Eavesdropping Series: Love Edition

Since I always eat on my own, I get to be more aware of my environment and the people in it. I realize that people tend to have very interesting things to talk about and I will hear because I am sitting next to them. They are not shy about it so I sometimes just listen to their conversations. Sometimes, I get to have a few chuckles about it. I thought that it'd be nice to share it with my friends on snapchat.

So, I started my own series which includes my selfies captioned with information from the conversations I overhear. I never take pictures of the people that I eavesdrop on. No names are included either.

So here's the set that just happened 15 minutes ago.

When I am in a corner deliberately

Hi, my name is Tryphena.

My talents include redirecting conversation topics to food 

and making people feel uncomfortable with my probing questions about their life.

I am not here to meet people, 

Notice how I am standing in the corner,

avoiding contact with everyone else at all costs.

I am simply here because I am supposed to

or I'm doing a favor for a friend.

I do not wish to participate in your discussion of the weather,

or the debate of whether the iPhone 6 bends "for real".

We have two seasons, raining and hell.

It is not rocket science

and definitely not a good ice breaker.

Oh, did you know it rained today?

OH MY GOD, REALLY?

and here's a tip,

don't bend anything that is not supposed to be bended.

Don't get me wrong, 

I am a nice person but

if I am in the corner deliberately and you invade that space,

you better have interesting things to say. 

I am in this corner for a reason.

If small talk is the only thing that you've got,

don't take offense when I make an excuse to go to the toilet and never come back.

I would usually stay and chat but 

if I am in a corner, people watching, 

please leave me alone.

Unless you've come to join me in judging people by their covers for fun,

then by all means.

Breaking my own promise.

I promised myself that I wouldn't talk about her anymore, that I would stop dedicating words to her,  words she will never read. Then, it became evident to me that there were imprints of her everywhere. I see it in my stories, my poems, my conversations and even in my reaction towards a new friend. I swore to never talk about her again but she's everywhere.

When I see the word best friend anywhere, my mind still goes to her even though she no longer holds the title. The feeling of this is like a recovering alcoholic seeing a sign pointing to a bar. Their first instinct tells them to go in and order a drink. Then, their senses come to them and they have to consciously convince themselves to walk away because going in will not help them in any way.

Time and time again, my mind will unconsciously remember the good times that we had, which triggered a lot of the bad memories. I would usually stop myself from going down to memory lane but sometimes, I would allow myself a short stroll and everytime without fail, I will end up missing her.

We don't talk anymore. It's horrible because now, even our small talk is awkward. We couldn't get two sentences out with that gaping feeling between us. And every time she talks to me, I wonder if she misses me. I never understood how people can just go around pretending like they never once knew everything about this person. I never understood how they manage to put away all these memories and information like it never mattered. 

There was a quote that I saw on tumblr, I don't remember it exactly but it goes along those lines, "He always photographed the thing that he loved but he never took a photo of me". I was in a lot of her photos before. Back then, I will always be somewhere in the picture. Now, you can't even tell that we're friends. I was happy then. Spending time with her was nice, I could talk to her about anything and she always made me laugh. She kept me calm, she kept me sane. She was my own sun. Was. Now, I can't remember what her laugh sounds like. 

I would like to think that she was using me because believing that is less painful than to believe that I just wasn't relevant anymore. However, as much as I don't want to believe it, I know that at some point, I did mean something to her and she really did loved me. My judgement about people hasn't failed me yet. So, up until some point, she really was my friend. My only mistake was to believe that that will never change. 

I stop telling people the details of our friendship. It used to be long, detailed paragraphs of stories. Now I replace those stories with "We don't talk anymore" and "I don't know, she never responded and I gave up eventually". I stop telling the stories because relieving the memories bring me pain. I no longer see the reason to put myself through it anymore.  I'd like to think that she doesn't care because it will help me move on from this. However, I saw a quote that says this, "There are two reasons why people don't talk about things, either it doesn't mean anything to them or it means everything". I don't know which one is she.

I think, among all the friends that I've made over the years, I will always love her the most. I mean, how can I still, after everything? But I do, I still do.

Suicide

Most of us are baffled at our own prospects of death. I think it's because of the mystery to it. I mean, we don't know when it will happen or how it would happen. So, we mask that curiosity, that fear of it sometimes, by being busy, being occupied and being oblivious. Most of us think that our end of the road is old age, grandkids or perhaps, success. The very idea that "lives can be cut short either deliberately or not" is a myth, a fairy tale made up to scare us into taking risks and aiming for the stars.

Kristina Akana, 1993-2007, she ended her own life on Valentine's Day. I just finished reading her sister, Anna's book, Surviving Suicide. Anna wrote about the aftereffects of a suicide. People always talk about why people shouldn't kill themselves and how much people will miss them but I have never seen anything told from the the perspective of someone that was left behind. That is up until now.

I have never had friends or family who were claimed way before the expiry date by suicide. However, I have friends who, fortunately, failed at their attempts to take their own life. Two were when I had to talk to them relentlessly because there was nothing else I could do. One was after she had her stomach pumped. I remember the panic when I hear "I'm sorry" and that lump in my throat that won't go down no matter how many times I swallow. I remember bargaining with God even though the life at risk is not mine. I remember that sensation of vertigo when they dropped the other line of the call. I remember hearing train tracks and the sound of her sobs.

