Last letter to the first.

Hello Sugarpie,

I hope you are well.

When I say that, I mean I hope I am doing better than you, that I am much more loved, much happier, much better than you. I hope you were not run over by a car but splashed by one, that your food arrived at your table exactly the way you want it to be but lukewarm. I hope you only remembered that you need to buy toilet paper after you finish it. When I say I hope you are well, I hope you are slightly inconvenienced but unharmed.

I am writing this letter to tell you that I am well. I have just bought a speaker that could drowned out the sound of you leaving. I am writing to tell you that I can see the small traces of you slowly washing away from me. Soon, I hope my memories of you will quietly stay put away in a photo album hidden in the back of my closet.

I have died for a very long time after you left. I thought I'd stay dead for a very long time but I met someone. I have met someone that allowed me to give myself permission to put you away. I saw a flower sprouting in this dessert that I call my heart. It's a miracle, really. I don't know if it will work out or not but I am grateful.

I like smiling and laughing and feeling okay. I just want to tell you that I am happy that it's no longer because of you. I think I finally am able to close this chapter that took up close to three years of my life,  two was just to get used to the idea that you no longer love me.I am grateful for you, grateful that I was given a chance to love you. I mean, I always will love you but I am okay with the fact that you don't know that now.

You had my heart. It was entirely yours. You can add that to your collection that you took pride in. I don't need it anymore. I have a new one now.

All the best in life, Cassandra. This time round, I really mean it because you really need it and because I genuinely want you to be okay.

With all my love for the last time,
Tryphena

I have never been the one to run from what I feel,
or swallow what I feel.
It's been more than a month since I've written.
I am feeling exactly what one will feel after a month of being "too busy" to deal with feelings
I feel emotionally constipated,
in short, I feel numb.
I have made myself busy, tired, angry.
I ignored the sad, the depressed, the want to die.
Here I am with emotions overload and I am trying to find peace in places that I know has none.

I have felt angry
because how dare life!
How dare life make me work for the next 30 to 40 years just so I can have a life!
It's not even to enjoy life, it's just to have the slight option of having a life.
How dare life demands so much positivity from me when so much has left me so empty!
How dare I want love!
How dare I want to come home to someone who loves me!
How dare I want something that has been seen everywhere!
How dare I want someone to hold and to hold me!
How dare I want to have a place to call home!
How dare I just want peace.

I realize this year that kindness is linked to love and being loved.
I find myself consciously being aware of times when I am being nice.
Buying an extra soda for my mum when she broke her glasses,
telling my best friend I love her when things are bad.
I never knew how much I didn't care anymore until I cared.
It felt like an awakening, or rather a revelation from myself to myself.
It explained my lack of writing,
my lack of interest in anything that tries to stir up any emotions,
my complete disregard for the presence of any empathy and compassion that I sometimes feel.

To be honest, I don't care.
I don't care if the world is burning or if I am burning
I mean, in the grand spectrum of things,
everything is bullshit.
I am so angry that everything is bullshit.
I try so hard to find meaning or put meaning to things.
If everything is bullshit and everything means nothing,
I am that idiot that tries to ignore the big picture
because so what if she still remembers my birthday and I feel happy that she remembers.
So what if I traveled the world?
So what if I have not felt peace or sanity in a long time, what if that's the last time I felt like someone could love me?
or I have not had a hug, a long proper hug in a while?
So what if I wanted that?
What if I just want life to be good to be for a bit?
What if I just stop trying?
What if I died?

If everything is nothing,
I have wasted my time and I am tired.

A farewell perhaps?

I spent the last 7 months getting myself ready to let go

of every message you have ever sent me.

I feel like I am finally there. 

I don't look at your messages anymore,

no longer fall asleep to the sound of your "good night, I love you".

When it's close to midnight, 

I take off my glasses, make sure my phone is charged,

switched off the lights and just go to sleep.

When I am depressed and can't get out of bed, 

I just stay in bed but it's no longer because of you.

