyrics explain everything.

From how it felt loving you to missing you.

From trying to forget you to loving you even more.

Somehow I wish I told you how I felt.

I wished you knew how I felt.

I love you. - HC

Loving her is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly

Loving her is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in the autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving her was red

Loving her was red

Touching her was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing her was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with her was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer

Regretting her was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

Remembering her comes in flashbacks and echos

Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go

But moving on from her is impossible 

When I still see it all in my head

Burning red

Love is so red

Oh losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

Cause loving her was red

We're burning red

Her love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

9 more days

I haven't been posting lately. I didn't feel like it.

I'm going off to KL in 9 days. I don't know what exactly I should feel. I'm sad, excited, happy, scared, terrified.. It's a whole bunch of emotions mixed together, like a trail mix. Oh well..

It was Francine's birthday yesterday. I spammed her with birthday wishes. I miss her..

Today is Tan Pei Hung;s birthday.

And tomorrow is Foo's birthday.

I wish that somehow I will be happy because right now, I really can't.

I'll write more later because like I've said, right now, I really can't.

Inevitable, change.

December, being the last month of the year, almost has the same meaning as change.

During this time, most of the people will see if they completed all of their resolutions made in the beginning of the year and then, they would make new ones. Things that they would like to change, the character traits of themselves that they would like to change. This month, is all about change.

Students getting ready for a new year, buying new uniforms, new bags, new stationary. They promise themselves that they would work harder the next year, that they would change to be better. Working adults promising themselves to work harder to get a promotion and spouses promising themselves to be better husbands or wives to their significant other. And kids, they promise their parents to be better kids, to be obedient and all. Change. Everything is change.

You know what it means to me? December?

It means everyone leaving. I'm leaving my home to go to uni. My best friend is not going to be around so often. I will be in a new environment and I have to deal with people and things that are completely new, foreign to me. It means everything is going to change, it's going to be different.

I am not good with change. I despise change. I wouldn't want it if I had a choice but I don't.

I run away from change. I don't adapt well to change. Oh, save your lecture about how I need to and I have no choice, of course I know that. That doesn't mean that I deal with it well. In fact, I am pretty much a mess now, trying to deal with it.

I hate goodbyes because it brings change. I am honestly terrified and scared about uni because I have no idea what to expect from it. I am content with the way things are right now. I call Francine, she picks up. We chat and then makes plans together. Going away means all these that I have right now, is also going to go away.

I am not ready for all of these but then again, who is?

I refuse to change but then, I have to because there's no way I can afford it.

I hung out with Francine today. It's like our last time to hang out because she's off to KL tomorrow and then back again on Wednesday only to go off again to US on Friday. After that, I won't be seeing her till next year, mid January. That is for the Swedish House Mafia Concert and then, I have no absolutely fucking idea when I'll see her again.

I am scared. Not only cause of the change, also cause of the not knowing when I'll see you again. I cannot deal with the fact that the last day I'll see her is like on the day of the concert and then, BAM!, something bad happens. I can't deal with this.

When it was time to go, we hugged. 
I felt her arms loosen. I remember saying while refusing to let go, "I don't want to let go." 
I hear her laugh, she hugged me once again, with a plastic bag of cereal and toothpaste in one hand. 
Gently, she said, "But you have to."
We both let go at the same time as I looked at her and whispered, "I know.."
We said our last take cares and you toos and then, going our separate ways.

Our friendship, for me, is different because we have these small movie-like moments where the shortest sentences, the smallest gestures mean so much more. It's that part of the movie where the rawness of emotion and simplicity of words and actions makes the whole scene so undeniably real and then, you believe it. We have those moments. And it's those moments that help me through the hard times when I can't talk to her.

I was crying like hell when I was describing that scene above because it's something like the last hang out or something. I am indeed grateful for her, Despite our little squabbles and swearing at each other during our huge fights, I would not take back anything that happened from the moment I met this girl. It's because I knew her, I have been changed for good.

I am sorry for being sentimental but yeah, I am scared of the things that I cannot predict.

So the posts this month might be about how I am dealing with everything.

5 more days and sick.

I am sick.

My eyes are heavy. My throat hurts. My tonsils are in fact, inflamed. I can feel it throbbing. I don't know why but my nose keeps running. My whole body aches.

I am hungry but I am too tired or rather lazy to eat. It hurts to swallow and I can't breathe with my nose.

Ugh, I rarely get sick. And this is just me complaining how annoying it is to not be able to be alert and not tired.

OhMiGosh, I hate this.

I hate you but I love you more.