Anna talked about how her brain was far from reality when she got the call that her sister tried to hang herself. Her response was "Oh My God, she's going to be grounded for a very long time" or something along those lines. I guess, it is normal for us to not accept the visit of the Grim Reaper, especially when you are not expecting him. Sometimes, I do wonder. I wonder if they ever stop crying. I wonder if they ever stop picturing her face when they hear "Kristina' or if they ever stop missing her. I wonder if Kristina wished that she stayed. I wonder if she is happy now.

I hope, I solemnly hope to God that she is.

When I heard that you cried.

When someone I love cries, my first reaction was to kiss them and say "I love you". When my little brother comes running to me in tears, I would put him on my lap and cuddle him. I would let him stay like that as long as he wants, until he feels better. I would kiss his cheek and just let him calm down.

So, when you told me that you cried, I instinctively hugged you. You buried your face on my neck and I feel you smile as you hugged me back. I tried my very best to resist the urge to kiss you on your head. I laughed and pulled you in for a tighter bear hug, which you oddly didn't wriggle away from. Then, I heard you laugh. It was light, delighted, like smelling hot chocolate on a rainy afternoon.

I swore I wouldn't care about anyone else but then, you appeared. Every time you say my name or look my way, I blew it, all of it. The sound of your name makes me do a double take. The sight of you makes my steps quicken. When you turn to smile at me, basically just noticing me, I get heart palpitations.

I am happy. After a long time, I am happy. You, you make me happy. For now, I really couldn't ask for anything more.

Love in Slow Motion.

I like watching people who are in love. I like how they light up at the name of the other. I like how they unconsciously break into a smile when they talk about this significant person. I like the way they blush and get gibberish. It is as if they're trying to squeeze all the sunshine, rainbows and good intentions of this person into one sentence. Obviously, you cannot contain a person's being into a sentence. So, they morph paragraphs and paragraphs of adoration into a never ending sentence, stitched together with commas and hyphens.

I have a friend who recently fell in love. I spend a lot of time listening to her talk about the details of her relationship. I didn't mind. I understand that she couldn't help it so I never stopped her from talking about it. Slowly, I found out that I learnt a lot about this guy that I only spoke to for about four times. I learnt that he likes to write letters. I learnt that he is very patient. I learnt that he likes burgers. I learnt that he was in love with her.

Maybe it's the way that his name rolls off her tongue like sweet honey. Maybe it's the way he purses his lips together and smiles after he says her name. Maybe it's the way both their gazes are so gentle but sure that it makes you want to look away. I asked her if she loves him. She hesitantly said yes, as if admitting would put her at a losing side. She always had doubt perched on her shoulders, feeding her the tale that she wasn't good enough. Sometimes I do wonder why people run from the things that they want. I also realize that they run faster when it is within reach or when they are already holding it.

She doesn't see the way that he looks at her, especially when she is embarrassed. I think that was the look of amusement and fondness. She is going to kill me for using the word "fond". She doesn't know about the way that he talks about her when she's not around. She doesn't know about the way that he waits for her. I saw him sitting on the sideway from the side of the road. His silhouette showed his hunched body and both his hands are clasped together with his elbows resting on his knees. He would turn to look if someone came down the stairs. He was a manifestation of calm waters and swooshing sea waves on a Saturday night. He simply sat there and waited, without any sign of impatience and anxiousness.

I believe that it is very beautiful to fall in love slowly. It is like reading a book. You get to slowly uncover secrets and stories that only that book can tell. The best part about reading a book that you already like is that you accept everything that the book throws at you. Just like everything else, you will always get one part that you don't particularly like. The most amazing thing about loving someone is that you don't try to fix them. You either readjust yourself to them or you both compromise.

I am not the best person to discuss what love is or what it is supposed to be. I have a very pessimistic view on things as vague and abstract as this. Maybe because of this, I am not often very happy. However, despite the fact that I refuse to open myself up to emotions, I am particularly drawn to genuine interactions and "in the moment" reactions. I remember how she hunches her shoulder and hides behind her left hand when she first talked about him. I remember how he panicked when "I" asked him why he didn't celebrate her birthday with her.

I am not a happy person because of the things that I refuse to believe in but I believe that it is possible to love and be loved, because I have seen it.

Tumblr Musings #11

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.

- Daniell Koepke

Reasons to get out of bed.

I haven't written in a while, which explains why I feel like I am going crazy. Since my days recently, have been bad or worse, I feel like I need to remind myself why I get out of bed. Hence, this list happened.

1. There's lunch somewhere out there.
2. You paid 9K this semester so you need to go to class.
3. You get to go to Muay Thai if it's the weekend and you enjoy it.
4. They make you happy, even if it's a little while.
5. It hurts less when you go out.
6. There is a possibility of fried chicken and cheesecake.
7. That person.
8. You get to laugh at other people.
9. Because you have to.
10. You can always come back to your bed when it's really that bad out there.

Waking up empty, again.

It was raining, a downright storm,
everywhere was dark, gloomy,
you feel like you never knew what happiness was.

I woke from my nap, expecting to be refreshed or at least not as tired
but no, that ever familiar sinking feeling is back.
I felt like I really forgot how to smile, it was as if
I forgot what anything good feels like.
Getting up hurts, just like I remember it.
Talking or making attempts at communication drains you.
It's definitely back because
suddenly, I was desperate to feel anything that was bad for me.