Somehow I am here, already able to see the end of the tunnel,

still reluctant to walk away from the comfort of the dark, which was to miss and love you.

This feels like a goodbye, a farewell,

one that I need to stop myself from running back to.

You are the greatest love story of my life. 

You made me believe in love, fate and all the stories that I have ever heard.

You were the one, my sun, my moon.

You will continue to be the first that I love,

I don't think I will ever stop loving you.

I no longer live for you

but saying that, I mean I no longer want to live at all.

It will be close to two years now,

I think I should at least try.

I believe I have experienced one of the greatest things in life 

which is loving and being loved by you.

I don't know if that is ever going to be enough for me.

If I am ever going to end my life,

then my greatest sin would be loving you. 

Things that I know to be true:

1. I cannot play games from the first person's point of view for long periods of time because it gives me vertigo and makes me puke.
2. I write better when I am in pain.
3. I don't like being in pain.
4. I am good at putting abstract ideas and thoughts into visual metaphors.
5. I am a better version of myself when I am with someone.
6. My level of compassion is entirely proportional to my level of feeling loved.
7. It's been 10 years.
8. I am good with words when my emotions are not in the way.
9. The idea that my future has no boundaries and I can literally be anywhere now is terrifyingly overwhelming.
10. I am utterly obsessed with the possibility that I will end up in North America.
11. I have a love for cooking. It is one of the three things that gives me peace.
12. Do not run back to the ones who broke you. Don't even check up on them. Stop.
13. I embrace change now. I am that person that supports it and will go for it while whining how inconvenient it is.
14. I might be overcompensating for the belief that I will die alone with my career ambitions. If I'm gonna die alone, might as well be something for myself first.
15. I am terrified that I will really be alone for the rest of my life.
16. When the future terrifies me, the only solution that my brain can conjure up is to kill myself because by doing that, I avoided facing the future.

Now leave your voicemail after the beep.

"Hello,
I'm sorry I didn't come to the phone.
My chest feels like a thousand storms,
they are raging with hurricanes that go on for stories,
they had sunk every bit of peace and rest that voyaged from a good day.
A whirlpool in the middle had sucked in the overboarded sailors, normal sleeping hours, good appetite and the remaining fairy dust that I had saved for a rainy day.
And I,
I feel like the illustrated cow that is always drawn in the middle of a cartoon hurricane.
The higher and smaller the cow is,
the higher it is on the hurricane classification category.
In short, I am the dot in this weather.

I am constantly falling but also, suspended in mid air
Also, I'm being flung in circles and circles of loneliness with depression acting as a centripetal force of this never ending hurricane of sadness.
The speed of circling for 200 km/hr feels like slow motion after days.
Then, it's like I am in water
Except that,
I am submerged in the constant dread of not living my life to the fullest.
Then, I discover that I can breathe underwater
but I can't swim.
So, in that moment,
I am stuck in the mindset of wanting to to live my life and knowing that I have all the power to do exactly that,
but what is the point?

Sometimes when I am lucky,
I end up in the eye of the storm, like now.
It allows me to get enough of my shit together to construct a poem using metaphors and fancy sailing words like "voyaged".
I have sat here for a few days now.
All I hear are waves crashing against each other and the wind howling my name.
These storms feel too angry for them to be over any time soon.
I don't have a plan yet because getting out seems to be impossible at the moment.
I can't hear myself think over the destruction.
I'll send a message in a bottle when the storms calm down."

I mean,

"Hello,
I'm sorry, my phone died."

Dawn, friend or foe.

Hello, old friend.

I've been tired, took two cups of tea

and that kept me up a couple of good hours.

I forgot how dawn feels like.

Quiet as a library and chilly as midnight.

God, it must be ages since I've properly taken a deep breath of air that reminds me to live.

My eyes are weary from the lack of rest while caffeine surges through my veins.

I am reminded of how I used to cry while trying not to miss her.

My lungs used to rattle against my rib cage like prisoners dragging cups across prison bars.

By then, it was hard to remember if I wanted to sleep or to die. 

