Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
If I could do anything for you, anything, you know I would do it.
When your heart breaks, so does mine.
When your tears fall, so does mine.
This pain that I've witnessed, this is far too much.
Dear God, how much longer will life torment her?
How much more do you think she can take?
She's barely a woman but yet, her life is harder than most.
Is this suppose to help her?
Or was it destinied to break her down?
Dear God, this is not fair.
Why is she the only one suffereing from this?
Why does she have to hide this pin?
isn't this wrong?
Dear God, where are you?
When your tears fall, so does mine.
This pain that I've witnessed, this is far too much.
Dear God, how much longer will life torment her?
How much more do you think she can take?
She's barely a woman but yet, her life is harder than most.
Is this suppose to help her?
Or was it destinied to break her down?
Dear God, this is not fair.
Why is she the only one suffereing from this?
Why does she have to hide this pin?
isn't this wrong?
Dear God, where are you?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Count on me like 1, 2, 3.
For Francine.
If you're tired, sleep.
If you're fine, keep going.
If you still feel strong, run.
If you're out of breath, breath.
If you feel weak, rest.
If you feel like breaking down, cry.
If you feel happy, laugh.
If you are staying strong, smile.
If you feel numb, pray.
If you're lost, call me.
If you need security, hug someone.
If you feel sad, cry.
If you feel empty, pray and call me.
If you need me, call me and I'll be there.
Always here for you.
Love you.
<3
If you're tired, sleep.
If you're fine, keep going.
If you still feel strong, run.
If you're out of breath, breath.
If you feel weak, rest.
If you feel like breaking down, cry.
If you feel happy, laugh.
If you are staying strong, smile.
If you feel numb, pray.
If you're lost, call me.
If you need security, hug someone.
If you feel sad, cry.
If you feel empty, pray and call me.
If you need me, call me and I'll be there.
Always here for you.
Love you.
<3
Saturday, October 22, 2011
If only I had you back then, would I still make the same mistake?
This one is for Andrew Vun.
Andrew, may the dear Lord bless you.
We got closer over the past few months
Not sure when but it might be a month or two.
So there we were, same boss, same course and all
So here I sit wondering for so long,
Why was it that we never mingle, or at least said hi?
Were we that oblivious to the existance of each other
Or just simply shy?
Now, here we are.
It's October at the moment,
Exams, secret outings,
We will remember all of these when we're aged and wrinkly.
It'd be nice to tell our grandkids these stories,
About a girl and two guys screaming in the car of a maniac driver
Boy, Andrew,
They will laugh with disbelief and say,
Grandpa, you screamed?
I guess it's safe to say you are one of my best friends now.
It's a blessing and I'm not kidding.
You're like the big brother I never had.
Yes, I know you're younger but you act older that your age.
I'll let you in on something,
Even though I am sure everyone else who reads this will know this.
For the first time in my life,
I actually felt protected in a way,
Safe, so to speak.
Andrew, you know my story and everything else.
I lost hope and you know it.
Remember what you said?
The beating-him-up-even-though-you're-just-saying thing?
Thank you for not asking why I let it happen.
Your hugs, they actually comfort me.
You make me feel,
Safe.
You're like a big brother even though you're not.
I let my guard down even though I know I'm not suppose to.
Because for once, I believe that you won't hurt me.
So, to my unrelated brother,
Let it be older or younger.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Take risks, have fun.
Be crazy, be loud.
You're young, there are no restrictions.
Fall in love, fall out of love.
Do new things, prefect old skills.
Build a bridge, dig a hole.
Plant a tree, look for firewood.
Study till you die, die because you woke up.
Sing out loud, dance your heart out.
Take what's free and buy what's not.
Ignore trends and start your own.
Don't follow the crowd, define cool by your own standards.
Admit when you're wrong, rejoice when you're right.
Learn that nothing is perfect and perfection is achieved through mistakes.
Remember who you are and no one can change that.
Learn to surf when there are waves, climb higher when it floods.
Rise above the odds when everything is against you.
Remember to trust God always, for He never leaves you.
Believe in love, be strong in your faith.
Always hope because miracles can happen.
Listen not to gossipers but welcome the company of the wise.
