The above statement is true.
Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.
2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"
So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.
"Message from Francine's Spain Number"
We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.
And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.
I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.
2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.
Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.
So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.
And guess what time I stayed awake till..
4.23am
Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.
So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.
I am sure she's aware of that.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Losing our pride
I am a proud person. I have an ego and I know it. I take pride in what I do even if no one understands it. I know how to crush people and I know the right words to do it. I have the pride to be heartless and I have the pride to say that I don't care.
So what happens if it's someone that you don't wanna lose? That changes everything, doesn't it?
You know exactly how to crush them, you know where to hit and where to stab. You have all the strongest weapon and you know for a fact that you can break them into bits and pieces but you don't.
Why?
We can't afford to lose them forever because of our pride.
And that's why.
So what happens if it's someone that you don't wanna lose? That changes everything, doesn't it?
You know exactly how to crush them, you know where to hit and where to stab. You have all the strongest weapon and you know for a fact that you can break them into bits and pieces but you don't.
Why?
We can't afford to lose them forever because of our pride.
And that's why.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Dynamics.
My best friend is a dynamic person. Dynamic is like the perfect word to describe her. I, on the other hand, am resistant to change and I like small plans changes but not big ass life-changing plans changes. We are different in that way. We have our own reasons why we are the way we are and we don't judge each other on that.
Anyway..
I have never fought with someone so many times in a year. It was always nothing big but it still mattered a lot to me, every single disagreement. I don't know about her and I don't want think about that.
I love her. I need her and I always want her in my life but now, we just need some space.
I'd like to keep everything at that.
For my sake.
Anyway..
I have never fought with someone so many times in a year. It was always nothing big but it still mattered a lot to me, every single disagreement. I don't know about her and I don't want think about that.
I love her. I need her and I always want her in my life but now, we just need some space.
I'd like to keep everything at that.
For my sake.
Quoted from Miss Dianne
"Sincerity in a person's speech is seen through the person's actions. When our actions don't match our speech, people smell insincerity and we lose their respect."
- Reading about it is a good reminder because sometimes we get too caught up with everything that we forget what's the importance of actions.
- Reading about it is a good reminder because sometimes we get too caught up with everything that we forget what's the importance of actions.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
It's Time - Imagine Dragons
Just thought I'd share this song with whoever that's reading this.
I'm not gonna tell you how much I love this song.
Instead, I'll tell you why.
You know how some songs just makes you feel empowered in a good way,
like you can do anything in this world?
This song to reminds me to keep standing up no matter what.
I heard this song from my best friend but I didn't really listen to it.
Then, I heard it again in the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,
which looks like an amazing movie by the way.
I read the book already and I love it.
I'm about to go off to university in a few months *deep breaths*
It's weird to actually see how fast we grow up.
The movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower is about students growing up
and going through all sorts of pain.
Of course, it includes graduation and university.
The chorus of the song
"It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit
I was the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am."
For me, yeah, it IS time to begin
and no matter how much I've changed,
I am still exactly who I'm supposed to be and nothing's gonna change that.
To be curt,
this song reminds me to be who I am no matter how different things are.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
I am titanuim.
I am sitting in front of my work desk. And I am trying not to cry.
I know too much, I've heard too much and I've seen enough.
I don't know how to be strong for so many people. I feel myself cracking because of my own problems. I am trying my best to deal with everything but I can't.
I can't cry because I just can't.
I wish you were here. I need you to tell me if everything is going to be okay when it is not. I don't care if you're lying. I just want you here.
I know too much, I've heard too much and I've seen enough.
I don't know how to be strong for so many people. I feel myself cracking because of my own problems. I am trying my best to deal with everything but I can't.
I can't cry because I just can't.
I wish you were here. I need you to tell me if everything is going to be okay when it is not. I don't care if you're lying. I just want you here.
Hormonal.
You know that feeling that you can't describe? The kind that is swallowing you whole and you feel eaten away?
The kind that makes you want to cry but you refuse to? The kind that makes you wanna scream out loud to the skies and just simply.. cry..?
And then, for that moment, you just want someone to hold you tight and not let go.
You just want to sit there and cry.
And then, the worst thing is you scrolled down your phone contacts and there's no one to call. They are all either away or just not someone you want to cry to.
The kind that makes you want to cry but you refuse to? The kind that makes you wanna scream out loud to the skies and just simply.. cry..?
And then, for that moment, you just want someone to hold you tight and not let go.
You just want to sit there and cry.
And then, the worst thing is you scrolled down your phone contacts and there's no one to call. They are all either away or just not someone you want to cry to.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Paradox.