I crave cigarettes and the way they feel when I smoke it.
I love counting how many years they are taking off my life
but literally, not caring about it.
I crave alcohol, I crave the burn it gives when it goes down my throat.
I want to feel my face numb up from too many shots,
I want to feel how peaceful everything seemed to be, drunk.
I crave pain, they tighten up all the loose screws
and I can appear as fine, as well.
I love how they stop me from feeling the black hole in my chest,
at least for a while.
You only need to function for a while, it works.
I crave the sense of danger,
I would walk outside late of the night, and hoping
that somehow I would fall victim to a horrible tragedy.
I love how I know that I have 70% chance of dying
and I wouldn't really care.

Despite having the desperate need, the want to destroy myself,
I am still alive because I refuse to die.

I remind myself that every day.

Day 9 of 30 Day oetry Challenge: Quickly jot down four verbs, four adjectives, and four nouns. Write a poem using all 12 words

Dreams can shock you into feeling, anything.
It's a dream, it can go anywhere.
Anything can happen, whether be it a lost memory,
or a treasured moment.
Dreams have the ability to make you feel the extend of what you are capable of.

Sleep reminds you that you're alive when you wake up.
It's how you rest, how you stop thinking.
However, when you drift off into unconsciousness,
you don't control where it goes from here.
You are free but somehow, not really.
Your dreams are where you face your fears,
your hopes, your worst case scenarios.

When you wake up,
you can feel pain, so much pain.
You wake up, hunched into question mark and
admit that there is nothing else worse than what you are feeling now.
You will naturally learn to tell yourself to breathe,
to say that it's not real and you'll be okay.
The pain will subside and slowly,
it will be an imprint of what you felt just moments before.

Little pleasures in life: Soft, good quality tissue papers when you have a cold

I have a cold. My nose was running the whole day, I was coughing up phlegm. It was a pretty sight. All I wanted to do is to not move and just be sick, which is what I did. Half of my toilet roll is gone now because of the flu. Earlier during the day, I went to Watson's to get pocket tissues. No way I was getting better in a day, I figured that I would need the tissues for classes and stuff.

Now my tissue roll is down to like 15 or 16 more "roll" before it finishes. So, I'm saving that for when I need to do my business in the toilet. Mind you, my nose is really red and raw from all the blowing and the rubbing and sniffling. It's just really sensitive now. The tissue roll's texture is quite rough so it made my nose raw from all that.

When I used the new tissue papers that I bought from Watson's, I was so happy. Yes, I am happy because the tissue paper is soft. For those who have a cold, it gives you so much comfort when you use a tissue that is soft, especially if you've been sniffling and everything for the whole day.

There is a tissue stuffed up my nose as I am writing this. It's so comfortable and soft. You will not understand this unless you have a cold and really want a break from the tissue but can't.

So, buy soft tissues when you're sick. It might not be much but it makes your sick day a little less annoying. :)

Day 8 of 30 day Poem Challenge: Write a cinquain on a topic of your choice

Cinquain poem,
Five line poem, right?
I'm trying to make this worthwhile.
It should turn out something like this one,
Yay, or nay?

Day 7 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Take a walk until you find a tree you identify with, then write a poem using the tree as a metaphor for yourself or your life.

There were a lot of trees being cut down recently due to MRT construction. So, we went from having little shade to literally no shade. I feel no particular attachment to any of the trees but I get it? How charming, I get what a tree is.

I am a living, breathing being,
I was created for a reason, created for a purpose.
That might not be known for now, but
I'll do my best with this life I am given.

I will work hard and adapt.
So that, I can grow nowhere but up.
Let it be known that, I will not forget my roots, my morals and where I come from.
I will be as humble as the earthworm in the ground.
My head will be not be in the clouds without caution.
For storms, they can make you tremble or sometimes, even bring you to the ground
but don't forget your roots,
you can grow again, anew.

One day, when you are strong enough, wise enough,
you can bring comfort to those who were once like you,
small, new but growing.
I still don't know my purpose in life,
somehow I am content to live with whatever life throws at me.
I guess, the idea of living life to the fullest isn't such a bad idea.
That is if I never find out a greater purpose to my existence.

Day 6 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Write a poem of any length incorporating every word from your latest Facebook status

I'll cheat by using the latest thing posted on my wall. It was a check-in made by Zara and she tagged me into it. Mainly because my last status was me being in the hospital and I really don't want to write that. So,

Latest status: Sit back, relax.

Sit back, relax.

Tell me how are you, this is a safe place,

nothing you say will be judged or told to another individual.

It's okay, how are you?

Say you're fine, you've been doing well
I'm okay, as okay as I can be.
Now nod and smile, 
no, not like that, wider, bigger
you need to convince them, and me
Things are good and I am good.
Good, now look down,
don't hold eye contact, they'll know..

Are you sure? Were there any bad days?

Days where you cannot control your anxiety?

Yes.

No, I have complete control over them.

Look away, no, not so fast.

Look at them, now smile.

Things have never been better,

everything hurts less.

Bullshit.

I think I'm overcoming this.

Bullshit.

I think I might be better.

Bullshit, you're way worse than before.

Did you hurt yourself?

No, don't freeze, too late.

Why did you glance at her?

Cover it up, no, don't touch your wrist.

Shit, she saw that.

How do you lie out of this?

Folding your arms together does not help.

Whatever you do, don't tell he-

Yes.

You are a fucker.

You could have kept it together.

You don't need help.

You can do this on your own.

No, don't look at her like that.

Don't admit you are weak, you don't need her.