Remember how to differentiate black and white, for the times are turning grey now.
Never doubt your instincts because God put it there to guide you.
Your heart may be decieved, trust God when you don't know where to turn.
Take a break when you need one, pushing yourself might differ results.
Treat people the way you wanted to be treated, this, I'm sure you're doing really well.
Smile, laugh, cry, get mad, every emotion, to be explored in this short life.
Live it well because I'm sure you won't get another.
Ignore insults from people who don't know you, they don't define you.
Everything else in life is planned out by God, so go with God's flow even when times are hard.
I hope she's sees everything I see in you and maybe more of it.
You're an amazing guy, remember that.
A good brother and a good friend.
You know I love you dearly, so don't forget me because I know you don't dare to.
One day, if I ever get to walk down the aisle,
You know you better be there because afterall, you're my big but younger brother, in so many ways.
Andrew, may the dear Lord bless you.
We got closer over the past few months
Not sure when but it might be a month or two.
So there we were, same boss, same course and all
So here I sit wondering for so long,
Why was it that we never mingle, or at least said hi?
Were we that oblivious to the existance of each other
Or just simply shy?
Now, here we are.
It's October at the moment,
Exams, secret outings,
We will remember all of these when we're aged and wrinkly.
It'd be nice to tell our grandkids these stories,
About a girl and two guys screaming in the car of a maniac driver
Boy, Andrew,
They will laugh with disbelief and say,
Grandpa, you screamed?
I guess it's safe to say you are one of my best friends now.
It's a blessing and I'm not kidding.
You're like the big brother I never had.
Yes, I know you're younger but you act older that your age.
I'll let you in on something,
Even though I am sure everyone else who reads this will know this.
For the first time in my life,
I actually felt protected in a way,
Safe, so to speak.
Andrew, you know my story and everything else.
I lost hope and you know it.
Remember what you said?
The beating-him-up-even-though-you're-just-saying thing?
Thank you for not asking why I let it happen.
Your hugs, they actually comfort me.
You make me feel,
Safe.
You're like a big brother even though you're not.
I let my guard down even though I know I'm not suppose to.
Because for once, I believe that you won't hurt me.
So, to my unrelated brother,
Let it be older or younger.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
Take risks, have fun.
Be crazy, be loud.
You're young, there are no restrictions.
Fall in love, fall out of love.
Do new things, prefect old skills.
Build a bridge, dig a hole.
Plant a tree, look for firewood.
Study till you die, die because you woke up.
Sing out loud, dance your heart out.
Take what's free and buy what's not.
Ignore trends and start your own.
Don't follow the crowd, define cool by your own standards.
Admit when you're wrong, rejoice when you're right.
Learn that nothing is perfect and perfection is achieved through mistakes.
Remember who you are and no one can change that.
Learn to surf when there are waves, climb higher when it floods.
Rise above the odds when everything is against you.
Remember to trust God always, for He never leaves you.
Believe in love, be strong in your faith.
Always hope because miracles can happen.
Listen not to gossipers but welcome the company of the wise.
Remember how to differentiate black and white, for the times are turning grey now.
Never doubt your instincts because God put it there to guide you.
Your heart may be decieved, trust God when you don't know where to turn.
Take a break when you need one, pushing yourself might differ results.
Treat people the way you wanted to be treated, this, I'm sure you're doing really well.
Smile, laugh, cry, get mad, every emotion, to be explored in this short life.
Live it well because I'm sure you won't get another.
Ignore insults from people who don't know you, they don't define you.
Everything else in life is planned out by God, so go with God's flow even when times are hard.
I hope she's sees everything I see in you and maybe more of it.
You're an amazing guy, remember that.
A good brother and a good friend.
You know I love you dearly, so don't forget me because I know you don't dare to.
One day, if I ever get to walk down the aisle,
You know you better be there because afterall, you're my big but younger brother, in so many ways.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
No, you wouldn't understand.
Dedicated to her
From TC and TC
The sky was pouring today.
There was lightning, maybe thunder too.
It was cold, but not cold enough to make me shiver.
It made me sad, this weather.
But no, it did not make me feel better.
There I sat on a rainy day,
My best friend, yes, she sat on my right
Her pain seem endless just like this season.
