whatever it takes

We accept the love we think we deserve

Sam: Why do I, and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

Little things: Kindness

Meet Jason Kam.

I met him during the Swedish House Mafia Concert.

Why does he have a post?

Because I don't ever want to forget why I enjoyed this concert 

and how he made me feel less alone during the entire concert.

Like I've said, I met him at the concert.

He was standing beside me and we talked.

He was the only person that I knew that was around me when the concert started.

They.. Well, we got separated

and they really.. didn't bother to pull me next to them. I guess.

They *I believe* think that I will be fine

because getting separated is not something you can avoid.

*breathe*

Wow, really?

You guys didn't even try to get me next to you.

Yeah, not a big deal.

Oh shit. Why did I bring this up?

And now, it hurts all over again.

*deep breathe*

Anyway, when the concert started, I was literally alone.

When I saw that he was still next to me,

I was secretly grateful. Like sincerely grateful.

He would randomly look at me and smile during the concert.

Sometimes, he would tap my shoulder and ask if I'm okay and vice versa.

I caught him looking at me a few times.

He was the person that I partied with during the whole concert.

I expected my best friend to be the one who I'll be shouting song lyrics with,

dancing and pointing at the sky with,

to jump up and down and stamp on each other toes with.

She was.. Occupied.

And no, it was him.

Halfway during the concert,

he told me that he'll be right back 'cause he had to look for his brother.

I couldn't say, "No, stay here!"

I nodded and shouted, "Okay!" over the music.

I really didn't expect him to come back.

I was sad to see him go. 

I remember telling myself,

if he's not back after two songs and if I am tired, I'll leave.

Like I've said, I didn't expect him to come back

but I still turned my head to check.

And to my surprise, he was already smuggling through the crowd

trying to get back to the spot next to me.

All I could think of was

"You came back for me."

I was sincerely happy to see him.

He was my companion for the concert

and he came back.

I expected him to leave or go to his friends but no.

He was next to me for the next 6 hours.

Near the end of the concert, I was honestly tired.

All I wanted to do is sleep.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around and it was him.

He told me he was going to the toilet.

I really didn't want to be there alone and I needed water.

So, I left the party zone to buy water.

After going to the toilet, he came back, to me.

I am still confused why he stuck by me when there are better people to be around with.

Then, the concert was over.

Time to look for the people who really didn't care about where I was , LOL!

I would write out why they HAD to look for me

but I guess I'll never forget even if  I don't write it down.

I found my friends as he found his.

Of course, we walked with out friends.

Mine were a pair who were dating.

They were holding hands and stuff, which I don't mind.

But it's like they didn't even notice my existence.

They were engaged into their lovey-dovey conversation.

They only talked to me for the 5 secs because they needed water.

And then, I was left alone again.

I was walking beside them, or at least trying to.

But I had never felt so isolated.

And then, I stopped trying to make myself look like I am with them.

I just stopped trying entirely.

I lagged behind them, putting distance between us just because it's easier to focus on my own steps.

Left. Right. Left Right. Ouch, Loose Rock, Skip.

just because it hurts less not trying.

 I remember looking up, desperately trying to push away the pain, 

desperately trying not to feel.

I saw him looking back.

He was a few feet in front of my friends and he was searching, 

for me.

I knew that because when his eyes meet mine, he smiled.

He stepped to the side and waited for me to pass him.

When I did, he walked with me.

He said, "Follow me" and I obeyed.

Slowly, we pasted my friends and they followed us.

They were somehow really slow and we got separated.

But this time, I wasn't afraid of getting lost or anything 

 because he was with me.

It wasn't because I liked him or anything.

It was simply just because he was there when there wasn't anyone there

When I was with him, the pain left and I could breathe again.

He lead the road but he kept turning back to make sure that I was following him.

Then, to avoid him from straining his neck,

I held on to his shoulder.

He was okay with that, so I held on and never let go.

When my hand did slip off, he immediately turned his head over to see if I'm still there.

He guided me out of Sunway Lagoon, walked me out of the entrance.

My friends were gone.

My phone had no bars so I couldn't call them.

He offered to call for me even when his phone is low of battery.

My friends picked up, they sound so pissed off at me.

They literally growled "Where are you!?"

I guess they were sleepy? 

Hah, yeah.

He had to meet his friends but I couldn't find mine.

I didn't want to keep him from his friends

and I knew the place well enough to find the entrance

but he insisted on staying with me until I found my friends.

Of course, his friends called and he had to leave but

not without telling me where I had to go to find my friends.

He asked me for my number and I gave him a hug goodbye

while thanking him again and again for being there the entire night.

I really feel the need to treat him to dinner 

because I feel like I owe the whole night to him

and also I get to see him again.

He never gave me a straight answer why he stayed with me the entire time

but I am entirely grateful for him.

Of course, I found my friends and we went back to the room that I rented,

Yeah, the reason why they HAD to look for me, LOL

It hurt the whole time but because of Jason,

it didn't hurt as much. 

I was stupid to think back and write about this

because it's a record of what caused what I was trying not to feel

but because I didn't want to forget what Jason did,

I wrote this.

It broke me to remember the painful details because I don't forget.

I see the little details and I remember every single thing.

It breaks me to think and remember about it

but I will not forget the guy who never left me and made my night.

I prayed to God before the concert because I know already what I would get from my friends.

I said, "Dear God, in times like these, I pray for safety to, during and from this concert.

I am not very religious but I know God answered my prayers by giving my Jason for the night.

I thank Jason and I thank God.

Enough ranting now.

