Just needed to taalk

I feel tired because I've been at the beach for almost a whole day. It was fun. It was a long time since I've been at the beach without a schedule going on. It was nice being not busy for a while.

Anyway, I got my driver's license on Wednesday and highlighted my hair yesterday. I was an awesome week overall.

I feel...... confused. Irritated.

Ugh.

Sigh.

Guess who has good news?

Soooooooo....
I passed QTI or QIT. Whichever it is, I passed it.
Now I get to TRY to pass my driving test so that I get my driver's license.

Dear cars,
please be nice to me on Wednesday.

School holidays are cool. I get to sleep late and get up late. No, wait. I have laundry to do. So nope, I still have to be up by 8. I get the house to myself which is nice but oddly annoying because you get bored sometimes.

Picnic this Friday with CF! BBOOOOOOYYAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Saturday. Kabaddi video shoot. Naaaaiiiccccceeeeee.

So now, i'm trying my best not to be sleepy. Guess what? IT'S NOT WORKING!

I don't know why but I WANT TO EAT PEARS!!! Pears are yummy! Pears are good. Pears are friends that taste good. My GOD, I did NOT just go there.

I am sleepy. Things look weird and WHY THE HELL ARE THEY MOVING??? I think I'm going crazy. Guess that's what insomnia does to yahh.

I hope everything goes well on Saturday. I don't want to ruin things and make it irreversible. Sometimes I would wonder if I make the right choice but I know I will regret it more if I don't do it. Thinking about this, I WANNA RUN AND HIDE IN A CAVE NAAAWWWWW!!!!!

Heh.

Irritated/Annoyed/Sleepy/Cranky/Scared

I am irritated because I need new songs in my playlist and the stupid phone's USB won't read.

Annoyed because the computer won't read my phone's USB. GAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sleepy because I've been hitting the snooze button from 3am to about 6.30am for the past week. I need sleep but NAWWTTT SLEEPEHHH!!!

Cranky..... Uhhhhh.... I dont know really. I just am. HAHAHAHAAHHAH

Scared because I'm afraid I will ruin everything after speaking thos words.

Anyway.....

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYY DAAAA HOLIDAYSSS!!!

Things to do during the holidays:
1. Clean my room
2. Clean the bathroom
3. Get my driver's license (before Francine :D)
4. Highlight my hair
5. Sleepover with Vui Ting and try not to be mad AT her

I feel like ranting. Forgive me if you get bored.

What happens if someone close to you accidentally hurts you and even though you know they mean well, you still get really hurt and really mad? I would love to cause them as much pain as possible, make them suffer and shit. But I can't because I love them. Lame excuse in the world but it's true. But then when I see them , my anger just made it impossible for me to think straight and swallow the acid in my mouth.

Those who know me know that I dont forget and I rarely forgive. I forgive them but I get mad when I think about what they did. I mean, I shouldn't be even getting mad at them for such an insignificant thing but I cannot help feeling hurt about this. WHAT? The whole ENTIRE world knows and me as your best friend in your own words is the very last to know????

WHAT THE FUCK!

I've been venting about this for a long long time and I still get mad when I think about it. Do you blame me? Sigh. Last night, I got really mad and I had to let it out. I wrote about 7 pages of my feelings on this particular subject. Sigh.

Life goes on.

I have to say...

I have an exam coming up in two days.

Fuck.

I feel like shooting myself . Literally.

Anyway,

I have liked you for a while now.

Not sure if I have ever felt something so strong like this before.

Every time I see you, 

My heart skips a beat.

I tell myself that I am being stupid

But there's no way I can convince myself 

To stop smiling every time you smiled at me

I feel silly for having my stomach flip

Every time I see you smile.

But I can never suppressed the feeling

That it is not meant to be

I would feel my heart sink

When I know there are many who are better than me

But there are so many things that I wish I can say to you

And I wish by some miracle,

You would feel the same way too.

Sigh. 

Sorry I had to write again..

I really do not understand why am I so scared..
I do not like this sinking feeling and I feel so... Words cannot describe how I feel at the moment.
It's like my world is changing and I'm getting left behind and thrown away.
I am so upset that it's not even funny.
I will literally burst into tears if I can but sadly I don't cry. EVER!

I am confused.
I am messed up.
I do not know what I want.
I feel lonely, lost.
I feel like everything I ever knew is so distant.
So out of reach.

I do not like change. Hate it. Despise it.
I DO NOT adapt well to it. AT ALL.
It makes me anxious.
It makes me irritated.
It makes me scared.
It makes me insecure.
It makes me feel strange about myself when my best friend changes.
It gets worse when she changes into someone I dont even know anymore.

I feel like the world's greatest fool.
I'm not sure why.
I feel dumb.
I would like to punch something so hard.
I would like someone to tell me some things will never change.

Don't toss me into a strange land
Where the buildings and places are as familiar as a pair of old jeans
While the people I once knew are once again strangers
against my will

I looked around with fearful eyes
Nothing was familiar,
Nothing was the same
I would hide in my corner
And pretend it was a all dream

No, I do not fear changes
But I fear the things that changes bring about
I do not know if I would lose
Or gain
I have nothing much left
As I have nothing to start off with
I do not wish to lose
For it is painful
And my heart could not take the pain any longer

I blame me..

You are obviously happier now that I'm not a big part of your life.

I am in another place now.

You smile, you laughed, you even make jokes.

I should have left sooner. I'm sorry.

Confused

The floor is like literally disappearing..
The world is dissolving into nothing because nothing makes sense anymore.
I thought I knew things but apparently everything changed so I know nothing now.
I knew her but I don't think I know anymore.
She says stuff that I know will not be said if it was to me.
So many things I knew, turns into something else.

I thought she listened last time.
But thinking back, I was doing all the listening and everything I told her seem to always go back to her.
When is it about me? I dont remember at all.
She never asked how I was doing.
I was always the one telling her stuff about my life.

She was never excited about anything I tell her.
Stuff that other people said makes her laugh?
What? How is it fair? To me?
Does she even value our friendship?
Or am I the one holding onto something that is likely to drift away?

One thing sucks is that
I never learn after all the mistakes I've made with friendships.
I always end up picking myself up and watching the other going the other way,
Mend because of me
When am I going to learn how to live alone and NOT make friends?
That way, I won't get hurt.
Fuck this shit.

C H A N G E

Change always happen. I know. It sucks when it happens and you DO NOT expect that to happen. You are not ready for it and you feel out of place. Sometimes it's not that you are left behind. It just that you are not influenced that much by your surroundings. When your best friend changes, it's not always a bad thing. But it is quite sour when they slowly change from someone you know like the back of your hand to someone you dont really know anymore. Screw change and the fucking wrong timing.

Slacker's repentence

I acknowledge the fact that I have been spending too much time on Facebook and on the internet. I admit that I had wished that I could throw my books away and run away with playtime instead of picking them up and ACTUALLY reading it. I should have put glue on maa butt and stick myself in front of my desk and ACTUALLY FOCUS.I will look at my books and ACTUALLY pick up my pen to make notes and not doodles. I will flip the dictionary to look for words that I do not understand instead of looking for words that look cool. I will use my cell to text friends to ask about the ACTUAL school homework slash stuff and not to chit chat.  I will try ma best this time to not obverse the bumpy surface of the wall and be distracted by anything that is in my........

OHH LOOK CRAAAAYOOOONNNNSSSSS!!!!!

Epic bad day ever.

Got results that are disappointing. To me
Lost the results slip in about two hours. How embarrassing.
Best friend not here. Ehh...

Wish it was over as soon as possible.