I cannot see someone being in love with me. I mean, how could they? I'm all fats and stretch marks, frizzy hair and big arms. If they give ratings for puberty, I would say puberty gets a 3, only because it gave me boobs. I grew up thinking that I didn't need love. I grew up thinking that love is equivalent to pain and that to love is to be in pain.
Then, I learn that love is gentle and soft but what would they say when they reach out to stroke my arm? What would they look like when they realized that all they can feel beneath their fingertips are never ending bumps? I cannot see them hugging me tighter or holding me closer when I cry.
I cannot see anyone missing me so much that they cry. I cannot see anyone crying and asking me not to leave. I have never felt wanted or needed. I don't understand why anyone would want me or need me. There are better people around, so yeah, I get it. I was always second, always.
Slowly, you just get used to it. You get thankful when someone remembers your name. You thanked people when they pay a little attention to you and you'd say to yourself, "At least someone noticed me this time." The saddest thing about this is that when someone is genuinely nice to you, you have no idea how to react to it.
Simply, I believe that I am not supposed to be loved or to ever feel love because when I feel it, all it brings is pain. I'd rather be without it.
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