Another level of nothingness.

I am currently starving.

I know what you people, who are reading, going to say, GO GET FOOD!

For someone who likes, LOVES food, I am quite often hungry because I am too lazy to get food.

I don't think it's only food. It's everything. I refuse to do anything these days. I would just want to stare at something till it's time to sleep. It's pretty much like what happened 5 years ago but at least, I was able to finish my homework or at least be useful before zoning out.

Just like the book, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie experiences that feeling of knowing that it's bad again. That feeling of not knowing how to stop "that". You know that you're spiraling back to that place and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's not hallucinating. It's not the hearing voices. It's just that something that is slowly clouding your life. I don't know if it's worse or anything but I know I will be in a bad place like last time, only this time, I can't afford to be broken.

I am hoping, genuinely hoping that I will be okay because I have no one right now. I tried calling you but you didn't pick up both times. For the third time, I pressed "End" before it started to ring. I am not sure if I was afraid that you wouldn't pick up or I was right about you not picking up. I know you're probably busy and you might not be able to answer the phone but I am selfishly hoping that you would call back even though I know you won't. I know I shouldn't expect so much of people but I am willingly to do that much that I am asking of people. I am sure you know that because I have never stopped proving that to you.

I feel nothing. This time, it's weird. It's like my body is numb and my heart has stopped beating. Everything was suppose to hurt with every beating pulse but it doesn't. I am not sure if it's a good thing but I assume that it's not. I don't know how bad everything is because I can't seem to feel anything right now, except an occasional shiver. I hope you call back or leave me a message, I really do. I need to talk to you or at least pretend that you're close. I know I shouldn't expect anything from you after everything but I still hope that I may be proven wrong.

For now, I need to be okay. There is no way out for this because I have no idea how. I know things will be complicated especially when I panic when it starts again. If I do end up trying to end this, I don't know how far I'll be willing to push my own limits.