I hate you but I love you more.

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't know what to say. Usually, when I blog, it means that I have something to express, to say but recently, I am just keeping to myself, holding my tongue because I know I am capable to using things that hurt people to completely destroy them.

I like that feeling of knowing what to say to make them break. Anger fuels it and rage just makes you feel all powerful, like you could kill them and not feel a thing. Anger is my drive to win. It always has been.

But if you love someone more than you love to win, you'd force yourself to back down because you know very well that you can't take back what you said. So, you bite your tongue till it bleeds and back the fuck down.

I am forcing myself to not overthink, to not care, to not think about the excuses that you gave when you did what you did. I don't have anything else to say but the truth when people ask about it. Inside I hate you so much. I hated you for treating me like I'll understand because you're my best friend, like I don't matter when all I did was trying to prove that you matter to me. Oh, the irony.

Sometimes I laugh at myself, why do I  care? Oh yeah, because I fell in love with you. And that just complicates everything else, doesn't it? Different? I have to sit back and watch you fall in love with someone else. Explain to me how do people stay the same after that.I love you more than I hate you. I'd rather hurt than to lose you. Am I stupid or what? I don't expect you to love me back. I just expect you to treat me like I matter. If I don't, just pretend or tell me to disappear.

This will be the first and last time that I'll admit this or at least make this obvious for you. And I'm sorry for screaming at you.

I love you but I hate you.
I hate you for making me fight for you, be there for you, and then turn around to tell me that you cannot cope with my shit, whatever that means because when I'm with you, your shit is all I deal with.
I hate you for not seeing what you're doing to me and making me feel like a selfish bitch when I try to tell you what I feel.
I hate you for making me feel like the most important person in the world when you said you had no one and ignore me like I don't exist when everything with you is alright.
I hate you for breaking me on my own birthday and for making me love you anyway. 
I hate you for making plans with me and me knowing that if something better came up, you'd dump me.
I hate you for knowing that I'll be there and you taking full advantage of it just because you say you have "no one".
I hate you for having this ability to completely destroy and restore me, both at the same time.
I hate you for having this effect on me, for making me stay even when I know I'll die trying to make you mine in some ways.
I hate you for making me believe your promises, only to be disappointed and to find out that I don't matter.
I hate you for making me love you so much that I can't hate you.
I hate you because I can only see myself happy with you, and no one else.
I hate you because you changed me and now I can't change back.

I counted the number of times you smiled at me and I die on days that you didn't. -Santana

I love you so much. Sometimes, I wish that I don't.