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't know what to say. Usually, when I blog, it means that I have something to express, to say but recently, I am just keeping to myself, holding my tongue because I know I am capable to using things that hurt people to completely destroy them.

I like that feeling of knowing what to say to make them break. Anger fuels it and rage just makes you feel all powerful, like you could kill them and not feel a thing. Anger is my drive to win. It always has been.

But if you love someone more than you love to win, you'd force yourself to back down because you know very well that you can't take back what you said. So, you bite your tongue till it bleeds and back the fuck down.

I am forcing myself to not overthink, to not care, to not think about the excuses that you gave when you did what you did. I don't have anything else to say but the truth when people ask about it. Inside I hate you so much. I hated you for treating me like I'll understand because you're my best friend, like I don't matter when all I did was trying to prove that you matter to me. Oh, the irony.

Sometimes I laugh at myself, why do I  care? Oh yeah, because I fell in love with you. And that just complicates everything else, doesn't it? Different? I have to sit back and watch you fall in love with someone else. Explain to me how do people stay the same after that.I love you more than I hate you. I'd rather hurt than to lose you. Am I stupid or what? I don't expect you to love me back. I just expect you to treat me like I matter. If I don't, just pretend or tell me to disappear.

This will be the first and last time that I'll admit this or at least make this obvious for you. And I'm sorry for screaming at you.

I love you but I hate you.
I hate you for making me fight for you, be there for you, and then turn around to tell me that you cannot cope with my shit, whatever that means because when I'm with you, your shit is all I deal with.
I hate you for not seeing what you're doing to me and making me feel like a selfish bitch when I try to tell you what I feel.
I hate you for making me feel like the most important person in the world when you said you had no one and ignore me like I don't exist when everything with you is alright.
I hate you for breaking me on my own birthday and for making me love you anyway. 
I hate you for making plans with me and me knowing that if something better came up, you'd dump me.
I hate you for knowing that I'll be there and you taking full advantage of it just because you say you have "no one".
I hate you for having this ability to completely destroy and restore me, both at the same time.
I hate you for having this effect on me, for making me stay even when I know I'll die trying to make you mine in some ways.
I hate you for making me believe your promises, only to be disappointed and to find out that I don't matter.
I hate you for making me love you so much that I can't hate you.
I hate you because I can only see myself happy with you, and no one else.
I hate you because you changed me and now I can't change back.

I counted the number of times you smiled at me and I die on days that you didn't. -Santana

I love you so much. Sometimes, I wish that I don't.

Made me laugh, AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

Principle Figgins: As you may heard, our history teacher, Mrs Hagberg, has been forced into retirement due to some memory problems.

Flashback to Mrs. Hagberg teaching a class.

Mrs. Hagberg: And that's how Germany won the second World War.

- Scene from Glee

New York, I'm coming for you!

Being in New York is like falling in love, over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to serenade us to make it perfect.

 - Rachel Berry, Glee.

- Sue Sylvester

When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them.

A prayer of an 11-year-old Holocast victim

"God? How good you are, how kind and if one had to count the number of goodnesses and kindnesses You have done, one would never finish.

God? It is You who command. It is You who are justice, it is You who reward the good and punish the evil.

God? It is thanks to you that I have a beautiful life before, that I was spoiled, that I had lovely things hat others do not have.

God? After that, I ask You one thing only: Make my parents come back, my poor parents protect them (even more than You protect me) so that I can see them again as soon as possible.

Make them come back again. Ah! I had such a good mother and such a good father! I have such faith in You and I thank You in advance."

- 11-year-old Liliane Gerenstein, 
  extracted from http://www.deathcamps.info/Letters/new_page_2.htm

She was a Jewish orphan who was caught along with her brother and other kids at one of the orphanage. She was gassed a few days after she arrived at the camps during world war 2. It was basically like the end of the world for them but yet, she still have the faith to thank God for everything. From the letter, she's telling God that she's not afraid because he's with her.

And I am here, going to university, with a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, complaining about the things that does NOT amount to half the things that she went through. What does that say about me?

God? I am sorry for complaining. I am sorry for not being grateful. I am sorry for all the things that I have said. I have not thanked you for all the things that I have in a while now. I thank you for the things that are going well, I thank you for the things that are not. I thank you for reminding me how much I have to be grateful for. I thank you for waking me up form my slumber. I thank you for everything good and bad.

"Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." -Psalms 23:4

Even in the face of death, I will pray, for I am not afraid.

I don't suppose anything hurts more than this.