I forgot how silence is thick with uneasiness at the sign of first light.

Everything seems to slowly wake up and somehow began with a sense of urgency.

Then, I am reminded that I am running out of time which further pushes me to try to sleep even harder.

I can hear the soft rattling of the air conditioner outside my room. 

It seems to grow increasingly louder accompanied with visual dead air.

I swear it becomes deafening as I try to fight it and divert my attention to something else.

I imagined someone stroking the top of my head, 

they were humming audibly, my favourite song, yes.

My body began to relax, sinking into the affection that my daydream has shown me.

I invited waves of peace to wash over me. 

The dulling ache in my hands stopped along with the rattling of my ribcage.

The anxiety seems to be forgiving today, it didn't tell me that I would be alone for the rest of my life like it always did.

As sleep started to overcome me, it almost felt like I heard faint breathing next to me.

I was certain that I am alone in my room but for a moment there, I silently admitted to myself that I didn't want to be.

Till then.

Yours and always, 

Tryphena 

I miss being in love

The way hands slipped around waists,

Fingers intertwining,

Hands gently placed on thighs or lower backs,

Heads placed fittingly in shoulders, 

Absentminded stroking of the body with fingers,

Sure lips planted on foreheads, temples, necks, back of the hands,cheeks, lips,

Quiet but thumping heartbeats during naps,

The "I love you's", oh, the "I love you's".

I want it all,

I want it all back.

To be loved or not.

More often we forgot how it feels like to love ourselves alone without the constant reminder that we are loved from other people. I think we often choose to co-relate our worth to being loved by others. When we lose one part, we naturally lose the other. We are not nice enough to ourselves to believe that we are someone worth loving without someone loving us. I mean, what is an artist without his or her hands?

I think most of us are just trying to be loved in the end. Whether be it in terms of power or money or people or fame. I think most of us are trying to find that feeling that makes us whole and worthy of something. I believe it's just as simple as wanting to be loved.

How to be brave.

Whenever my mum kisses me goodbye before going off in the morning, I want to tell her to take her with me. I will leave behind my life here in city and go home.

I will go back to hot dinner with my family every day. Back to my childhood best friend calling me to hang out at a place that I have went to for the last 24 years of my life. I will go back to a place where I know that the traffic light at the crossroad will take about 30 seconds before it's my turn to turn left or right. I will go back to the sea side that I grew up watching plane landings and horse races at, back to excruciatingly slow drivers on the right lane and all the lanes and food that is the epitome of home.

But I don't.

Instead, I tell her goodbye, closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

Tea and no cakes.

I have not seen him in a year. He has gotten a new hairstyle, new clothes. He has a new habit of running his hand through his hair when he's deep in thought or vulnerable. He said he has been trying to eat healthier, cut potatoes and rice. "More protein and veggies", he said to me, "It's better than not having anything to focus on."

We talked and laughed and enjoyed silence breaks in between tea sipping. Conversations filled to the brim with "I feel the same way too!", "How about you?", "I am really trying to be better," and "I need to hang out with you more often now that I'm back." I learn that he is really good with abs exercises now, likes the color green now and knows what he might do in the next 5 years career-wise. I have missed him. The last time I saw him, he was crying on his bathroom floor, paralyzed with pain. I have never seen or heard a heart break before. There was nothing I could do. How do you save someone who just lost his entire world?

Flash forward, there he sat. His world was rebuild, or at least that was what he is trying to tell me. We talked about everything but that night. I still didn't know why he disappeared, why he wanted to be alone. My questions were at the tip of my tongue. Anxiety had built up at the bottom of my stomach and has transformed into butterflies that might blurt out any seco-

"Why did you disappear?"

His eyes immediately clouded with disconcert, guilt and apologies. He lowered his gaze and knitted his eyebrows together. He continued to open and close his mouth with nothing coming out. He ran his hand through his hair, still looking down while clasping his hands together, left thumb on top. Of all the years I have known him, I know that when he clasped his hands together, he is in pain. My eyes flicker from the frown on his face to the left thumb that has now started to rub on his right thumb. I immediately regretted my question.

