Inevitable, change.

December, being the last month of the year, almost has the same meaning as change.

During this time, most of the people will see if they completed all of their resolutions made in the beginning of the year and then, they would make new ones. Things that they would like to change, the character traits of themselves that they would like to change. This month, is all about change.

Students getting ready for a new year, buying new uniforms, new bags, new stationary. They promise themselves that they would work harder the next year, that they would change to be better. Working adults promising themselves to work harder to get a promotion and spouses promising themselves to be better husbands or wives to their significant other. And kids, they promise their parents to be better kids, to be obedient and all. Change. Everything is change.

You know what it means to me? December?

It means everyone leaving. I'm leaving my home to go to uni. My best friend is not going to be around so often. I will be in a new environment and I have to deal with people and things that are completely new, foreign to me. It means everything is going to change, it's going to be different.

I am not good with change. I despise change. I wouldn't want it if I had a choice but I don't.

I run away from change. I don't adapt well to change. Oh, save your lecture about how I need to and I have no choice, of course I know that. That doesn't mean that I deal with it well. In fact, I am pretty much a mess now, trying to deal with it.

I hate goodbyes because it brings change. I am honestly terrified and scared about uni because I have no idea what to expect from it. I am content with the way things are right now. I call Francine, she picks up. We chat and then makes plans together. Going away means all these that I have right now, is also going to go away.

I am not ready for all of these but then again, who is?

I refuse to change but then, I have to because there's no way I can afford it.

I hung out with Francine today. It's like our last time to hang out because she's off to KL tomorrow and then back again on Wednesday only to go off again to US on Friday. After that, I won't be seeing her till next year, mid January. That is for the Swedish House Mafia Concert and then, I have no absolutely fucking idea when I'll see her again.

I am scared. Not only cause of the change, also cause of the not knowing when I'll see you again. I cannot deal with the fact that the last day I'll see her is like on the day of the concert and then, BAM!, something bad happens. I can't deal with this.

When it was time to go, we hugged. 
I felt her arms loosen. I remember saying while refusing to let go, "I don't want to let go." 
I hear her laugh, she hugged me once again, with a plastic bag of cereal and toothpaste in one hand. 
Gently, she said, "But you have to."
We both let go at the same time as I looked at her and whispered, "I know.."
We said our last take cares and you toos and then, going our separate ways.

Our friendship, for me, is different because we have these small movie-like moments where the shortest sentences, the smallest gestures mean so much more. It's that part of the movie where the rawness of emotion and simplicity of words and actions makes the whole scene so undeniably real and then, you believe it. We have those moments. And it's those moments that help me through the hard times when I can't talk to her.

I was crying like hell when I was describing that scene above because it's something like the last hang out or something. I am indeed grateful for her, Despite our little squabbles and swearing at each other during our huge fights, I would not take back anything that happened from the moment I met this girl. It's because I knew her, I have been changed for good.

I am sorry for being sentimental but yeah, I am scared of the things that I cannot predict.

So the posts this month might be about how I am dealing with everything.