Come on, say something,

defend yourself.

Tell her that it's fine,

tell her that you're used to it

SAY SOMETHING.

Yes.

I felt like I was going to die,

and I didn't want to die.

It's okay, you're still here,

that should count for something.

No, I don't need help.

I am going to help you get better.

Really? You mean I can be better?

Sit back, relax.

It's okay, you'll be okay.

....

Day 5 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Write a three line poem about lemons without using the following words: lemon, yellow, round, fruit, citrus, tart, juicy, peel, and sour.

Lemons
Oval-shaped and has the color of the sun,
Mix it with water, it's refreshing
Warm it up and add honey, medicine for those who lost their voice

Day 4 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Write a haiku. They’re often about nature, but yours can be about anything.

Cuckoo cuckoo,
Seasons passed like books flipping fast
He never called me back.

Cuckoo, cuckoo,
it sounds like come back come back
I'd do anything please

Cuckoo cuckoo
He never came back for me
I would still wait for him.

Day 3 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Find the nearest book (of any kind). Turn to page 8. Use the first ten full words on the page in a poem. You may use them in any order, anywhere in the poem.

Are you still here? I'm afraid you already left.
Some days I miss you more, even when you are there
Mornings are the worst, especially after I have dreams of you.
I can still feel your warmth as if you never left, your cologne still lingers on my clothes.
Can you stay any longer, I asked, then you smiled,
Tell me you love me, you whispered.
He's leaving,
Rushing to live a life where he's free from everyone, including me
me, I can't let him stay if he doesn't want to. Instead,
Off you go, I said, my mistake was not telling him that I loved him.

Day 2 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Who was the last person you texted? Write a five line poem to that person.

Abigail Harris.

You are one of the most responsible person that I've ever met.
I don't know you well but we get along,
I think it's loving of you to stay with your family when they need you.
We don't see a lot of that, especially in youths and young adults.
I hope we remain friends, really, I think we would.

Day 1 of 30 Day Poem Challenge: Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name.

Trying to walk across my room, nope, just walked into the fan.
Right in the middle of the room, not sure how it got there.
You must know, I am not a neat person
Probably because I don't like moving from my bed a lot.
Heaven knows that I'll never leave my bed
Even if, I am hungry or I need to pee
Never mind, at least I didn't fall, crack my head open and die
And that will most likely be my last words, if I were to die young.

30 Day Poetry Challege

I have a knack for poetry. At least I feel like I don't over explain things with poetry. So, I'll be doing this instead of the previous challenge. This shall be fun, I am genuinely excited about this.

I think I am discontinuing the 30 day challenge post thing. The questions doesn't appeal to me anymore, that's why it took that long.

Love letters.

I'm sorry I can't write you a love letter.
No, I don't mean "those" letters.
You know, the ones that involve words like,
You and I, forever, house, children, mortgages,
and occasionally, your parents suck.
Love letters, the type I meant were
the ones where you tell them about a place that you went to
because they love the color red.
Then, you'd tell them about the person that you met recently
and how this person's laugh is similar to theirs.
Letters where profanities and insults were the language of endearment,
and I think, it will probably end with,
"Dude, text me. Why are you writing?"
Letters like these are never long,
sometimes they are a beautifully sculpted essay, using words such as,
flamboyant, combust, dynamic, serendipity.
Sometimes they are a random string of words, like
pizza, hippopotamus, Herbie, smelly, you.
Another thing about these letters is that
it made sense either way because it was written to you,
only you,
with love.

I can't write love letters anymore.
The last person I wrote to stopped talking to me,
and now, I am writing this to you
after deleting 290 photos of me and her at 3 in the morning.
I am not a person who is good with speech, or affection
or love, or relationships.
The only thing that allows me to properly explain the things that I feel
is a pen and paper.
Therefore, love letters, they are a manifestation of everything that I am afraid to say and
even everything that I refuse to say.
When I write to you,
no other thoughts but you will occupy my mind.
You will be my sole muse, my inspiration until the very last word
which is where I sign "Love, Tryphena"
I would use words to paint you like a picture, in hopes that
you would understand how I see you as a human being.
I have a knack for seeing things about people that are not noticed by many,
I'll tell you how you always keep your arms close to your body,
like somehow, you are trying to make yourself smaller or to preserve body heat.
I'll tell you how you always smile differently in pictures, especially the ones taken with me.
I'll tell you that people love you and you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't.
I'll tell you how you always change the topic to something else when it's a question that you didn't want to answer.
Then, to make things worse,
I'll tell you how different I am when I am with you.
I'll give you examples, references, citations, everything to show
how your existence is so important to me.
I'll tell you that you're the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep.
I'll tell you that I am comfortable with you, even when we're both in decade-old PJs.
I'll tell you that I check your "last seen" on whatsapp when I couldn't sleep.
I'll tell you that I never stopped loving you.

If I write you a love letter,
I am giving you my heart, my self-esteem, my self-worth on a silver platter.
If I write you a love letter,
you are given the ability to crush me into a million pieces in the time span that ranges from one millisecond,
to three years,
or more, your choice.
If I write you a love letter,
I am exposing myself to you in a way
that I later will suffer maximum damage from
if you ever plan on killing me.
If I write you a love letter,
I won't be able to take any of it back if you chose to leave,
and I will be left here with all the words that I ever wrote to you,
stuck in the back of my throat.

In spite of this,
if I write you a love letter,
you should know that I must really really love you.