I don't what's gonna happen. Right now, I am trying my best not to care. I stop smiling when I see your picture. It hurts but not as much. I feel nothing when I see your picture, I guess that's a good thing. We don't talk anymore even though it's the only thing that I want right now. I am scared to say that I am giving up, that I am letting go but maybe it's for the best? Everything is different now. You can find someone better than me, someone who can meet your needs better. You don't need me in your life, you're better off without me.

At least that's what I convince myself to believe. Like that, I'll stop calling, I'll stop talking to you. Like that, I might be able to stop hurting.

Against

I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all the discouragement that can be.

- Alison, Pretty Little Liars

Happy November, everyone :)

it made me laugh.

I hope it amuses you too.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

When you don't expect it :)

It's been almost a month since everyone is gone. This time, I dare say that I have gotten used to it. Yeah, it can get a little boring but yeah, I got used to it.

It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:

1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with  any of my best friend's boyfriend.

To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all.  Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.

Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and  good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D

Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.

Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.

He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.

P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!

2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.

Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.

3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?

The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.

4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.

I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.

I'm ready for uni now, bitches!

Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)

---

Dear strangers who might be reading this, 

life is unpredictable and 
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that 
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.

Encantada :)

From Tryphena
x

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair 
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a 
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
Ans was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got his glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

- Extracted from "Perks of being a wallflower"

If I choose sleep over you, you are special.

The above statement is true.

Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.

2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"

So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.

"Message from Francine's Spain Number"

We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.

And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.

I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.

2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.

Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.

So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.

And guess what time I stayed awake till..

4.23am

Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.

So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.

I am sure she's aware of that.

Losing our pride

I am a proud person. I have an ego and I know it. I take pride in what I do even if no one understands it. I know how to crush people and I know the right words to do it. I have the pride to be heartless and I have the pride to say that I don't care.

So what happens if it's someone that you don't wanna lose? That changes everything, doesn't it?

You know exactly how to crush them, you know where to hit and where to stab. You have all the strongest weapon and you know for a fact that you can break them into bits and pieces but you don't.

Why?

We can't afford to lose them forever because of our pride.

And that's why.

Dynamics.

My best friend is a dynamic person. Dynamic is like the perfect word to describe her. I, on the other hand, am resistant to change and I like small plans changes but not big ass life-changing plans changes. We are different in that way. We have our own reasons why we are the way we are and we don't judge each other on that.

Anyway..

I have never fought  with someone so many times in a year. It was always nothing big but it still mattered a lot to me, every single disagreement. I don't know about her and I don't want think about that.

I love her. I need her and I always want her in my life but now, we just need some space.

I'd like to keep everything at that.

For my sake.

Quoted from Miss Dianne

"Sincerity in a person's speech is seen through the person's actions. When our actions don't match our speech, people smell insincerity and we lose their respect."

- Reading about it is a good reminder because sometimes we get too caught up with everything that we forget what's the importance of actions.

It's Time - Imagine Dragons

Just thought I'd share this song with whoever that's reading this.

I'm not gonna tell you how much I love this song. 

Instead, I'll tell you why.

You know how some songs just makes you feel empowered in a good way, 

like you can do anything in this world?

This song to reminds me to keep standing up no matter what.

I heard this song from my best friend but I didn't really listen to it.

Then, I heard it again in the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,

which looks like an amazing movie by the way. 

I read the book already and I love it.

I'm about to go off to university in a few months *deep breaths*

It's weird to actually see how fast we grow up.

The movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower is about students growing up 

and going through all sorts of pain.

Of course, it includes graduation and university.

The chorus of the song

"It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit

I was the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am."

For me, yeah, it IS time to begin

and no matter how much I've changed,

I am still exactly who I'm supposed to be and nothing's gonna change that.

To be curt, 

this song reminds me to be who I am no matter how different things are.

I am titanuim.

I am sitting in front of my work desk. And I am trying not to cry.

I know too much, I've heard too much and I've seen enough.

I don't know how to be strong for so many people. I feel myself cracking because of my own problems. I am trying my best to deal with everything but I can't.

I can't cry because I just can't.

I wish you were here. I need you to tell me if everything is going to be okay when it is not. I don't care if you're lying. I just want you here.

Guess it's never too late to say that I really love you and I mean it with every fiber of my body.

Hormonal.

You know that feeling that you can't describe? The kind that is swallowing you whole and you feel eaten away?

The kind that makes you want to cry but you refuse to? The kind that makes you wanna scream out loud to the skies and just simply.. cry..?

And then, for that moment, you just want someone to hold you tight and not let go.

You just want to sit there and cry.

And then, the worst thing is you scrolled down your phone contacts and there's no one to call. They are all either away or just not someone you want to cry to.

Paradox.

Have you ever loved someone so much that when you think of them, all you can do is close your eyes and smile?

