Obviously from the last post, you'd know that when I love, I really love. My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that when they leave me, I wouldn't be able to put myself back together.
It happened to me though. No, it's not a relationship, I didn't date that person but we had a real relationship, as in connection. That person was the first person that I really truly loved and that person was one of the most important person of my life. it happened to me because I didn't think that they would leave.
I trusted that person, I love that person. When they left, I felt like I was dropped on my butt. I thought that I had felt the worst of pains when something similar happened to me when I was 15 but I was wrong. I was devastated. I was at a sense of loss that I didn't understand, I felt like a compass that forgot where North is. I was completely useless to everyone because all I wanted to do was to go back to that person, or at least to that person I once knew.
There were days where I couldn't breathe, as if holding my breath was easier because every breath was just as painful as a stab to the chest. Actually, I would take that stab to the chest, thank you very much. Everyday felt like I was drowning but I couldn't die. I was in so much pain that I didn't know how to function without wanting to scream every single time I took a step. then, this numbness took over and I thought numbness was suppose to make you numb. No, it burned and the pain intensified, screaming just does nothing to help. I don't understand how I could still be alive right now.
I still feel it everyday. Every god damn day. You don't just get over this kind of pain, you feel it everyday, the after effects, everything. It doesn't leave you. The pain and burning and panic comes once in a while, and when I see that person, everything that I felt would come back, it'd be like it never left. I paid so dearly with that one time when I let my guard, my whole guard down. I was destroyed and I couldn't pick myself up after.
That person tells me to open up because I needed to and they were the last person that I opened up to. Fuck you, letting you in was the biggest mistake of my life. You destroyed me, completely utterly destroyed me. You left me there in pieces and you expect me to be okay just because you said I would be? You gave me pain, pain that I didn't understand and I didn't know human beings are supposed to feel this kind of pain. Congratulations, you have rendered me completely useless and broken me beyond repair, my repair.
Are you proud of yourself? Will this be added to your lists of accomplishments? Will you do this to other people too? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I STILL LOVE YOU. I still want you to be happy, I want you to smile, I still want the best for you.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I STILL LOVE YOU. God, help me, I still love you so much and I don't know what to do.
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