Her, proving me wrong, as always.

Once in a while, you come across a picture that render you speechless and all you want to do is stare and marvel. Then, you realize that it is entirely possible to fall in love with a picture. It also helps if you know the person in the picture. Pictures capture expressions and highlights certain features of someone that you don't see normally. Up until now, all I can do is gawk at this picture.

The first thought that came across my mind is "Oh, wow, she looks gorgeous." And then, I couldn't stop staring. Since she's looking directly at the camera, it made me feel awkward and I had to look away. I debated with myself because it's a picture and I can stare all I want. I still can't because.. simply because.

Her eyes captured my attention. She is one of my best friends. She has been for the last 10 years or so. I love her completely and unconditionally. Thing is she looks absolutely amazing in photographs and pictures. It is in random times like these where you really really see person clearly and what you see just throws you off because you get blown away. It's like you're seeing them for the very first time.

I have lots of moments where I know that I couldn't love this girl more than I already do. It's always random, like the way she smiles or the way her eyes are when she smiles. I don't get to see her as often as I would want to because I'm away for my studies. When I do see her, she would literally be bae (before anyone else). She reminds me to hope and to love. On top of that, she is literally the only person where I don't shun from when she is being affectionate. That's something I realize only tonight. For example, she would want to hold my hand and I would let her. For those who know me, I would shake it off. If it's her, I wouldn't mind, or at least I don't shake it off.

I thought I literally wouldn't be able to love her more than I already do but she proves me wrong, every single time.

Ugh, too much feels. Again, I obviously don't know how to love or deal with affection. As my mum said, I don't react well to any form of affection or let anyone love me, which means I don't love a lot of people. Gonna stop now before I bring up falling in love with people and life.

Bye.

All I can say when I look at the picture is still "Omg..".

Moments.

I crave the nights where it's just me and a bottle, or in some cases, bottles. I love how the bitterness of beer silenced the loud voices in my head, shocking me into the moment of then. I love how the cold surface of beer bottles cause water droplets to condense. My fingers will trace the patterns etched on the glass bottle and I will feel the temperature difference between the cold glass and the warm breeze. Sometimes I'd wipe the bottles dry, sometimes I'd just let them be. It'd be bottle after bottle after bottle, a private competition with myself. How many till my brain gives out?

I crave the nights where I am able to breathe out the pain along with cigarette smoke. There is something calming about having a cigarette between my left forefinger and middle finger. I'd be able to feel the heat emitting from the lit cigarette bud. I'd flick off the burnt ends of the bud, exposing the still-burning tobacco insides. I would just sit there and watch it burn sometimes. There is some comfort in the smell of cigarette smoke when I am down. Watching the cigarette turn into ash and watching the smoke disintegrating into the air instilled a kind of serenity in me.  It's a familiar sense of pain and a comfortable kind of numbness.

I crave the nights where it's quiet. Quiet, in a sense where it's peaceful, silent, simply quiet. The only sounds in that moment are either cars speeding past or the wind. I'd usually be leaning on the wall or hunched down by the steps on the sidewalk. I'd do nothing else but breathe. It is only in times like these that I let my desperation to survive take over. I would inhale long drags of cigarettes, chug down half a bottle of beer to fill up the void that I feel somewhere to the left side of my chest. I would feel the complete weight of my depression. However, I know that I wouldn't want company. All I would want to do is to close my eyes and exhale.

In moments like these, I would feel completely and utterly alone. But then again, I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to feel like that.