Counting the days, without knowing when you see a fullstop.
She's trying her best, you see.
No, you wouldn't understand because you don't see what is hidden.
Me?
I wish I could take away this grief, make her smile,
Anything, to make her live again.
Seeing her tears, it broke my heart because
All I can do is to wipe her tears and give her a hug.
And no, this, you wouldn't understand.
This boy, you see, he gave up.
She gave him everything, fought to be with him.
He ran away with his tail between his legs.
Coward, that's all he is.
He looked for reasons in this mass of snowballed destruction,
To save this skin of his.
Finally, he found some.
Bullshit, all of it.
He took away everything she gave him,
Left her with nothing
But a heart, beyond damaged and a handful of empty memories.
This other guy and I, we're trying to glue her back together.
And no, you wouldn't understand.
This broken girl, you see.
She is my best friend.
Yes, she may cry sometimes but then again, she is human.
There will be days when the walls keeping her strong will tumble,
This other guy and I,
Will keep her steady, carry her when she can't walk on her own.
Yes, she will have a seamless smile on her face,
Only God knows what is really going on inside.
This other guy and I,
We can only know so much,
Catching her when she falls is the only thing to do,
This I promise you.
Yes, she will try to be strong and face the world.
If only you knew the amount of strength put in behind this effort.
She has goals, yes, she plans to study medicine someday.
She is amazing, a fighter so to speak.
But then again, every fighter fall down sometimes.
This other guy and I,
We will help her back up every time she falls.
Afterall, not everyone leaves your life.
And no, you wouldn't understand.
From TC and TC
The sky was pouring today.
There was lightning, maybe thunder too.
It was cold, but not cold enough to make me shiver.
It made me sad, this weather.
But no, it did not make me feel better.
There I sat on a rainy day,
My best friend, yes, she sat on my right
Her pain seem endless just like this season.
Counting the days, without knowing when you see a fullstop.
She's trying her best, you see.
No, you wouldn't understand because you don't see what is hidden.
Me?
I wish I could take away this grief, make her smile,
Anything, to make her live again.
Seeing her tears, it broke my heart because
All I can do is to wipe her tears and give her a hug.
And no, this, you wouldn't understand.
This boy, you see, he gave up.
She gave him everything, fought to be with him.
He ran away with his tail between his legs.
Coward, that's all he is.
He looked for reasons in this mass of snowballed destruction,
To save this skin of his.
Finally, he found some.
Bullshit, all of it.
He took away everything she gave him,
Left her with nothing
But a heart, beyond damaged and a handful of empty memories.
This other guy and I, we're trying to glue her back together.
And no, you wouldn't understand.
This broken girl, you see.
She is my best friend.
Yes, she may cry sometimes but then again, she is human.
There will be days when the walls keeping her strong will tumble,
This other guy and I,
Will keep her steady, carry her when she can't walk on her own.
Yes, she will have a seamless smile on her face,
Only God knows what is really going on inside.
This other guy and I,
We can only know so much,
Catching her when she falls is the only thing to do,
This I promise you.
Yes, she will try to be strong and face the world.
If only you knew the amount of strength put in behind this effort.
She has goals, yes, she plans to study medicine someday.
She is amazing, a fighter so to speak.
But then again, every fighter fall down sometimes.
This other guy and I,
We will help her back up every time she falls.
Afterall, not everyone leaves your life.
And no, you wouldn't understand.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
If hearts were unbreakable, then I could just tell you where I stand.
One day, you will see me smiling.
You will be convinced that I am content, happy.
Decieved by the invisible walls that i have build,
To keep everything out,
To protect no one but myself.
My laugh will be loud, even contagious.
Everyone will be sure that I am fine
When I know I'm not.
Everyone believes it, why shouldn't they?
I can be an Oscar winning actress, with this skill I acquire.
I could be that one woman,
That struggles so hard, yet refusing to fall
In this film, I would be the heroine that lost everything else and yet still standing tall
Wouldn't that be fair?
Getting something out of being strong for everybody.
If only minions of justice exist in the world,
Every tear shed will not dry up in vain.
You would believe that everything is fine.
