A little bit better.

It was one of the better days today.
Things went well.
I did my radio show for one of my classes,
the prank call went well.
I was laughing so hard and
I didn't have to pretend any bit of it.
I laughed till my stomach hurt,
it was a good feeling.
I was sad that it was over
because it has been a while since
I felt anything else.

I went to lunch with one of my favorite people here
She made me laugh
and I was really happy to talk to her.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone else.
I refuse to leave my room
because it required effort,
effort to get up and face people.
The only person that I want to talk to
at least sit in silence with
is not here.
I feel like crying but
I can't cry because
I think that I just feel lonely instead of sad

Well, I like being with her, talking
making jokes and smiling.
At least I feel like I have to be when I'm
around her
It is good for me because
I don't know how long I can go on without smiling
or feeling something without faking it too much
At least I hope I'm not faking when I'm with her
because it'll make her sad and
I really don't want to see her sad

When I came home, I felt peace
Like I'm back to the solitude confinement
that I'm putting myself in
And I'm back in control of my own emotions.
I suppose that is a good thing.
I know something is wrong with me
but I just can't say what.
I just know that I cannot afford to disappear
no matter how much I want to
and I still do, even in this very moment
I wish to disappear like smoke into the atmosphere
One puff and I'm gone

I feel it, that depression eating me again
It's feeding on my emotions, even right now
I feel my energy draining away
like I'm slowly out of laughs and smiles
I am almost too tired to do anything
too tired to care
too tired to feel, numb, I think
I am supposed to be doing an assignment but
I feel like my body is going to explode
if I don't write.

If I do explode, it will be an explosion of emotions,
of everything that I cannot feel right now.
And when I do feel it,
All I feel is pain.

At least right now, being numb,
I can focus more on reality and maybe
push everything away, whatever it is.
Maybe I'll let it explode
whenever I can afford to shut off the world.

Or maybe, I'll just breath slower
and hide under my blankets.