avoiding.

I've been trying to not die everyday. It's probably the worst thing for anyone to ever feel. It's not easy, trying to find a reason to not jump off a cliff or to just not press harder when a razor touches your skin. You literally hear your heartbeats and you can't help, but wish that it was numbered. It's not hard to hide this throbbing pain in your chest. Only you feel it. No one else can see it, I guess that's the part that sucks.

I know I act happy, laughing and all with other people. I'm not sure why but it's just my natural reaction to people. I mean, I don't even need to fake it, all the lies of how I am feeling just pour out. I know Francine heard it in my voice. She asked if I was okay because I sound upset. She heard it in less than 30 seconds. it's not a mask, I know I'm not putting on any because I don't even pretend to be happy. It's just.. there.

I've been mad and angry at everything recently. It's like my brain refuses to register any emotion other than anger. It's not healthy because it gives me headaches. I just feel hatred for everyone and everything that breathes. I know that being angry numbs everything else. Numb is good. At least numb allows me to function. That is until I broke down a few days ago and everything that I refused to feel for the past three weeks came flooding back and I couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating.

You know what's the worst part of all these? You can't do anything about this. You can only feel everything and try very hard to tell yourself that it's not real or that it's ending soon, even though you know it very well that you're just lying to yourself.

I've written notes and things before just in case but come to think of it, I really shouldn't. If anything does happen, they'll have to remember me by what they want to remember me by in the first place. If they really didn't care, a note about them won't make them start caring.

I felt broken when I started writing this post but right now, numbness again. I guess it's a good thing because I think I was this close to having another meltdown.

And then, there is you. The only one who can make me feel better when I feel utterly hopeless and the only one who can take away all the hope that I will ever get to feel.

Trying not to love you, only goes so far. 
Trying not to need you, it's tearing me apart. 
I see the silver lining, down here on the floor
I just keep on trying but I don't know what for.
'cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.

\

I love you to the moon and back, I'd go further if you asked me to.