Have you ever loved someone so much that when you think of them, all you can do is close your eyes and smile?
Do you ever feel breathless every time you see them even though you have seen them for over a thousand times already?
When you do see them, you can't help but to stare like you've never seen them before, right?
Now imagine. Their arms are around you and yours around them, you hold them tight, not ever wanting to let go and just wanting time to freeze in this moment. You close your eyes, inhale and smile while you pull them into a tighter embrace. Another perfect moment, right?
Have you ever felt your heart stop when they smile and along with that, everything around you just sorta stops and whizzes past in slow motion?
And when you're with them, nothing else matters, nothing except them. You remember everything about them. The way they laugh, the way they look at you and what it meant, everything. Every little thing like when they drop something, you know what to do or say. Every smile, every frown, you know with one look.
"Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I can stare at them for a lifetime." - Shakira
When you look at them, the first thing you look at is their eyes, without a doubt. You feel their gaze on you, warm and gentle. You look up and your eyes locked. Their eyes are soft, radiating of curiosity and humor as you see a half-smile creep across their face. The color of their eyes never cease to amaze you as you think that it might be the most beautiful thing that you've seen ever. You swear to yourself that you will not blink until they look away. This is a moment, one perfect moment to remind yourself that you love them.
And then you smile back.
Do you ever feel breathless every time you see them even though you have seen them for over a thousand times already?
When you do see them, you can't help but to stare like you've never seen them before, right?
Now imagine. Their arms are around you and yours around them, you hold them tight, not ever wanting to let go and just wanting time to freeze in this moment. You close your eyes, inhale and smile while you pull them into a tighter embrace. Another perfect moment, right?
Have you ever felt your heart stop when they smile and along with that, everything around you just sorta stops and whizzes past in slow motion?
And when you're with them, nothing else matters, nothing except them. You remember everything about them. The way they laugh, the way they look at you and what it meant, everything. Every little thing like when they drop something, you know what to do or say. Every smile, every frown, you know with one look.
"Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I can stare at them for a lifetime." - Shakira
When you look at them, the first thing you look at is their eyes, without a doubt. You feel their gaze on you, warm and gentle. You look up and your eyes locked. Their eyes are soft, radiating of curiosity and humor as you see a half-smile creep across their face. The color of their eyes never cease to amaze you as you think that it might be the most beautiful thing that you've seen ever. You swear to yourself that you will not blink until they look away. This is a moment, one perfect moment to remind yourself that you love them.
And then you smile back.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Short stories. Yeah, I'm gonna write :)
Well, I have always like writing. I don't have a habit of using big, impressive words.
Not that I don't want to but back in high school, due to the English standard of the school, big and outrageous words were not taught as frequently even though there is a new set of vocabulary every week. To me, it's just a revision of the words that I already knew.
So, basically, I have limited impressive words to use.
My English teachers thought that my strong points in writing is my ability to communicate with the audience. Like the readers are able to feel and imagine what my characters are feeling, seeing and experience.
That's a good thing, I guess.
I haven't written stories in a while. Blog posts are like diary entries to me, so I don't think it counts as writing. The last time I wrote a story was during SPM and that was my best story ever. I will never stop being proud of it.
Writing keeps me sane. I was the most depressed person that I've ever met looking back. One of my best friends said that I rarely smile at things. There were not a lot of things that kept me happy. I laughed but I was never happy. I was literally depressed and cynical. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad it was until she told me. It's rather hard to believe actually because I am surprisingly different now.
Like I've said, I rarely display emotion back then but I was expressive when I write. I guess writing helped me with what I refuse to let myself feel. Like happiness, sadness and all that. I don't cry last time. I don't feel. but then again, I think I felt too much of everything that my brain just shut down and wouldn't function anymore. I think I was numb because everything else hurt so much.
Writing is like channeling to me then. It's like transferring all that I feel on to paper. Even forbidden feelings that somehow doesn't feel wrong if written from another character's perspective.
I have Francine who listens and never judges no matter what. I can say what I think, sometimes even without filter. Since she's MIA for a while, things and feelings do pile up even though I am grateful that I still have Tim and Clement around to help me destress.
To summarize it all, I refuse to let myself sink back into that deep hole that I somehow unknowingly fell in. So, I'm gonna write because it saved my life and now it might just the only outlet I have left.
I might post it here or in my other blog. I don't know.
We'll see how it goes :)
Good day everyone.
LAIKE A SIRRRRR!
heh :)
Not that I don't want to but back in high school, due to the English standard of the school, big and outrageous words were not taught as frequently even though there is a new set of vocabulary every week. To me, it's just a revision of the words that I already knew.
So, basically, I have limited impressive words to use.
