Day 10 of 30 challenge: What do you dislike the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)

Physically, easy. Would you like a list?

Okay, fine. The thing I dislike the most about myself physically is my stomach. It's big and it's like no matter what I do, it is still that big. I look 2 months pregnant even though I am not. It's sad but I have come to accept it and understand that I will never those girls on the billboard ads. It's a reminder that this is what I'll always be and I have to accept it. I don't mind much now but I still dislike it.

Emotionally, I hate the fact that I am never able to stop myself from loving someone, like I am very loyal. I will love you and full stop. Wow, that's sad. I have loved the same guy for the last 7 years and I never stopped. I loved my best friend since I met her. I still love her now even though we don't really talk anymore and I am no longer a necessity in her life. I never stop loving people even though I have to. As you can see from now, it brings back a lot of pain and memories that I don't want to remember.

Emotions - 1
Tryphena - 0

Well, this has been a pleasant post.

Have a nice day, everyone

how is it that one is able to feel the same pain, over and over again, until a point where numbness also becomes a pain?

How does it not end?

People encounters: Guy with the "gay" side in books

He is a friend of a friend. Jock with the body to prove it. He is all snapback caps, varsity jackets, hoodies and converse shoes. He is about my height, which isn't really tall but he was nice and polite which makes up for that. He would crack jokes that everyone gets and laugh at your jokes even if it sucked. For someone that is considered good looking, he is really really nice and that is rare.

We went to a bookstore to wait for a few friends who were going to join us. I expected it to be weird to hang out with him and these bunch of people because I wasn't close with any of them. I know them and they know me but that was it. I expect a lot of awkwardness, especially with him because I am here with him , alone.

We carpooled to come here, the driver left. I am bad with small talk, I run out of things to ask. I essentially end up asking when their birthday is. It really weird. He made it easy. I have always thought that people hated me and they have better things to do, better people to see. It was weird to see him enjoying my company.

We walked from bookstore to bookstore, gossiping about one of our classmates on the way to the other. He was surprisingly honest and sincere about his emotions. He is the first guy ever to tell me that he felt hurt after an incident. We connected. I showed him my favorite book on the bookstore's computer and now I am going to lend it to him on Monday. He showed me his favorite kind of books.

"I'm a little gay when it comes to books", he said.

I told him it's okay, it's nice to see people's sensitive side. I also said that I like seeing guys who read, it tells you a lot about them. They have more patience ans they listen more and are more accepting of what is not of their own. His book choices are very much influenced by his mother. I am surprised at how open he is, especially about emotions. Again, according to the books that he reads, I can almost picture that side of him that is not displayed for the public.

It was a nice afternoon. I feel like myself when I hang out with him. It was easy, something that I have't felt in a while.

Day 9 of 30 challenge: What do you like the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)

Physically, I like my calves, my collarbones and my eyes.

My calves and my shoulders are what makes me look less fat. My calves are very very firm and muscular, it's not big but it's very toned due to 11 years of ballet and now, Muay Thai. I look good in skinny jeans because of my calves.

My collarbones because they are noticeable. I have always been a very big kid after hitting puberty. I was too skinny growing up and now everyone says that I am too fat. It's very frustrating because people, make up your minds. They compliment my shoulders, making me look like an athlete when I am not.

My eyes are nice, I guess. I like them because I not only have double eyelids, mine is like three and four layers. ON BOTH EYES. I don't have to put a lot of make up, just a little eyeliner and mascara and I am good to go which is nice. I have covered my mouth and everything in the mirror, leaving only my eyes and played with it. I changed emotions and everything and it's super cool to watch yourself transform even if it's only your eyes. I understand why acting is hard. To convey the right emotion, you need to be able to communicate with your eyes.

Emotionally, I know this is going to sound weird but I like that feeling of slight hope that I feel when I get really really depressed.

Wait wait, let me explain.

Depression happens to me very very often. It sucks and I cannot tell you to what extend of suck-ness it can be unless you have experienced it yourself. It's so bad that I couldn't, yes, COULDN'T do my dishes or my laundry or get out of bed properly without wanting to die.

It's horrible. And then, there's this little voice in my head that tells me, "Breathe, one minute at a time. Come on, get up, love." That's hope. It helps me stop crying. It keeps me alive. It makes me understand that I will be okay.

And again, unless you've been through depression, you will not understand how much a little hope can help a person when you feel like there is absolutely nothing to live for in this world

Day 8 of 30 challenge: Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

Yes. I have had my heart broken before. Twice, I think if it was meant in the common, relationship way. Once was by a guy and once by a girl. They are both still in my life and as this is a public blog. I will not get too into it.

The guy, he broke my heart when he said, I can't do this anymore. I was at Starbucks outside with one of my best friends and I remember crying. I still remember the date. Wow. 28th of May, 2012. City Mall Starbucks. I cried. This was the first time that I have ever cried for a guy. I continued crying for the next few days. One of the nights was so bad that I just called my best friend and sobbed. She listened and I guess it sucked for her because she didn't know what to do or say.