So much questions

• 1) Sexuality? Is fluid.
• 2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Demi Lovato
• 3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. There is literally no books nearby..
• 4) What do you think about most? It's different everyday but most thoughts end up going back to her leaving. Yeah, so her leaving is one of the things that I think about the most, still.
• 5) What does your latest text message from someone else say? My school dean telling me to hand in my medical certificate.
• 6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on? With
• 7) What's your strangest talent? To love someone without asking to be loved back
• 8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence). Girls are just a plain breathless "wow" sometimes. Boys, they can surprise you when you least expect it.
• 9) Ever had a poem or song written about you? I don't think so.
• 10) When is the last time you played the air guitar? Just now.
• 11) Do you have any strange phobias? Heights, dying and people leaving.
• 12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Nope
• 13) What's your religion? Christianity 
• 14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Enjoying the rain.
• 15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? I am comfortable in front and being behind.
• 16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Paramore
• 17) What was the last lie you told? No, I was just kidding.
• 18) Do you believe in karma? Yes, very much so
• 19) What does your URL mean? I really don't like pickles
• 20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Weakness: Loving someone because I will give them everything willingly and not care what happens to me. Strength: I am very VERY independant.
• 21) Who is your celebrity crush? Demi Lovato
• 22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Nope
• 23) How do you vent your anger? Muay Thai, I write and I cut.
• 24) Do you have a collection of anything? Poems, books and cds
• 25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Both works for me.
• 26) Are you happy with the person you've become? Quite happy actually.
• 27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate how the word "goodbye" sounds. I love the sound of waves hitting the shore and raindrops on the roofs
• 28) What's your biggest "what if"? What if you belonged to me and vice versa?
• 29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and no.
• 30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. My mum's pants and a pillow
• 31) Smell the air. What do you smell? Nothing specific.
• 32) What's the worst place you have ever been to? The hospital.
• 33) Choose East Coast or West Coast? I am from the east so the east.
• 34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Adam Lambert
• 35) To you, what is the meaning of life? To live it to the fullest and to experience everything that you can.
• 36) Define Art. Art is an expression of who you are, what you feel and what you want to say.
• 37) Do you believe in luck? Not exactly
• 38) What's the weather like right now? It's raining now
• 39) What time is it? 9:06pm
• 40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? Yes and yes
• 41) What was the last book you read? The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks
• 42) Do you like the smell of gasoline? It's a meh smell for me.
• 43) Do you have any nicknames? Yeah, Try.
• 44) What was the last movie you saw? Maleficent 
• 45) What's the worst injury you've ever had? I scrapped my elbow
• 46) Have you ever caught a butterfly? Nope
• 47) Do you have any obsessions right now? Umm, Orange Is the New Black and Pretty Little Liars
• 48) What's your sexual orientation? I am honestly very confused about it.
• 49) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Yeah
• 50) Do you believe in magic? Depends on what kind you are talking about
• 51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Yes
• 52) What is your astrological sign? Taurus
• 53) Do you save money or spend it? Depends but I usually save it
• 54) What's the last thing you purchased? A toothbrush
• 55) Love or lust? For now, lust
• 56) In a relationship? nOpe
• 57) How many relationships have you had? 1
• 58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No
• 59) Where were you yesterday? At home
• 60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? The pillow on my left
• 61) Are you wearing socks right now? I just took them off
• 62) What's your favorite animal? Dog
• 63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Be nice to them
• 64) Where is your best friend? I don't think I have one
• 65) Spit or swallow?(; Umm, pass
• 66) What is your heritage? I don't know
• 67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? I think I was on instagram
• 68) What do you think is Satan's last name? The Shithead
• 69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Ha.
• 70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yeah, I guess? 
• 71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? apologise to the dog and walk away but I'll feel bad for a while.
• 72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? Yes but only to those that I want to spend my last month with. Yes, I will be quite afraid.
• 73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love. Trust
• 74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Alive by Krewella
• 75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 9339
• 76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Honesty and trust
• 77) How can I win your heart? Be you
• 78) Can insanity bring on more creativity? Yes, I believe it will
• 79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? To stop associating myself with her 
• 80) What size shoes do you wear? 8
• 81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? She tried her best to love
• 82) What is your favorite word? Lovely
• 83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. It was a sigh that came out. 
• 84) What is a saying you say a lot? It's okay that you are like this.
• 85) What's the last song you listened to? Piece of me by Britney Spears
• 86) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? Blue and purple
• 87) What is your current desktop picture? Hayley Williams
• 88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Debating if I should even consider that person.
• 89) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? Are you gay?
• 90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? I would freak out definitely because I do have a fear of them but I would just go back to sleep.
• 91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? To move things with my mind
• 92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? My first kiss with that person
• 93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? All of 2012
• 94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Demi Lovato, yes, huge girl crush there
• 95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? United States
• 96) Do you have any relatives in jail? No
• 97) Have you ever thrown up in the car? Yes
• 98) Ever been on a plane? Loads of times
• 99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Always be the person that your future children would be proud to talk about

A good dream about you.

I dreamt of you last night.

You had bangs again and your hair was shorter just like when we first met.

Things were already different in the dream, 

it was like an exact replica of reality but

the only difference is that we're talking in my dream.

You asked me if I want to go crab fishing with you.

I very very happily agreed to. 

The time was set as present time, present day.

Again, the only difference is that 

we're at the same place at the same time,

You still smelled the same, the odd combination of perfume and cigarettes.

Your hair still did that same thing where it danced in the wind.

I still remember how you always grabbed your hair when it fell into your eyes,

then you'd crinkle your eyes as it tickles your nose.

We recalled another inside joke and

you laughed.

I can still remember it being so loud, vibrant and 

I was so aware that it was a dream that I didn't want to blink.

I was afraid if I opened my eyes again, this dream was over. 

My eyes dilated so much due to the lack of blinking,

I was trying to memorize everything that was happening

because I knew it wasn't real, it wasn't real.

When I woke up, I was in tears. 

I painfully pulled myself away from the remaining memories of the dream

just like how you try to pick glass pieces from your skin. 

You can't really get all of the shards, so you just take your time.

I spent all morning, trying to forget you again.

The process of this became more of a habit but it doesn't make it hurt less.

Now I am stuck with the best parts of the dream and I don't know how to forget it. 

I hear your laughter ring in my ear, I hear your voice, god, I'd still drop everything for you.

You know what's the worse part?

The worse part is that I am sitting here, writing about you,

just like I did over the last 2 years. 

I thought I will never write about you ever again

but here I am, sitting in front of my blog,

writing an article, a blog post, a poem, about you,

Another bad thing that comes with this is that

I will spend the entire day missing you.

Real Talk Questions from Tumblr

• 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
• Looking into someone's eyes while I tell them how I feel

• 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
• I remember how someone just dropped me on my ass and expect me to be okay "because things have changed", according to her. Yes, I still do and it keeps me awake at night.
• 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
• My mum, I'll tell her I love her and my family. I'll also tell her that her and dad did a great job raising us kids and they are the best in the world. 
• 4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
• I'll only tell those that I want to spend my last month with. I'll eat, take as many pictures as I can, make home videos, bungee jump, be a daredevil. Yes, I admit that I'll be so afraid but it's inevitable so I'll make sure I'll regret nothing when I die.
• 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
• For argument's sake, I won't say that trust will cultivate love. I will choose trust because trust, in my experience, is developed and strengthen over time. I understand that it is the same with love but you don't get blinded when you trust. To trust is to have confidence in something or someone. Trust is given to those who have proven themselves worthy of it, instead of  having it being given to you in the beginning. It's more concrete and logical than love.
• 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
• No, as much as a dog's life is valuable, I don't think I can afford my job. This differs though, but I assume that I am not at home and I am on my own when this happens. So, no.
• 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

The one that I love.