"I was in pain. I didn't know what else I could do..." He swallowed with his eyes fixated on the left thumb that never stopped rubbing his other thumb. "I know I shouldn't have done that but I don't know if I could still ask for your help anymore. It was beyond what you could give me. I had to go away..."

I took a huge gulp of water and blinked at him, confused. "You could have told me. You could have asked me to do something. I would anything for you." He still has not looked at me. His left thumb, still rubbing his right thumb. His lips, still a tight line.

Finally, he looked at me. I could see the pain reflecting in his eyes, his neck tensed while he was trying to keep himself together. Why did I bring this up and push him back to where he was trying so hard to get away from? "I still miss her. I still love her. I had to go away to know how to stop loving her." He swallowed again as if trying to gain what little bit of composure he had left. "I didn't leave because I didn't have believe that you will be there for me. I left because it was too painful to stay... I didn't know what else to do." He brought his hands to his chest and squeezed while taking a deep breath. The rubbing of his right thumb has slowed down but he still hasn't unclasped his hands.

The waiter came by to refill out drinks during the lull of our conversation. I had a feeling that I will be annoyed with her if she asked if everything was okay. Fortunately, guessing that she sensed the tension that was present within the radius of our table and she left quickly without a word. I was evidently still upset with him but he had good reason, personal reasons. I couldn't blame him for something that he had to do.

"What would you do if you had one wish?" I asked.

He chuckled weakly and his left thumb started playing with his right thumb nail. "Her," he said softly. "I want nothing else, no one else but her." I saw a small sad smile playing around the edges of his mouth, as if he was remembering something. He continued, "I still remember how I looked at her. I still remember how it felt like to kiss her. It felt like all the stars colliding into a bright meteor shower and the entire world disappearing. It felt like what forever should be like. It felt like everything that I wanted in every lifetime. It felt like she loved me too."

Sensations that I miss.

1. Holding a pencil and feeling it glide across good 70gsm paper.
2. Fingers interlacing together.
3. The warmth that you feel when something good happens.
4. Hands that don't belong to you running through your hair
5. The warmth you get after swallowing warm tea in a cold place
6. Hands moving in water
7. My body just floating in water and feeling like I'm floating in nothing.
8. Cold air gently blowing in my face
9. Warm hands on the side of my face, stroking my cheek
10. The relief that you should feel when you sigh
11. Peace

25 things I learn/am reminded of in March of 2017

1. March is not a good month for me.
2. A black hole in your chest can still hurt even though it's empty.
3. Love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
4. The people you love will hurt you, especially when you don't expect them to.
5. The people that love us the most in the world, are the hardest for us to hear.
6. The lucky ones are the ones who are loved exactly the way they wanted.
7. I am allowed to still love you with so much and still walk away.
8. Under no circumstance should you ever lose your temper with the ones who love you.
9. Words of comfort from the ones who love you are never intended to harm you.
10. Always run to those who love you.
11. Your circumstances in life are not an excuse for your behavior.
12. Wisdom does not come with age.
13. Understanding comes with a level of respect.
14. It's okay to leave when people push you away.
15. Under no circumstance should you ever say something because it will help you in that moment and only in that moment.
16. Feeling hurt when paired together with acceptance of loss brings a comfortable amount of peace.
17. You are allowed to blame yourself for things. Just don't believe it.
18. Always communicate what you want and what you need from someone. Do that even when they are not listening, at least you can say you did your part.
19.The words "best friends" are cursed for me.
20. Life is too short for being "too little".
21. Love even when love has let you down because it is the people that you love that disappoints you, not love.
22. There is strength in continuing to love even when you are broken and gasping.
23. Not everyone wants your love, it's okay, you can give it to someone else who wants it.
24. It is okay to mourn for people who left. They were important.
25. Always fight for what and who you love. Don't let your regrets be losing them because you were too scared to fight. Fight.

