Close

This close to crying

this close to breaking down

and

this close,

to just losing it.

The voices in my head 

they need to stop

they need to stop

I need my mind back

I don't want to run because 

I can't

I am so tired

So so tired

I have no words to describe it

there is no one to talk to here

I know they would have listened

but I know they wouldn't understand

I want someone to understand

I want someone to be there

but I can't allow them to

because I know I may reveal parts of me

the dark parts that not many can accept

It is not possible for someone to feel

this weary

this much pain

and still be functioning normally

To have these voices in your head

it's not normal.

I'm not normal.

Voices.

I am trying my best, my very best to drown the voices in my head. I am playing music so loud that I feel my brain bouncing in my head. I have never felt this absent in so long.

This is another new level of self loathing. Last night, I've hated myself so much that I fell asleep thinking of not waking up. They say comparing yourself with other is not a good thing but it is, to help you realize what you have. What I realize is that I am nothing. And I am just hating myself for so much more reasons than I had 5 years ago.

The voices in my head just agreed. I am just a waste of space. I am absolutely nothing.


And I am,

this close

to giving it

all up.

beautiful.

how is it that you still look utterly breathtaking even in your worst days, with your messy hair, baggy clothes? You are drinking your coffee with your eyes down at a book. Your right hand came up to tuck your long bangs behind your ear as you silently exhale. Then, your lashes flick with your eyes looking up to meet mine. I froze. I forgot how to breathe.

you look so beautiful, perfect, without even trying.

Empty.

I don't know how to describe how I feel right now. And I am very sure that I will spent the next two paragraphs trying to do just that.

It's just empty and you just feel like you're sinking.

I want to scream but I can't. And I feel like crying. By doing that, I don't think it can sum up to exactly what I  am feeling.

I'll go to sleep earlier today, I hope my mind can shut up. I'm just sad, I guess. I want a hug but obviously, I want one from someone specific.

Well, good night for now.

On leaving your place and people you call home.

Three nights ago,
I cried myself to sleep.
I was home, in bed.
Knowing that I am leaving, home.
You'd think that
you'd get used to the goodbyes to your family,
friends, home.
You'd think that all the loneliness will fade
and you'd be accustomed to being alone, by now.

However,
I don't think that people,
I, can get used to leaving
the people I love behind.

Then, I cried myself to sleep
the next night after the first.
My dreams were messy,
there was running and no ends.
No goals, no finish line,
I was running from something but
I don't know what.

I didn't cry
the night before I left.
I didn't feel anything, I was
smiling.
I guess, I malfunctioned.

I cried when I was on the plane.
I hyperventilated to stop, it worked pretty well.
My best friend said that she misses me already.
Then, I thought about the last few times that
we hung out.
I remember feeling complete.
I remember being safe.
I remember being home.
I remember looking at her, and just laughing
because she made a look.
I miss her again and maybe, more
when I think about it.
I cried harder.

I reached my dorm.
I remember that
I won't hear my little brother run up the stairs.
I can't hear my brother singing in the shower.
I can't call my best friend to go out.
The jiggle of keys, the way the place smells.
The sound of water pumping and the way my bed feels.
It's familiar but
it's not home.
I sat up from my bed and
I cried.

I like quizzes.

This survey gets a little personal can you handle ?

Bring it on, bitches!

Can you take this without deleting any questions?

Bring it!

Your ex calls you, what do you say?

I say hi, what's up?

When were you on the phone last and with who?

The shop telling me that my contacts lens are here

Want someone back in your life?

Define someone

What are you excited for?

Sunday

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?

Melisa, she is currently reading my blog LOL

Are you scared to fall in love?

 I love but I don't fall in love.

Do you think teenagers can be in love?

I don't think they are capable of staying in love

Do you find it hard to trust others?

Not really? but it doesn't mean that  don't take it seriously.

Do you care too much/not at all/just enough?

Usually I'm the one who cares and loves too much

How fast does your mood change?

Usually, it doesn't. It just looks like it but it doesn't

I bet you miss somebody right now?

you betcha

Can you honestly say you're okay right now?

I can, actually.

Why do you think so many people cheat?

I have a lot to say about this. So why don't you wait for the book?

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?

I think every girl has.

When did you last talk to your number 1?

Few days ago

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Not everything. My everything person is still a girl.

Has anyone walked out of your life in the past 2 weeks?

No.

What pissed you off last?

Parents and their gibberish

Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions?

Bring it, biatch

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Yes :)

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Different depths for different people. I would have to say Melisa and Francine

Are you going on vacation this coming summer?

We have no summer here

Waiting for someone to call?

No one ever calls LOL

Does anyone love you?

Define love.

Is anyone in love with you?

I know one.

Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Liyana is ma KL homie!

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?

We all drift apart but sometimes, it doesn't mean that anything has changed.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an R, A and T?

yes LOL

Missing someone you shouldn't be?

Nay

Have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes, I broke down and called my best friend.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?

No, they disapprove but they say, as long as I am happy.

Do you have a best friend?

I have a few actually

So far, which school year has been the best?

