To 13 and a half year old Tryphena
I wish I could give you a hug. I know this was the year you felt the loneliest. I know this was the year that that accidental cut on your arm lead you down the road of an addiction that you still have. If I rolled up my sleeves now, you'd think I'm the coolest still.
Things are different now, very different. You won't believe how much things are different when you compare it to a year ago. A year ago, I was crying my broken heart out over my first love. The year before that, I never knew what love was but I was the healthiest, mentally, around that time. Then, a little after that, I met her. And then, the year before that, I was trying to recover from another pain. You suffered for quite a while from aged 19-22.
The painful things have not happened to you yet. Somehow in another dimension, you were the one before the storm. I'd change a few things for you if I could meet you. You were just lonely. You needed someone, that's all. You turned out alive after 10 years of pain. There were a lot of good times too but I'd say it was hardly worth the pain. It's better than nothing.
At 14, you are so clueless about everything because you did not understand the world. You just found out about pop and rock music. You tried so hard to develop passion for music and other things. You'll discover something else later. You'll learn to love writing. Then, at 22, you'll dedicate a hand written book to her. Yes, her. You'll go through that stage a little later. You'll fall in love with the wrong person before you meet her. This wrong person will be the reason for your pain from 19 years old onwards. But you'll learn, oh, you'll learn. She will be your greatest lesson of all because this is when you will start letting people love you when you cannot love yourself. I wish you knew this because it would have helped you so much when you think about your goodbye letters.
At 15, you'll go through your first major heartbreak by your friend. You'll forgive her. She'll apologize but baby, you will hurt. I have no ways of making this any better. It will be your first experience with depression. I'm so sorry for becoming a shell of you. You will cry and then, stop crying for a very long time. You'll meet another girl who you'll be fond of. You will love her and try to help her.
Everything that happened till you're 17 is nothing game changing. You'll come in and out of our impending depression but you'll survive. You'll get your first boyfriend but he wasn't any important. You'll learn to be very wary of guys from then on. When you're 18, your best friend from high school will make you betrayed and this will make you change how you feel about her as a person. Everything with her will change from then onwards. None of it will change back.
However, you'll meet this girl in pre-U. She'll be the main point of your life. She'll teach you how to love yourself. She'll teach you how to wear make up and that it's not bad to want to look pretty. She'll be so important to you. She will teach you so much on how to be a girl. You will love her and accidentally fall in love with her. You then handed her on a silver platter to the guy that was undeserving of her. This is where you will deny what you felt and keep it buried for so long. I am so sorry but this will be the most painful period of your life. She will leave you. You won't blame her when you're me. I wasn't the best person to be around when I was friends with her. We both had faults. We don't talk now but she still hasn't deleted me off Facebook. I guess we were really friends last time. You will never stop loving her because you cared.
With that painful period, comes the time when you find out who is really there for you. You find these people unexpectedly. They will become so important to you. They will love you so much and in those times, you will learn to let them. You will learn that you deserved to be loved. Again, most importantly, baby girl, you will let them.
At 21, you will learn acceptance. You will learn to be okay with yourself. It will be one of the most important lessons you will teach yourself. You'll learn how to be okay with yourself, how to love yourself. You will be kind to yourself, be aware of you. You will grow. Oh, I am so proud of you even now. You will grow so strong. Baby, you will be so strong because you will need it later. I am so sorry.
You will meet her a few months before you turn 22. She will open up to you. She will care about you. You will smile while you're on the phone with her. You will have your life turned up side down and you'll be so happy. You'll be so happy for her. You'll find so many poems that I have written about her. You will fall in love with her and you will love her so much. She will be your first in so many things. She will make love songs make sense. She will make elopement seem like a good idea. You will love her and love her and love her even though many who love you will think she does not deserve it. You will love her regardless. The book will be for her. So much will be for her.
Last year was bad though. It was over between us. No, it wasn't our faults. Our parents will never agree to it so it done under a mutual understanding. I still think it was the worst way to end something. It's hard to move on like that but you will. I still miss her from day to day but the pain does go away. However, in our case, our normal pain from depression and loneliness just comes back and we go back to that pain instead. You will cry for her. You will cry rivers and rivers of tears. Your life will stop because you were in so much pain. Remember when I say that you need to be strong? This is the time when you need it. You will fight so much, so much to get her back. She'll go back on her promises and you'll be angry but you'll understand. You will love her. After all, you wrote a marriage proposal for her. She will never see it but it's alright. You love that much.
Things do turn out okay. You have a proper job now. You earn your own money and pay for everything on your own. Be proud of me. You will go through so much pain, so so much pain. I don't believe it's worth it. I won't lie to you about that. The pain is horrible but you are very strong. I know you don't have a choice but you will be okay. You will not hate yourself, you will be okay at gaining weight. You will have so many people who care about you. You will have so many of them. You will love them and they will love you back,
You will dye your hair. You will play Skyrim. You will travel to go visit your friends. You will miss your family. You will fight.
Please hold on. Please fight. Please be strong. I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much.
Love
23 and a half year old Tryphena
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