It's a rant that I can't rant to you about but it's eating me alive and cutting doesn't help.

I know you haven't read my messages.
It's been..
Eight.. Nine.. Ten..
Fourteen hours.
I know you're doing this on purpose because you're mad at me.
I have reread the message that I sent you days before,
wondering if there was anything I could have added or changed
or not sent.

I don't apologize for feeling the way I felt.
I am disappointed and hurt that
the patience and understanding that you so often used on her, her,
other people who didn't deserve,
couldn't be extended to me.
Guess I am not important enough.
Or perhaps, I was supposed to be the understanding one
and you didn't realize I need to be understood too.
I have given you almost everything that you have asked from me.
I promise you I did my best.
I am sorry if you didn't think it was enough.
I am sorry if you think I was taking up your time on purpose.
However, I still stand by my ground,
I was not in the wrong and
you as my friend should at least understand where I am coming from.
I have been understanding enough about everything to at least deserve that.

I know that you may want your space now
and you may never read this so I can write whatever the fuck I want.
When you call someone your best friend,
you are going to expect something from them.
There is a reason why we are best friends.
There is a trust and faith that made this friendship strong.
The phrase "I don't expect anything from people when they want me to listen",
bullshit.
It applies to strangers and acquaintances that you don't care for.
Even if they phrase applied to us,
again, haven't I understood enough and been patient enough for you to
at least try to see from my point of view?
I don't like this pit in my stomach.
I don't like how this hollowness is trying to claw its way out from my chest.
I have already etched and carved reminders on myself so that I don't feel this pain.

As much as I understand,
I cannot ignore what I feel.
If you are allowed to have three days to a week to deal with life,
I am allowed 20 minutes to compose how I feel.
I have explained that I feel things immensely.
My stories and my poems are a proof of that.
I explained that I need time to be that understanding friend again.
I cannot put reasons above my emotions if these are strong emotions,
again, I have explained it very clearly.
If it was your girlfriend who wrote what I wrote,
you would have read it fifteen times to make sure you don't misunderstand me.
You cannot deny that.
The people you are currently meeting and seeing every day,
have a higher priority than I will ever do.
This is a fact.
I know you don't want to admit it but the fact that
her sulking the entire night earned nothing from you.
When I want to be understood AFTER YOU ASKED,
I am at fault for not understanding that you didn't have time.
Was I asking for a house, for a returned love, for you to choose me,
for you to go on a trip with me?
No, I am merely asking for the acknowledgement that you understood.
I am asking for the basic reason for a friend.
I am asking for something that is free and freely given.

I have put aside every reason for anyone would visit their friend because I understand.
I have consistently reassured you that it is fine if you are busy.
I have consistently told you "WHEN YOU ARE FREE".
Please, I mean, please understand that what I want isn't so hard.
I want to get to know you as a person and construct my idea of you
with this.. physicalness of your life.
Please understand my patience is being pushed to the limit,
especially when she is doing that and you're letting her and I can't say anything about it.
I have very specific buttons and very high tolerance for a lot of things.
I mean, it is not easy to make me shut myself down to readjust myself.
But that happened.
As my friend, please try to understand that.
I am hurt, I am so hurt and again, if it hurts me, it is significant.

I know you have made up your mind about me on this.
There is nothing else I can say to change your mind because
if you didn't read my message,
it'll be like I never said anything.
I can't fume for so long because it hurts.
I know that you didn't see this trip as a very big deal
but it was important to me.
I don't know how many more times I get to see you.
I intend to treasure every single one of the trips
because I really love you.
Your friends and her and everyone else get to see you.
I have to plan my trips months ahead just to see you for less than 3 days
and talk to you one of one for less than half an hour,
all three days added together, half an hour.
Please understand kay.
It was so important to me.
I don't need you to change anything, I just want you to understand
You're the Chloe to my Max,
I'd go through timelines after timelines to save your flat ass.