Once again, tricked,
By this act in scene three.
It's believable right, this play?
Every scene, seamlessly real.
Curtain call, the play has ended.
Standing ovation as I take my last bow.
Thank you for coming, much is appreciated.
This routine has been the past and the present,
It will be a rerun in the future, it is a cycle.
This lie I wrote, never meant to be disscected or understood.
It is to be heard and for you to ignore like you did everytime.
I will never be your priority so I understand.
You will never look for me if I get lost in the land of dreams.
You will not be the first one to reach out your hand if I was drowning in my own hell.
You might be the one running when you see me being mauled by my own demons.
Afterall, i am nothing but a tool,
A nothing among your life of everything.
You will be convinced that I am content, happy.
Decieved by the invisible walls that i have build,
To keep everything out,
To protect no one but myself.
My laugh will be loud, even contagious.
Everyone will be sure that I am fine
When I know I'm not.
Everyone believes it, why shouldn't they?
I can be an Oscar winning actress, with this skill I acquire.
I could be that one woman,
That struggles so hard, yet refusing to fall
In this film, I would be the heroine that lost everything else and yet still standing tall
Wouldn't that be fair?
Getting something out of being strong for everybody.
If only minions of justice exist in the world,
Every tear shed will not dry up in vain.
You would believe that everything is fine.
Once again, tricked,
By this act in scene three.
It's believable right, this play?
Every scene, seamlessly real.
Curtain call, the play has ended.
Standing ovation as I take my last bow.
Thank you for coming, much is appreciated.
This routine has been the past and the present,
It will be a rerun in the future, it is a cycle.
This lie I wrote, never meant to be disscected or understood.
It is to be heard and for you to ignore like you did everytime.
I will never be your priority so I understand.
You will never look for me if I get lost in the land of dreams.
You will not be the first one to reach out your hand if I was drowning in my own hell.
You might be the one running when you see me being mauled by my own demons.
Afterall, i am nothing but a tool,
A nothing among your life of everything.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Things change and you get used to it.
Sooo...
Today's paper was AS Chemistry Practical. Wasn't all that hard. I finished it, that's what matters the most. No blank spaces.
Before taking the exam, those who are in the 3rd session had to be quarentined from 8.45am till exam time which is about 2.30pm. It is a horrible experience. I can literally feel myself going insane in that room with NO phone and NO music. I am not the type to sleep during the day or anything like that but I end up sleeping from about 12pm to 2pm. Woke up with the world's most annoying headache. Now come to think, I might be claustrophobic.
Then when Miss Teng came in, she said,
"okay, you guys have to go now."
The whole class literally responded with the loudest "YES!!"
Obviously, everyone was eager to leave the room and I think my "YES" was the loudest. The sense of freedom that camd to me when I stepped out of the classroom was simply indescribable. Freedom at last. Next time my kids' name will be starting with A, B, C, D, E or F.
Then, we were in the Chemistry Lab.
No, my apparatus and stuff did not explode like it did in my dream and yes, I think I was too stressed. The headache that I had all day proves it.
I don't understand what is wrong with me. FB1 was emitting a weird, strong, bleachy smell. To confirm my suspcions, I HAD to put my nose so close to the beaker and choked myself. Halfway through the experiment, I suspected that FB6 had that strong ammonia smell in it. Again, I HAD to put my nose to it and sniff. This time, it choked me, bad. Curiousity always gets the best of me, which is a good and a bad thing.
Conclusion of the day, any kind of quarentined makes you restless even if you did not do anything.
I'm gonna study now.
bye. <3
Today's paper was AS Chemistry Practical. Wasn't all that hard. I finished it, that's what matters the most. No blank spaces.
Before taking the exam, those who are in the 3rd session had to be quarentined from 8.45am till exam time which is about 2.30pm. It is a horrible experience. I can literally feel myself going insane in that room with NO phone and NO music. I am not the type to sleep during the day or anything like that but I end up sleeping from about 12pm to 2pm. Woke up with the world's most annoying headache. Now come to think, I might be claustrophobic.
Then when Miss Teng came in, she said,
"okay, you guys have to go now."
The whole class literally responded with the loudest "YES!!"
