Greatest achievement of the day.

My greatest achievement of the day is getting out of bed.

Depression has found its way back to me again. I woke up feeling the full weight of it. As what someone once said, "How can emptiness feel so heavy?" Exactly. Waking up has never been so numbing and painful, at least it hasn't been like that in a while. It was nice while it lasted.

I just wanted to stay in bed. I want to go back to daydreaming my fantasies of when things were good, when I can finally be happy, when someone finally loved me. One person can fuck you up, bad. Even if they, THEY, don't matter to you anymore, you still feel the pain, without them. I thought that I won't feel it when I'm over them. No, still woke up with the familiar but sad realization that I'm still alive.

I forced myself to get out of bed, to go to Muay Thai class. Even when I was halfway walking there, everything in my body was screaming at me to turn back and go back to bed. Weirdly, I still went and I managed to put on that mask.

After three weeks of leaving, I realized that I have not given myself the time to settle down or to feel. I don't feel. I haven't been feeling or I feel like I have been ignoring everything I want to feel. I am just numb.