Do you ever feel breathless every time you see them even though you have seen them for over a thousand times already?

When you do see them, you can't help but to stare like you've never seen them before, right?

Now imagine. Their arms are around you and yours around them, you hold them tight, not ever wanting to let go and just wanting time to freeze in this moment. You close your eyes, inhale and smile while you pull them into a tighter embrace. Another perfect moment, right?

Have you ever felt your heart stop when they smile and along with that, everything around you just sorta stops and whizzes past in slow motion?

And when you're with them, nothing else matters, nothing except them. You remember everything about them. The way they laugh, the way they look at you and what it meant, everything. Every little thing like when they drop something, you know what to do or say. Every smile, every frown, you know with one look.

"Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I can stare at them for a lifetime." - Shakira

When you look at them, the first thing you look at is their eyes, without a doubt. You feel their gaze on you, warm and gentle. You look up and your eyes locked. Their eyes are soft, radiating of curiosity and humor as you see a half-smile creep across their face. The color of their eyes never cease to amaze you as you think that it might be the most beautiful thing that you've seen ever. You swear to yourself that you will not blink until they look away. This is a moment, one perfect moment to remind yourself that you love them.

And then you smile back.

Short stories. Yeah, I'm gonna write :)

Well, I have always like writing. I don't have a habit of using big, impressive words.

Not that I don't want to but back in high school, due to the English standard of the school, big and outrageous words were not taught as frequently even though there is a new set of vocabulary every week. To me, it's just a revision of the words that I already knew.

So, basically, I have limited impressive words to use.

My English teachers thought that my strong points in writing is my ability to communicate with the audience. Like the readers are able to feel and imagine what my characters are feeling, seeing and experience.

That's a good thing, I guess.

I haven't written stories in a while. Blog posts are like diary entries to me, so I don't think it counts as writing. The last time I wrote a story was during SPM and that was my best story ever. I will never stop being proud of it.

Writing keeps me sane. I was the most depressed person that I've ever met looking back. One of my best friends said that I rarely smile at things. There were not a lot of things that kept me happy. I laughed but I was never happy. I was literally depressed and cynical. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad it was until she told me. It's rather hard to believe actually because I am surprisingly different now.

Like I've said, I rarely display emotion back then but I was expressive when I write. I guess writing helped me with what I refuse to let myself feel. Like happiness, sadness and all that. I don't cry last time. I don't feel. but then again, I think I felt too much of everything that my brain just shut down and wouldn't function anymore. I think I was numb because everything else hurt so much.

Writing is like channeling to me then. It's like transferring all that I feel on to paper. Even forbidden feelings that somehow doesn't feel wrong if written from another character's perspective.

I have Francine who listens and never judges no matter what. I can say what I think, sometimes even without filter. Since she's MIA for a while, things and feelings do pile up even though I am grateful that I still have Tim and Clement around to help me destress.

To summarize it all, I refuse to let myself sink back into that deep hole that I somehow unknowingly fell in. So, I'm gonna write because it saved my life and now it might just the only outlet I have left.

I might post it here or in my other blog. I don't know.

We'll see how it goes :)

Good day everyone.
LAIKE A SIRRRRR!

heh :)

Dear God, give me strength to get through every day.

I miss my best friend.

This what I do when I miss you.

I go through photos and videos. Sometimes even messages.

Then, I realize it's a bad idea.

'Cause I miss you more, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nothing changed, that's for sure :)

When you come back, I'll give you the biggest hug ever.

And then, we'll go watch Breaking Dawn: Part 2.

I miss you so much everyday :(

One of my fav pictures.

This is a very stupid picture but I like it :D

I can't believe we were holding our burgers.

One of those days.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this. That you want to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist.

And just like every other human being, I crave love, except I was not beautiful like them. I was repulsive, ugly.

In this world, looks are everything.

Because at the end of the day, all we care about is looks, right? No one falls in love with your personality.

It hurts because it mattered.

I care about your feelings more than mine.

The truth is you can just kill me and with one last breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Anger will help you survive but it eats you alive after a while.

You didn't love me, because you don't destroy the person that you love.

How do you do that? Act like you don't care, like you don't feel anything? Because I can't do that. I feel. I feel everything.

The distraction helped. But when I got home, and the distractions were gone, self hatred would hit me all over again. I'd lose perspective.

 And the hardest part about living is just taking breaths to stay.

The pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it.

but it doesn't matter, no one's listening.

Made my day.

Just fuck it.

 

Just when things are suppose to get better, they give you another reason for you to remember how much you're not worth it. 

Fuck you.

Fuck it.