Obviously, everyone was eager to leave the room and I think my "YES" was the loudest. The sense of freedom that camd to me when I stepped out of the classroom was simply indescribable. Freedom at last. Next time my kids' name will be starting with A, B, C, D, E or F.
Then, we were in the Chemistry Lab.
No, my apparatus and stuff did not explode like it did in my dream and yes, I think I was too stressed. The headache that I had all day proves it.
I don't understand what is wrong with me. FB1 was emitting a weird, strong, bleachy smell. To confirm my suspcions, I HAD to put my nose so close to the beaker and choked myself. Halfway through the experiment, I suspected that FB6 had that strong ammonia smell in it. Again, I HAD to put my nose to it and sniff. This time, it choked me, bad. Curiousity always gets the best of me, which is a good and a bad thing.
Conclusion of the day, any kind of quarentined makes you restless even if you did not do anything.
I'm gonna study now.
bye. <3
Monday, October 17, 2011
Last words I want to say if I ever leave this world earlier than planned.
Stay strong. Never give in to temptation. Love till you can't anymore and hold every person close to your heart, for you never know who means the most to you. Never settle for less than you should deserve. Never change for anyone else except for yourself. Believe that you can achieve anything that you want. The sky is the limit. Keep your head high and know that you are loved.
For my parents and both my brothers, Aaron and Joshua.
For Francine, Emery, Andrew, CKM, Darren, Margaret, Jade, Trish, Lianne, Vui Ting, Ling Jin, Ivy, Timmy, Audrey, Kelly, Selwyn, Abigail, Christie, Foo, Marie, Samuel, Pei Hung and Yi Mei.
For those who cry themselves to sleep at night and for those who are going through hard times now.
For my parents and both my brothers, Aaron and Joshua.
For Francine, Emery, Andrew, CKM, Darren, Margaret, Jade, Trish, Lianne, Vui Ting, Ling Jin, Ivy, Timmy, Audrey, Kelly, Selwyn, Abigail, Christie, Foo, Marie, Samuel, Pei Hung and Yi Mei.
For those who cry themselves to sleep at night and for those who are going through hard times now.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Your exclamations always amuses me
I guess this post will be as random as my blog title.
These are facts that I just noticed about myself.
1. Doing push ups and sit ups help me reduce stress of any kind.
2. My arms get tired after push ups.
3. I need to workout more.
4. The silliest and weirdest things make me laugh and make me happy.
3. Francine's duckie photo (my current phone background picture) makes my day, much to her dismay.
5. I don't mind doing past year papers, it's the "it might come out this exam" part that annoys me to no end.
6. I have insomnia at the moment. I can't sleep until it's past 2 am or something.
7. Insomnia gives me weird cravings.
8. All baby animals (except for snakes) are cute no matter fierce or tame.
9. I still do not enjoy Physics.
10. I still love Math, if I know how to do it.
11. I get weird dreams these days.
12. I cannot sleep past 6 or 7 hours.
13. A clean bedroom makes me feel relaxed and I can't study in it.
14. My messy room helps me concentrate better. True story.
15. I will forever love fried chicken.
That's all for now.
I'll do more past year papers now :)
These are facts that I just noticed about myself.
1. Doing push ups and sit ups help me reduce stress of any kind.
2. My arms get tired after push ups.
3. I need to workout more.
4. The silliest and weirdest things make me laugh and make me happy.
3. Francine's duckie photo (my current phone background picture) makes my day, much to her dismay.
5. I don't mind doing past year papers, it's the "it might come out this exam" part that annoys me to no end.
6. I have insomnia at the moment. I can't sleep until it's past 2 am or something.
7. Insomnia gives me weird cravings.
8. All baby animals (except for snakes) are cute no matter fierce or tame.
9. I still do not enjoy Physics.
10. I still love Math, if I know how to do it.
11. I get weird dreams these days.
12. I cannot sleep past 6 or 7 hours.
13. A clean bedroom makes me feel relaxed and I can't study in it.
14. My messy room helps me concentrate better. True story.
15. I will forever love fried chicken.
That's all for now.
I'll do more past year papers now :)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Francine is my froggie :3
Soooooo,
It's 3.05am as I'm typing this. I can't sleep and I'm craving for fried chicken. Yes, people. Insomnia makes you want stuff. Heh.