• 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
• The first time it happened, I ended up dating him. The second time it happened, I told her that nothing can happen because she had a boyfriend.
• 9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
• No, because I don't know them that well. Plus, they had cancer so it wouldn't make a big difference. It's not like we could postpone his death if he was given another hour. It would just be another hour of waiting for his family.
• 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
• Yeah, I seem like a cool person.
• 11. Does love = sex?
• No.
• 12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
• Depends on the situation but if the situation is the same as I describe above, then no. I need to take care of myself, I have no one in this city.
• 13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
• It was a few months ago, at least the one where I remembered. It was with a group of friends and we were all mostly acquaintances. However, we somehow decided to have questions thrown out and all of us will take a turn in answering it. They were deep questions, what do you regret, what do you fear, what were your scariest moments in life. It was a very non-judgmental feel to everything and everyone was genuine so everything just came spilling out. They listened which was something I didn't expect. It was  relief because people rarely listen nowadays and sometimes that all you want from someone.
• 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
• Personally, to say "I love you" to anyone would be harder than " I don't love you."
• 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
• My family because they are the reason why I am able to be where I am right now. I would never trade them for anything in the world
• 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
• Last night, he is my little brother.
• 17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
• I don't remember, it has been a pretty good month for me.
• 18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
• Yeah, it's a life.
• 19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
• I would let the newborn go. First of all, I don't know the new born and it's not mine. My grandma is mine so I'll save what is mine. You can also have another baby but not another grandma.
• 20. Are you old fashioned?
• Only in my moral values.
• 21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
• I always do small things like this so I don't know. It's very recent, I'm sure.
• 22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

Broken hearts can heal. Then you'll love again.

• 23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
• To forget about her or to be over her completely so that I can move on and not think of her.

Day 16 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

There's a lot of things that one would change when given the chance. For mine, it's the way that children is treated.

Children, to me, are the sincerest, purest and most innocent beings ever and people abuse that about them because "they don't know any better" and "it's okay, they'll have to learn that life is shit sooner or later". Fuck you. They ask genuine and real questions, out of curiosity. They don't know understand what hate, insults, spite and those other emotions are. They don't know how to feel unwanted, how to abandon someone or how to open the fridge door. They represent a clean slate that most of us so desperately want. They are a complete new life, a new book which is waiting to be written.

When you ask a child something that requires them to have an opinion, their answers surprise you. I have a brother who is 9 this year and he likes to play with barbies. My family just let him.

Once, I asked him, "Why do you think you like to play barbie dolls?" "I don't know. I like it because they get to be pretty and their clothes are very beautiful," he said. Then, he turned to me and with the most childlike voice, asked, "Jie jie, do you think that you and me switched bodies because you don't like to play barbies and I like barbies?"

How am I supposed to explain to him about social norms? He is 9 and he's supposed to just enjoy whatever he's doing now. I did anyway, using the simplest words and situations to explain to him that the world isn't fair to boys who shows any signs of femininity. He went quiet and said, "It's okay, no one in my school knows," and continues playing. And I, unknowingly, taught him what shame is.

I wish that the world could have an open mind about children. Everything they do WILL have an effect on their future. When I was younger, I read a lot, like A LOT. Now I am in a Mass Communication course, planning to be a journalist or a writer for the media industry. Given my little brother as an example, he might be the next designer. I try to show him that it is possible to be anything you want and it is nothing to be ashamed. I am grateful that the media is showing a lot of guys being involved in the music industry and in the fashion industry. He used to be ashamed about ballet but now, he thinks the SYTYCD guy dancers are the coolest.

It's not fair that kids have to conform to all the social standards that the society has set. All the labels are so unfair, especially when given to little kids who have not even learn how to tie their shoe laces. So fuck off. Everything that you do affects the kids around you. They learn from your actions and they understand life through everything that is going on with them.

I could go on and on about this but I think I'm gonna go off topic so yeah, if I could change one thing about the world, it would be how children are being treated.

Greatest achievement of the day: 20/6/14

I am sitting here, listening to "This is What It Feels Like", W&W's remix of Armin's song while eating a quart of yogurt.

It's weird how painful breathing is. Everything just feels heavy. Even though it's painful, I also feel numb. My heart hurts but somehow my mutilated wrist didn't contribute to that. I can't remember half the things I've said or done. It sucks, it really does.

Greatest achievement of the day: I got up from bed, walked out of my dorm and went to get a drink and yogurt for dinner. It's pathetic as dinner but it's something because if I didn't force myself to get up, I'll just stay there till the next day.

Seeing that I can barely type out a proper sentence without zoning out after every word, I'll leave it until next time.

I have absolutely no hope left in me. A car would hit me and I wouldn't care but because of this, I am still here.

Late night Confessions: 19/6/14, 1.03AM

I cannot see someone being in love with me. I mean, how could they? I'm all fats and stretch marks, frizzy hair and big arms. If they give ratings for puberty, I would say puberty gets a 3, only because it gave me boobs. I grew up thinking that I didn't need love. I grew up thinking that love is equivalent to pain and that to love is to be in pain.