I'm done, bitches,

KEEP CALM AND PARTY ON!

 

 

I miss the craziness, the excitement and the stupidity that comes with partying :)

29 days and counting down.

Francine just left for Spain yesterday. I miss that idiot already and it's barely 24 hours, LOL! Guess what her parting words were! I'll miss you? I'll think of you everyday? I love you? NOPE! You memang blind. That's what she said to me AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

KK is quite empty now. Empty as in not a lot of my close friends are here. They all left for uni, to be flight attendants and for language courses in another country. Bong & Bing left last week, Nick left on Monday, Francine left yesterday. They're all gone :(

At least I'm working and I have things to occupy my mind with. I have books. I have a new season of Vampire Diaries coming out. I have Pretty Little Liars' Halloween episode to wait for. I have The X factor to download every week. My other close friends will be coming back almost every week respectively. One month will be fast. I pray that it would be.

I'm hungry.

There's another meeting again in five minutes. I never look forward to these meetings. It makes me feel so uptight and old. Ugh. And I am hungry, which doesn't make the situation better.

Well, uhh, byeeeee.

All is well. Update.

A little update on life then :)

Sometimes you get so tired of being upset, being disappointed and being a piece of something in everyone's petty little drama.

Then, stop and breathe. Don't think about it if it doesn't involve you. Let yourself feel annoyed when you are caught in the middle of it because you are NOT part of the drama. It is not wrong and you need your peace and quiet even if you want to help. You can't help anyone if you're stressed up and on edge.

Personally, I refuse to get worked up into all these because I know for a fact that I get aggressive and I just can't afford any emotional drama from myself right now.

I am exhausted from work, mentally and both physically. I get cranky and all I just want to do and stay in one place and NOT move. Me being in this state, it just won't allow any more unnecessary bullshit in.

So, now I just sit and relax. Not that I can, but I try to look at brighter sides of things now, which is rare. I guess it took a while for me to get here. Positivity isn't really my sort of thing but right now, it helps me keep calm.

So, ignore the world if you have to when you can't take it.

Talk later. CIAOOO!

What I actually do at my job.

This is very VERY true , LOL!

Happy Birthday to my mum :) *copied from my Facebook*

 

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Momma :) Thank you for always being there whether be it to help me look for my stuff that always magically appear to you or to just cook food. Thank you for raising me up to know what is right and what is wrong, for teaching me to differentiate between black and white and also the grey areas.

Thank you for putting up with my food dreams all these years and for listening to my rants even though sometimes it only makes sense to my 19 year old head.

This is my last time celebrating your birthday with you as a teenager in which sounds very bittersweet. I know that I don't say this much, thank you for everything that you did all these years. And on behalf of the two monkeys at home, I would like to say that we appreciate all that you did even though sometimes we don't show it and to be honest, we don't know what we'll do without you.

OHH, I forgot to hang the laundry last night so I had to hang in early in the morning, heh.

Dad still has no idea where to eat, LOL!

I hope you have a wonderful day in school.

We love you very much.

From,
Tryphena
x

Airport goodbyes

I feel so bad.
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.

Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..

Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.

I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!

Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)

Love you both.
x

The things you find on 9gag LOL

 

 

Dramatic Chicken

Completely made my day :)

I would rather..

..spend my time with a bunch of idiots that I call my best friends than to be in the office, scrolling through Facebook and Twitter, glancing at the clock every 5 minutes and just simply waiting for work to be over.

I barely see all of them together in one go and NONE of them have work like mine.

WORK as in office clothes, 9-5.30PM office hours, limited lunch hours and being a mini-adult work. I honestly hate it especially now.

Most of them are leaving already. It just sucks because it's that thought of this being the last time I'll see all of them together in a long time. I also barely get to see my best friend. It's that phrase of "the last time" that strikes you and then, you can't stay because of FUCKING WORK!

It just sucks.

I just came from after CODing with them and I'm just mad because I was like this just now:

And then, I became this because I can't stay long enough for a game :

Pretty pictures

 

Eventually

 

It'll be okay, eventually.

To love.

When you love so much that it hurts, when you hurt so much but you can't stop loving,
When you love till you only feel pain, when you still love even though pain is the only thing you can feel.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain."

- Jennifer Aniston

"I have found a paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

-Mother Teresa

- Oprah Winfrey

You are not the product of your circumstances. You are a composite of all the things you believe, and all the places you believe you can go. You past does not define you. You can step out of your history and create a new day for yourself. Even if the entire culture is saying, "You can't" Even if every single possible bad thing that can happen to you does. You can keep going forward.

