Positive.

I will be that girl that will try to smile even when it hurts. I will be that girl who will keep going even though all hope is lost. I will be that girl that will get back up after spending some time on the ground. I will be that girl that will stay strong no matter what.

Pain. Just pain.

You know the kind of pain that makes you short of breath?

The kind that makes you want to shrivel up and hide from the world. And then, you just want to close your eyes while lying in bed and pretend that everything else is just a dream. You feel this gaping hole in your chest but you don't know what's wrong. You're not upset, you're not sad. No, you're very sure that you're not numb. You feel something but you don't know what's that called.

You'd think falling asleep will make everything go away, at least just for a little while. Then, you realize that you can still feel the pain even in your dreams. You don't give up, you try harder to fall asleep but to no avail, you know that you can't because the pain is consuming you and your brain just refuses to shut up. You end up tossing and turning all night, feeling the emptiness engulf you whole. You know you can't cry because the tears won't come. You wrap your arms around your body, hoping to get a little sense of security. Yeah, it doesn't work.

Then, you take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. You feel your lungs expand and contract. It hurts to breathe. You close your eyes as you breathe. Your eyes burn due to insomnia. Your hearing becomes sharper to sounds that does not seem to be there in the first place. Yeah, insomnia does that to you. All you want to do is just to sit somewhere, breathe and try to get through the day in one piece. The agony of this, you'd do anything to get rid of this.

\

And you just can't make sense of this pain because it's not suppose to be there anymore.

Fact of the day

I get really really cranky, irritated and annoyed when I'm hungry. Fact.

I didn't start the day in a nice way today. And my phone is going to lose all it's data and contacts because my On/Off button wouldn't work and it's procedure for the people fixing my phone to "update" the software. Update as in delete everything.

I mourned and got bitter, LOL.

My dear phone, te amo, mi pequeño,

Sigh.

Just breathe.

Just for once.

I'm always the one who is doing all the fighting. 

I want to be fought for, just for once.

This is what we feel like doing sometimes.

Made my day x

(:

For you.

It's time to try to be over you.

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cause right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cause you walked the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months 
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walking round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Crying over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me of what used to be

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Don't make me think about her smile
Or having my first chold
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Refusal.

http://picklesarestillnotmything.blogspot.com/2011/07/be-my-reason-to-love-again.html

I've written this a year or so ago. Nothing much has changed. I'm still scared. I still refuse to love, at least to let myself love. Getting hurt, no, that's not the part that I'm afraid of. I've loved, still love someone after 8 months of torture and pain. No, that's not it.

I'm afraid that if I love someone, I will never stop loving them, The person above is different, she's my best friend and there will never be a chance of us ever being romantically involved so that kind of love is fine.

The one that I'm talking about is the kind that breaks you into pieces. The kind that makes you stop living and makes you stop wanting to live. The kind that makes your tears fall whenever you see something because everything, EVERYTHING is going to remind you of him. The kind that makes even breathing look like rocket science. The kind that makes you realize that no one else will ever love you ever again.

I've seen enough broken people, seen enough people being broken to know what being broken feels like. I don't know what that kind of broken feels like. I have been broken before, just in very different ways but I guess it's all the same. You feel pain, you feel agony, you feel torture, you feel numb and you just want to die.

We decide how much of a risk we are willing to take. This time, I'm just too tired to risk anything and to brace myself for the pain.

This time, I just refuse to feel.

How many times? Can you count?

How many times have we wondered about the reasons why?
How many times have we pondered about the things that doesn't make sense to us?
How many times have we thought about the "what if's" in life?
How many times have we regretted the things that we said and didn't say, the things that we did and the things that we didn't do?
How many times have we blamed ourselves for the things that didn't go well, the things that should have went well?
How many times have we hated ourselves for the things that we did, said to the ones that we love?
How many times have we tortured ourselves with that thought of wanting happiness for that someone even if it doesn't involve us?
How many times have we cried ourselves to sleep because the pain of breathing is too much, even in times of weariness?
How many times have we stopped ourselves from getting what we want because we are thinking of others?
How many times have we convinced ourselves that we didn't care even when it is all we want to care about?
How many times have we planned to leave but couldn't because we keep looking for more reasons to stay?
How many times have we tried to smile to convince the rest of the world that we're okay?
How many times have we laughed so loudly, not to convince others but ourselves that we are fine?
How many times have we drank so much that we don't remember half of the night, to just forget the pain?
How many times have we had that feeling of never wanting to let go when we hug someone?
How many times have we let ourselves suffer just because we love someone?
How many times have we told ourselves to let someone go when we know they are exactly what we want?
How many times have we looked into someone's eyes and know that we love them with everything that we have?

\

How many times do I have to tell you that I love you, before you actually understand what I mean?

Don't you just hate being the nice one?

