Dear Robby

Dear Robby,

It's been almost three years since you were gone. I know I should be accepting this fact and moving on with life but somehow I am not able to digest it even though I was able to move on. There is a lingering pain somewhere inside of me when I think of you or hear a song that reminds me of you. I'm not sure what to make of it. i guess I just miss you.

Where are you now? That's what I'm asking myself sometimes. Are you doing well? Do you still get to snowboard wherever you are now? Remember the time when you told me that the things you will never give up is snowboarding and skateboarding. And you were good at it too.

I'm doing okay. Busy but overall okay. It is never easy to be alive and living. You're not sure what is next and when it hits you,it hits you hard with no mercy at all. Sometimes you'd think at being dead is easier than trying to get to the next day.

Everytime I see someone skateboarding or see snow in tv shows, I will think of you and how you love all of these. Ice creams reminds me of you sometimes. Rainy days make me think of you also as both of us love rainy days. Just wish you were here.

Goodnight.
Love you, forever or longer.
Tryphena

Refusal as it is.

I refuse to see this.
Refuse to accept this.
You've changed.
Yes, I know.
I don't want to see it.
I don't want to understand this.

You are bad for me.
Always have, still is.
You are different back then.
But at least I know you.
I know how to react,
I know what to do.

Now this just doesn't make sense
Everything doesn't add up.
I don't see you anymore
You never bother to call
Everything,
That I've ever known.
Gone.
Poof, just like that.

Yes, you were different
But at least I was attuned to it.
Like someone trying to understand a radio station
Even though it speaks not the language that they know
But they try their best to understand it.
Now it's different.
Everything's different

I'm not going to hold on to you
Just because you pretend to hold on to me.
I don't want to care about you anymore
Even though I know deep inside I still will no matter what
I don't want to believe in you
Don't want you in my life

I want you to be gone from my life
Long gone.
I moved on.
I really did.
Go.

I don't want you.
I don't need you.
Go.
I don't want..
I don't.
I really don't.

Time drags on when you're studing chemistry.

So...

I really should be studying Chemistry instead of blogging.
But Chemistry is boring. Sad fact of life.

By the way, tomorrow is the last day of school, and yay, I get to sleep in :)

Wonder what I'll do first. Hmmm, three weeks, aye...

Life's is kinda fair but unfair in a way. Guess it's just nice if I live in the moment of now.

I will continue my studying. Might also burn the midnight "filament" tonight.

Night everyone

Playlist Medley which now looks like a sad love story.

I opened my eyes last night
And saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay
On the shore
Staring up at the planes
That aren't there anymore

You were my conscience
So solid
now you're like water
And we started drowning
Not like we'd sink any further

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see
To reach my destiny
I want to take control
But I know better

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if this as a movie
Stand in the rain outside
Till I came out

If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find a way
To end all bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
I'd say, I'd say

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been there all along
Why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me

Time flies when you're growing up.

**Dedicated to my awesome brother, Aaron**

His face popped up behind me when I was paying for my extra large tutti-fruity slurpee. I looked back, there was my brother standing behind me in 7-11. He said hi with an enthusiasm that I have known for years while he stood there, drenched in sweat after so many rounds of cycling around the neighbourhood.

He has black glossy hair which will point in different directions when it grew out, an impish smile that reflects his inner kid which acts as a contrast to his now less boyish good looks. He has a strong jawline and a straight nose that makes him enviously photogenic. He is considered short as a 16-year old but is slowly gaining height everyday. Despite the gender and age difference, we have the same eyes and the same wacky personality.

We grew up chasing each other around clothes rack and shelves in department stores, fighting over the longest piece of french fry, singing and jamming to the theme song of "Tom and Jerry kids" on top of a trampoline and constructing a "castle" using our bunk beds and blankets. That was about 8 to 10 years ago. Where did time go?

Now I'm 18 with scrapped knees and elbows that came with consistent bicycle falls and amazing hide-and-seek skills that can be only be perfected with years of practices. And he's almost 16 with the most generous heart, amazing technology information in his brain that is obtained somewhere and a pair of hands that can fix anything that has wires and other stuff that I don't know.

I paid for my slurpee while he paid for his RM 10 reload. It then occurred to me that he still had the same mischievous look he has when he was 6. It's nice to know some things don't change or disappear. I got in the car and started the engine. Then, I looked up just in time to see him speeding towards me. In two lightning fast seconds, he swerved with his legs on the ground and did a sharp turn while hitting on the brakes. He finished the stunt with a grace that I rarely see in guys and turned to face me with a smile on his face, looking pleased with himself. For a second, I was stunned and impressed. Cool. And to think that I taught him how to ride a bike about 10 years ago.

With the reload coupon in his mouth, he rode off back home while I drove myself to tuition. We used to ride bikes together. He laughed so hard when I told him I nearly fell into the drain. I used to hide his little plush toy and snickered when he couldn't find it. We used to pretend that we were the Prime Ministers in a parade when we were playing with our bikes and scooters. And somehow, I remember that he used to eat durian when he was younger.

He is different in a way that no one can ever imitate. His love for old songs and funny videos is part of what defines him. The kid in him will always love turtle plush toys and cats. His nerdy side will love anything that processes fast and has the word "beats" on it. Everything about him brings back memories for me and I'm sure for my family too.


As I'm driving, I wondered how different would life be for him and me if I leave for university? I wonder if he would miss me because I know I will miss him, his lame but funny jokes and his retarded and hilarious dances. It'd be weird not to have some one annoying you with songs that you hate and it'd be very quiet without his constant singing in the shower with blasting speakers.

Time flies when you're growing up but he'll always and forever be my little brother no matter how old we both are. So, who says everything has to change? 