2011 was one of the best. I would say that I was very happy but this year might top that x

Do you hate anyone?

Nah..

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?

In real life, no.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight?

My imaginary boyfriend

Does anyone know your passwords other than you?

I gave my email and FB password to Francine but she can't remember it LOL

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Umm.. NO LOL

Last December, what was your love life like?

What love life?

When was the last time someone held your hand?

Grace, last week.

Want something you can't have?

Yup

Do you have a secret that you've never told ANYONE?

Yeah, but I'm debating to tell or not.

Has someone ever licked your cheek or forehead?

omg, you have no idea.

Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now?

I miss too many people for it to be one.

Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars?

I sit, I slam on the accelerator, and I zoom.  

Do you hate the last guy/girl you were talking to?

No, I love her.

Last movie you watched?

Oblivion

What do you usually do right when you wake up?

Yawn and go back to sleep.

One thing you're looking forward to?

Sunday

Last night you felt..?

Insomnia kidnapped me

Are you taller than 5'5"?

I'm somewhat 5'5

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?

Feel free to ask, I don't know.

Did you speak to your father today?

Yup

How old is the oldest person on your myspace top friends?

Don't have myspace

How has this week been?

it's very chill and it has been a good week :)

What are you listening to?

Maroon 5- One More Night

How did you feel when you woke up today?

Hungry

What are you thinking about right now?

Titanic because "My Heart Will Go On" just came on

Do you wish someone was with you right now?

Yeah, Francine. I miss her company and I have her cat food LOL

What time did you go to sleep last night?

arpund 1.30?

Is someone on your mind right now?

Nah, it's blank. I keep thinking about Jack and Rose 'cause of the song

Do you believe in love?

I do but I'm just careful

Are you too forgiving?

No, on contrary..

When is the last time you cried?

A while ago

Who was the last person to call you?

Scroll up

Where were you in your default picture?

In my room. I was 17 then.

What do you want?

I want a hug

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Again, Scroll up.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?

You

Where do you wish you were right now?

I wish I was at the beach, listening to the waves

How do you feel about your life right now?

It sucks but it has it's moments. This song is making me sentimental.

Anyone upset you lately?

nah.

Is there someone you know you should hate, but you can't?

I love them more than I hate them.

Has someone put their arm around you in the past five days?.

Yup

Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger?

I'd never LOL

What is the last thing you bought?

I bought the photos I needed to renew my license

When was your last argument?

Around Jan?

What kind of mood are you in?

I'm sentimental but hungry too 

What are your plans for the weekend?

Well, I'm not sure about tmrw (Sat) but I'm spending the Sunday with Francine.

Have you ever driven some one else's car?

Yes, my mum's.

What's one thing you do when you're mad?

I vent and vent and vent.

Are you afraid of needles?

Nope.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?

Why would they? LOL

Who did you last talk to in person?

My mum.

When is the last time you went to the mall? & with who?

Francine. On Tuesday.

Do you know anyone who has been arrested?

Umm.. No.

Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?

Francine, Liyana, Melisa, Ling Jin, or Leroy

Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child?

Neither

Fact about the person you fell hardest for:

He was everything that I wanted

What is the last thing someone bought you?

Chicken McNuggets

Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed?

Umm.. I think it was my mum?

Have you made a mistake this past week?

define mistake.

What were you doing at 4am this morning?

I was asleep, thank God.

What’s something that can always make you feel better?

food :)

Do you have both a loud side and a quiet side?

Defintely

Are you a stressed out person?

Not all the time

If you could go back 6 months and change something would YOU ?

No, I won't change the events but I will change how I reacted to it.

I'll bet you miss someone right now?

Not necessarily

Who is the last person you high-fived?

Melisa

Do you have any bruises?

I have scars

Is there anybody that you like?

Yesh :3

Was yesterday better than today?

I got my full license today so yes, yes, it was.

Where did you go in a car last?

To JPJ and then, McD drive thru.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now ?

HAHAHAHAHHA HELL NO!

Do you remember your dreams?

Not really but there are parts of it that stays with me

Is it okay if you kiss people when you are single?

yes, but that is if it doesn't get you into trouble.

Have you everkissed anyone who's name starts with D, E, K, or T?

Nope.

Do you miss your past?

I don't want to relive it

Were you single on your last birthday?

LOLOLOLOLOL yes

What will you be doing tomorrow?

My brother wants me to go somewhere with him to pimp his car LOL

Who's the ugliest person you know?

You.

When was the last time you had to deal with the police?

Umm.. none

What's your goal for this next month?

Do better in my studies and to actually lose weight LOL no.

Whats your relationship status? why?

I am not sure but it's too complicated for me to explain here.

Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back?

I did. I still do if it's people that I care about

What do you think about cocaine?

I don't even think about it

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

Now? Not really

How are you feeling?

Hungry.

Is there something you're not looking forward to?

Yes, Sunday. Words cannot describe how excited I am.

What is your favorite thing to shop for?

Food and shoes.

Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed?

smoking weed

Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?

yes.

Do you wanna fix anything with anyone?

There's a reason why some things are broken so I'll just leave it.