My English teachers thought that my strong points in writing is my ability to communicate with the audience. Like the readers are able to feel and imagine what my characters are feeling, seeing and experience.
That's a good thing, I guess.
I haven't written stories in a while. Blog posts are like diary entries to me, so I don't think it counts as writing. The last time I wrote a story was during SPM and that was my best story ever. I will never stop being proud of it.
Writing keeps me sane. I was the most depressed person that I've ever met looking back. One of my best friends said that I rarely smile at things. There were not a lot of things that kept me happy. I laughed but I was never happy. I was literally depressed and cynical. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad it was until she told me. It's rather hard to believe actually because I am surprisingly different now.
Like I've said, I rarely display emotion back then but I was expressive when I write. I guess writing helped me with what I refuse to let myself feel. Like happiness, sadness and all that. I don't cry last time. I don't feel. but then again, I think I felt too much of everything that my brain just shut down and wouldn't function anymore. I think I was numb because everything else hurt so much.
Writing is like channeling to me then. It's like transferring all that I feel on to paper. Even forbidden feelings that somehow doesn't feel wrong if written from another character's perspective.
I have Francine who listens and never judges no matter what. I can say what I think, sometimes even without filter. Since she's MIA for a while, things and feelings do pile up even though I am grateful that I still have Tim and Clement around to help me destress.
To summarize it all, I refuse to let myself sink back into that deep hole that I somehow unknowingly fell in. So, I'm gonna write because it saved my life and now it might just the only outlet I have left.
I might post it here or in my other blog. I don't know.
We'll see how it goes :)
Good day everyone.
LAIKE A SIRRRRR!
heh :)
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I miss my best friend.
This what I do when I miss you.
I go through photos and videos. Sometimes even messages.
Then, I realize it's a bad idea.
'Cause I miss you more, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Nothing changed, that's for sure :)
When you come back, I'll give you the biggest hug ever.
And then, we'll go watch Breaking Dawn: Part 2.
I miss you so much everyday :(
One of my fav pictures.
This is a very stupid picture but I like it :D
I can't believe we were holding our burgers.
Monday, October 15, 2012
One of those days.
I don't know if you've ever felt like this. That you want to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist.
And just like every other human being, I crave love, except I was not beautiful like them. I was repulsive, ugly.
In this world, looks are everything.
Because at the end of the day, all we care about is looks, right? No one falls in love with your personality.
It hurts because it mattered.
I care about your feelings more than mine.
The truth is you can just kill me and with one last breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.
Anger will help you survive but it eats you alive after a while.
You didn't love me, because you don't destroy the person that you love.
How do you do that? Act like you don't care, like you don't feel anything? Because I can't do that. I feel. I feel everything.
The distraction helped. But when I got home, and the distractions were gone, self hatred would hit me all over again. I'd lose perspective.
And the hardest part about living is just taking breaths to stay.
The pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it.
but it doesn't matter, no one's listening.
And just like every other human being, I crave love, except I was not beautiful like them. I was repulsive, ugly.
In this world, looks are everything.
Because at the end of the day, all we care about is looks, right? No one falls in love with your personality.
It hurts because it mattered.
I care about your feelings more than mine.
The truth is you can just kill me and with one last breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.
Anger will help you survive but it eats you alive after a while.
You didn't love me, because you don't destroy the person that you love.
How do you do that? Act like you don't care, like you don't feel anything? Because I can't do that. I feel. I feel everything.
The distraction helped. But when I got home, and the distractions were gone, self hatred would hit me all over again. I'd lose perspective.
And the hardest part about living is just taking breaths to stay.
The pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it.
but it doesn't matter, no one's listening.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Just fuck it.
Just when things are suppose to get better, they give you another reason for you to remember how much you're not worth it.
Fuck you.
Fuck it.
I'm done, bitches,
29 days and counting down.
Francine just left for Spain yesterday. I miss that idiot already and it's barely 24 hours, LOL! Guess what her parting words were! I'll miss you? I'll think of you everyday? I love you? NOPE! You memang blind. That's what she said to me AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
KK is quite empty now. Empty as in not a lot of my close friends are here. They all left for uni, to be flight attendants and for language courses in another country. Bong & Bing left last week, Nick left on Monday, Francine left yesterday. They're all gone :(
At least I'm working and I have things to occupy my mind with. I have books. I have a new season of Vampire Diaries coming out. I have Pretty Little Liars' Halloween episode to wait for. I have The X factor to download every week. My other close friends will be coming back almost every week respectively. One month will be fast. I pray that it would be.