I know you won't read this.
So, again, I can say what I want.
I know you're mad. Still mad.
I'm done being mad or being upset about this,
it kills me to be hurt.
I looked at our pictures together,
it was really nice.
We looked so happy and I was a happy pau.
I already miss that.
I don't know what will or will not change after this
but if that was the last time I ever get to see you,
it's fine then.
At least I get to give you a happy goodbye before this stupid fight broke out.

I know I am not enough a lot of times.
I know I am nothing without my understanding.
I know that without my understanding,
you wouldn't be friends with me.
I know I am not in any ranks of your priorities.
I am aware of these things.
I won't ask you to change anything of these or convince me otherwise.
I have seen where I stand and nothing you say can prove otherwise.
I still love you a lot.
People have always left.
This time, I just won't beg for you to stay.
I am tired of crying and picking myself off the floor.
If you don't need me or want me around anymore, I hope you found a better replacement,
I really have nothing else I can give you.
However, if you need me once in a while, I will always leave a light on and the door unlocked for you.

The aftermath of you're done feeling wanted.

I forgot how numbed pain makes you feel like
you're imploding on yourself.
The feeling is equivalent to an Eiffel Tower of cards,
collapsing in a few seconds
after hours and hours of hard work.
You get cold to your bones,
you grow weary as the day drags on and
you want to sleep, dream, sleep, hoping
you wouldn't wake up.

I tried vocalize how I felt.
Then, I realize no amount of effort could properly explain
that I just want to be held until I stop becoming a black hole.
I cannot expect the ones who claim to love me to
listen to a rant that does not have a conclusion.
They have lives, money to earn, bellies to fill -
lives, to live.
What makes me think that I have anything important enough
that takes priority over all those?
How selfish am I to ask them to listen to me over this?

However,
I forgot how deafening silence can be especially when you hear it
over the sound of yourself collapsing inside.
I forgot how pain silently hums all over your body in the midst of silence.
The sky is still the sky even when you're in pain,
somehow I'm still pretending not to be surprised by it.

On nights alone

It's been days since I was able to feel my world return to normal speed. My mind has been hazy from lack of sleep. My body finally aches for the comfort of my bed. Finally, sleep is for the weary. I am the weary. I am the weary of many days, many sleepless night. I get to sleep.

However, with the lack of sleep, comes the weakening of mental walls. My chest begins to ache for the warmth of being loved. I used to curl up with her. I would feel her head tucked safely on the nook of my chest as her arm wrapped around my waist. She always felt so small, even more so when we are like this: My hand tangled in the hair on back of her head. Lips on top of her forehead and my nose resting just on her frontal, inhaling her scent in her hair. My favorite was her hand gently stroking the small of my back and just us breathing, existing at the same time in that very moment.

Now, all I feel is the ghost of being loved. A ghost that continues to haunt me on nights when I can't defend myself. Sometimes, I felt her arms wrap around me as I slept. It was such a good dream. There was peace, peace that I have long forgotten and have not found since she left. I still remember the way her fingers interlaced with mine and the kisses she planted on my back. You don't just forget about the way you were loved, especially when it was physically here and alive and incredibly overwhelming. You don't just forget, you can't.

Now I ache to have warm arms around me, light kisses planted on my forehead and have my body relax into someone else's. I want my fingers interlocking with someone else's. I want their scent on my pillow, my shirts, me. I want to wake up in their arms, to them planting kisses on my collarbone, them tracing the bridge of my nose gently with the tip of their finger. I want to be able to sigh in relief, in peace, in joy, not in pain.

I just don't want to be alone right now but I don't really have a choice in that.

To 13 and a half year old Tryphena

To 13 and a half year old Tryphena

I wish I could give you a hug. I know this was the year you felt the loneliest. I know this was the year that that accidental cut on your arm lead you down the road of an addiction that you still have. If I rolled up my sleeves now, you'd think I'm the coolest still.