I have been doing my Chemistry past year papers and I'm starting to get the hang of it. You see, I'm not usually the type of person to actually study and DO past year questions but now I don't really have a choice. Idon't want to fail. No, I can't do that to my parents, can't to that to myself either. I guess I'm just beginning to prove to everyone and mostly myself that I can do something when I really work for it.
It's a new thing for me. I usually give up when I don't understand something. But this time, I refuse to quit even when my first instinct was to run away. I'm not sure why but I think I like it. It's nice trying to work for something for a change.
I'm still not sure why I'm doing science but God has something up his sleeve. Afterall, nothing even happens for no reason. I swear my brainis dying right now.
I can never be thankful and grateful enough for God and the people I have in my life right now. They are the reason why I wake up in the morning and the reason for me to smile. Yes, the girl whose name is currently my blog post's title is one of them. I really should give God the credit for whatever he is doing in my life.
Dear God,
I am really sleepy and apparently I can't sleep. Anyway, thank you for everything and everyone that you have put into my life. I am happy with whatever you are planning but it'd be nice to leave like that for just a bit, if you please.
I used to say life is a bitch but to tell you the truth, it's better now. I will not complain about the hardships and the emotional struggles that I've been through, even though I do wish that it had not happened. They've made me stronger and made me the person I am today despite the shell cracks and battle scars that were left behind, as trophies, lessons and reminders.
Nevertheless, I still thank you, for doing whatever that you did because I'm still here, breathing and living.
Love, Tryphena.
I think I will try to sleep now.
Goodnight.
P/S 5 more days till AS Exams.
It's 3.05am as I'm typing this. I can't sleep and I'm craving for fried chicken. Yes, people. Insomnia makes you want stuff. Heh.
I have been doing my Chemistry past year papers and I'm starting to get the hang of it. You see, I'm not usually the type of person to actually study and DO past year questions but now I don't really have a choice. Idon't want to fail. No, I can't do that to my parents, can't to that to myself either. I guess I'm just beginning to prove to everyone and mostly myself that I can do something when I really work for it.
It's a new thing for me. I usually give up when I don't understand something. But this time, I refuse to quit even when my first instinct was to run away. I'm not sure why but I think I like it. It's nice trying to work for something for a change.
I'm still not sure why I'm doing science but God has something up his sleeve. Afterall, nothing even happens for no reason. I swear my brainis dying right now.
I can never be thankful and grateful enough for God and the people I have in my life right now. They are the reason why I wake up in the morning and the reason for me to smile. Yes, the girl whose name is currently my blog post's title is one of them. I really should give God the credit for whatever he is doing in my life.
Dear God,
I am really sleepy and apparently I can't sleep. Anyway, thank you for everything and everyone that you have put into my life. I am happy with whatever you are planning but it'd be nice to leave like that for just a bit, if you please.
I used to say life is a bitch but to tell you the truth, it's better now. I will not complain about the hardships and the emotional struggles that I've been through, even though I do wish that it had not happened. They've made me stronger and made me the person I am today despite the shell cracks and battle scars that were left behind, as trophies, lessons and reminders.
Nevertheless, I still thank you, for doing whatever that you did because I'm still here, breathing and living.
Love, Tryphena.
I think I will try to sleep now.
Goodnight.
P/S 5 more days till AS Exams.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
The feeling like..
The feeling Like you are never good enough for anybody.
You make plans with them first and they cancel with you because apparently someone else more important than you makes plans with them.
You talk to them and you want to hang out with them, they tell you they are busy and they hang out with someone else.
When you need them, you text them and they text back, telling you everything they want to say in less than 10 words.
The list goes on and on..
To whoever is reading this,
if you are feeling like this, believe that you are amazing and you are worthy enough to have better friends than those who ignore you.
And to those who are doing this to someone you know,
don't do this to them. It hurts, a lot. If they make plans with you first, STICK WITH IT. It's so not cool to ditch, it just makes you shallow. If you don't want to hang, just say so. Being mean like this might just make you lose more than you ever wanted.
You make plans with them first and they cancel with you because apparently someone else more important than you makes plans with them.