Then, I learn that love is gentle and soft but what would they say when they reach out to stroke my arm? What would they look like when they realized that all they can feel beneath their fingertips are never ending bumps? I cannot see them hugging me tighter or holding me closer when I cry.

I cannot see anyone missing me so much that they cry. I cannot see anyone crying and asking me not to leave. I have never felt wanted or needed. I don't understand why anyone would want me or need me. There are better people around, so yeah, I get it. I was always second, always.

Slowly, you just get used to it. You get thankful when someone remembers your name. You thanked people when they pay a little attention to you and you'd say to yourself, "At least someone noticed me this time." The saddest thing about this is that when someone is genuinely nice to you, you have no idea how to react to it.

Simply, I believe that I am not supposed to be loved or to ever feel love because when I feel it, all it brings is pain. I'd rather be without it.

Day 15 of 30 challenge: What’s something you wish you could say to that someone?

Depending on what and who someone. I have so many things that I would like to say to a lot of people but there's always one. She caused me so much pain. Too much and I practically died from it. I'm a very very different person now. No, I don't need people telling me, I feel it, which is sad.

Dear you,

You fucked me up. Do you know that you completely fucked me up? All you said, this entire time, was "get over it", "try harder" and "what do you want me to do?" What do I want you to do? Tell me we are still friends. Tell me that you still need me in your life even though we don't hang out anymore. Tell me that you don't want to see me anymore. Tell me I am dead to you and you were using me all along. Fucker, do something about it. I did everything I could and it's up to you. You fucker, what do I want you to do? I want you to fucking suffer as I watch on.

I can't look through my phone's photo album because you are in 60% of all the photos. I can't listen to songs because there are so many songs that are associated with you. I remember the movies that you liked and realized even though I also liked them, I can never see them as MY movies because YOU liked them. My favorite songs are desecrated by the memories of you. Fuck you.

I can list out all the random things about you. I don't know how much about you has changed but I don't think I care now. You have been the biggest mistake that I have ever made. You were the one that made me hit rock bottom by just telling me to do so. The worst thing is that I'd do it because you said so, just like how a siren makes a sailor meet his death. You were a fucked person from the beginning. I should have seen that. I know that I refused to because I honestly loved you.

I remember the day that you didn't come to school because you got your stomach pumped. I remember the day where you fainted outside the classroom. I remember the morning you called when you got into an accident. I remember the night that you called when you were in Spain. I remember the day when you surprised me with you already back from Spain. I remember travelling to the Philippines with you. I remember tucking you into bed when you were so drunk. I remember acting as a look out whenever you wanted to smoke at home. I remember waking up at 1am to drive you to get your car which died earlier that day on a hill. I remember wrapping my arms around you while you cried and feeling completely helpless. I remember crying, telling you that I couldn't stop bleeding and all you could do is scream at me. I remember crying again, telling you how I feel and you frowning, telling me to try harder. I remember sitting in front of you, begging you to see that I am trying my best and you just coldly telling me to try harder again. You're a fucker.

You are a bitch, a fucked up asshole that threw me aside but kept me close enough so that it's be easier for you when you needed me. Now that you have a new group of friends, you completely ignored me. I never received any phone calls or messages from you anymore. Everything you said about loving me and me being someone that you trusted was a lie. If I was so important to you, why was it so easy to kick me out of your life? It's like you never existed now.

I don't remember what your laugh sounds like. I forgot what you sound like when you're happy. I forgot what your different smiles mean, or maybe all of them are just different depths of lies. I don't remember how you'd react when you're stressed. I don't remember if you like sushi or not. I don't remember your shoe size or the prescription of your eyesight. I don't remember what you look like when you're happy. I don't remember if you hated spinach or not. I don't remember the kind of pen that you use or your Starbucks order or your favorite book or if you ever loved me.

You broke me. Do you understand that, you broke me? Just like he broke you back in July 2011. The only difference is that I was holding you in your car while you were crying during a thunderstorm. I'm here now, feeling every ounce of this pain but I'm alone. I gave you everything, my time, my energy, my whole being. You said, "Not everyone will screw you over. I won't." Fuck you, I still remember that. It was in your study room. You were wearing that grey jumper from Philippines with your hair in a bun. You looked me in the eye when you said that. I honestly believed you then. Oh god, I really loved you.

You were the last person that I would ever hurt. Clearly, it's not the same with you. Do you even understand the thing with me now? I cannot feel anything more than a glimpse of pain. I cannot cry, nothing. When I was writing the paragraph above, I was so so close to tears and then, poof, gone. It's like my mind blocked it completely. It is a good thing for me though sometimes because I'd imagine beating you up and I'd just hit you over and over and over and over again. It doesn't even bother me that I might kill you. Or I'd just bludgeon him and make you watch.

I have no mercy for you now. I won't mind doing something that will cause you pain. I'd make sure to be a witness to it. Just like Regina from Once Upon A Time, your suffering will be my happy ending. I don't understand what you did, I don't think I'll ever understand it. You're a fucker. You're a fucked up person. I pity everyone who loves you because you'd just throw them away just like you did with everyone else. I know so much about you, and now I see it. You have no one close because you throw all of them away when they served their purpose.

Fuck you, F. I really loved you but now, fuck you. You'd never understand and I don't expect you to anymore.