Things are different now, very different. You won't believe how much things are different when you compare it to a year ago. A year ago, I was crying my broken heart out over my first love. The year before that, I never knew what love was but I was the healthiest, mentally, around that time. Then, a little after that, I met her. And then, the year before that, I was trying to recover from another pain. You suffered for quite a while from aged 19-22.

The painful things have not happened to you yet. Somehow in another dimension, you were the one before the storm. I'd change a few things for you if I could meet you. You were just lonely. You needed someone, that's all. You turned out alive after 10 years of pain. There were a lot of good times too but I'd say it was hardly worth the pain. It's better than nothing.

At 14, you are so clueless about everything because you did not understand the world. You just found out about pop and rock music. You tried so hard to develop passion for music and other things. You'll discover something else later. You'll learn to love writing. Then, at 22, you'll dedicate a hand written book to her. Yes, her. You'll go through that stage a little later. You'll fall in love with the wrong person before you meet her. This wrong person will be the reason for your pain from 19 years old onwards. But you'll learn, oh, you'll learn. She will be your greatest lesson of all because this is when you will start letting people love you when you cannot love yourself. I wish you knew this because it would have helped you so much when you think about your goodbye letters.

At 15, you'll go through your first major heartbreak by your friend. You'll forgive her. She'll apologize but baby, you will hurt. I have no ways of making this any better. It will be your first experience with depression. I'm so sorry for becoming a shell of you. You will cry and then, stop crying for a very long time. You'll meet another girl who you'll be fond of. You will love her and try to help her.

Everything that happened till you're 17 is nothing game changing. You'll come in and out of our impending depression but you'll survive. You'll get your first boyfriend but he wasn't any important. You'll learn to be very wary of guys from then on. When you're 18, your best friend from high school will make you betrayed and this will make you change how you feel about her as a person. Everything with her will change from then onwards. None of it will change back.

However, you'll meet this girl in pre-U. She'll be the main point of your life. She'll teach you how to love yourself. She'll teach you how to wear make up and that it's not bad to want to look pretty. She'll be so important to you. She will teach you so much on how to be a girl. You will love her and accidentally fall in love with her. You then handed her on a silver platter to the guy that was undeserving of her. This is where you will deny what you felt and keep it buried for so long. I am so sorry but this will be the most painful period of your life. She will leave you. You won't blame her when you're me. I wasn't the best person to be around when I was friends with her. We both had faults. We don't talk now but she still hasn't deleted me off Facebook. I guess we were really friends last time. You will never stop loving her because you cared.

With that painful period, comes the time when you find out who is really there for you. You find these people unexpectedly. They will become so important to you. They will love you so much and in those times, you will learn to let them. You will learn that you deserved to be loved. Again, most importantly, baby girl, you will let them.

At 21, you will learn acceptance. You will learn to be okay with yourself. It will be one of the most important lessons you will teach yourself. You'll learn how to be okay with yourself, how to love yourself. You will be kind to yourself, be aware of you. You will grow. Oh, I am so proud of you even now. You will grow so strong. Baby, you will be so strong because you will need it later. I am so sorry.

You will meet her a few months before you turn 22. She will open up to you. She will care about you. You will smile while you're on the phone with her. You will have your life turned up side down and you'll be so happy. You'll be so happy for her. You'll find so many poems that I have written about her. You will fall in love with her and you will love her so much. She will be your first in so many things. She will make love songs make sense. She will make elopement seem like a good idea. You will love her and love her and love her even though many who love you will think she does not deserve it. You will love her regardless. The book will be for her. So much will be for her.

Last year was bad though. It was over between us. No, it wasn't our faults. Our parents will never agree to it so it done under a mutual understanding. I still think it was the worst way to end something. It's hard to move on like that but you will. I still miss her from day to day but the pain does go away. However, in our case, our normal pain from depression and loneliness just comes back and we go back to that pain instead. You will cry for her. You will cry rivers and rivers of tears. Your life will stop because you were in so much pain. Remember when I say that you need to be strong? This is the time when you need it. You will fight so much, so much to get her back. She'll go back on her promises and you'll be angry but you'll understand. You will love her. After all, you wrote a marriage proposal for her. She will never see it but it's alright. You love that much.