The girl. Wow. I fell so hard for her. I memorized her like I would my favorite poem. I fell for HER and I loved her. I guess at some point, it was a mutual thing but.. That's just that, a "but". Took me two years to get over it and somehow I am still trying to get over it. There are days where she still crosses my mind but that part of my life is over. I still love her, I still have her memorized. I still stay up thinking about how she is. I still think about calling her. I still want to make her smile. I still think she's beautiful.

Have I ever broken a heart? I think it was my ex-boyfriend's. No, it's not the guy above. This is a different guy. I bet he wished that he never dated me. I was such an asshole.

Day 7 of 30 Challenge: What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?

My name is Tryphena Chin Xiao Huey.

Tryphena is a name from the Bible. It can found in the book Roman 16:12. It's under the greetings part of the book. It means the woman of God. I don't know why my parents gave me this name though. It's cool, I guess. Like it's a Roman name and all. I really should ask my parents.

Chin (陈), it's my surname. I can't choose that obviously but it means umm, a chin? You know, that bottom part of your face?

Xiao (筱) means dwarf bamboo HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am neither dwarf-like nor bamboo-shaped. I am considered quite tall and umm, build.

Huey, pronounced as "hui" (卉) means plants. I HATE PLANTS. I almost killed a cactus once and my best friend will never let me forget about it.

Well, my Chinese name basically is very plant-related. So, not me but I don't mind having my name. It's my name.

Day 6 of 30 Challenge: What is your phobia/fear?

I have a phobia of snakes.

I am not even kidding.

I HATE snakes. The sight of it makes my skin crawl. Oh god, now I'm thinking about snakes.

I cannot stand the way it moves, SLITHERS! OMG, WHAT LIVING THING DOES THAT? OH MY FUCKING GOD!

If there is a snake in my room , I am leaving the area. I don't care if my room is locked by then. I AM RUNNING FROM THAT FUCKING BUILDING.

I went to an aquarium last year when my parents and my little brother came over to KL. I am not sure why there is a reptile section but they do. As expected, there will be spiders and snakes and what not.

Even the small snakes creep me out, yes, they are pretty but no. NO.

When it came to the python, I ran. YES, IT WAS BEHIND A GLASS. YES, IT'S ASLEEP. I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF IT'S NOT GOING TO EAT ME. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FUCKING HUGE IT IS? IT IS THREE TIMES MY HEIGHT EASY! ADIOS MUCHACHOS. IF THAT THING BREAKS OUT, I'LL BE DAMN SURE THAT IT EATS YOU FIRST.

Ugh. snakes.

List of things I should have known by now: March 2014

1. Laundry really only takes a while to do, I shouldn't procrastinate. AT ALL.
2. Dishes, really. It's the same concept as laundry.
3. Changing your bed sheets make your bed feel more comfy.
4. It's okay to feel betrayed, just reason with yourself why you shouldn't feel it for long.
5. It's okay to be lonely, you'll learn to appreciate company of all different forms.
6. When you're hungry, just eat.
7. It's okay to indulge a little, you'll feel better.
8. Pain goes away. Eventually.
9. You'll never stop caring, or loving.
10. It's okay to have bad days.
11. Some stains really don't come off clothings.
12. Sadness comes with bad days but it's temporary, even if it doesn't seem so.
13. If it hurts, don't do it again.
14. Always be desperate enough to find hope.
15. Writing always helps.
16. You are your best friend.
17. It's okay to forgive.
18. Hurting is not how you want to live.
19. Being able to breathe is not a bad thing.
20. Pain goes away. Eventually

I dream that I killed you.

I dream that I killed you. It was swift, adrenaline driven and surprisingly satisfying. The thing I remembered about this was that I was so angry, so hurt and all I want to do is kill. Rage does things to you in case you didn't know.

I remember turning to face you and obviously my face displayed rage as my eyes shot daggers. You turned and started running. The sensation of running after you was weird, floaty but aggressive at the same time. I ran faster while you ran like a slug. I caught the side of your sleeve and somehow I teared off your whole shirt. I caught you in a headlock. You struggled very feebly. It's funny to see how your efforts are not and will not be helping you. I squeezed, closing off your airways and watched you gasp for air like a fish out of water. I enjoy the feel of slowly draining the life out of you but it's not horrible enough, I feel.

You turned purple. You gave up and you knew that you were gonna die. And at that point, there is no fun in this anymore. There is no satisfaction in killing someone who wants to die. So, I let go.

You breathing, wow, I really did not want that. You choked and coughed, you look absolutely terrified but grateful. You turned to look at me, your eyes gave you away. You wanted to know why I didn't kill you, why I changed my mind.

"You see, my dear," I cooed,

"The mind can be persuaded while the heart might be a completely different thing. I believe some people deserve a second chance," I said as I cupped my hands around your face.

"But you don't." And I snapped your neck.

You laid lifeless on the ground, Your face forever frozen in that state or horror and shock. I nudged your foot, yep, dead.

I dream that I killed him and it was the most satisfying feeling I have ever had.