You talk to them and you want to hang out with them, they tell you they are busy and they hang out with someone else.
When you need them, you text them and they text back, telling you everything they want to say in less than 10 words.
The list goes on and on..
To whoever is reading this,
if you are feeling like this, believe that you are amazing and you are worthy enough to have better friends than those who ignore you.
And to those who are doing this to someone you know,
don't do this to them. It hurts, a lot. If they make plans with you first, STICK WITH IT. It's so not cool to ditch, it just makes you shallow. If you don't want to hang, just say so. Being mean like this might just make you lose more than you ever wanted.
I hope you'd see my face and that you'll be reminded that for me it's never over
Everything that I felt that night, everything came back. I was scared, humiliated, scared and ashamed. I don't know what triggered it, I don't know what happened but what you did came back to haunt me, leaving me feeling defenseless just like I did before.
I was in a cinema, enjoying the movie and the nightmares came back like a movie going in fast forward. Everything that you did, everything that I felt came back like it never went away. My heart raced like I just ran a marathon. My palm began to sweat as I feel my fingernails digging into my palms on the arm. I squeezed my eyes shut and open them again to keep myself in reality but it was in vain as I feel more and more vulnerable.
I looked around, trying to remind myself that you're not here, that you will not be able to touch me anymore but my aggressive instinct began to overwhelm my sense of reality. I wanted to run away, to be anywhere but where I was then. I forced myself to focus on the movie and to understand every word spoken in every conversation. Luckily, my inability to concentrate on two things managed to calm me down, enabling me to stay in my seat for the rest of the movie.
And then, the movie ended. I heard a loud voice in my head, "Get OUT of here! RUUUNNN!!" I jumped up and ran for the exit. All I was thinking about is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. I couldn't stay, I was not safe. I ran and ran and I did not stop until I was safely in my car, locked.
I wanted to go home. I wanted to lock myself in my room with my blankets around me. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to stay in my room and never leave again. But, I couldn't. I had to push all feelings aside and drive to pick my brother up. Despite the ongoing battle in my head, I managed to get home in one piece, physically speaking.
The constant urge to run and take cover does not seem to stop even when I am safe in my room like I am now. It never goes away. A best friend of mine said that it will go away and he's not going to hurt me anymore. The nightmares still get to me once in a while. The disgust and fear I felt back then is no different than what I am feeling now. I will have to fight as hard as I can everytime because it never changes and I don't think it will change, ever.
I was in a cinema, enjoying the movie and the nightmares came back like a movie going in fast forward. Everything that you did, everything that I felt came back like it never went away. My heart raced like I just ran a marathon. My palm began to sweat as I feel my fingernails digging into my palms on the arm. I squeezed my eyes shut and open them again to keep myself in reality but it was in vain as I feel more and more vulnerable.
I looked around, trying to remind myself that you're not here, that you will not be able to touch me anymore but my aggressive instinct began to overwhelm my sense of reality. I wanted to run away, to be anywhere but where I was then. I forced myself to focus on the movie and to understand every word spoken in every conversation. Luckily, my inability to concentrate on two things managed to calm me down, enabling me to stay in my seat for the rest of the movie.
And then, the movie ended. I heard a loud voice in my head, "Get OUT of here! RUUUNNN!!" I jumped up and ran for the exit. All I was thinking about is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. I couldn't stay, I was not safe. I ran and ran and I did not stop until I was safely in my car, locked.
I wanted to go home. I wanted to lock myself in my room with my blankets around me. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to stay in my room and never leave again. But, I couldn't. I had to push all feelings aside and drive to pick my brother up. Despite the ongoing battle in my head, I managed to get home in one piece, physically speaking.
The constant urge to run and take cover does not seem to stop even when I am safe in my room like I am now. It never goes away. A best friend of mine said that it will go away and he's not going to hurt me anymore. The nightmares still get to me once in a while. The disgust and fear I felt back then is no different than what I am feeling now. I will have to fight as hard as I can everytime because it never changes and I don't think it will change, ever.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
If I am given a wish to change my life, to have a second chance.
i would do everything the same way but this time, with a little less mistakes but I would do it all over again.
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