Do you have trust issue?
I do actually.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?

Nope.

Have you ever broken someones heart?

I don't think so but I know how to.

Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone?

Yeah, if I'm lucky. I prefer sending them.

Random Ass Quiz from 2011 because I feel like it.

1. Last beverage→ Ribena

2. Last phone call→ the shop that I get my contact lens from

3. Last text message→ Melisa :)

4. Last song you listened to→ Cough Syrup by Young the Giant (currently)

5. Last time you cried?→ I don't remember but it was not recent

6. Dated someone twice → Been there, done that.

7. Been cheated on? → No

8. Kissed someone & regretted it? → Defo.

9. Lost someone special?→ yeah, I think everyone can relate to this

10. Been depressed?→ depression became a part of me a long time ago

11. Been drunk and threw up? → ask Francine ;)

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

Blue, purple and red. Bold colors in general.

HAVE YOU:

12. Made new friends → Yes, amazing ones :)

13. Fallen out of love → still trying to

14. Laughed until you cried → yes :)

15. Met someone who changed you → I am happy to have two in my life

16. Found out who your true friends were → definitely

17. Found out someone was talking about you → tell them I said hi

18. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ LOL yeah

19. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → define friend.

20. How many kids do you want to have→ two or three

21. Do you have any pets → Yeah, Chowder is my dog

22. Do you want to change your name→ Nah, I like my name

23. What did you do for your last birthday - I'd rather not, it wasn't a good memory for me

24. What time did you wake up today → 9.00am

25. What were you doing at midnight last night? → I think I was playing Subway Surfers

26. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Sunday, I get to spend the day with my best friend

27. Last time you saw your father→ just now

28. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I've accepted almost everything that happened in my life. I am happy where I am now, I wouldn't change anything.

29. What are you listening to right now → City of Dreams 

30. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Sadly, no

31. What's getting on your nerves right now? → it's a chill night 

32. Most visited web page → twiiter and facebook

33. What's your name→ Tryphena

34. Nicknames→ Depends on who is calling me but Try is widely used

35. Relationship Status: I'll get back to you on that.

36. Zodiac sign → Taurus

37. Male or female or transgendered → Female.

38. Elementary→ SJK(C) Chung Hwa Likas

39. high School → Kian Kok

40. college → HELP University

41. Hair color → Reddish brown with blonde highlights

42. Long or short → Longish

43. Height → 5'5

44. Do you have a crush on someone? → define crush.

45: What do you like about yourself? → the fact that I'll never have a bad relaionship with food

47. Tattoos → hmm.. it's a no for now.

48. Righty or lefty → Righty

FIRSTS :

49. First surgery → none

50. First piercing → Ears

51. First best friends → My earliest memory is Michelle and Zara

52. First sport you joined → Running and hurdlers. Ironically, now I hate running.

53. First pet → Dog. Lulu.. We've had it since I was born. She died :'(

54. First vacation → Don't know

55. First concert → Swedish House Mafia - One Last Tour

56. First crush → Don't really remember

RIGHT NOW:

57. Eating → I wish I have nuggets

58. Drinking → *getting up to get my water*

59. I'm about to → the water that I just got

60. Listening to → Justin Bieber - Common Denominator

61. Waiting for → myself to be sleepy

YOUR FUTURE :

62. Want kids? - it's something I would love to have

63. Want to get married? →it's up God

64. Careers in mind? → Journalist, reporter, editor, actress if I dream hard enough LOL

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

65. Lips or eyes → Eyes

66. Hugs or kisses → Both ;)

67. Shorter or taller → Taller

68. Older or Younger → Older

69. Romantic or spontaneous → Both.

70. Nice stomach or nice arms → Now that I'm older, both.

71. Sensitive or loud → sensitive

72. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship

73. Trouble maker or hesitant → a balance is good

HAVE YOU EVER :

74. Kissed a stranger → not yet LOL

75. Drank hard liquor → yeah

76. Lost glasses/contacts - contacts - down the sink. Glasses - Sunway Lagoon

77. Sex on first date → Never

78. Broken someone's heart → Not that I know of.

80. Been arrested → That'd be fun

81. Turned someone(s) down → Yeah, still trying to right now

82. Cried when someone died → Yeah..

83. Liked a friend that is a boy? → Yes?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself → I finally do

85. Miracles → used to. Not that I don't, it just doesn't happen to me.

86. Love at first sight → No.

87. Heaven → Yes

88. Santa Clause → Don't think I ever did

89. Kiss on the first date? → No.

90. Angels → Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

91. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Not exactly, I'm happy being alone

92. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → I have a personal against cheating

93. Posting this as 100 Truths? → Nah LOL

94. Have you eaten alot of chocolate in one day? Don't really like shocolate

95. Does your mother know what you're doing right now? I don't think so?

96. Do you dislike someone at school? define dislike.

97. Have you skipped class? HAHAAHAHAHA it was fun

98. Do you like to eat popcorn and chocolate together? Eww.. 

99. Have you beaten any boy in a sport? I don't do sports?

100. Will you now post this as 100 truths? Still, no.