KK is quite empty now. Empty as in not a lot of my close friends are here. They all left for uni, to be flight attendants and for language courses in another country. Bong & Bing left last week, Nick left on Monday, Francine left yesterday. They're all gone :(
At least I'm working and I have things to occupy my mind with. I have books. I have a new season of Vampire Diaries coming out. I have Pretty Little Liars' Halloween episode to wait for. I have The X factor to download every week. My other close friends will be coming back almost every week respectively. One month will be fast. I pray that it would be.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I'm hungry.
There's another meeting again in five minutes. I never look forward to these meetings. It makes me feel so uptight and old. Ugh. And I am hungry, which doesn't make the situation better.
Well, uhh, byeeeee.
Well, uhh, byeeeee.
All is well. Update.
A little update on life then :)
Sometimes you get so tired of being upset, being disappointed and being a piece of something in everyone's petty little drama.
Then, stop and breathe. Don't think about it if it doesn't involve you. Let yourself feel annoyed when you are caught in the middle of it because you are NOT part of the drama. It is not wrong and you need your peace and quiet even if you want to help. You can't help anyone if you're stressed up and on edge.
Personally, I refuse to get worked up into all these because I know for a fact that I get aggressive and I just can't afford any emotional drama from myself right now.
I am exhausted from work, mentally and both physically. I get cranky and all I just want to do and stay in one place and NOT move. Me being in this state, it just won't allow any more unnecessary bullshit in.
So, now I just sit and relax. Not that I can, but I try to look at brighter sides of things now, which is rare. I guess it took a while for me to get here. Positivity isn't really my sort of thing but right now, it helps me keep calm.
So, ignore the world if you have to when you can't take it.
Talk later. CIAOOO!
Sometimes you get so tired of being upset, being disappointed and being a piece of something in everyone's petty little drama.
Then, stop and breathe. Don't think about it if it doesn't involve you. Let yourself feel annoyed when you are caught in the middle of it because you are NOT part of the drama. It is not wrong and you need your peace and quiet even if you want to help. You can't help anyone if you're stressed up and on edge.
Personally, I refuse to get worked up into all these because I know for a fact that I get aggressive and I just can't afford any emotional drama from myself right now.
I am exhausted from work, mentally and both physically. I get cranky and all I just want to do and stay in one place and NOT move. Me being in this state, it just won't allow any more unnecessary bullshit in.
So, now I just sit and relax. Not that I can, but I try to look at brighter sides of things now, which is rare. I guess it took a while for me to get here. Positivity isn't really my sort of thing but right now, it helps me keep calm.
So, ignore the world if you have to when you can't take it.
Talk later. CIAOOO!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Happy Birthday to my mum :) *copied from my Facebook*
Happy Birthday to my beautiful Momma :) Thank you for always being there whether be it to help me look for my stuff that always magically appear to you or to just cook food. Thank you for raising me up to know what is right and what is wrong, for teaching me to differentiate between black and white and also the grey areas.
Thank you for putting up with my food dreams all these years and for listening to my rants even though sometimes it only makes sense to my 19 year old head.
This is my last time celebrating your birthday with you as a teenager in which sounds very bittersweet. I know that I don't say this much, thank you for everything that you did all these years. And on behalf of the two monkeys at home, I would like to say that we appreciate all that you did even though sometimes we don't show it and to be honest, we don't know what we'll do without you.
OHH, I forgot to hang the laundry last night so I had to hang in early in the morning, heh.
Dad still has no idea where to eat, LOL!
I hope you have a wonderful day in school.
We love you very much.
From,
Tryphena
x
Thank you for putting up with my food dreams all these years and for listening to my rants even though sometimes it only makes sense to my 19 year old head.
This is my last time celebrating your birthday with you as a teenager in which sounds very bittersweet. I know that I don't say this much, thank you for everything that you did all these years. And on behalf of the two monkeys at home, I would like to say that we appreciate all that you did even though sometimes we don't show it and to be honest, we don't know what we'll do without you.
OHH, I forgot to hang the laundry last night so I had to hang in early in the morning, heh.
Dad still has no idea where to eat, LOL!
I hope you have a wonderful day in school.
We love you very much.
From,
Tryphena
x
Monday, October 1, 2012
Airport goodbyes
I feel so bad.
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.
Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..
Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.
I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!
Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)
Love you both.
x
I feel awful.
I feel like such a terrible friend.
Bing and Bong left for Australia this morning and I couldn't send them off. Sigh. And then, you couldn't help but feel so horrible about it..
Oh well, at least I had a last conversation with Bong before they left.
I miss them already. KK seems so empty, LOL!
Have fun in AU and dudes, remember to study hard :)
Love you both.
x
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