1. I say "Hi." to you. Don't give me the nod! If I make an effort to say hi, why is it so hard to say hi back or wave?
2. I try to make a conversation. If you can't even keep a conversation, there is NO hope for us to even be acquaintances.
3. Repeat steps 1 & 2 over numerous occasions. If nothing works out, fine.
4. Repeat step 1 every time I see you for the sake of being polite.
5. Waving and saying hi slowly reduces to smiling.
6. If smiling becomes awkward, you will realize that you don't really care what they thought of you and then you just stop acknowledging their presence. That is until they say hi first this time, LOL.

Happens to everyone of us, right?

:P

Brothers, they grow up too, you know?

I found this on Facebook. I wrote it last year. It's somewhat therapeutic and comforting for me to read this.  It reminds me that no matter how much things have changed, some parts of it will; always be the same.

Dedicated to my brother, Aaron.

His face popped up behind me when I was paying for my extra large tutti-fruity slurpee. I looked back, there was my brother standing behind me in 7-11. He said hi with an enthusiasm that I have known for years while he stood there, drenched in sweat after so many rounds of cycling around the neighborhood.

He has black glossy hair which will point in different directions when it grew out, an impish smile that reflects his inner kid, which acts as a contrast to his now less boyish good looks. He has a strong jawline and a straight nose that makes him enviously photogenic. He is considered short for a 16-year old but is slowly gaining height everyday. Despite the gender and age difference, we have the same eyes and the same wacky personality.

We grew up chasing each other around clothes rack and shelves in department stores, fighting over the longest piece of french fry, singing and jamming to the theme song of "Tom and Jerry kids" on top of a trampoline and constructing a "castle" using our bunk beds and blankets. That was about 8 to 10 years ago. Where did time go?

Now I'm 18 with scrapped knees and elbows that came with consistent bicycle falls and amazing hide-and-seek skills that can be only be perfected with years of practices. And he's almost 16 with the most generous heart, amazing technology information in his brain that is obtained somewhere and a pair of hands that can fix anything that has wires and other stuff that I don't know.But he's still the same boy who wants me to go to the arcade and play with him or do anything with him just so he won't be alone.

I paid for my slurpee while he paid for his RM 10 reload. It then occurred to me that he still had the same mischievous look he has when he was 6. It's nice to know some things don't change or disappear. I got in the car and started the engine. Then, I looked up just in time to see him speeding towards me. In two lightning fast seconds, he swerved with his legs on the ground and did a sharp turn while hitting on the brakes. He finished the stunt with a grace that I rarely see in guys and turned to face me with a smile on his face, looking pleased with himself. For a second, I was stunned and impressed. Cool. And to think that I taught him how to ride a bike about 10 years ago.

With the reload coupon in his mouth, he rode off back home while I drove myself to tuition. We used to ride bikes together. He laughed so hard when I told him I nearly fell into the drain. I used to hide his little plush toy and snickered when he couldn't find it. We used to pretend that we were the Prime Ministers in a parade when we were playing with our bikes and scooters. And somehow, I remember that he used to eat durian when he was younger.

He is different in a way that no one can ever imitate. His love for old songs and funny videos is part of what defines him. The kid in him will always love turtle plush toys and cats. His nerdy side will love anything that processes fast and has the word "beats" on it. The guy in him will forever belong to gross-ness and cars and he might have something against ants and mosquitoes. He loves to pluck the mosquitoes' legs and is now starting to like pinching the ant's butt off its body. Everything about him brings back different, hilarious memories for me and I'm sure for my family too.

As I'm driving, I wondered how different would life be for him and me if I leave for university? I wonder if he would miss me because I know I will miss him, his lame but funny jokes and his retarded and hilarious dances. It'd be weird not to have some one annoying you with songs that you hate and it'd be very quiet without his constant singing in the shower with blasting speakers.

Time flies when you're growing up but he'll always and forever be my little brother no matter how old we both are. So, who says everything has to change?

Cough Syrup

Life's too short to even care at all, oh
I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control
These fishes in the sea, they're staring at me, oh oh
A wet world aches for the beat of the drum
Oh.

If I could find a way to see this straight, 
I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, to come down.

Life's too short to even care at all, oh
I'm coming out now, coming out now out of the blue
These zombies in the park, they're looking for my heart
Oh oh oh oh
A dark world aches for the splash of the sun
Oh

If I could find a way to see this straight, 

I'd run away

To some fortune that I should have found  by now

So I run now to the things they said could restore me

Restore life the way it should be

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

One more spoon of cough syrup now, oh.

Another chapter in life

I got my A level results yesterday and I passed everything!!
You know how some people want to get all A's and they try so hard for it? Yeah, congratulations to them, Most of them get straights A's.
But I'm cool with passes :)
I don't wish to be a doctor, a dentist, professionals or that sort.
Pfft, that is why we have scholars for.
I'm not a scholar or like a brilliant brilliant student.
I just want to live and do something useful with my life.
Sure, saving lives like what doctors do is important but it's just not how I want to live.
Francine said something about making a difference in people's lives.
Yeah, I wanna do something like that,
That's why Oprah Winfrey is like my hero.