Extracted from http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Gayle-King-Interviews-Oprah-About-the-End-of-The-Oprah-Winfrey-Show/2#ixzz26KeEaJxu

I'm not good with goodbyes, let alone last ones.

My classmates are going off to respective universities this month. I met up with some at a farewell party of one of my friend, Selwyn and turns out more than half of them will be gone by this week.

Personally, I'm happy and excited for them but then, it's bittersweet for me because I don't know when I'll get to see them again. We're not close like tight knit but we're close enough to be very comfortable around each other and to be able to make long conversations.

Highlights of the night:
- Watched Darren play Slenderman. When he turned to go into a corner, we saw slenderman and started to scream. With that, we scared him, I think and he screamed also while flying onto Selwyn's bed. 
- Watched Margaret giving it a try. First time playing too. We didn't know what else to expect and we were shouting at her telling her to run. She was going to get the third note when she turned and SLENDERMAN APPEARED! My God, we screamed our heads off and hell, you can literally see all of our bodies leaning backwards as one, LOL!
- Watched Darren giving it another try. Raymond was teaching him where to go and we are looking for the first note. Then, we found it on the chair and Raymond said to Darren: "After taking the note, run away as fast as you can." Darren looked up at him, paralysed. "You play!" And ran to Selwyn's bed. Raymond is good. He manage to escape Slenderman even though he saw him already. He managed to get about 3 notes? And then, for some reason, he was running to escape the Slenderman who sounds nearby, he ran into a maze-like toilet and yeah, you guessed it, Slenderman was behind him when he turned around, LOL! All of us screamed our heads off and this time, we all flew in all sorts of directions.

We are all that crazy every single time we get together. It's a wonderful thing, actually. We laugh like no one else is looking and we are always so loud. I like it. It's very us. I miss all of them already. It's always fun :)

I'm sorta tired and I have work tomorrow..

Night.

P/S I'm no sure if Slenderman is spelled correctly. Oh, and I'm writing this on my new laptop :3

Not just yet.

- Helen Keller

Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good.

I made a promise to Francine yesterday to never give up hope. I'm not sure what that is but hopefully this will help.

To the guy who taught me how to play a dangerous game called Love

Thank you. Now I know better.

Positive.

I will be that girl that will try to smile even when it hurts. I will be that girl who will keep going even though all hope is lost. I will be that girl that will get back up after spending some time on the ground. I will be that girl that will stay strong no matter what.

Pain. Just pain.

You know the kind of pain that makes you short of breath?

The kind that makes you want to shrivel up and hide from the world. And then, you just want to close your eyes while lying in bed and pretend that everything else is just a dream. You feel this gaping hole in your chest but you don't know what's wrong. You're not upset, you're not sad. No, you're very sure that you're not numb. You feel something but you don't know what's that called.

You'd think falling asleep will make everything go away, at least just for a little while. Then, you realize that you can still feel the pain even in your dreams. You don't give up, you try harder to fall asleep but to no avail, you know that you can't because the pain is consuming you and your brain just refuses to shut up. You end up tossing and turning all night, feeling the emptiness engulf you whole. You know you can't cry because the tears won't come. You wrap your arms around your body, hoping to get a little sense of security. Yeah, it doesn't work.

Then, you take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. You feel your lungs expand and contract. It hurts to breathe. You close your eyes as you breathe. Your eyes burn due to insomnia. Your hearing becomes sharper to sounds that does not seem to be there in the first place. Yeah, insomnia does that to you. All you want to do is just to sit somewhere, breathe and try to get through the day in one piece. The agony of this, you'd do anything to get rid of this.

\

And you just can't make sense of this pain because it's not suppose to be there anymore.

Fact of the day

I get really really cranky, irritated and annoyed when I'm hungry. Fact.

I didn't start the day in a nice way today. And my phone is going to lose all it's data and contacts because my On/Off button wouldn't work and it's procedure for the people fixing my phone to "update" the software. Update as in delete everything.

I mourned and got bitter, LOL.

My dear phone, te amo, mi pequeño,

Sigh.

Just breathe.

Just for once.

I'm always the one who is doing all the fighting. 

I want to be fought for, just for once.

This is what we feel like doing sometimes.

Made my day x

(:

For you.

It's time to try to be over you.

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cause right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cause you walked the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months 
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walking round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Crying over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me of what used to be

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Don't make me think about her smile
Or having my first chold
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Refusal.

http://picklesarestillnotmything.blogspot.com/2011/07/be-my-reason-to-love-again.html

I've written this a year or so ago. Nothing much has changed. I'm still scared. I still refuse to love, at least to let myself love. Getting hurt, no, that's not the part that I'm afraid of. I've loved, still love someone after 8 months of torture and pain. No, that's not it.