I hope there are more people like Jason in the world because they make the world the go round by just being there.

Even though, I wished I didn't go to the concert due to obvious reasons but I am grateful that I did when I think of him.

Thank you, Jason, if you're "lucky enough" to read this, which means that I have humiliated myself.

But, thank you for being there when no one else was there

and for making me remember the importance of the little things like such.

Swedish House Mafia Concert

We Went. We Raved. We Loved.

It was amazing :)

My first concert was amazing.

The lights were incredible.

The crowd had the best energy ever.

The feeling of everything was simply good.

For the first time, I felt like I am part of something bigger, something important that happened.

I remember seeing the raindrops in the spotlight and tasting it.

I remember being in synced with the crowd, singing and jumping.

I remember turning to my right and having Jason smile at me.

I remember not feeling lonely because he was with me.

I remember the adrenalin that rushed through my body when I first got to the venue.

I remember the excitement when SHM played the first song.

I remember standing in the drizzling rain with my phone up in the air, hoping to capture the pictures and videos.

I remember say "ShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShitShit.." when it started to rain because my phone was out.

I remember being able to look at up in the air and smile, giving thanks to God for the chance to be there.

I remember living in those moments, second by second.

I remember being happy for myself for making this far in life, alive.

I remember being happy for being at the concert for me, not anyone else.

I remember being thankful for every single second that lead up to that concert,

And they say when you live in the moment, you'll feel infinite.

That's exactly what it felt like under the dancing lights and booming bass.

 Despite the pain that I felt before, during and after the concert and also the day after the concert, 

everything else was good.

I have no regrets :) x

SHM, first.

Tomorrow is the concert for SHM, Swedish House Mafia.

I'm supposed to be excited. Sadly, I'm not.

I'd rather be going to my Intro to Film class and watching my movie assignment than to go to this thing but.. I bought tickets already.

Thinking back, I was excited for it because everyone else is excited for it. Now I am less influenced by other people and I have sat down and thought it through. I don't like this excitement. It's pointless.

Oh well, but I'm going because Francine, Clement and Tim are going. Like hell, I don't even know if that's a valid reason. I am tired.

I like my life now. And all the drinking and everything just brings me back to times when I drink to forget or at least to stop feeling.

I have a headache thinking about this now. I'll nap for a bit before class.

I'll write again to tell you if I enjoyed myself.

Bye.

The reality of pain

You take a long drag of cigarette
Your eyes closed while inhaling
Then, a long train of smoke as you exhale
Blowing the smoke out used to calm you down
At least helping you to breathe
While you feel the wind in the air
Your smoke slowly disintegrating into the air
But not this time.

Flashbacks on shouting and breakdowns
All whirring by in slow motion
Pain came first but rage took over
The adrenaline rush became something to strive for
as the shouting match became something to be won
Then, it came to a point where you have no words
Only pain, that took over your senses
Paralyzing you
Thus, ending the match with no winner

You sat on the edge of your bed, barely breathing
Something in the middle of your chest, crawling to be let out
You stretched out your limbs as it erupted
And you fell to the ground because it's engulfing you
You tried to curl yourself into a ball
as if trying to cage that feeling back in
But you can't

And you laid there, waiting
For the feeling to subside, enough for you to get back up
But it doesn't
You sat up and you feel like your rib cage is going to burst
The painful electricity spread throughout your body
Surging through every vein, every artery
You bury your finger into your tangled mess of hair with your eyes closed
You let out a scream, only to realize that
you have no energy left for even a scream

You kept your eyes closed
Silently hoping that the darkness will swallow you whole
Engulf you entirely
because anything would be better than this
You feel your limbs get broken
You feel it cracking and you can't move
Bright spots blind your sight
because all you feel is raw, excrutiating pain
You can feel yourself breaking
Breaking into a million pieces while being put back together
Only to be broken again
And again
And again

You breathe in, breathe out
Feeling the oxygen going into your brain
Feeling your blood circulating through your body
Your surroundings so quiet, so dead
Your own breathing echoing off the walls
as you began to regain conscious of reality
But consciousness doesn't make the pain a dream
Nor does it make it into an illusion
It just becomes a part of you
And you just fall apart everyday

Loneliness.

I was gonna write something
but then, the empty space above was all I felt.

Fell.

I fell for your thoughts,
the way that you said my name,
how you make speechless

I ache to be inside your mind,
hear the whisper of every though,
get lost in your deepest desires

I want you lying down next to me
caressing the soft curves of my face
running your fingers down my back

I fell for you
I ache for you
I want you

Once.

And then, the space between us explodes. My heart keeps missing beats and my hands cannot bring her close enough to me. 

I have loved before, but it didn't feel like this.
I have kissed before, but it didn't burn me alive.

Maybe it lasts a minute, and maybe it's an hour. All I know is that kiss, and how soft her skin is when it brushes against mine, and that, even if I did not know it until now, I have been waiting for this person forever.

- Extracted from "Sing You Home"

It will not be like this.

It's the New Year's.

I don't feel any different. I suppose it's just another day.

Right now, I don't feel joy or sadness or anything. I only feel pain and more pain. I wish I can sleep and not wake up.

I wish.. How I wish.. But it will never be real, only an illusion, a fantasy.

I feel pain, only pain and nothing else. I am numb.

I don't feel anything else, except the pain that tearing me apart.

How I wish I can drink till I die on the sidewalk but I can't because I would still feel pain even in my sleep.

How I wish to bleed until I succumb to the fading light in front to me. The only way, the only way that I can't feel.