She also proved another point to me,
You can do great things even without a guy by your side.
I know most girls have that fantasy of the perfect dress, the perfect guy, the perfect wedding.
You know, it's weird because I never really had that fantasy.
Okay, fine, I can explain.
When I was younger, I hate dresses so no, I can't see myself in a dress then.
Guys, well, I am not the kind with looks that stop traffic.
They say I have personality but then it's all about the looks.
You don't have that, good luck in life.
So yeah, we are friends and there's always no more to it.
I think it's a good thing because I learn how to differentiate from douche bags to idiots
'cause I don't get infatuated enough to be that blind.
Weddings.
When I was younger, it seems like something you would  only see on a show,
the perfect endings I mean.
As we grow older, we see the real stuff going on.
Cheating. Fighting. Abuse. Divorce.
It seemed to me that everything are just made up of empty promises.

Well, that is just my opinion for now.
After all, I'm only 19 and I'm just at the starting line of life.
I don't wish to be tied to this one person when it's time to explore.
I just want to be a girl, at least for a little while.
Long enough for me to know what I want out of this short life.

Oh well, enough ranting.
Back to uni stuff.
Ciao!

Try 

Anxiety.

You don't feel like eating.
You feel like vomiting even when there's nothing in your stomach.
Your head hurts.
You don't feel like doing anything.
Your body is shaking.
You feel like you can't breathe.
You can't sleep or rest.
You can't relax.
Your heart beats like super fast and slow at the same time, like it's even possible.
Your head spins and it throbs.
You can't feel your brain because it's not working.

\

You're just scared, I guess.

I look at you and I'm home.

No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away.
Please? No one has ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you,
I do, look. P . Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do.
It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it.
And-and I look at you, and I... I'm home.
Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't wanna forget.

- Dory

We found love.

It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you can have the good.

Dearly beloved, if this love only exists in my dreams, don't wake me up.

Photography, ferreal.

 

 

 

 

 

Swoon :3

Me and my love for guys wearing beanies. Sigh.

All stolen from Google.

x

I'll never let go.

Love, the unconditional kind.

They say love is the abstract feeling that we can't explain.
It's something that we feel and we can't stop it.
We love because it's something that we're meant to do.

I think there is a way to explain love,
at least I'm able to explain it in my own way.
I've never really been in love, it's mostly crushes and stuff
but you don't have to be in love that way to know what pure love is.
I've fallen hard for guys but somehow,
I do not believe that I love them in that sense, unconditional, I mean.

I have only felt such love towards my family and my best friend.
To love anyone unconditionally, is just that ability to not stop loving them
even in the hardest of times.
To me, love doesn't always have to involve a guy.
I did not learn to love from a guy, so yeah, it doesn't have to involve a guy.

I love my family, I would do anything for them.
If they need a kidney, I'd give them one because I have two.
I would destroy anyone who would try to hurt them.
Even though arguments between us always arise,we forgave each other as fast as it ended.

My best friend, I guess I'm just lucky to meet her.
My other half, the missing puzzle piece in my life.
I don't have a boyfriend but I'm happy enough when I'm with her.
I don't ask for much.
In fact, if this is all I'm getting, I wouldn't ask for anything more than that.

To love someone, in my own definition,
is to just care with everything that you have.
To love someone is
to put their happiness before your own and not to be selfish with them.
To love someone is
to be there for them no matter the circumstances.
To love is
to know when to fight and when to fight harder,
when to hold on and when to never let go.

I care about my family's safety when they travel without me.
I over think about situations that might happen to them when I'm not around them. 
I worry when my parents are not back from a banquet after midnight.
I get mad when my brother is still out with his friends after his curfew.
I get protective when my little brother complains about the kids who always take food from him.

I worry about my best friend when she tells me she has to work past midnight.
I stay up until I get a text from her telling me that she's safe home.
I care even when we disagreed and are snapping at each other.
I get so protective that I want to shield her from everything that might hurt her because she was so upset.
I know I still care despite all the feuds because I want to have her in my life.

Love is not about spending the rest of your life with that one person.
Love is something that consumes you completely.
It is something that you don't question question nor do you doubt.
Love is something that gives you strength to keep holding on
no matter how much it hurts.
It is something that you does not need a reason for.

There are a lot of definitions but here's my last, for now.

\

I hug you and tell you I love you even after the worst of disasters because there are no reasons for me to stop loving you.

That, to me is what unconditional love is.

Youtopia

For my Oompa Lumpa.

I can feel you in the rising tide
Can you feel me by the fire side
From the moonlight
Through the cherry trees
Open the roof and take in the view
'Cuz you're my sweetest dream
Come true

Colour the dusk, deep navy blue
And try to be brave
Cause I'll be right beside you
There's a world so high
Hold out your hands
And you can go anywhere
So reach for the stars
Cause I'll be waiting up there
And you can finally fly
Cause you'll be lighter than air

6/8

One day, it will stop hurting.
One day, I'll forget you.
One day, I'll be able run and be rid of you.