UPDATES!! *Might be random*

It's been a long long long long time since I've blogged so I will fill in some details about my life right now.

1. I love doing maths at the moment.
2. I am very annoyed with ammonia because they make me dizzy everytime I use them during lab practical.
3. I am trying to study this time because I have no reason to fail. CHEERS!
4. I need to stop staying up past midnight.
5. Need. To. Stop. Eating. IF. Possible.
6. Time is too fast.
7. I don't want to grow up.
8. The idea of having a younger brother who is two years younger than me is growing on me and I'm starting to love it.
9. Trials up coming up in September.
10. 80 days till AS exam.
11. I have tan lines.
12. I really should sleep.
13. Guys are really stupid, ignorant, idiotic, egoistic, clueless, oblivious and so on. Sometimes.
14. I miss worrying about what games to play with my friends.
15. I really really don't wish to grow.
16. I don't miss her anymore. I'm happier now.
17. I have amazing friends that make me smile just by being there.
18. My family is really weird. But in a good way.
19. I really should be sleeping now.
20. I feel like writing another entry. Hahahahahahahahaha..

Told you it was random xD

Things change.

Never though it would be lke this
I was always the one calling
Texting you
Asking you how you were and how things are
Now that I've stopped, as an experiment
The conclusion is what I've expected
No, it was no surprise
But why do I feel disappointed?

You don't call
Nor do you text
You say you understand that I am busy
That you didn't want to disturb me
Or was all these just excuses for you
To not see that you were the one
Too busy for me?

I was the one holding on
I was the one who was never ready to let you go
You, my friend
Were the one that I cannot live without
The one whom I kept on loving like a sister
Despite the numerous times when you wounded me
Was I the one who wanted this friendship
When you showed no interest most of the time
But yet, somehow I feel you want it as badly as me too

The confusion that I cannot understand
Slowly driving me insane
Reasoning and instincts would not let me bleed any longer
Walls were build to keep the hurts away
But tears keep flowing as freely as possible

If I don't hold on,
Will you catch me?
If I let you go as you wish,
Will you come back?
Is there a possilble hope for me to believe
Tht you actually cared
That I actually matter to you
'Cause right now, I don't know what's real
And what's not

You,
Were someone that I do not think I can live without
Then,
It became someone that I stil need in my life no matter what
Now,
I can go weeks without speaking to you
And I don't miss you now

I am not going to be the one
Who is going to reach out
I am not going to be the one who misses you
Because now, I don't anymore
I am not going to be the one
Craving for your company
because honestly,
Things are different now
And I am happy even though it's without you
I am not making the same mistake again
Not going to hope

This time,
It's all you.

Be my reason to love again.

I was blinking my eyes, trying so hard
not to let the tears fall.
A part of me ached, for something
That the other part would not let me have.
I know I am putting myself on the front line
If I take this risk again, with love.
How do I trust something that I feel
But unseen?
Something that may trick me or perhaps
Make me crumble once more?

Do I let you in?
let you love me.
Or keep my distance, so I do not fall
Too hard
And end up trying to stand up, alone.

I love you.
There is no doubt.
It is actually something to me, that
You feel that way too.
I don't wish for a fairy tale ending nor
Do I wish for it to be a movie.
But please, one thing, is all I ask for
Give me a reason to believe again.
Show me why exactly should I love again.
Tell me how should I open up, once more?

Please be my spark of hope
And my reason to love again.

Him :)

After a year and a half, I've found him!
Him! Thanks to google!
When his name showsed up in my facebook notification, My heart rate went up. My belly did flip flops. I was shocked. Everything was right again.
I've missed him.
It IS him.
Finally.
I love you :)

School. Sudden outing. Ballet. What a day :D

I had school in the morning. It's very normal and very boring without my awesome friends who are either too tired or too lazy to come to school. I drove to school :DD It was fun and I parked the car perfectly. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I finish school at about early noon, so it's ncie to be able to go home early. YAY!!

Was watching I Love You, Beth Cooper when my "Awesome Mushroom" called.

"Hello?"
"Ei, YOU!"
"Me? Why me?"
"Can you go out?"
"What? Now?"
"Yeah, I need someone to go to 1B with me"
"I can't. I have ballet later."
"Diao. Why do you have ballet?"

In the end, I end up going with her to 1B and she sent me to ballet.

She went to Daiso to get the curry packer thing.

And she is NOT average. I've been to places with people before and nothing like this has ever happened. For the half an hour we were there, there were about 4 people who said hi, one who whistled, a bunch of dudes who literally said "I likey" or some shit. Even the cashier guy said "Sexy." after she left. It was obviously directed to her because NONE of this, i mean NONE has ever happened. EVER.

My mushroom. You are sure one special girl. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She drives like a pro for a beginner :)

Francine and Emery are one of the few people that can make me laugh, smile, choke, dance, trip, cry all at the same. Francine is the only person I know that can make swear words sound like a joke. Emery is the only person who makes gross-ness into a joke. I dont know what I would do without them in school.

There are other people who are awesome too. They make me smile and laugh in school. Gret, Darren, Nat, Aaron M, Typh, Ami and a few more. I love them all!!! Really.

Anyway. After stopping for RM20 gas, we zoomed off (kinda) to my ballet place. I felt awkward at first in my tights and leotart. It's been a year maybe, since I've wore them. But it was oddly comforting in a way to be wearing them again. I felt nostalgic.

After a lot of pirouettes, demi pointes and jumps, I felt my toes disconnecting with my feet and my calves are aching and my legs hurt and, and... BASICALLY my whole body hurts. But in a good way.

I Love You, Beth Cooper is a nice movie. I should watch it again some other time since I didn't watch the beginning or the ending. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I miss Vui Ting. Wish I can poke and then hug her now.