I'm afraid that if I love someone, I will never stop loving them, The person above is different, she's my best friend and there will never be a chance of us ever being romantically involved so that kind of love is fine.

The one that I'm talking about is the kind that breaks you into pieces. The kind that makes you stop living and makes you stop wanting to live. The kind that makes your tears fall whenever you see something because everything, EVERYTHING is going to remind you of him. The kind that makes even breathing look like rocket science. The kind that makes you realize that no one else will ever love you ever again.

I've seen enough broken people, seen enough people being broken to know what being broken feels like. I don't know what that kind of broken feels like. I have been broken before, just in very different ways but I guess it's all the same. You feel pain, you feel agony, you feel torture, you feel numb and you just want to die.

We decide how much of a risk we are willing to take. This time, I'm just too tired to risk anything and to brace myself for the pain.

This time, I just refuse to feel.

How many times? Can you count?

How many times have we wondered about the reasons why?
How many times have we pondered about the things that doesn't make sense to us?
How many times have we thought about the "what if's" in life?
How many times have we regretted the things that we said and didn't say, the things that we did and the things that we didn't do?
How many times have we blamed ourselves for the things that didn't go well, the things that should have went well?
How many times have we hated ourselves for the things that we did, said to the ones that we love?
How many times have we tortured ourselves with that thought of wanting happiness for that someone even if it doesn't involve us?
How many times have we cried ourselves to sleep because the pain of breathing is too much, even in times of weariness?
How many times have we stopped ourselves from getting what we want because we are thinking of others?
How many times have we convinced ourselves that we didn't care even when it is all we want to care about?
How many times have we planned to leave but couldn't because we keep looking for more reasons to stay?
How many times have we tried to smile to convince the rest of the world that we're okay?
How many times have we laughed so loudly, not to convince others but ourselves that we are fine?
How many times have we drank so much that we don't remember half of the night, to just forget the pain?
How many times have we had that feeling of never wanting to let go when we hug someone?
How many times have we let ourselves suffer just because we love someone?
How many times have we told ourselves to let someone go when we know they are exactly what we want?
How many times have we looked into someone's eyes and know that we love them with everything that we have?

\

How many times do I have to tell you that I love you, before you actually understand what I mean?

Don't you just hate being the nice one?

1. I say "Hi." to you. Don't give me the nod! If I make an effort to say hi, why is it so hard to say hi back or wave?
2. I try to make a conversation. If you can't even keep a conversation, there is NO hope for us to even be acquaintances.
3. Repeat steps 1 & 2 over numerous occasions. If nothing works out, fine.
4. Repeat step 1 every time I see you for the sake of being polite.
5. Waving and saying hi slowly reduces to smiling.
6. If smiling becomes awkward, you will realize that you don't really care what they thought of you and then you just stop acknowledging their presence. That is until they say hi first this time, LOL.

Happens to everyone of us, right?

:P

Brothers, they grow up too, you know?

I found this on Facebook. I wrote it last year. It's somewhat therapeutic and comforting for me to read this.  It reminds me that no matter how much things have changed, some parts of it will; always be the same.

Dedicated to my brother, Aaron.

His face popped up behind me when I was paying for my extra large tutti-fruity slurpee. I looked back, there was my brother standing behind me in 7-11. He said hi with an enthusiasm that I have known for years while he stood there, drenched in sweat after so many rounds of cycling around the neighborhood.

He has black glossy hair which will point in different directions when it grew out, an impish smile that reflects his inner kid, which acts as a contrast to his now less boyish good looks. He has a strong jawline and a straight nose that makes him enviously photogenic. He is considered short for a 16-year old but is slowly gaining height everyday. Despite the gender and age difference, we have the same eyes and the same wacky personality.

We grew up chasing each other around clothes rack and shelves in department stores, fighting over the longest piece of french fry, singing and jamming to the theme song of "Tom and Jerry kids" on top of a trampoline and constructing a "castle" using our bunk beds and blankets. That was about 8 to 10 years ago. Where did time go?

Now I'm 18 with scrapped knees and elbows that came with consistent bicycle falls and amazing hide-and-seek skills that can be only be perfected with years of practices. And he's almost 16 with the most generous heart, amazing technology information in his brain that is obtained somewhere and a pair of hands that can fix anything that has wires and other stuff that I don't know.But he's still the same boy who wants me to go to the arcade and play with him or do anything with him just so he won't be alone.

