On being alone

It's weird though. It's like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to fit in or belong anywhere. Take today as an example, it was sports' carnival and of course, you go on the bus and do everything as a group and without fail, I always seem to be the odd one that has to sit with a stranger. It's not like I mind, it's just it's be nice, you know, to sit with a friend.

And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.

I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.

I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.

I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.

I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.

I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.

Oh well. Till next time.