I got a job and i'm scared.

I got a job.

It was a random email that got me a proper job. I think it was last Wednesday I got an email saying that the guy named Suresh saw my job resume on the job search websites and he thinks I am suitable for this job post that he also elaborated. I had given up on jobs and was already planning that I'll be here till Christmas and thought like what the heck, why not? So, I sent in my resume, in which I got a reply the following day. He said he had sent my resume to the company that is their client and he called me the next day, I think, asking me if I really wanted the job. I said yes, and he arranged a phone interview that was supposed to be today. There was a misunderstanding which resulted in the people calling me 3 hours for an interview that I wasn't prepared for.

I supposed I did well because they wanted me. I wanted to doubt that I wasn't good enough because it was just mind-blowing how fast everything is. I was stammering throughout the interview because I was taken by surprise. I could have done so much better than that interview but it obviously don't matter now.

I start my job on the 26th of September, a Monday. I will get the details of when and where next week. I am leaving on the 21st to get myself ready. I got a place in Subang Jaya. Nice area that is walking distance to an LRT. I don't mind traveling a bit and not being too comfortable because I think I need to be reminded that I am working towards something better. Somehow I believe I need to be reminded of it and be forced to get home on days when I need to just walk it out if it makes sense.

27th is her birthday. She's turning 26. I gave her a handwritten book of the poems that I wrote about her last year. I would have gotten her something this year too but I don't think she wants to have anything to with me now. Funny how someone just stops loving you one day and they decide, then and there, that you no longer matter. I've somehow managed to accept that now. The whole relationship is already feeling like it was a dream, a very happy dream, I don't remember how her voice sounds like, I don't remember how she feels in my arms. I don't remember what she smells like or what her lips taste like. I've started to believe that I have made her up in my head and that she wasn't real. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was all in my head. I may have gone crazy for absolutely nothing. Maybe she never existed. Maybe I really have gone crazy and she wasn't real.

I'm still scared. Who knows, maybe I'm not good enough to have this job. What if the guy that hired me realized I was nothing like the girl in the resume that he read? What if they realize they've made a mistake they're like "I want a refund on this fraud"? Maybe I just can't have nice things.

Maybe that's it.