I paid for my slurpee while he paid for his RM 10 reload. It then occurred to me that he still had the same mischievous look he has when he was 6. It's nice to know some things don't change or disappear. I got in the car and started the engine. Then, I looked up just in time to see him speeding towards me. In two lightning fast seconds, he swerved with his legs on the ground and did a sharp turn while hitting on the brakes. He finished the stunt with a grace that I rarely see in guys and turned to face me with a smile on his face, looking pleased with himself. For a second, I was stunned and impressed. Cool. And to think that I taught him how to ride a bike about 10 years ago.

With the reload coupon in his mouth, he rode off back home while I drove myself to tuition. We used to ride bikes together. He laughed so hard when I told him I nearly fell into the drain. I used to hide his little plush toy and snickered when he couldn't find it. We used to pretend that we were the Prime Ministers in a parade when we were playing with our bikes and scooters. And somehow, I remember that he used to eat durian when he was younger.

He is different in a way that no one can ever imitate. His love for old songs and funny videos is part of what defines him. The kid in him will always love turtle plush toys and cats. His nerdy side will love anything that processes fast and has the word "beats" on it. The guy in him will forever belong to gross-ness and cars and he might have something against ants and mosquitoes. He loves to pluck the mosquitoes' legs and is now starting to like pinching the ant's butt off its body. Everything about him brings back different, hilarious memories for me and I'm sure for my family too.

As I'm driving, I wondered how different would life be for him and me if I leave for university? I wonder if he would miss me because I know I will miss him, his lame but funny jokes and his retarded and hilarious dances. It'd be weird not to have some one annoying you with songs that you hate and it'd be very quiet without his constant singing in the shower with blasting speakers.

Time flies when you're growing up but he'll always and forever be my little brother no matter how old we both are. So, who says everything has to change?

Cough Syrup

Life's too short to even care at all, oh
I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control
These fishes in the sea, they're staring at me, oh oh
A wet world aches for the beat of the drum
Oh.

If I could find a way to see this straight, 
I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, to come down.

Life's too short to even care at all, oh
I'm coming out now, coming out now out of the blue
These zombies in the park, they're looking for my heart
Oh oh oh oh
A dark world aches for the splash of the sun
Oh

If I could find a way to see this straight, 

I'd run away

To some fortune that I should have found  by now

So I run now to the things they said could restore me

Restore life the way it should be

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

One more spoon of cough syrup now, oh.

Another chapter in life

I got my A level results yesterday and I passed everything!!
You know how some people want to get all A's and they try so hard for it? Yeah, congratulations to them, Most of them get straights A's.
But I'm cool with passes :)
I don't wish to be a doctor, a dentist, professionals or that sort.
Pfft, that is why we have scholars for.
I'm not a scholar or like a brilliant brilliant student.
I just want to live and do something useful with my life.
Sure, saving lives like what doctors do is important but it's just not how I want to live.
Francine said something about making a difference in people's lives.
Yeah, I wanna do something like that,
That's why Oprah Winfrey is like my hero.

She also proved another point to me,
You can do great things even without a guy by your side.
I know most girls have that fantasy of the perfect dress, the perfect guy, the perfect wedding.
You know, it's weird because I never really had that fantasy.
Okay, fine, I can explain.
When I was younger, I hate dresses so no, I can't see myself in a dress then.
Guys, well, I am not the kind with looks that stop traffic.
They say I have personality but then it's all about the looks.
You don't have that, good luck in life.
So yeah, we are friends and there's always no more to it.
I think it's a good thing because I learn how to differentiate from douche bags to idiots
'cause I don't get infatuated enough to be that blind.
Weddings.
When I was younger, it seems like something you would  only see on a show,
the perfect endings I mean.
As we grow older, we see the real stuff going on.
Cheating. Fighting. Abuse. Divorce.
It seemed to me that everything are just made up of empty promises.

Well, that is just my opinion for now.
After all, I'm only 19 and I'm just at the starting line of life.
I don't wish to be tied to this one person when it's time to explore.
I just want to be a girl, at least for a little while.
Long enough for me to know what I want out of this short life.

Oh well, enough ranting.
Back to uni stuff.
Ciao!

Try 

Anxiety.

You don't feel like eating.
You feel like vomiting even when there's nothing in your stomach.
Your head hurts.
You don't feel like doing anything.
Your body is shaking.
You feel like you can't breathe.
You can't sleep or rest.
You can't relax.
Your heart beats like super fast and slow at the same time, like it's even possible.
Your head spins and it throbs.
You can't feel your brain because it's not working.

\

You're just scared, I guess.

I look at you and I'm home.

No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away.
Please? No one has ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you,
I do, look. P . Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do.
It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it.
And-and I look at you, and I... I'm home.
Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't wanna forget.

- Dory