Illusions of hell.

This feeling of utter hopelessness, it never goes away. Yes, it will be gone for that short moment when I'm occupied or when I'm in the company of others. But then, it comes back and I'm left, stuck in this spinning whirlpool of black darkness

. I don't listen to music anymore. I don't enjoy it now. Every song reminds me of you. Everything I do, it reminds me of you. I can't stand being reminded of you because this time, you're not here with me.

Everyday, I wait for my phone to ring. A call or maybe a text from you. Nothing. I still do the same thing every single day even though I know you only call if you needed something. People would tell me to move on and deal with it. What happens if I told you that I can't?

I used to enjoy food. Now I don't taste anything. Eating a meal is just filling your stomach so that you can stay alive. I don't see the point in eating anymore. I don't want to be alive. I feel dead enough everyday.

I say I love you to a lot of people. Now I'm not sure I mean it anymore. It's just empty words. You love with all your heart and then you are dropped just like that every single time. What makes you believe that love is a good thing when pain is all that ever comes out from loving someone? I drive by houses, buildings vehicles everyday, trying to look for something. I don't see it anywhere. Then, I saw you and everything made sense again.

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We live alone, we die alone, everything else is just an illusion.

I'd rather live in an illusion, everything being an illusion than to feel this pain everyday.