Things do turn out okay. You have a proper job now. You earn your own money and pay for everything on your own. Be proud of me. You will go through so much pain, so so much pain. I don't believe it's worth it. I won't lie to you about that. The pain is horrible but you are very strong. I know you don't have a choice but you will be okay. You will not hate yourself, you will be okay at gaining weight. You will have so many people who care about you. You will have so many of them. You will love them and they will love you back,

You will dye your hair. You will play Skyrim. You will travel to go visit your friends. You will miss your family. You will fight.

Please hold on. Please fight. Please be strong. I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much.

Love
23 and a half year old Tryphena

From Friend Requests and Obligations

It started off with a friend request, or rather an obligation to someone who was important to us. Neither one of us wanted or needed this friendship. Again, obligation fueled the conversations and replies. I remember my introduction went along the lines of mentioning my dislike for peas. She replied very quickly and I wasn't expecting that. Small talk became even smaller and naturally the conversation ended.

The next time I started talking to her, it felt like a well oiled engine being put to work again. Replies were falling in place and I believe this is when the friendship really began. We met for the first time when I went to visit her. She was smaller than I imagined, kinder with a much bigger heart than what she gives herself credit for. I remember the experience to be surreal and I had a small moment of depersonalization because she didn't feel real - none of it felt real.

I couldn't write about her more than I would like to. I am a visual person. I notice the creases on people's face when they laugh, the vein bulging out when they are stressed, the way their eyes light up when they are surprised or happy. I don't remember the details of how her expression looks like. However, I'd recognize her voice anywhere.

I didn't think it was possible to care someone you have not met. I didn't believe simply trusting someone was good enough to build a proper friendship even when you have not met them. I was wrong. I learn to build a safe house, a bomb shelter with the thousands and thousands of messages and voice clips we have exchanged. I memorized her laughter, her groans and sometimes, her nothings. I have seen her hesitation, confusion, worry and joy hidden behind in ellipses, commas and exclamation marks. I have interpreted internal conflicts and contradicting paradoxes in different wavelengths. Sometimes I see her pain and her desperation to make sense of the circumstances of her life in between sentences of rage and anguish.

In a sea of inside jokes and harmless flirting, there is a mutual understanding and respect. It is the tone of the entire relationship. There is also a love that I did not expect to develop. It is behind every cracked hello when the other is crying, every "why are you so far away" and every "you bitch". I didn't expect the joy that came with talking to her even though most of the conversations start with her being sleepy. 

It is hard to find friends who consistently care about you during all of the times. She is Patience herself when it came to dealing my inability to think rationally when it came to Cassandra, even when it was (unconsciously on my side) at her expense. She is Peace when I was crippled in bed, sobbing and in pain. She is Hope when taking my own life seemed like the better option. I have done nothing to deserve of all these. There's a quote by Graham Greene that says,

"It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love."

I have so much love for this human being. It is puzzling to feel something as overwhelming as this, especially when it's not romantic but I do. There is a joy that I can't explain when I think of her company. I am entirely grateful for her and I can't wait to see her again in a month.

Let this be, hopefully, a beginning.

I saw her picture today. She was smiling with three of her closest friends. I know a lot about them. She used to tell me stories about them. They walked her through the rites of being a women. She is very fond of them. There were like the Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie that she never imagined having in her life. I hear about their problems, their strengths, their lives. She told me so much about them.

They don't know anything about me though. She never told them about the times we yelled at each other. You know what.. There's no point of me talking about this anymore. I just deleted the messages of her Singapore number. She doesn't care anymore. I deserve to be happy. She's off enjoying her life. I have to force myself to not care about her until I stop.

My body is already humming with pain. Who knows how much more pain this will be or how long this is going to be. Maybe I am meant to be in pain for feeling so much, for loving so much. Maybe this is my punishment. Maybe there is no such thing unconditional love. Maybe I am just paying for whatever that I have done. Pain is my price.