From Friend Requests and Obligations

It started off with a friend request, or rather an obligation to someone who was important to us. Neither one of us wanted or needed this friendship. Again, obligation fueled the conversations and replies. I remember my introduction went along the lines of mentioning my dislike for peas. She replied very quickly and I wasn't expecting that. Small talk became even smaller and naturally the conversation ended.

The next time I started talking to her, it felt like a well oiled engine being put to work again. Replies were falling in place and I believe this is when the friendship really began. We met for the first time when I went to visit her. She was smaller than I imagined, kinder with a much bigger heart than what she gives herself credit for. I remember the experience to be surreal and I had a small moment of depersonalization because she didn't feel real - none of it felt real.

I couldn't write about her more than I would like to. I am a visual person. I notice the creases on people's face when they laugh, the vein bulging out when they are stressed, the way their eyes light up when they are surprised or happy. I don't remember the details of how her expression looks like. However, I'd recognize her voice anywhere.

I didn't think it was possible to care someone you have not met. I didn't believe simply trusting someone was good enough to build a proper friendship even when you have not met them. I was wrong. I learn to build a safe house, a bomb shelter with the thousands and thousands of messages and voice clips we have exchanged. I memorized her laughter, her groans and sometimes, her nothings. I have seen her hesitation, confusion, worry and joy hidden behind in ellipses, commas and exclamation marks. I have interpreted internal conflicts and contradicting paradoxes in different wavelengths. Sometimes I see her pain and her desperation to make sense of the circumstances of her life in between sentences of rage and anguish.

In a sea of inside jokes and harmless flirting, there is a mutual understanding and respect. It is the tone of the entire relationship. There is also a love that I did not expect to develop. It is behind every cracked hello when the other is crying, every "why are you so far away" and every "you bitch". I didn't expect the joy that came with talking to her even though most of the conversations start with her being sleepy. 

It is hard to find friends who consistently care about you during all of the times. She is Patience herself when it came to dealing my inability to think rationally when it came to Cassandra, even when it was (unconsciously on my side) at her expense. She is Peace when I was crippled in bed, sobbing and in pain. She is Hope when taking my own life seemed like the better option. I have done nothing to deserve of all these. There's a quote by Graham Greene that says,

"It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love."

I have so much love for this human being. It is puzzling to feel something as overwhelming as this, especially when it's not romantic but I do. There is a joy that I can't explain when I think of her company. I am entirely grateful for her and I can't wait to see her again in a month.