Refusal.

http://picklesarestillnotmything.blogspot.com/2011/07/be-my-reason-to-love-again.html

I've written this a year or so ago. Nothing much has changed. I'm still scared. I still refuse to love, at least to let myself love. Getting hurt, no, that's not the part that I'm afraid of. I've loved, still love someone after 8 months of torture and pain. No, that's not it.

I'm afraid that if I love someone, I will never stop loving them, The person above is different, she's my best friend and there will never be a chance of us ever being romantically involved so that kind of love is fine.

The one that I'm talking about is the kind that breaks you into pieces. The kind that makes you stop living and makes you stop wanting to live. The kind that makes your tears fall whenever you see something because everything, EVERYTHING is going to remind you of him. The kind that makes even breathing look like rocket science. The kind that makes you realize that no one else will ever love you ever again.

I've seen enough broken people, seen enough people being broken to know what being broken feels like. I don't know what that kind of broken feels like. I have been broken before, just in very different ways but I guess it's all the same. You feel pain, you feel agony, you feel torture, you feel numb and you just want to die.

We decide how much of a risk we are willing to take. This time, I'm just too tired to risk anything and to brace myself for the pain.

This time, I just refuse to feel.